After a long, loooooong break I'm back with a new interest. I'm so incredibly bummed Spring Awakening didn't get more recognition at the Tonys (especially with all the phenomenal deaf talent!) but I'm actually dealing with it in a relatively productive way so that's fun :)
Standard disclaimers apply.
Hanschen Rilow is not someone the Ernst who dreamed of becoming a country pastor would have ever pictured by his side. In fact, he is quite possibly the exact opposite of all the things that boy had thought were waiting for him in the future. He's sharp rather than soft, calculating and not exceptionally giving, and has a biting edge that Ernst knows he could easily slip over and never climb his way back from. But now that Ernst has had him, if only for a little while, he can't imagine anything else. Those other dreams are gone.
Thirty years from now, tonight will seem unbelievably beautiful.
The thought flashes repeatedly through his mind when they're together, reminding him of the miraculous and dangerously impermanent paradise they have made for themselves. Tonight is beautiful. Tonight is beautiful. Tonight is beautiful. Nothing less, and maybe nothing more.
He takes nothing for granted. He can count the number of times they've stolen away to this clearing on one hand, but he's already memorized the feeling of Hanschen's skin beneath his fingertips, the way their lips fit together to capture the moans and whimpers, the way his eyebrows scrunch together and his toes curl and the corners of his mouth gently quirk upward when he lets expression become unguarded in a moment of calm. He sees the pictures scattered between his freckles when he closes his eyes, imagines he can hear his voice echoing in the wind. They lay on a vibrant bed of leaves and flowers, but for Ernst, the most beautiful colors in the world can be found only in Hanschen's eyes.
He wouldn't tell him that, though. The trust they've begun to spin between each other is a fragile thing, trembling in the breeze, suspended by Hanschen's perceived retention of power and Ernst's willingness to forgive.
And any power Ernst might be keeping for himself evaporates when Hanschen meets his gaze anyway.
Tonight, they don't talk at all. Ernst isn't sure they would have much to talk about, anyway. They've known each other their entire lives, and as he has begun to realize, Hanschen always paid attention far more than he let on. He remembers the games, the pirates, the walks home from school. And he knew Ernst's feelings before Ernst himself did. Besides, they have far more interesting ways to pass the time.
"I'll walk you home," Ernst says after they've laid there in the grass as the sun slipped below the horizon. He adjusts his socks and stands, heading for the path without paying heed to Hanschen's grumbling or eye rolling.
"I don't want you to–"
"You always walk me," Ernst interrupts stubbornly, nudging him in the side and ignoring the way his eyes narrow suspiciously. Hanschen is a suspicious creature; he knows better than to take it personally. "Let me do this for you."
Really, he's being selfish. He wants to walk the rest of the way to his own home in silence, to give him time to commit the night's happenings to memory and to reflect on the surreal quality of their time together. Also, he desperately wants to be the last thing Hanschen sees before he goes inside for the evening. Perhaps Hanschen understands his unspoken plea, because, though he swats at him impatiently, he allows Ernst to take his hand and lead him back into town. They fall into step without trying, and only let go of each other when the danger of becoming seen is too imminent to ignore.
As they near the Rilow property, their pace unconsciously slows. Or maybe it's entirely conscious. After all, time moves fast enough toward their unspoken ending without their consent — maybe it's only logical that they would try to prolong it where they can.
They stand some distance from each other on the path, because they must be careful, but not too far, because they are becoming more reckless with each meeting. Ernst studies him shyly out of the corner of his eye, smiling just enough to show he's content. Hanschen, ever subtle, wiggles his dark eyebrows and lets his tongue flick over his lips. Erst doesn't know whether to laugh or groan.
"I love you, Hanschen," he admits then, unable to keep the words inside a moment longer.
He doesn't expect the other boy to say it back, not so soon at least, and he's not disappointed. But he also doesn't expect him to whirl him around and press a quick kiss to his mouth, either, and he's so shocked when it happens that he nearly falls over in the dust. A quiet giggle slips out of him, and he bites his lip.
"See you tomorrow," he says in a soft voice, breathless between the kiss and the laughter. Hanschen merely smirks in response, tipping his head in a casual farewell whose subtlety makes their earlier intimacy that much sweeter.
Ernst doesn't turn as Hanschen makes his way through the grass to his house. For some heavily suppressed reason, he doesn't like the sight of the boy walking away.
Reviews are love!
Much love,
KnightNight7203