Disclaimer: The characters within this story all belong to writer Tsugumi Ohba and artist Takeshi Obata.
Warnings: Implied boy love.
Summary: Raito wishes he could be cleared as a Kira suspect and L wishes he could have the suspect in hand.
Completed: January 15, 2010
Shared Wish
by: Kagome-reincarnation
Every day is a feat for L, who must capture the Kiras to protect the world. Each day, his stress grows in leaps and bounds and his habits grow worse and worse. His once straight posture has become hunched and rounded. His manner of holdings things has changed to reserve as much energy for his brain – and, in doing that, his cognitive thought process. Even his diet has been drastically altered to fuel his brain with the sugar it needs to continually work through each day.
And it's never enough. No matter how much he struggles, or how much he plans out in advance, he's frustrated and disturbed to find that Kira has somehow managed to get ahead of him in the game. Again and again, this process repeats until L is frustrated and angry, and he'd rather walk away from the Kira Case team than towards it.
But he can't. He can't walk away from the case that is the bane of his existence. He can't walk away from the case that could lead to the death of every man on the team. He can't walk away from the case that has changed him from his once strapping young man self into a new, old and bent man. Most importantly, though, he can't walk away from the case that could be the world's last hope against a false utopia.
And it doesn't help that he's been handcuffed. A single, slim wrist is cuffed, connected by a lengthy chain to another young man. Yagami Raito. The kanji for his name is the same as the kanji used for 'moon,' and he is the opposite of all that L has become. Raito is tall and strong and he's just as brilliant as L but L doesn't trust him.
Because they're on equal footing. Because there are times that Raito is more intelligent than him. Because he doesn't know if he should trust the man that he's been handcuffed and chained to. Because he's afraid that if he trusts Raito, the entire case will be put in danger and they'll all lose their lives. Because Raito might be Kira and L can't take any chances.
There's not much that either of them can do. One is convinced the other is Kira, and the other is mostly convinced that he's innocent.
Every day brings forth the same conversation in any number of variations. The words, though, are flowery versions of simple statements.
"I think you're Kira," L should say, instead of something like, "Does Raito-kun wish to give Kira an advantage?"
"I'm not Kira!" Raito should say, instead of playing along with the detective and simply continuing the conversation with something like, "Of course not, Ryuuzaki. It's just that I don't understand why we must do it this way when there would be fewer risks if we tried my method."
Over and over, the words spill out in all sorts of different ways. The accusations cut to the bone and the defenses begin to falter.
L puts pressure on Raito, simply waiting for the college student to break. The pressure builds higher and higher, and soon, L wonders if Raito can hold on forever.
He has no idea how Raito is feeling, and he can only make a few educated guesses. The problem is that the surface of a lake always looks far calmer than what happens beneath the waters and Raito is no exception. And they both know it.
L curses it because he can't get a good look into Raito's soul. Raito curses it because he can't prove himself right by allowing his emotions to show freely, but nor can he prove himself right be restraining them.
Raito hates his position. He's trapped in a room to work on the Kira Case and Ryuuzaki accuses him day after day of being Kira. But he's not Kira. He knows he's not Kira. He would remember it if he were, wouldn't he? Murdering so many people wasn't something he would do and Raito must believe in that with all of his might. He's afraid that he'll go insane otherwise.
L repeats the same words to him, day after day, disguised as new barbs and new comments and all sorts of different possible tests and quizzes. Raito hates it, but understands the necessity. The suspicion seeps into his soul and he's afraid that this brilliant detective before him is right and he's really Kira.
But he doesn't want to be Kira because he doesn't want to be so cruel a person. Kira is a killer, plain and simple, and though Raito can empathize with the feeling of a justified death, there's no way he can condone the murder of criminals and people, one after another.
Every report they get makes him close his eyes to think a silent prayer. "Let this person truly be a terrible criminal," he thinks. If he's Kira, he wants to be killing the world of the truly evil. "Let this person not be someone innocent or guilty of a petty crime," he thinks. He doesn't want to be Kira. He doesn't.
He's afraid of what he'd do if he ever found out he was. Raito knows the chances of him being Kira are high. L has been accurate about everything else so far, and the only thing that remains inconsistent with L's decisions and thoughts are Raito's memories.
Memories that Raito shares again and again and picks apart again and again. He tries to find something inconsistent – anything! – but is left with nothing. His memories of his life are normal and typical, matching the boredom that he remembers feeling… But are those remembered feelings accurate? His remembered life?
Raito is frustrated and hurt and angry and confused, and Raito doesn't know what to do. He's afraid he might be Kira, but he doesn't want to admit it. Raito's not stupid, after all. He knows the percentages are high, but he doesn't want to believe it.
After all, if Raito is Kira and Kira wants to kill L, then it means that Raito wants to kill L.
And Raito doesn't want to kill L. He sometimes finds that he hates the man and sometimes wishes to inflict pain on the detective, but never would he wish him dead. All of the negative feelings he's ever run through have been brought forth because of his frustration at his own helplessness. His complete inability to do anything.
Raito doesn't want L dead. He wants L to keep living. He wants to beat the Kira case, prove himself innocent, and maybe continue to help L solve cases. Maybe even talk with the man from time to time.
But Raito knows it's impossible. He feels it deep in his chest and he fears it. There's something hidden so deep within him that it's been buried within the darkness. Raito doesn't want it to come back. He fears what he doesn't know and he can't help himself.
If he is truly Kira, it means that he and L are enemies. It means that they cannot be friends. It means they cannot stay together in the calm patterns that they've taken to.
If Raito is truly Kira, it means that he's got to kill L before L captures him, and Raito isn't sure that he can do that.
He certainly doesn't want to… And yet, somehow, there's a shared understanding between the two.
"Let us enjoy this while we can," they think. "Let us pretend to be friends."