How do you know your obsession has reached the point of no return? For me it comes at the moment when I realize that every song I hear causes a new fanfic scene to play out in my head… and I'm very sad to say that I've reached that point with Battlestar Galactica…

So, for the sake of my sanity, or what little is left of it, I've decided to just keep on writing and hopefully ride it out until it goes away… this is the result of that decision.

This story is what I call a continuous-song-fic, it's a song fic but with multiple chapters, each chapter featuring a different song to go with the plot. I did it once before with my CSI: Miami fic "life by a tune" and it went fairly well so here goes nothing… By the way I just have to let you know (because I found it very amusing) on my computer this story is saved under the title "Galactica greatest hits" (I know it's lame but this is how I amuse myself… I know…. I need help!)

This story is set after Captain's hand. I love the scenes in that episode between Starbuck and Apollo - so full of angst. And I just got the feeling that the whole "Kara shot Lee" thing is not over, or shouldn't be over, yet. So this is my attempt and going from there.

Disclaimer: Don't own them, wish I did, but no such luck...

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the fire that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

She kept going through that conversation in her head. I was like a frakking broken record, driving her to the brink of insanity.

For the outside observer it would all seem fine, a normal conversation with a fairly happy ending - they smiled at each other, they apologized, they hugged in the end… but it wasn't fine.

"Are we ok?"

She could hear her own words echo in her mind as she replayed the conversation in her head. Her voice had sounded small, timid even, which is not something that happened to her very often. She knew it was a simple question, maybe even too simple. She knew she should have said something more… something more meaningful. but those 3 words are she had.

He cracked a joke and she wrapped her arms around him. She felt him wrap his arms around her. And she knew that she should have pushed harder, that she should have done more - yelled, screamed, cursed… whatever. But she didn't. She just hugged him, and he just hugged her back.

To the outside observer it would all seem fine.

But she wasn't on the outside and she knew better.

She knew that it didn't matter that he hugged her back, that it didn't matter that he was finally willing to look at her, to joke with her. She knew that as much as things seemed fine - they weren't. Not really.

Because when she asked him if they were ok that day - he never actually gave her an answer. He never actually said Yes.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

He got up from his bed and walked quietly into the other room. He rubbed his eyes and took a eat on the couch, picking up one of the several dozed reports he still had to read for the next day. He hadn't realized before how much paperwork was involved in running a ship.

After a few moments of reading his mind started to wander to everything that happened in the last 3 weeks since he took over the Pegasus. It was hard at first. Most people on board the Pegasus made the same mistake the crew of Galactica made when they first met him - assuming he was nothing more than his father's son. There were a few jokes at first, the crew called him "Commander Junior" behind his back. But it didn't last long. They learned to accept him and he hoped that in time they would also learn to respect him.

He glanced through the open hatch into his bedroom and watched the figure that lay sleeping in his bed. Dee. Ever since he took command of the Pegasus she made it a habit to come on board as often as she could. Whenever she had some time off she would come and spend the night with him. Most people aboard the Pegasus and the Galactica knew about it. But no one said a word. Everyone had lost everything when the cylons attacked - nobody cared anymore about who was frakking who. Nobody had the heart to enforce the fraternization rules and prevent people from finding solace in one another anymore.

And then there was Kara. Part of him missed her - like a hole in the pit of his stomach that couldn't be healed. But the other part of him - the other part of him was glad that she was away. The other part of him knew that if she'd been here he would have to look at her, to talk to her, to be her friend… and for some reason the thought of doing that scared him to death.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

She sat in her office, the one that used to be his and stared into empty space. She had so much work to do - meetings with the Admiral, flight schedules and CAP rotations and a huge stack of paperwork that kept piling up on her desk. She tried burying herself in her work but she wasn't really the type for it.

It's been 3 weeks. 3 weeks since he took command over the Pegasus and left her alone on the Galactica. It was weird and almost amusing to her that she thought this way - she'd spent 2 years without him on Galactica before the cylons attacked, she never felt alone before. And now, after just a few short month with him aboard she couldn't remember what it was like before he came here.

In the past 3 weeks she hardly ever saw him, she hardly even had a chance to speak to him. She heard his voice through the com once or twice when she was in CIC. They talked once about some training exercises they needed to do for the Pegasus viper pilots. She heard him over the com a few times talking to the pilots when she was on CAP or flying a mission.

But that was it.

It wasn't just all about work. They were friendly towards each other - they both made cracks and jokes about each other when they talked. He place an encouraging arm on her shoulder once when they walked out of an especially painfully boring meeting with the Admiral and the President.

It was all nice and friendly.

She hated nice and friendly.

The song is of course "Tears and Rain" by James Blunt