Choices
Sam watched his brother sleep. He was amazed at how soundly Dean could sleep. He had carried so much over the years so to imagine him as tired as Atlas having held the world up on his shoulders wasn't hard to do. Dean would bluster about not making such a big deal out of it, but Sam knew, had always known how much Dean had carried in his life, but sadly, didn't always show the gratitude that Dean had deserved for all he had done for him, especially for sacrificing his soul. He'd told him that he'd save him because Dean had done the same for him, but he had never really said the words, "thank you".
A part of Sam hated himself for feeling a little resentment over Dean's choice, that by making it, it would rob him of his brother forever unless he could find a way to save him. A part of Sam felt it was just too much to ask of him to save Dean, but then he'd remember that Dean hadn't asked him to save him, not like he had selfishly asked Dean to promise to kill him if he had ever become a monster. A promise that he knew, in retrospect, had been the worst thing he could ever have asked Dean to do. Dean's ultimate choice was proof of that. Still, he should have thanked Dean and he hadn't, like many other times in the past that he hadn't thanked him for being there, for making so many choices for his sake.
Sam was having another sleepless night. He was worried about not having found a way out of the deal for Dean yet, unable to sometimes contain the frustration of the unfairness of it all and taking it out on Dean when Dean least deserved it. Still, Dean never wavered from his silent acceptance of what was ahead. He had finally admitted to Sam that he was scared, that he didn't want to die or go to Hell. Sam had already known that though. It made the failures that much more painful for him. Yet, there was his big brother, sleeping, seemingly peacefully and Sam couldn't help but wonder how he could do that knowing his future.
He reclined back on his bed and let his mind wander, hoping it would allow him to sleep. He found himself remembering his childhood and though a lot of the time, all he could muster were the complaints he'd make about what they hadn't had; a full time father, a simpler, normal family life, a mother, he had found himself now remembering all the times Dean had given him so much of himself, his time, his own personal touch of normal.
Flashback
"Sammy?" a 15-year old Dean asked. "How you feeling, buddy?"
"Feeling sick…it's hot in here," Sam whined as he fell back on his bed, tired.
Dean smiled, went into the bathroom, wet a towel and put it on Sam's forehead.
"I know it sucks, but you'll get better soon. That towel feel good?"
Sam nodded.
"Can you eat a little soup? It'll help."
"Okay…" Sam said. "Dean?"
"Yeh?" Dean said as he brought up a bowl of chicken soup, spooning some into Sam's mouth.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Dean asked as he kept spooning soup into Sam.
"For making you miss your TV show because you have to take care of me."
"I'll catch it on reruns. Keep eating," Dean coaxed gently.
"I'm sorry you have to take care of me."
"Boy, this flu is making you all girlie. Nothing to be sorry about, Sammy. Did you ask to get sick?"
"Well…no…" Sam said quietly.
"Then it's not your fault, is it? So stop saying you're sorry."
Sam smiled at his big brother because Dean had meant every word, had never sounded like Sam was bothering him. That thought alone would make him feel better.
oooo
Flashback
"Dean?" Sam called out, scared at not hearing his big brother's voice. "Please, Dean, I'm scared."
"Shhh…It's okay, Sammy. I'm right here," Dean said as he went to Sam's bed when he had heard Sam call out his name.
"Dean…" Sam whimpered.
"Nightmare, huh?" Dean said as he patted Sam reassuringly on the back. "Well, it's over now. You're okay. It was just a bad dream."
"It was awful, Dean. I couldn't find you. I thought I had lost you," Sam said, unable to control his hitch of tears, hiccupping as he said every word.
"Well, you didn't. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise? Promise you won't ever leave me?"
Dean looked into his pleading brother's eyes and put on a soft smile.
"I promise. Now get back under the covers," Dean said as he tucked his 7 year old little brother back into bed.
Sam's eyes began to droop and as they did, he said, "I don't know what I'd do if you left too."
oooo
Present
Sam had remembered that nightmare and others that Dean had never known about. The really bad ones weren't about monsters, weren't even about losing Dad, though he did worry about that. The most horrible dreams were of losing Dean. And now that he was facing that very real possibility, he felt like a little boy again, desperate to have his big brother make everything better like he had all their lives, to help him tie his shoelaces then teach him how to do it himself, to comfort him when he was feeling sick or injured. All things that Sam had taken for granted and had never thanked him for. Dean had been ever present in his life with the exception of when Sam had chosen to sever his connection to him. Sam hadn't understood Dean's need to stay with their dad at the time. He had never understood why Dean hadn't ever wanted to have his own life, even if it was to hunt on his own. Sam couldn't figure out why Dean hadn't wanted to break free of their dad's belittling; his ordering; his obsession to finding the yellow-eyed demon that had taken their mother. Dean hadn't possessed the same drive to avenge their mother's death as their father had, though Sam knew that Dean had felt that loss as much as he did. Dean had never revealed to Sam his reasons, but he had chosen to stay.
Now, in spending time with his big brother, he had begun to understand. Funny how possibly losing his brother had made him see things he never had before. Guess what they say is true, it's only when you're faced with losing someone important to you do you discover what's really meaningful.
Dean had chosen family in everything he had done.
He had chosen to stay with their dad to keep him safe. He had chosen to let Sam go to college, as much as it had killed him to see him leave, because deep down, he had known that he had no right to make him stay. He had chosen to come back and get him from Stanford because his worst fear had come true. He had left their father to do another hunt on his own and their father had disappeared. Though Dean had never admitted it, Sam had known that his big brother had needlessly blamed himself for not being there for their dad. He had needed Sam to help him find him and had so much as said that he didn't want to do it alone. A statement that Sam should have recognized as meaning more than he had given it at the time. Dean had harbored hope that when they did find their father, they'd be a family again. Dean had almost died disappointed that neither Sam nor their dad had wanted a reunion.
Dean's choice to sell his soul to bring Sam back was also about family, to keep one last vestige of his hope for family alive, keeping a dying flame still lit after they had lost their father. Maybe even a hope that Sam would somehow be able to move on and have the family they both had never had. It hurt Sam to think that Dean would still think after all these years that his life was worth nothing more than being a vehicle to give Sam a chance at life, that it was worth less than Sam's when Sam knew that it was Dean's life that had kept him going all of his life. Couldn't Dean see how much of what Sam had become, was because Dean put him first, put his family first?
oooo
Flashback
"Don't let go, Dean! Don't let go!" Sam cried, scared to death, pedaling his little bike down the street.
"I won't until you're ready, bud."
"I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'll never be ready!"
"Listen to me, Sammy, keep pedaling; think of…AC/DC, pedal to the beat –"
"I HATE AC/DC!" Sam screamed.
"Okay, okay, then just listen to my voice, left, right, push down, keep going, atta boy, Sam you're getting it. That's it."
Sam pedaled, listening to Dean's calm voice, guiding his feet and legs into the rhythm that Dean had set and he was starting to relax. Dean looked over and noticed that Sam's concentration was on his pedaling and let go. He watched proudly as he saw Sam fly on his own.
"I'm doing it, Dean! I'm getting it!" Sam said, expecting Dean to be right next to him, but quickly noticed that he wasn't.
Sam panicked, turned his head back, pedaling all the while, and saw Dean smiling a good block away. He then abruptly swerved the bike to a stop and fell. Dean ran over, still smiling. When he had gotten to Sam, he helped him up, checked to make sure that the worst injury Sam had gotten was a raspberry on his elbow, then patted him on the back.
"You did it, Sammy! You were awesome! Next step, though, learning how to brake," Dean said.
Sam was smiling from ear to ear; not only for his own accomplishment, but that Dean was there to share it.
oooo
Flashback
"Dean?"
"Yeh?" Dean said as he cleaned his guns.
"I need to ask you something…it's kind of hard to explain, but, you see, there's this girl in my class…" Sam stuttered.
"What? Spit it out, will you? You're acting like a love-sick pup –" Dean started then cut himself off. "You are, aren't you?"
Dean was grinning and stopped what he was doing.
"Forget it!" Sam said frustrated.
"No, no, you like a girl, don't you? About time! Oooo, let me guess, it's that girl from your history class, the one you always 'just happen to bump into' at the library all the time, right? At least that would explain why you love it there so much."
"Hey, I happen to like the library," Sam said indignantly.
"Yeh, right. So it is her, isn't it?"
Sam felt himself blushing, but couldn't stop it.
"It's just…I go up to her and I get all –"
"Tongue-tied? Blithering like an idiot?" Dean teased.
"Forget I even brought it up," Sam huffed.
Dean looked at Sam's forlorn, yet angry face and decided to take pity on him.
"Sorry, sorry, okay, so you don't know how to talk to her, is that it?"
Sam looked at Dean's sincerity and relaxed.
"Do you want to ask her out?"
Sam nodded.
"Okay then, the solution is simple."
"Yeh, simple for you. All you have to do is smile and girls fall at your feet."
"True, but that's me. You want a girl that likes being in libraries like you which means she's a bookworm like you –"
"Mindy's nice! Don't talk about her like that!"
Dean smiled and thought to himself, "Oh, Sam's got it bad for this girl."
"That's good, sticking up for your girl. All girls like that."
"Dean, if you're not going to help then –"
"It's easy. Be yourself, Sam. It's all that's important."
"But I'm not smooth like you, I'm not cool like you –"
"That's because you aren't me and that's okay. This Mindy, she wouldn't give a guy like me the time of day, but she'd notice you."
"Yeh, right," Sam said rolling his eyes.
"Listen, Sam. You got something that every girl and I mean, every girl, likes. You're kind. You take an interest in them, believe me, girls sense those kinds of things, they know that when they talk to you, you listen to them."
"And you don't do that?"
"Not as well as you do," Dean admitted.
"You're just saying that."
"I'm all talk, Sam, but you, you're more than that."
Sam looked at Dean, his expression soft and meaningful.
"But you listen to me."
"Only if I have to," Dean teased.
Sam smiled.
"So I should just talk to Mindy?"
"Yeh, you know, move your jaw up and down and words come out. You're pretty good at talking my ear off."
"Ha, Ha," Sam replied sarcastically.
"Tell her you need help with your homework."
"But I don't –"
Dean sighed at Sam's earnestness.
"It gets the ball rolling, okay? You start talking history then who knows what other subjects it might lead to. Get it?"
"Okay, okay, I guess I can do that."
"I know you can, Sam. Just be yourself, like I said. As a geek, you got skills."
"Shut up!"
Dean laughed.
"You okay, now?"
"Yeh, yeh, I am. Thanks, Dean."
"Don't mention it. You'll have to tell me how it goes."
"I don't kiss and tell."
"Hmmm…maybe you are like me."
"Shut up!"
oooo
Flashback
Sam stormed through the front door, tossed his backpack across the room, and stomped into their room. Dean watched, puzzled and concerned. He followed Sam into the room.
"Hey! What's with the tornado entrance?"
"I don't want to talk about it!" Sam yelled.
"Something happen at school?"
"What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand?" Sam said angrily.
Dean then became seriously worried.
"Because I'm the one who bottles things up. You, you're the talker."
"Well, then maybe I should change! I mean, maybe I should be shallow, all charm and no substance, girls like that, right? ALL girls like that kind of guy! All girls like YOU!"
Dean was at first stung by Sam's words hearing the implication in them. He couldn't deny it though. He was all those things and worse. Then realization hit.
"This is about Mindy, isn't it? What happened?"
Sam paced back and forth.
"I decided to do what you said so I walked up to her in the hall, asked her if she was going to be at the library later and she told me 'no', that she had a date with Alec, the 'coolest guy in school', then she went on and on about how excited she was, that she didn't think a guy like him would give her the time of day…" Sam trailed off, his anger dissipating into sadness, bitterness and disappointment as he plopped down on his bed.
Dean looked at his crushed little brother and wished he could do something. What he wanted to do was beat up this Alec guy for breaking Sam's heart, but he knew that wouldn't solve anything. All Dean could do was massage the hurt and hope it would pass sooner rather than later.
"I'm sorry, Sam," Dean said.
"I was an idiot to believe you. You're one of them, the popular guy who gets everything he wants."
Dean hung his head at being stung by the truth again, but swallowed. This wasn't about him. This was about making things better for Sam.
"Know what? You're right. I'm just like this Alec guy so I can tell you exactly what's going to happen next."
"I don't care…" Sam said defeatedly. "Just leave me alone."
"Sam, if you're going to grow up in this harsh world, you have to learn that sometimes life isn't fair. That you can't always make lemonade from lemons, but you CAN keep it from making you angry at the unfairness of it all and you CAN beat the Alecs of the world by being better than them, by not changing who you are."
"How can I compete with him?"
"Sam, I wasn't lying before, you have something that every girl wants, just sometimes, it takes time for them to realize it. Sure, Alec is all bright lights and flash, but inside, he's empty, just using his charm to get by, but one day, he'll lose his looks and he'll be the one alone. I know nothing I say can make the hurt go away, but one thing I do know, don't you stop caring about her because of what happened. That's your gift, Sammy. I see it all the time in how you treat people. Be Mindy's friend for now and I guarantee she'll see you for the great guy that you are. She'll need your friendship when Alec gets tired of her and wants another girl."
"You think so?" Sam asked, calming down even more.
"I know so."
Sam looked at Dean and caught a glimmer of pain in his eyes. He knew he had hurt him with his words, but Dean would never let him feel bad about it.
"I'm sorry about what I said, I didn't mean to-"
"Don't sweat it, Sammy," Dean said as he walked out of the room.
Sam felt awful for how he had treated his brother. Dean wasn't anything like Alec. He knew that, but he had been angry and couldn't stop himself. He often wondered why Dean always took the hurt and never fought back. He had every right to.
oooo
Flashback
Their dad had carried Dean to the bed and had laid him down carefully. Sam was scared. Dean had put himself in harm's way when Sam had frozen in fear as he watched the demon come towards him. The demon had slashed Dean's torso and had injected its poison into him. Dean had barely registered it and it didn't even slow him down. He had maintained complete focus and managed to take his sword and decapitate it. He then turned to see if Sam was okay first before the pain finally hit him and brought him down to his knees. Sam screamed for help and their dad had rushed to their side.
"Dean? Dean? Can you hear me?" Their dad called.
"D…dad…yeh, I can hear you," Dean struggled, his body arching in pain. "Hurts…"
"I know, son, but you're going to be fine. The venom isn't fatal, but you're going to be in a world of hurt for a little while," John comforted.
"Sam okay?" Dean asked, fisting the sheets of the bed.
"Yeh, he's fine," John said smiling over his oldest son's concern. "I'm going to get Bobby and we'll fix something to ease the pain a little, okay?"
"Okay. Be careful, Dad."
"I will. Sam? Take care of your brother until I get back, all right?"
Sam just nodded. He watched as their father walked out of the room and heard the door slam. A groan had him turning his attention back to Dean.
"Dean? You okay?"
"Yeh, don't worry…" Dean said, as he clenched his eyes closed.
"I'm sorry, Dean. This is all my fault," Sam said, his voice emotional.
"Where would you get that idea?" Dean said between ragged breaths and moans.
"I froze. I couldn't move. You had to put yourself in front of me…then you got poisoned…It's all my fault."
Dean tried to get up, but curled up into a ball with pain. He fell back groaning.
"Don't move, Dean!" Sam said.
Dean took in some shaky breaths to ease the pain a little then looked at Sam.
"Sam, look at me," he said.
Sam looked up and into Dean's pain-riddled eyes.
"This isn't your fault. We look out for each other. It's what brothers do. I have your back and you have mine. Got it?"
"But that's just it, you always have my back and I…"
"What?"
"I just seem to get into trouble…to get you into trouble."
"Sam –"
"Dean, I don't want you to die because of me…I…I just don't know what I'd do if you weren't there. Selfish, I know, but –"
Dean looked at his brother's eyes and saw real fear in them.
"Where are you getting all this? I've been hurt before, I'm not going to leave you."
Sam turned away.
"What? What is it?"
"I've been having these dreams…awful dreams…I watch you die, over and over and I can't stop it."
"Sammy, they're just dreams. I'm not gonna die."
"Dean, I may be 14, but I'm not stupid. The life we lead? You can't promise that."
Dean fought another wave of pain. He knew that Sam was smart and to Dean's regret, he wasn't a little kid he could easily lie to anymore.
"Okay, you're right, I can't promise I won't die, but that doesn't mean your dreams mean anything."
Sam thought about it and didn't have a good argument.
"Well…I guess not…" he grudgingly admitted.
Dean tried to straighten out, but couldn't. Sam could only watch and hope that their dad would be back soon.
"Dean…"
Dean looked at Sam.
"I know what I said, but…promise me you won't die," Sam said, knowing it was a stupid thing to ask, but needing to hear his big brother's reassurance. Dean always kept his promises.
Dean understood and nodded.
"I promise."
oooo
Sam heard the radio click on then the song blared and it startled him awake.
"It was the heat of the moment, telling me what your heart meant. Heat of the moment shone in your eyes."
Sam then heard Dean's voice calling, "Rise and shine, Sammy!"
FIN