Three things I have come to accept in the past three days. First, I've been in love with him for a year. Second, he is in love with my best friend. Third, I'm just not good enough.
I've accepted these things as facts, and they really hurt. Worse than the awful headache I have right now brought on by this stupid sinus infection. Why do they hurt? All chance of him ever loving me, or ever being able to love me, flew out the window when he admitted his feelings for her. If I had said something a long time ago, none of this would have happened. She would not love him back.
I'm glad I didn't, because now I'm getting a real reaction from both of them. I saw it coming. I refused to accept it. Before it was all official, I could reject it. I could pretend like there was no way either of them would ever be interested in each other. I told myself they were too different. I lied to myself. When it finally happened, I was shocked. But it didn't have a full effect until her dream- my nightmare- became a reality. What does she have that I don't have? Why not me?
I know him so much better. I've been the better friend. I talked to him, helped him, stood by him, advised him, and complemented him. Was it all for nothing? As much as it killed me, I still gave him girl advice. She tells me things about him, things she only just learned I've known for years. I drop hints to her, but she doesn't get them. That's probably a good thing. All hell would break loose.
So then why do I keep doing it? I'm tired of the pain. I want it to go away. And if she shuts up about it, I'll be able to think about it less. That's not true. Every second I'm alone, with nothing to do, my mind wanders there. To that question, that wretched question that has forced me to doubt everything. Why not me?
What's wrong with me? It's an honest question. Am I truly over dramatic and annoying? Is it my height? Is it my looks? Is it the fact that I'm not into sports? Is it because someone else likes me? Most of these things are out of my control, so I guess I am, by nature, inadequate.
That brings me to the final thing I've accepted. I am, by nature, inadequate. I should give up. I'm sorry I like being myself, and I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you.