Her subordinates probably thought she was disappointed. Disappointed didn't even begin to cover it. She was heartbroken. There were no other words for it, not in a human language anyway. They had questioned why she had sent so many to get him, after so many had already died (and he'd killed so many). Of course questioning had become something the family did a lot more. They were her family, her siblings. She loved all of them. And she wouldn't leave one behind.
Castiel was special. It was easy to simply state that he was a good symbol, and a symbol of her control was necessary. But it was more than that. Castiel was the lost lamb. He was the prodigal son. It was their duty to protect and serve Heaven. But their Father and his Son had told humanity that they needed to love one another and those who needed Heaven's help were the most important. Well Castiel needed it most of all.
He was lost, so very lost when she found him. But he loved their father more than anything, more than anyone. He was trying to repent. He was good. He questioned so much, and he tried. But now it was time for him to come home. The fact that their Father kept bringing him back meant he was more than worth saving.
The problem was that though he had repented he was still trying to be human. She wished he could be. He should be. He should be God's most beloved, because he tried like a human and he failed like a human and he did what God designed humans to do. But he couldn't be human, and it was hurting him too much.
Making him kill thousands of Dean Winchesters wasn't out of cruelty. It wasn't to punish him. It wasn't to make him a symbol. It was to protect him. If Castiel could kill Dean Winchester then he would have nothing to tie him to humanity. He could be freed. He could start to heal, to re-assimilate. He needed to come home. He needed to understand what he was: and Angel, nothing more.
She'd wanted to save her little brother. She loved him no less than she loved any of her other siblings, but he needed the most and so she had to give him the most. It was just unfortunate that this tablet business happened at the same time.
She didn't want to hurt him. He begged for the demon's life. She didn't like it. It wasn't his point (though it was valid) that made her stay his hand. She could see how desperate he was to keep the ones he cared for safe. She shouldn't have allowed it, but she did.
And she allowed him to hold off killing Dean Winchester as long as she could. Because she knew he would hurt for it. He would be free, but he would grieve so much. The thought had made her resolve waver. What happened afterward was her fault.
She controlled James Novak. It was easy to control humans. Castiel had treated his vessel with little care, and James hated him a lot for it. He was easy to bend to her will. She could promise him a release later, once things had calmed down and Castiel wasn't needed on earth anymore. Castiel wouldn't need him forever, and she'd allow him to share a heaven with his wife and get to see his daughter when the time came. James had given in after that.
Castiel had been harder, a lot harder.
That was why she kept her control so ironclad. And she faltered for a minute and Castiel got enough leverage to escape. But it wasn't just an escape. It was a fall. She wished she hadn't given him the ultimatum, but she had thought that she had enough control that the right decision should be clear.
Castiel had given the last of his powers to three things: 1. Healing Dean Winchester. 2. Running away. 3. Hiding himself. He'd cut all ties, from the Winchesters, from Heaven. He was utterly alone, completely powerless, and he was going to protect the angel tablet better. She just had to find him.
"Father, please don't make me kill Castiel. Please, I can save him, please don't make me do this," she prayed softly when her subordinates were gone and she knew she was completely alone. She wanted her father to come back, to fix it all. But she was also afraid of what he'd do to her little brother if he came back to Heaven in this state. She had to find Castiel, she had to. It was the only way to protect him, the only way to save him.
She took a deep breath to calm her vessel's pounding heart. It's okay Amanda. It will be okay.
Castiel will come, I know he will, Naomi. He will. He knows you love him.
Naomi smiled weakly. Amanda was a good partner. She was jealous of her sometimes. Being human.
She noticed them, the odd warmth on her cheeks. She reached up, finding them wet. She smiled a little. Angels didn't cry, could not. They didn't have the emotions or the ability. So Amanda was doing it for her.
Thank you.