A/N: Another Song Fic! I haven't even started the next chapter of "Enough" so anyone waiting on that, I'm Sorry! I just haven't gotten the right inspiration for it yet! I don't own House, if I did I wouldn't be writing on fanfiction sites, I'd be writing out in the real world. The song is Glass by Thompson Square which I also do not own but I did purchase the CD :) Time frame for this fic is during / directly after Bombshells. They're both so broken and vulnerable there, it's a good setting for this song fic. I recommend listening to the song before reading the fic, just to set the mood :)
Trying to live and love
With a heart that can't be broken
Is like trying to see the light
With eyes that can't be opened
As House watched Cuddy walk away from him he felt his heart break in two. Maybe in more than two, it broke into so many little pieces. He didn't know how in the span of 24 hours he could go from thinking he was going to lose the woman he loved to being relieved she was okay and then actually losing her for an unforeseen reason. He knew he shouldn't have taken the Vicodin but he wanted to be with her before, during and after her surgery, he just couldn't do it without the little push. He didn't even take what would have been considered for him a "normal" dose. He had taken one, one single Vicodin pill. She claimed he was stoned, he wasn't stoned he was just a little numb. He was numb enough that he wouldn't completely break apart if the expected worst turned out to the be the truth. The Vicodin was a formality really, his security blanket. He needed for it to be there for him so he could be there for her.
Slowly House made his way back to his couch, he dropped his head into his hands and did something he hadn't done in a long time, he cried. There was no one there to witness it, no one to see it. He was in the privacy of his own home and he could do whatever he pleased and right at this moment he chose to cry. He cried for everything they were and everything they weren't, what they could have been and what they should have been. He knew from long ago when Stacy left that all breakups entailed pain. When she left him he drank himself into oblivion and abused drugs so heavily it's a wonder he didn't OD. House was sure he would never get over what happened when Stacy left, but he did. Getting over Stacy was a picnic compared to getting over Cuddy. House just simply did not know if it was possible. He knew himself. He knew he went into this relationship, every relationship he'd ever had actually, with a closed heart. He wanted relationships where his heart couldn't be broken, he wanted to be immune from the pain. Cuddy was right when she said to him that the Vicodin is to keep him from feeling pain and she was right when she said everything he does is to keep him from feeling pain. She was also right when she said pain happens when you care. He must have cared about her more than he had ever realized. House went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of scotch, to sit on his couch and nurse that along with his broken heart, but he stopped himself. He was already in so much pain, just hearing the things she said to him, that he would always put himself first, that he wasn't willing to be there for her, they hurt so much. If he already cared and hurt this much what more of a difference would it make to show her that he can and does feel the pain of what just happened. It couldn't make anything worse so what was wrong with trying to make it better. House retreated from the kitchen, grabbed his keys from atop the piano and headed out to his motorcycle, turning the key and starting off in the direction of Cuddy's home.
Yeah we both carry baggage
We picked up on our way
So if you love me, do it gently
And I will do the same
Cuddy was exhausted when she finally made it home. Her sister Julia was waiting there for her when she returned. Thankful that Rachel was spending the night at Julia's house and was currently there, probably either playing with her cousins and her uncle or she was fast asleep gave Cuddy a little bit of solace. She was also glad her daughter wasn't going to see what was going to happen next. As soon as Cuddy stepped in the front door, Julia embraced her and Cuddy broke down. The tears flowed freely as she described the quick but surely not painless breakup to her sister. They made their way into the dining room and sat in chairs on opposite sides of the table while Cuddy rehashed every moment of her relationship with House from the moment they met in the Michigan bookstore up until tonight when she left him standing slack jawed in his living room, still holding a piece of her heart.
It was a little after eleven pm when there was a knock on Cuddy's front door. Julia stood to get it but Cuddy stopped her and told her she'd get it. It was probably Wilson and it would be easier to get rid of him if she showed her face at the door, explained her side of the story and let him say his piece (good or bad) before going over to (or back to) House's apartment. Cuddy pulled the door open, shocked to see House standing there, tear tracks lining his face, eyes red rimmed.
"House are you stoned again? Why would you come back here? We just broke up and I'm not changing my mind. I don't need your drunk, stoned, selfish ass here right now."
House just looked at her for a moment before reaching out and taking her hand that wasn't gripping the door, she tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her.
"Cuddy please listen to me. I'm not high and I'm not drunk. I'm upset, I'm in pain. You told me everything I do is to avoid pain but this… this is unavoidable. I didn't take that Vicodin to get high or to spite you, I did it so I could be there for you when you needed me."
Cuddy just shook her head at him and started to cry harder. "You just don't get it do you? I didn't break up with you because you're a Vicodin addict. I knew that already. I was proud of you for being clean for so long but I accepted the fact that you could relapse when a case got too hard or if you had a bad fight with Wilson. I didn't break up with you because of the drugs, I broke up with you because you needed drugs to make yourself care about me. You don't care about anyone but yourself, you needed to hype yourself up on Vicodin to be there for me, you couldn't just do it. That's not a relationship, that's a disaster waiting to happen."
House shook his head and gripped her hand a little tighter. "That's why you think I took the drugs, to force myself to care about you? That isn't the reason at all. Maybe you're right it was to avoid pain but it was my own pain. I know I never tell you enough that I love you, but I really honestly do. You are the one thing in my life that can make things better when everything around me is getting worse. You are my pain reliever, my stress reliever. You are always there for me and I knew I had to be there for you. The only difference this time is there was nothing and no one there to take away my paralyzing fear. It was possible that I would going to lose the love of my life to a disease we see and treat all the time. It was a cruel twist of fate. I was scared, hell I was almost sick with worry and pain and there was no one to say "It's okay" because for me that person is always you. You deserve better, you deserve someone who can be with you and can just push their own worries and problems aside but I can't. I needed to suppress my own fears so that I could be there to calm yours. It wasn't the right approach, it wasn't even a good approach but it was something I had to do. I don't expect you to understand and I don't expect you to forgive me, I just wanted you to know. That way at least if you never want to speak to me again you'll know that even though I went about it the totally wrong way, I did it for you. I've never been good at compassion stuff. Maybe someday I can learn how to be there for someone without caring for myself first, but I'm not there yet. Everything I did was out of love and concern for you, I'm sorry I lived down to your expectations."
House let her hand fall from his and turned to leave. Cuddy stood there shell shocked for a moment trying to process all the information she had just received. She was still utterly furious over the whole incident, but coming to apologize is so unlike House. She told him he could never change, but maybe he really was trying. She reached out the door and touched his sleeve, trying to slide her hand down his arm to catch his. He turned back to her slightly after feeling her touch. She grabbed his hand and they stared at each other for a long moment.
Julia, upon hearing what was happening in the front hall, slipped out the back door and into the driveway where her car resided. She slid into the drivers seat and sat there quietly. While she wanted to kill House, she knew this was something he and her sister had to work out for themselves and they didn't need an audience. If he was there for longer than an hour she would head home and if he was gone before then she would go back in to comfort her sister. She knew right now this was not the time or place for her to butt in, they needed to work out what was between them even if they could never work again as a couple. They seemed to need and want each other in their lives however they could be there.
House and Cuddy had stepped back into her entryway still holding hands and just looking at one another. At some point they made their way to the couch where they just sat holding hands and not speaking. Eventually someone had to break the silence, Cuddy was the first to do so. "House we have such a history. We both carry baggage with us from different events in our lives, our past relationship, our bad habits. Sometimes I don't think we're sensitive enough to one another, we don't recognize those things in each other that affect us every day. You had the infarction, you had more than one painful break up with Stacy, you were shot, you were held hostage, you've been addicted to painkillers and you've been clean, you've been to rehab, you've been in therapy and you had to watch your girlfriend possibly almost die. There are times when I forget that those things happened and I don't cut you the kind of slack that I should. I've had to deal with many things in my life too. The pressure of being the youngest and first female dean of medicine, never being able to find a lasting stable relationship, trying IVF, having a miscarriage, losing the potential to adopt a baby, finally adopting a baby and realizing it could be a huge mistake, being a working mother, getting engaged and breaking the engagement, having a cancer scare and then there's just the general point of dealing with my mother which is enough stress in it's own right. I know you don't think about those things because I don't let them show, in the same way that you never let show what's bothering you. Maybe we're both too screwed up to make anything ever work between us and maybe we've been doomed from the start. Maybe though if we tried to start over and tried to love one another a little more gently we could make this work. I know I'm asking for something completely out of your comfort zone and something you would never dream of doing in a million years, but I simply can't live without you. Even if we're not dating House, I need you in my life and I need to know that we're okay."
We may shine, we may shatter
We may be picking up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
We break fast, cause we are glass
House sat there and tried to absorb everything Cuddy was saying. What she was asking of him, he didn't know if he could do. This had been what the fight and break up was originally about anyway, that he couldn't care for her the way she needed him to. He couldn't be open like she wanted him to because he'd programmed himself to be closed off. He knew that when they were together they were good, very good. They were almost unstoppable. When they were on the same side, the same team, in agreement there was nothing they couldn't do. When they fought though all of that shattered. Every insult is like a shard of glass waiting to cut into the skin and cause blood to flow out. The only difference this time is that it resulted in her leaving. She left them shattered on the floor and he is left to pick up the pieces which isn't something he's accustomed to doing but for her it was worth a try.
House didn't like feeling this open or vulnerable. He knew he had to say something to her but what? What could make her understand that he could never be what she wanted him to be, but he still wanted her anyway. She had said to him on more than one occasion 'You Can't Always Get What You Want, But If You Try Sometimes You Might Find You Get What You Need'. How could he make her see that no, he wasn't what she wanted but he could be everything she needed if she'd just give him the chance? What she wanted was a knight in shining armor but what she needed was him, if there was only a way to make her see that. She could only see what he let her see, like a trick of the mind. We are who we are because of the fronts we put on, the parts of ourselves that we let shine through while we keep other parts hidden in the dark. We can change shape at any given moment when we let a new part of ourselves out into the light. House just didn't know how to let the part of himself that allows him to care for her out where she can see it. He worries about her more than he would ever let on. He worries that she's overworking herself, he worries if she's had time to stop for lunch or that she is too wrapped up in something to remember to relax. He worries when she says she's not feeling well, he worries when he hears something is wrong with Rachel… but he never shows it. House knew that if he wanted to keep her he was going to have to do something to show her he could care.
I'll let you look inside me
Through the stains and through the cracks
And in the darkness of this moment
You'll see the good and bad
"Cuddy I think you know, and have always known, that I am broken." House told her. He wasn't looking at her, averting his gaze to different objects in the room. He settled on a photo she had in a frame on the end table, a photograph he had never seen before. It was of them and Rachel. Cuddy had her eyes shut and her mouth was open, she was laughing and leaning back into his shoulder. Rachel was sitting on his good leg looking up at him while biting her lip and giving him the most mischievous smile. He was staring down at Cuddy, just watching her. He had a genuine smile on his face and a spark in his eye that he had never seen in himself. He was giving her a look that could only be described as a look of love. They appeared to be sitting on one of the benches right outside the hospital, which Wilson has a great vantage point of from his office so it must have been Wilson who took the picture and gave it to Cuddy. House liked what he saw. Of course Cuddy looked beautiful as always and Rachel looked adorable, again just like always. House liked the picture though mainly because he liked the way he looked. He looked happy, he looked like he belonged in that picture, something he had never noticed before. He never thought he quite fit into Cuddy's world what with the way he dressed and the scowl he always wore. He always assumed when they went out together and when they took Rachel places people played a game of spot the difference, which element doesn't belong. In that photograph there was no spotting the difference, right there is where he belonged.
"Yes House, I'm fully aware you're broken. I didn't answer because I thought you had more to add to that." Cuddy said to him, giving him a rather puzzling look, which was warranted because he was basically staring off into space. House contorted his face a little and pointed with his free hand at the photograph "When was that taken? How come I've never seen it before?" Cuddy turned around and followed the direction of his finger. She reached behind herself for the frame and placed it between them on the couch. "This? Wilson took this about a month or so ago. He went out on his balcony for one reason or another and looked down and saw us. He thought I might want it so he e-mailed it to me. I printed it out and put it in a frame. It's only been sitting out here a few days, I'm not surprised you didn't notice it. What does this picture have to do with you being broken though House?"
House thought about his wording choice before he responded. "Nothing. I am broken but in this picture you can't tell. You can always tell. What is so different about this?" Cuddy tried to think back to that day. Marina had called Cuddy to tell her she had the flu and couldn't watch Rachel today. Of course as professional as she was Marina gave Cuddy as much notice as she could, but it was still short notice for finding an all day sitter. Cuddy had decided to cut her losses and bring Rachel with her to the hospital. At worst she knew she could leave Rachel in her office and have a nurse come in and sit with her while she was working. When they got there House was limping in right behind them, uncharacteristically early. She remembered he gave the excuse that he left his PSP there and was lonely without it. She knew the real reason was probably his leg was bothering him more than usual and he usually slept better in the chair in his office than at home in his bed. When Rachel heard the sound of his voice she rocketed her head off of Cuddy's shoulder, yelled "HOUSE" at the top of her lungs and tried to squirm out of Cuddy's arms to get to him. House picked on her a little and then suggested they all go to the cafeteria and get some breakfast. Cuddy had gotten an orange juice for herself, House had snagged a bagel (on Cuddy's tab of course) and they got Rachel a small box of Cheerios. They took their breakfast outside to a bench to eat and enjoy the nice weather, which is where the picture was taken.
"If I remember correctly you or I made some comment about me having your balls and you followed up with something to the effect of you didn't mind if I had them as long as I played with them once in awhile. Rachel countered with she wanted to play with them as well, especially the big grey and red one and she was never giving it back either. It sent me into a fit of giggles because she really had no idea what we were talking about. You must be proud of her inappropriately timed wit." Cuddy smiled in spite of herself remembering a time when they were happy. House smiled too, still staring at the picture. He cleared his throat before continuing what he originally planned on saying.
"Cuddy you know I'm broken and always have been. Look at this picture though, you can't tell how broken I am. I always believed that I didn't actually belong with you and Rachel. You two both deserve better and I was sure that was outwardly noticeable. I am a misanthropic SOB with a limp and a chip on my shoulder. No, more than a chip, I have the whole iceberg that sunk the Titanic on my shoulder. I thought everyone around us could see that there was this beautiful woman and this rather cute little runt with a guy who just didn't quite fit in. Cuddy, I belong in this picture. I belong with you laughing and leaning into me and I belong with Rachel sitting there right on my lap smiling up. We're good together. I'm the one that messed that all up. I don't let anyone inside and some of the things I do to people are just downright horrible. But when I'm with you I'm better. Yeah I still spout off and make risky medical decisions and have horrible timing with my rude comments but I'm not lonely, I'm not a third wheel to Wilson and whoever his date of the evening is, I'm not an extra barstool to go out for drinks with the team, I'm coming back to people that care about me. Even if Rachel does get a little over excited sometimes, wants me to have a tea party with her or play with her stuffed animals or show me her art projects, it's nice to have someone who wants to share things with you. I'm unable to share things, but it's nice when she wants to share things with me. It's nice to know you'll be there to, just your being there is enough."
House couldn't continue. He really didn't have anything else to say. That was as honest as he could be. She was no doubt judging, scrutinizing and overanalyzing everything he was saying, but at least now she knew. He was going to try to make a quick exit but Cuddy opened her mouth to say something.
But try not to judge me
Cause we've walked down different paths
But it brought us here together
So I won't take that back
"House, I want to say something right now but I'm having trouble processing it all so fast. I understand that this is your way of trying to apologize to me and show me that you care about Rachel and I, but it's not that simple. It's great that you care, it's great that you feel like you belong with us because that's what I always wanted. Caring isn't enough House, proving you care is what matters. You once told me that words mean nothing and actions mean everything. I know you want a second chance and you probably even deserve one, but I don't know if I can do that. This isn't just about me anymore, it's about Rachel. I have to do whats best for my daughter and as much as I want you to be what's best for her I don't know if you can be." This statement made House mad.
"I can't believe you're judging me like this Cuddy. You don't know where the hell I've been in my life or what I've went through. You think you know me but you don't. What do you think I would do to Rachel, hurt her? Hit her? I'd never do anything like that. I know what it's like to be abused and I would never wish that on anyone and I'd certainly never afflict it on someone, especially not her." House knew before it was out of his mouth that he should stop talking. Cuddy didn't know about the abuse. There had been times he thought he should tell her but he never mustered up the courage to do so. Judging by the look on her face it had just set in what he had said, and she was shocked.
"What do you mean you know what it's like to be abused?" She questioned. House was stuck. He had come here to prove to her that he had changed and he could let her in right? Maybe it was time to do just that. "When I was younger my dad abused me. I don't like to talk about it and I don't want that to become the main focus of this conversation, I went over all of it when I was in therapy. Just know that I would never lay a hand on Rachel, I never want to be the man my father was."
Cuddy stared at him for a long moment, it all made sense now. This is why he didn't want to get to close to Rachel or get attached to her, he didn't want to be like his father. He saw being a father figure as a bad thing because all a father figure was to him was someone who hurts you. Thinking like him now, this all made perfect sense. "You're not your father House. Rachel adores you, which sometimes I wonder why, but she does. You make smart remarks to her, you treat her like you do everyone else, but you've never laid a finger on her in a less than appropriate or caring manner. That's not why I worry about you being around her, I worry because emotionally you could say something sarcastic to her that will hurt her or you could just up and leave one day and she'd miss you so much. Emotional scarring is just as painful and physical scarring and my job is to protect her from that."
"Cuddy" House started. "We could sit here re-hashing why I'm an awful person, how much damage I can do, how much damage I've done to myself, etcetera etcetera. You think you know where I've been but you don't know everything. All the bad things that have happened to me in my life have led me to you though and I wouldn't take them back. Getting expelled from John Hopkins and ending up at Michigan was my own dumb fault, but it's where I met you. Having the infarction in my leg crippled me for life, but it brought me back to you. I could go on and on about the different stupid things I've done or bad things I've encountered that brought me closer to you but you get my point. The road I've mapped out for myself hasn't been a smooth one or a clear one but in the end it always leads to you."
Cuddy smiled a little at that comment. "And my road always seems to lead back to you as well. I don't think I'd change it though. For all the bad times we've had, we've had a lot of good ones as well." House nodded in agreement "Plenty of good ones, and they usually all ended with you getting naked, the best thing of all." Cuddy rolled her eyes at him, even when he was trying to be good he couldn't completely squelch his instincts.
We may shine, we may shatter
We may be picking up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
We break fast, cause we are glass
Cuddy looked up at House and knew immediately she really wanted to kiss him. It wasn't right, it wasn't a good time but it was something she really wanted to do. So instead of thinking about what was wrong or right or whether her timing was off Cuddy leaned up and covered his mouth with hers. She felt him respond instantly and then before they knew it they were making out on the couch like two crazy teenagers. Before Cuddy could even process what was happening they were rising from the couch, still kissing and inching their way to the bedroom. Her sweater had been slipped from her shoulders, his jacket now littered the floor, he was reaching for the hem of her shirt and she was reaching for the button on his jeans and they were stumbling back against her bed. This was an all too familiar scene that normally Cuddy would have no problem with, but this was different. Over the past few days something had changed, and she had to know if this was something they could handle diving into again.
We might be oil and water
This could be a big mistake
We might burn like gasoline and fire
It's a chance we'll have to take
Cuddy broke away from his next kiss and placed her hand on his chest. "House this could be a big mistake. We're oil and water, we always have been. We just broke up, I'm not even sure if we're back together and we're jumping back in bed as if nothing happened. This is a bad idea. Even you know this is a bad idea." Cuddy couldn't even look at him, knowing he would take this as another excuse from her to push him away. She knew he would think she didn't want this even though there was nothing she wanted more, but it was all so rushed.
House gently lifted her hand from his chest and wrapped his own around it, then he just looked at her. He searched her face for the doubt and fear he was sure he was going to find there. It was doubt or fear that he noticed in her eyes though, it was uncertainty. She didn't know what was coming next and she always liked to know what she was facing. They were unpredictable and they always had been. It was something she never enjoyed about their relationship and it was one of the things she always loved the most and House knew that.
"Cuddy I know you don't know what's coming next, I don't either. Life is not a guarantee. This could all burn up like a match and a tank of gasoline tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Don't you think it's a chance we should take though. What if we don't get back together, don't take that risk? I could end up marrying a hooker, you could end up leaving town, Wilson could end up with cancer. All of those bad things could happen if we don't give this a shot, or they could happen anyway, but it's a chance we have to be willing to take."
Cuddy didn't know what the appropriate response was, so she just kissed House again. They fell into a steady rhythm of making love until the early hours of the morning, happy to finally be together again after all that had happened in the last few days.
We may shine, we may shatter
We may be picking up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
We break fast, cause we are glass
We are glass
Julia left shortly after she saw them head for the bedroom. When she arrived home Rachel and her boys were passed out on various pieces of living room furniture along with her husband and the end credits of Aladdin were rolling in the background. She got everyone off to bed and made an executive decision to keep Rachel for one more day so her "parents" could finish sorting out all the questions that would be inevitable in the morning.
House and Cuddy finally tired each other out around 2 AM. They snuggled into the blankets of the bed, Cuddy curled into House's left side, falling into a peaceful slumber. House was wide awake though. His arm was around Cuddy, he felt content, this was where he belonged. He had a lot of unanswered questions, he was unsure of what she'd feel when she woke up tomorrow but it was all worth it. Even if they didn't spend forever together at least he got to hold her for one more night. House slowly drifted off to sleep, his dreams playing scenes of him and Rachel ganging up on Cuddy, he and Cuddy making love and spending forever together.
A/N: It took me forever to write this but I'm happy with the end result :) Reviews are my Vicodin so leave me a few pretty please xoxo