Title: Not the Life he Imagined

Author: Tsarina Smith

Rating: PG-13/R-ish

Disclaimer: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

Spoilers: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

Summary: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

Authors Notes: I'm back! And with no angst this time! Well, not as much angst anyways. This is something I've wanted to write ever since I saw a rerun of "Standards of Conduct" like two years ago. But, I wrote Clearing Her Head, Twenty-Six Weekends and Broken Promises instead. But, I still want to do this. So, even though there are about a gazillion stories out there dealing with the baby deal, there is about to be one more. I hope you enjoy this and please let me know what you think.

The most important thing you guys can know here is I'm tweaking the timeline a bit. The episode was set in January. According to a website I went to for info on Harm, his birthday is in October. So let's pretend for the sake of what I want to write that the episode happened in October.

And a few VERY minor things I've done that deviate from the show. 1) Harm has a TV. Pretend Renee made him get one. 2) Text messaging & cell phone technology is what we use/have today. I know 2003 (when this story is set) doesn't seem that long ago, but lets just pretend that the technology back then is what it is now. Thanks!

One

"Harm. Harm!"

He looked up from his desk and into the smiling face of his partner. He shook his head clear of his last few thoughts and with a smile he gestured for her to come in. "Hey Mac, what's going on?"

"Well, besides the fact that I've been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes, not too much." She studied him carefully and ventured fully into his office. "Are you okay?"

Harm nodded. "Of course."

She didn't believe him for a second, but decided not to press him at the moment. "If you say so."

"So, is everything okay with you?"

"Yes," she said with a smile, "but it will be much better if you will let me take you out to dinner for your birthday tomorrow night." He groaned and dropped his head down onto his forearms. She frowned, hurt pooling inside of her and stood. "Well, I guess I'll take that as a 'no'."

He heard the chair scratch the floor and knew she was standing to leave. "Mac, wait." He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I would love to go out to dinner with you for my birthday. I'm just not a fan of my birthday this year. I'm going to be forty. Forty! I hate that number more than I thought it was possible to hate something so trivial."

Mac gave him a sympathetic smile and leaned towards him. One hand on the edge of the desk accepted her weight, while her other brushed over his arm. "Age is just a number, Harm. Just a couple of harmless digits. What matters is what you make of the time you have." She looked him over and her sympathetic smile turned playful. "Besides, you don't exactly look 40. You don't act 40. You look and behave like a man much, much younger."

He glared at her. "I think there was an insult somewhere in there."

She laughed and straightened herself up. "Seriously, Harm, you're doing much better than a lot of men a lot younger than you."

He looked out in the bullpen and saw Bud and Harriet standing close together and whispering over something. He thought of the life they were building together; a good marriage, a bright and happy little boy and a new baby on the way. He thought of their nice home and then thought of the empty apartment he went home to every night. "Depends on how you look at it, I guess."

Mac shook her head and headed to his door. "Everything will be okay Harm. You never know. Forty may be your best year yet."

"One can hope." He offered her a slight smile before asking what time they were going out.

"I'll pick you up at 7:00. And wear something nice." She turned and left his office, shutting the door behind her, leaving him and his thoughts alone.

Sturgis watched as Harm stood in the middle of a gymnasium near JAG and tossed a basketball repeatedly at the hoop. It went in, and once it had rolled back to him and he repeated his actions. 'Mac was right,' he thought as he watched his friend, 'he does look down.'

"Buddy, that is the most pathetic I've ever seen you play." He easily stole the ball from his friend and attempted to make a basket. He missed and went after the ball. "What's going on, Harm?" He held the ball out to him and crossed his arms over his chest.

Harm shrugged and half heartedly accepted the ball. He took a shot and watched as it bounced off the rim and rolled over in the direction of the bleachers. "I'm going to be forty tomorrow."

Sturgis nodded. "I know. I've been forty for a couple of months now." He smiled at his friend. "It's not that bad, I promise."

He rolled his eyes and tossed the ball at the hoop. "It's not that bad for you because you have someone. You have the life you want. I'm forty years old and I'm not living the life I originally planned. I love being a lawyer, but I don't have the career I thought I would. I don't have a wife or children. Hell, I don't even have a girlfriend. My father was married and had a child when he was half the age I am now.

"Harm, it's not as if you haven't had options." He watched his old friend for a moment before adding, "Besides, you're not alone."

"I know. I have great friends, and I really do love my career. It just hit me last week that I'm about to be forty and my life is not what I thought it would be."

Sturgis suddenly felt that this conversation would go much better with liquor and tugged on Harm's arm. "Come on. We need drinks."

A short while later they ended up at McMurphy's and found seats at a booth near the back. They placed their orders and sat there in a comfortable silence while they waited on their drinks. Once a glass of bourbon was in front of Harm, beer in front of Sturgis and a platter of nachos for them to share, Harm began to talk.

"I guess it started when I got a postcard from Renee, my most recent ex." He stirred his drink, seemingly mesmerized by the amber liquid. "She's pregnant."

Sturgis' eyes widened and he nearly choked on a chip. "Are you regretting that things didn't work out with her?"

"What? No! Absolutely not." Harm said adamantly. "It just surprised me, is all." He took a long drink and then sighed. "Things then got even weirder, thanks to Mac."

It was a hefty internal battle for Sturgis not to roll his eyes. Where his two friends were concerned, everything was weird.

"She had some toys in her office for AJ." He continued. "Apparently she was at some toy store and they were having a big sale so she went ahead and bought him something for his birthday as well as Christmas. She was on the phone, so I guess she wasn't really listening to me and she commented that AJ would be five this year.

"He's turning four, isn't he?" Sturgis asked.

"Yeah, he'll be four on May 18th. But mentioning him turning five is more or less what started my inner turmoil. His fifth birthday is an important date for the two of us."

Sturgis was more than a little confused as to how the fifth birthday for Bud and Harriet's son could be an important date for his friends, but he also wasn't exactly sure he wanted to know. "How is his fifth birthday important for the two of you?"

"Because the day AJ was born, we stood on the steps of JAG and decided that if we were both single in five years that we would have a baby together."

The beer that Sturgis had just sipped spewed all over the table, barely missing Harm's drink and the platter of nachos. "I'm sorry. Did you just say that you and Mac made plans to have a baby together?"

"Yeah, why?"

Sturgis stared at him as if he had just suddenly declared that he was resigning his commission to become a short order cook at the diner they often went to. "Oh, no reason," he said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Harm, ever since I came here you have vehemently denied anything between the two of you besides friendship and yet you guys made plans to have a baby together. That is not something that most purely platonic friends do."

"Will and Grace did," Harm retorted.

"Okay, the fact that you know who Will & Grace are disturbs me."

"Renee used to watch the show all the time," he muttered.

"Fine. Whatever. It is not something that most purely platonic heterosexual friends do."

Harm glared at him and crossed his arms over his chest. "The point is that when Mac said that AJ would be five this year, everything I don't like about my life just sort of sucker punched me. And then to make matters worse, every woman I saw looked pregnant to me. Mac included."

"You do realize that men do not have biological clocks, don't you? There are a whole lot of seventy year old men out there with young children."

He glared at his friend again and this time pushed his drink aside. "Of course I do. I just… I don't know why I'm even discussing this with you. This is the kind of thing I would talk to Mac about. She is actually helpful when someone is having a problem."

"You cannot talk to Mac about this."

Harm studied him curiously. "And why shouldn't I talk to my best friend about this?"

'Because she wants to be more than your best friend,' he said to himself. He thought back to the conversation they had almost a year ago. It would be one thing if Harm went to Mac about how he wanted a family, if he wanted it with her. But if he just went to her to bitch and moan about how he was going to die as a boring lawyer instead of a pilot, alone and childless, well that would devastate her. He was sure if Harm wanted to move up the timeline to their arrangement that Mac would be more than willing, but he couldn't take that risk. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that this whole situation had the potential to be devastating to their fragile relationship. What if they had a child together, but remained too scared to admit their feelings? What would happen to their child then? Would he or she be doomed to a life of awkwardness between his or her parents? If they wanted to have a child together, why couldn't they just admit their feelings and have a kid the old fashioned way?

A few hours later Harm stumbled into his dark apartment and cursed as he stubbed his toe on an end table. He dropped his keys on the end table and managed the normally short walk to his bedroom without any further incident. He kicked off his shoes and collapsed fully dressed onto the bed. He lay there in silence for a bit until his watched beeped, signaling that it was now midnight. October 25.

"Happy birthday to me," he said out loud.

He lay still in the dark room for nearly an hour before deciding he could take no more of the dark room and the utter silence. Carefully, he crawled out of bed and made his way back to the living room. He switched on the TV and flipped through the channels, finally ending on a rerun of Frasier. Losing himself in the insanity of Dr. Frasier Crane helped him relax. At least until the first episode ended and the next one began. It was one he had seen before and he groaned into the pillow. The episode was about a younger acquaintance of Frasier's who died suddenly, despite being in excellent physical health and following a strict diet. Harm hated the fact that he was watching a comedy and identifying with the dead character, as well as the neurotic shrink. Here he was, in fantastic physical shape, he was a vegetarian, he was relatively young and healthy. And now he was probably going to die of a heart attack, unmarried and childless.

If he was being honest with himself, he didn't know when having a family of his own suddenly became so important to him. He had always wanted a family someday, but since being reminded of how quickly the deadline for his and Mac's arrangement was approaching, family had taken center stage on his mind. By the time the second episode of the show was over, he was finally feeling tired enough to attempt sleep.

Once back in his room he noticed the light on the face of his cell phone was blinking and he picked it up. It was a new text message from Mac. With a sigh, he pressed the proper button and read the message.

'Harm, I just wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday. I'll pick you up tomorrow 7.'

End Part One

Let me know what you think!