Dead and gone
Summary: They're all dead and gone, they've all left him alone to try and cope with the pain of their deaths. He can't. But this time, this year, is there hope for him?
Iruka sat fuming at the missions' desk. Kakashi's report was late again. By two weeks now, not the lazy jounin's usual two-days-with-the-scruffiest-handwriting-that-I-can-get-away-with that everyone had come to expect. It was unacceptable. When that man finally got here...Iruka would give him hell on earth. It was a job that Iruka was pretty good at doing, dealing it out to all that annoyed him, whether it was a little academy student or a full grown shinobi; most of the population of Konoha were terrified of the teacher when he was angry. And they should be. He had taught most of them after all. Speaking of his students, where had Naruto got to recently? He had told Iruka that he was going on a mission with Sakura, but it had finished a few days ago now. Or at least, Naruto had mentioned that it was meant to...
The chuunin's thoughts drifted off to the boy. He had grown so much since his lovable idiot days. Nowadays that baka was one of the most powerful shinobi in the village and the Godaime Hokage was happily waiting for her chance to pass the Kage hat on to someone else. Iruka smiled at the thought of Naruto fulfilling his life-long dream and becoming the Rokudaime Hokage. He'd rather have Naruto any day than the other candidate for the position, the perverted sensei of his... and again! Why did his thoughts keep leading back to Kakashi? If that man didn't give the report in soon, he would pay. Iruka was getting more and more aggravated by the second.
Just then a voice from the main desk caught the man's attention.
"Thank you Kakashi-san. Please bring the next report in on time though,"
"Hai, hai," replied a casual voice. "Gomenasai," the owner of the voice turned away from the desk. The tall, silver haired shinobi pulled out the orange book from his pocket (it had been missing from its normal position; in the man's hands) and walked off before the chuunin could say a word.
Quickly, Iruka leant forward and tapped the owner of the first voice on the shoulder. As they turned towards him with a senbon in their mouth (oh, it was Genma) he asked
"Genma-san? Please may I take a look at that report that you have there?" with a confused look, the jounin passed over the report. Iruka scanned it over quickly; temper returning in full force as he deciphered scrawling handwriting, numerous spelling mistakes and various marks that Iruka really hoped was mud and not any other... substance. Placing the report down gently on his desk (the opposite of what a lesser man in this situation would do) the seething chuunin walked over to the door and out of it, ignoring the questions of the others as he went. It was time that the jounin learnt what was suitable for mission reports and what wasn't.
Unaware of what was going on elsewhere in Konohagakure; a silver haired shinobi lay flat on his back, listless eyes trained on the blank ceiling above. He was doing well or so he told himself, Rin's anniversary had come and gone the week before and had stayed in control skipping over the fact that he had hidden away in the apartment for the week without any company, and so far today had passed uneventfully even though he had somehow dragged himself into the tower for that report. That report so like the one from then, no, different yes different, no-one had died this time, no casualty listed plainly in black and white... the name of Obito. Damn it. The distraction hadn't stayed a distraction, careless thoughts wandering back to him always ending up in the same place, by the caves, by the river, in the lounge, trees, too many to count, hospitals, the nasty things... caves. No. He had lasted this far, he could last a little bit longer. Eyes refocused and snapped shut, squeezing the muscles tightly as not a single drop of salty liquid fell, hidden as they had been for the past weeks, for the past months, as he wished they had been for the past years.
A hand reached out, blindly groping along pockmarked walls until they reached the contrastingly unblemished desk where the flowers lay, white like her grave, the lilies their favourites. Rin's and by default Obito's. The hand found them, caressing silk soft petals lightly, holding on tightly to scratchy stems, anything to ground the mind clutching at them, clutching at straws before the fall. The body attached to hand and mind sat up, hotwiring it through the window, jumping over rooftops and chimneys unseeingly, the journey of no consequence, only the destination. The destination waited patiently, as white blooms lay gently on the harsh stone, joined by new, fresh blooms on stone not twenty metres away. The body not a man for now, the mind gone away to a happy place where pain and guilt could not reach, where he laughed and frolicked with the others, gone forever in the harsh reality where the mind was forced to stay, smiled emptily at the sight of the first blossoms. They had been there waiting, just like Obito had, for the past week. The past week had been torture, as always, nothing could surpass it, Anbu interrogation had been nothing compared to that, thoughts of it enough to skim the surface of the happy place, the mind cried and screamed as it was dragged backwards, away from the illusion that he needed so badly, and the body trembled once as the mind rejoined it, made it whole.
Suddenly, shoulders relaxed, back straightened and hair flopped back as the man mind unwillingly in place prepared him for the presence coming. Wouldn't do to lose the composure in public, oh no, not after he had tried so hard to keep it there, to keep up the mask. That was why there was a physical mask; so much easier to fake happiness when you didn't have to smile. The only ones to see the smile were the ones that were gone, ones that could never come back. And Gai of course, who he could never keep away.
The angry voice that Kakashi had been bracing himself or rang out across the silence.
"Kakashi-san!" Sighing, he'd been waiting of course, he was late, and he turned around to face Iruka-sensei, who had called out to him.
"Maa, maa Iruka-sensei. What's got you all worked up?" he knew of course. The report, that Kakashi had handed in late necessity and dirty had to hide the marks, not tear stains, no, not ever.
"The report that you handed in," he knew that, couldn't he hurry up? "The report is a disgrace. You are a true baka if you think that you can get away with that without comment," Kakashi stiffened a tiny bit. Out of all the insults, Obito's was stolen? An eye closed as the other shinobi continued on ranting, the mind gone again but to worse memories this time but at least they were alive.
"Bakashi! I'm not late, am I?" Obito ran up, panting heavily to them, Rin, Minato-sensei and himself. Kakashi replied "Only by three hours Obito! A shinobi is never late," Minato-sensei laughed, and Rin giggled at them. "Now, now boys! No fighting on our first C-rank!" The blonde said, chuckling. Obito and Kakashi folded their arms and looked away from each other. Neither was sulking. Not at all.
Kakashi swallowed dryly, and realised that the other man had stopped talking. Iruka was looking at him expectantly, but the jounin had no clue what they were talking about. Damn it. Why did he interrupt him today?
"Hai, hai. I'll do it tomorrow," Do what tomorrow, Kakashi wasn't sure but he was certain that whatever it was could wait another day... wait. It was the report that Iruka had come about, and his reply, meant to be general, was hard to apply to his rant.
Oh well. Kakashi knew that he couldn't stay out here much longer; the flashback had brought him closer to tears in public as well than the copy nin was going to admit. With the lump in his throat grown yet bigger from the thought of it, Kakashi ignored the goodbye that he was going to give, and shun-shinned away. Leaving Iruka standing there, still waiting for a reply.
Iruka stood there stunned. Out of all the reactions that he was expecting (another infuriating response, anger) saying that he would re-do it and then disappearing was not one of them. Although... had the man been paying any attention?
Flashback
Iruka stormed out of the Hokage tower, using chakra sensing skills honed from years of finding dropouts to locate the famous shinobi. He was about a minute away, so the teacher wasted no time setting off towards him. Suddenly, the chakra started moving, and Iruka caught a glimpse of silver hair as Kakashi headed out the opposite way across the rooftops. The chuunin started to follow, but the Hatake was too fast to catch. Giving up on the chase, Iruka sped at a more leisurely pace to the man. He finally caught up in a graveyard, where the other stood staring (well, with his back turned that was what Iruka assumed he was doing) and called out to him.
"Kakashi-san?" he called out angrily.
"Maa, maa, Iruka-sensei. What's got you all worked up?"
"The report that you handed in. The report is a disgrace, like all of your others. You are a true baka if you think that you can get away with that without comment." As Iruka ranted, he couldn't help but take note of the other's body language. As he spoke, Kakashi stiffened, then relaxed and closed his eye. This only annoyed Iruka more; was the man not paying attention? How dare he ignore him! As the chuunin finished, he tapped his foot, waiting impatiently for his answer. When Kakashi replied and said that he would do it tomorrow, he stood there, frozen.
Iruka made his decision, and jumped off.
Kakashi stumbled through the window of his apartment and collapsed onto the bed. He was shaking hard, and memories of team 7 kept coming back to him. Obito, Rin, Minato-sensei. I'm so sorry, I failed you. As his breathing came faster and faster, the man finding himself gulping for air, a quiet Kuchiyose no jutsu called all eight of his dogs to him. Pakkun, who was closest, asked him
"Kakashi? Are you okay?" Kakashi would have laughed at the absurdity of the dog's statement, if he hadn't been so focused on trying to even out his breathing.
"N-no. I- I- Panic attack," he finally choked out. As the pug's eyes widened slightly, Kakashi drew deeper breaths, and ragged though they were, they helped, even when the lack of proper air made his head spin and withdraw into memories.
Obito, wheezing out his last words from under the rock. Stupid, stupid, stupid! It was him who was meant to die, him who hadn't seen it falling, but Obito had to push him out of the way. Tears threatened Kakashi's eyes (strange, when had the dobe come to mean anything to him) but he knew of the danger they were in, there like sitting ducks. The rocks started to fall down all around them and Kakashi grabbed Rin's hand before pulling them both out of harm's way. His last sight of Obito as the boy smiled weakly, and closed his eyes.
Rin's shocked face as she jumped in front of his enemies. His hand sticking out of her chest. Her voice as she used her last words to speak his name.
"Ka-ka-shi," her last words before she was silenced forever by his hand. His own doing.
Minato-sensei and his peaceful body, arms around Kushina as their new-born son wailed. They might have been asleep, but the newly promoted ANBU knew better. The blood pooling around them from the hole in their stomachs, and the seal, black on the pale skin of Naruto's stomach, which had cost Minato-sensei his life to create, bore quiet testimony to their deaths.
Kakashi choked on air as he spiralled back to reality. It was his fault... his fault that they were gone. I'm so sorry.
"Kakashi?" Pakkun asked worriedly. The one in question was leaning against the wall at the back of the bed, and was gulping in air like he was suffocated.
"Kakashi?" he tried again. "Are you alright?" Kakashi managed a laugh this time at the question.
"No, Pakkun," he choked out, but the blockage in his chest this time wasn't just from lack of air.. "I'm- I'm really not." The jounin finally leant over and hugged the dog tightly. Burying his face into the fur of the nin dog, he finally dissolved into tears. Worried, the other dogs crowded around the curled ball that was Kakashi and tried to warm him with their fur as the jounin sobbed brokenly into the pug's back. They all comforted him as the shaking and trembling grew instead of going away.
From outside in the hallway, Iruka stood frozen to the spot with guilt and pity. He hadn't meant for this, hadn't meant to make the jounin cry for god's sake, he just wanted the reports to be in on time... Screw this. Iruka wasn't going to wait for him outside, and leave Kakashi alone with his grief. Pushing open the door, he strode into the room and sat on the bed next to the silver-haired man. He turned away from Iruka, trying to pretend that the other hadn't caught at his most vulnerable moment, the shaking almost completely stopped. Kakashi was clearly not alright, if the heart-breaking sobs had anything to do with this.
Quietly, the chuunin reached out a hand and rubbed Kakashi's back. He froze, unused to any form of physical affection (other than Gai, but Gai was Gai). Tears recurred in full force as he rolled over and latched onto Iruka's arm tightly. Iruka gazed down, holding back tears of sorrow for the other as the jounin whimpered and tried to stop the flow of tears that he was shedding unwillingly. It wasn't working. The chuunin sighed, and resigned himself to trying to comfort him in the darkened room.
Kakashi lay on his bed, for once not watching an empty ceiling, where regrets ran amok crying protect Rin, whilst Rin's tortured eyes bore piercingly into his, all the while saying 'Ka-ka-shi'. No, the ceiling was left to bear the weight of the pain alone, as its companion wept bitter tears that wouldn't stop, always flowing like blood leaving stains on the bedclothes as a mask grew heavier and heavier with water that drenched it, drenched the one underneath, drenched all around it. The dogs, warm and comforting, lay in heaps on top of him as his best he had driven the human ones away friend Pakkun let him try to hide his tears in the thick, scraggly fur. He was all alone abandoned by the only ones he had ever let in, tou-san, sensei, Obito, Rin and the weight they had left him to bear was too much, crumbling day by day underneath the burden. Ragged breaths, in, out, in, out, in, head spinning, arms and body trembling, ears roaring, eyes closed. No. He was strong, stronger than this. He would stop. And then a warm, comforting hand rubbed his back. Froze. Muscles stopped. Heart beat smoothly, as always. Roll over. Hug arm. Cry.
He had tried, he really had but the damage had been done, all gone, no-one to save him from the dark but now there was light at the end of the tunnel. Light. And it was beautiful.
Ok, thank you minna! Happy Jenni. J
This is my second fanfic, but first Kakashi one and first proper one (the first was just a short crack fic that may be added to at some point). And I know, I know, I'm so mean to poor Kakashi but I don't think that he gets enough angst in the anime! Call me sadistic (and I know u do littlemisswriter 2001, although I may have brought it up first...) but I love angst/ hurt and comfort :-P
Edit: 19/1/15 I did always wonder why there weren't more stories of Kakashi crying on Obito's death day, but now that I wrote one, I can't go and read it without cringing- nor any of my stories because I know the storyline far too well to enjoy the story, and I can only pick out the bad bits!
I've decided that I might write a second chapter for this; either Kakashi's funeral or him comforting Naruto after Jiraiya's death- if anyone likes either idea (or has a third) please review/PM and let me know J