Who I Am: A Oneshot by IBelongInNarnia
Inspired by the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris"
** I recommend listening to the original first, and then listening to an instrumental while reading. Both can be found on youtube by searching "Iris Goo Goo Dolls" and "Iris Goo Goo Dolls Instrumental." **
And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life, 'cause sooner or later it's over. I just don't want to miss you tonight. And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you'd bleed just to know you've alive. And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand, when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.
His mind was restless and he was fighting every urge to send flames all around him, as if a raging forest fire would give him company. But anger wouldn't solve anything. His uncle often meditated, and it calmed his mind and sorted his thoughts. Zuko sat and pulled his legs in and closed his eyes, relaxing his shoulders and breathing deeply.
He tried to think of something his uncle might say, but then he remembered betraying his uncle which led to profound guilt, so he tried to think of the palace the way it was when it felt like home, but that led to more remorse. Then, in sheer desperation, he tried to think of his mother's voice for comfort. But he had finally forgotten it. Other than his uncle she was the only thing in life he was completely sure he truly loved, and he couldn't even remember her voice. It seemed like such a simple think to want. He just wanted her back. It didn't seem like such a cumbersome task compared to finding the Avatar or stopping a war. He just wanted her, Ursa, who was perfect, and wise, and good, and gone. Her sacrifice had given him life. Every breath he took in and let out was a result of her actions, and he was so sick of missing her.
Suddenly he imagined he was on a Fire Nation ship, all alone. His shame and anger slowly subsided and he became fixated with the waves. He stared down at them, watched them crash against the ship. But then they didn't really crash. They just seemed to grasp the ship for a brief moment before letting it go and carrying it away. Even if they wanted to stop the ship, the ship continued to move and the waves continued to carry it.
Zuko wondered if his mother liked ships. He couldn't remember. He thought she might look at the waves and make sense of why they seemed so eager to hold on but were so good at letting go.
Perhaps she could make him understand his burning desire to regain his honor. He rationalized his compulsion by thinking, honor is the only thing I have left. Without my honor, I'm nothing. In that moment he didn't doubt that; what he doubted was the means of getting his honor back. Not necessarily his crown, but his honor.
To take the Avatar, and perhaps kill him, to get the crown… he imagined having Avatar Aang in his hands, the boy weak and so young, his bright eyes finally dull and his smile finally faded. He imagined his father ordering him to kill the Avatar. Would he do it? Could he? In that instant, would his honor be just a flash of flames away? He could taste the victory, but it was stale. He could wear a crown again but it would feel far too heavy when it was added to the guilt in his head. And even if he did it, killed the Avatar, his father would never tell him about his mother.
Would he be able to let go of his father's wishes, to let go of the possibility of being the prince he thought he was meant to be? He had never felt more broken, or more tormented in his struggle between being good and being bad. Asking what would give him the most advantage no longer gave him an agreeable answer. Instead he had to ask, which is the right choice to make?
What would uncle say?
Quite suddenly a pang of frustration made him shudder as he realized his mother's voice had been with him all along. It was that quiet nagging in the back of his mind, telling him he was worthy of something and didn't need people to tell him whether or not he was honorable. Rather he would know if he was honorable. And it would bring him no joy, no satisfaction, if he carried through with his father's wishes. Rather he should learn from the sea. He should stop grabbing at the destiny he desires but let go if it, and let fate carry him to his true destiny.
His meditation shattered and he held his face in his hands as shudders of sobs ran through him. This was the struggle he had endured for years. He wanted to make his father happy and proud, but losing his mother sent him down the wrong path and he was doing everything wrong. He always knew, deep down, that he had been making mistakes but he drowned out the voice; sometimes he just wanted to fight and be angry so he could numb the pain and silence the doubt.
He couldn't do anything right. Or could he?
With a pitiful sniff and a deep breath, he closed his eyes again and didn't know what to expect. He didn't try to imagine anything but let his subconscious procure the images that might give him the answers he sought. And then, out of nowhere, he envisioned Aang was standing before him, his eyes warm and his manner welcoming, and without thinking he spoke the most honest words he could think of:
"I don't know how to face the world, Avatar. I can't even face myself. And no one can truly understand what I'm going through. We all make mistakes, but that's all I can seem to do. I just don't know what to do anymore. But I do know one thing: I don't want to kill you." As soon as the words left his lips his mind presented another image, this one more familiar and even more kind. Ursa. He waited for the tears to fall but they never came. It was as if, in that small moment, he had found her and had no more reason for sadness. He looked back to Aang and continued: "I could never truly regain my honor if I killed you and let my father kill anymore." The image of his mother was smiling and Aang's figure reached to put a hand on Zuko's shoulders. "I believe my destiny is pointing me down a different path."
Suddenly he opened his eyes and the images disappeared. He wiped any remaining tears away from his eyes and lingered a moment on his scar. He was broken in so many ways but if he knew if he had the chance to fix something, he'd take it. A chance he'd take now. He'd do everything in his power to help the Avatar and save the world from oppression. He'd help to bring peace to the nations. He'd find his mother.
He looked out at the far away ocean, just above the trees, and even though his eyes were open he could just barely visualize his mother in the clouds.
"I just want you to know who I am."