"I bare it so they don't have to."
Bellamy couldn't help but stare at her, dumbfounded. It wasn't quite disbelief, more an unwillingness to accept. His mind was racing,but it was like he couldn't quite grasp any single thought. He shook his head slightly, blinking a few times to clear his head, as if it was possible at a time like this. "Where will you go?" Maybe if he could just make her realize how stupid this idea was, how foolish and reckless she was being… Maybe she wouldn't leave.
Clarke smiled faintly, sadly, and shrugged. "I don't know," she said, and watched Bellamy's face as he seemed to try to hold her there with his eyes alone. Looking at him like this, she knew she wouldn't be able to keep her nerve for long. As tears stung her eyes she moved to hug him, granting herself the small pleasure of kissing his cheek before clutching him tightly. Disbelief held him still for all of a second or two before he hugged her back, clinging to her fiercely for the few moments she allowed it. "May we meet again," she all but sobbed, barely managing to choke back tears as she let him go to look at his face one last time before taking her first steps away.
Bellamy granted himself a single glance back at her as she made her way away from camp, and it was all he could do to tear his gaze away as he mumbled to himself, "May we meet again." He knew then and there that, somehow, someway, he would make sure he saw her again.
The walk back into the camp was the worst. There were people who couldn't look him in the eye, and then there were people who tried to hug him, to give him a high five, to thank him for saving them. In his mind he knew he identified more with the people who couldn't bare to look at him. He could feel the weight of all the lives he was forced to take back in Mount Weather deep in his heart, and he knew he'd never be able to get rid of that guilt. He knew he hadn't been given a choice, he had to make the call to save his people, he just wished there had been a better way, and he couldn't help but feel that a better man would have been able to find that way.
He had told Clarke that they deserved a drink. Right now Bellamy didn't think he deserved it so much as he needed it. He needed something to take the edge off his thoughts, something to dull the pain, and Monty's moonshine seemed like the best bet.
It had been maybe an hour or so, and he had already finished four drinks by the time one of the guards, he couldn't recall his name, came to find him. "Dr. Griffin is looking for you. She says she wants to talk to you, but she isn't allowed to move from medical," the guards voice was soft, but gruff. Bellamy could tell he knew what happened, whether he had been in the mountain, or just heard the stories already, and he was trying to be careful with him right now. Bellamy nodded, knocking back the last of his fifth moonshine before clambering to his feet and half staggering to the medical bay.
Bellamy was barely in the makeshift door before he hears Abby. "Bellamy, what's going on? People are saying Clarke is gone. That she never came back into camp. Where is my daughter?" For as much hell as Dr. Abby Griffin has been through, her voice sounds stronger than he would have thought it'd be. He finally looks up at her and sees her laying in a cot, presumably for her injuries, with Jackson standing close at hand. For the life of him he couldn't say what kind of look his face held, but it took all of a few seconds for Abby to realize something wasn't right. She tried to sit up, but Jackson was there to gently hold her back, telling her she needed to rest, that her body wasn't ready to deal with more stress. "Bellamy, where the hell is Clarke?"
At that he had to look away. He could already hear the tears in her voice that he himself refused to shed. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself before he told her, "Clarke left. She couldn't come back. Said she couldn't face it, what we had to do. She left us." No matter how hard he tried to keep himself in check, he could still hear his voice shaking as he spoke. Emotions battling inside him, each trying to take precedent.
Abby made a noise, something between a choke, sob, and a gasp. "How could you just let her leave?! Why didn't you make her come home?" She barely even paused before turning to Jackson and all but yelling at him, "Go get Kane. Tell him I need him. He needs to send a search party out now. Now damn it! We need to find Clarke before something happens to her!"
Jackson looked pained and tried calming her down, trying to keep her in her bed. "Abby I -" but he was cut off by Kane entering the room"
"Abby, I'm sorry. I should have come to you sooner, but there is a lot to be done now. Monty already came to tell me about Clarke, he gave his advice, and I'm inclined to take it. Clarke left because she needs to work through some things on her own. She's strong willed and stubborn, just like her mother, and I'm sure that no one would have been able to stop her, so berating Bellamy is hardly a proper thing to do. She needs time, and she wants to do that alone. I think we should give it to her." He tried to keep his voice stern, but it held the sadness of the events he had endured, and an exhaustion that had only begun to set in.
The room was still for a moment, but only for a moment. Abby seemed to have found her voice and started yelling, demanding that Clarke be found. She tried moving from her cot, she got angry and started crying, flinging insults at anyone and everyone, and in the end, Kane had to have Jackson sedate her.
Kane turned to look at Bellamy, and his gaze held sorrow, regret, guilt and understanding all at once. "You did what you had to. We tried to make peace. We tried to offer a way for everyone to live and be happy, but they wouldn't have it. You, Clarke, Monty… You all did something, but they made the choice themselves when they refused to see reason. I don't blame Clarke for needing time alone. I don't blame any of you for what you were forced to do." It looked as if there was more he wanted to say, but he took one look at the tears that were only beginning to flow from Bellamy's eyes and shut his mouth. He stepped forward to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder before sighing and walking out.
The moonshine must have been taking full effect, because before he really knew what he was doing, Bellamy was walking to the further corner of camp. He needed to get away from everyone, he needed to think, but he knew he couldn't leave.
He sat on the ground and rested his head in his hands before he let his emotions wash over him. He was ashamed he had let her go. He was angry that she felt she needed to leave. He was pissed that she could be selfish enough to leave them all here to deal with it alone. And he was hurt. Not in a physical sense, not really anyway. But his heart ached in a way that he could almost really feel. Clarke hadn't pulled that lever alone. He was part of it too. He was hurt that she thought she needed to shoulder all the blame. He was hurt that she could just walk away from it all, whatever her reasoning was. But most of all, and what was almost shocking to him, was that he was hurt that she could just walk away from him.
He never realized just how much she meant to him. Sure, in the beginning, Clarke had been a major pain in his ass. She always opposed him, thought she knew better than him. But ultimately, Clarke was the balance to him. Together they were able to get their people where they were today. They disagreed a lot, fought even, but when it counted, they were always there for each other. He had come to depend on her, to care for her. To love her in a way that he had never even questioned his motives and feelings when she needed him to do something. He loved her.
He sat there for a long time. Night had fallen by the time he finally moved to join the others in the barracks. In the time he sat, he came to a few conclusions, though. He accepted that he loved her, and realized he was foolish for not realizing it sooner. He accepted that she needed time, even time alone, so she could come to terms with all the things she had been forced to do to keep her people alive.
And he made himself a promise. He'd give Clarke her time. He'd let her be alone to find herself. But one day, and one day soon, he'd find her. He'd find her, and he'd bring her back. Because he realized now that he needed her, that everyone in the camp, regardless of their feelings, needed her.
**Ok guys, so this is just chapter one right now. This is the first fanfic I have ever written, so I would extremely appreciate any kind of feedback you might have for me. Whether it's good or bad, I need to hear it. If you actually like it, I'll make sure to have the next chapter out as soon as possible :)