Hyper didn't expect much beyond waking up alone in her queen-sized bed, her covers wrinkled beyond belief after a night of being pulled every which way. This was probably the first time she smelt smoke and gunpowder in the vacant space next to her, though.
Well, on the bright side, someone had finally made love to her! That hadn't happened in years, not since she was a pathetic twenty-something thinking her thirty-year-old boyfriend was going to marry her someday even after he threatened to trash her favorite Spider-Man doll.
And then there was when she had Critic kidnapped, but did that really count? She didn't actually get anywhere, just feeling him up a lot while Benny held him at gunpoint, and never got to go very far before something distracted her or she tired quickly. She'd wanted to focus more on cramming in the romantic aspect rather than the sexual aspect, because she had still been so sure that they were a dream couple.
Luckily he wasn't the apple of her eye anymore, at least not at the moment. It was this Devil Boner guy- this leather-bound, gun-toting, smoky-eyed warrior that she didn't expect to come into her life right now. She'd been coasting along, projecting onto amazing but unattainable guys like Tom Hardy, and then while chasing down Critic (just for fun this time!) she finds him taking the piss out of the whiny meninists who'd insulted her and her friends.
She'd flirted a bit because hey, if he was calling out sexism like that, how bad could he possibly be?
And the weirdest thing happened. He flirted back. He even offered her power.
Two and a half hours later, Hyper'd completely forgotten about her fellow Tom Hardy fangirls (did she leave them in the desert?) and was back at her place with this mysterious man, fucking him harder than Josh Trank fucked up the Fant4stic reboot. She didn't even take the time to turn her old stuffed animals around so she wouldn't feel watched.
It freaked her out a little, since she hadn't hit a home run like this in so long that it almost hurt, but he seemed to get that, as wild and loud as he was. He wanted to make her happy. He called her gorgeous. He was listening to what she wanted, because he actually thought she was important. Once they had finished, he let her grab him closer and cuddle for the rest of the night.
Hyper was sure she was going to fall in love again with this guy. But he wasn't here.
Surely he was another one of those boys who would butter her up and tell her she was great only so they could sleep with her, then leave her without a trace and with no way to contact them. Because she wasn't worth it, right? She wasn't worth a second night, right? She wasn't gorgeous or important, she was just some stupid little whore that any guy could convince into bed if they just gave her a single shred of attention...
Then Hyper heard something outside her window. Gunshots?
Scrambling to put on her glasses and grabbing her shirt to cover her chest, she glanced outside. Sure enough, in her backyard was her lover, shooting at something over the pond by her house.
Oh my god, he stayed.
She didn't bother with freshening up before throwing her clothes on and going out there- it rarely concerned her, and she wanted to keep his scent on her as long as she could. She just wanted to see him again.
"Yeah, you better get out of here!" Devil Boner was on the dock shouting at his target, firing off a few more shots. Hyper held back until he'd finished off the last round, then quickly tugged on his jacket.
He turned around with a smile and nod. "Oh, hey, you're up."
"Yeah..." She stared at her feet, trying to figure out how not to come across like a complete weirdo. "So what exactly were you shooting at?"
He triumphantly raised his machine gun and replied, "I usually go out every morning and at least shoot off blanks, y'know, to wake me up a bit. But I saw this flock of geese over by the pond over there, and they were so goddamn loud, and I think I saw them going after your cat." Hyper gasped and wondered if Elsa was hurt, but Devil Boner immediately reassured her, "Don't worry, it ran off somewhere once it heard the warning shots," and she took a sigh of relief as he continued: "Anyway, I shot one or two down and scared the rest of those bastards off." His prideful smile switched to a more concerned expression as he asked her, "I didn't startle you, did I? 'Cause I'm used to doing this by myself, I didn't realize you'd still be sleeping..."
"No, no, it's fine. I've been threatened with a machine gun before, I don't mind the sound much at all." A split second later Hyper realized that's probably an awful thing to tell someone you've only known for one night.
Yet it seemed to have the opposite effect she'd expected- he looked very pleasantly surprised. "Oh, wow. You're way more badass than I ever would have expected."
She started giggling in a way no true badass ever would. "Wow, thanks. And thanks for protecting my pond and my cat."
"Oh, it's nothing. I live for this stuff."
"You're really good at this stuff." Maybe she sounded like an idiot, but being around him made her feel more comfortable- the same feeling she got when she was at cons and surrounded by other obsessive geeks, and she wasn't the outcast for once. Devil Boner didn't seem to find anything she was doing creepy.
Of course eventually she was going to scare him off somehow, and then she'd just move onto another guy, but so long as she had him she may as well try to keep him.
They sat down on the dock, Devil Boner starting to simmer down after that experience. Testing to see how much she could get away with, Hyper put her arm around his back and leaned into him. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. She could hear his quick breathing, and soon heard his stomach gurgle a little too. Before she could ask herself, he asked her, "You wanna get breakfast?"
Hyper nodded. "Um, sure." She had no idea how to cook anything on a stove, growing up on poorly-microwaved soup and hot dogs most of her life, so she needed to propose an alternative so she wouldn't look useless. "I think there's a Denny's nearby, if you like that."
"Fine by me," Devil Boner responded with a grin. "It's better we go out anyway. Every time I try to work with the stove, I end up blowing something up." He shrugged and added, "To be honest, anytime I try to work with anything, I end up blowing something up."
Hyper smiled at her freaky date, grabbed his hand and they rushed to Devil Boner's truck out front.
Once they arrived at the Denny's parking lot, and Hyper looked down at the regular-sized cars from her date's huge monster truck, it occurred to her what a weird couple they must look like to the general public. But none of that mattered when they jumped out and Devil Boner led her inside the diner by the hand.
The receptionist's smile, presumably fixed to give every customer a warm feeling the minute they entered, started noticeably faltering when she looked into his heavily made-up eyes.
"Table for two, please," he requested, gruffly as usual but still reasonably polite. "Under..." He turned to Hyper. "I think we might be given better service if we give her your name."
"Um, Hyper Fangirl," Hyper sheepishly reminded him.
"Is that seriously your real name?"
"I honestly don't remember." She really didn't. That wasn't her main identity at this point.
"Well, alright." Devil Boner turned back to the receptionist. "Under Hyper."
After a few calculations, the receptionist, shrinking down and anticipating the worst, replied, "Um, your wait time is an hour..."
"An hour?!" Devil Boner yelled. "Are there seriously that many people still eating in here that there aren't even two damn seats available?"
Worried about him making a hasty move and possibly being arrested, which would separate them even earlier than she expected, Hyper squeezed Devil Boner's hand and assured him, "Babe, it's fine." (Crap, was calling him "babe" okay yet?)
Devil Boner looked at her, then at the suburban families sitting throughout the restaurant who were probably pissing themselves to see and hear him, took a breath and told the receptionist, "Alright, ma'am. Sorry for the outburst."
The receptionist stood back up straight. "It's nothing, I've had worse reactions to long wait times," she replied.
"We can just hang out until there's a table ready." Hyper walked away from the receptionist's desk with Devil Boner.
Devil Boner took her hand back and smiled at her. "So long as I get to spend time with a chick as awesome as you."
"What! Really?" She still couldn't believe any guy was saying this to her.
"Yeah! You're the kind of person who just...takes what she wants. You're bold."
He didn't know about the kidnapping yet. "You have no idea."
Hyper scanned the room for a potential subject change, and noticed the perfect one in the corner of the restaurant. She turned to Devil Boner and coyly asked, "You know what I want now?"
"Is it something we should go back to the truck for?"
Hyper shook her head and led him to the candy-colored skill crane machine. Once he noticed what it was, he gave a subtle eye-roll, putting Hyper on edge. "I mean, if you think it's stupid, I don't need it," she clarified, "but I don't know, it just... reminded me of when I was little..." Her voice trailed off as she stared at the ground again, worried he would lose the image of her as a bold badass.
Devil Boner reached into one of the several pockets on his jacket and pulled out two quarters. "Which toy do you want?"
Hyper lifted her head. "You don't have to do that."
"No, no, it's the least I can do after you brought me into your house and all. Look in there and pick a toy, and I'll get it for you."
Pressing against the glass of the machine, Hyper sought out a potential victim of the claw. One toy, perfectly suited for her interests, caught her eye, and she pointed it out to Devil Boner. "That one, in the back corner on the left."
Devil Boner squinted as he laid eyes on the item in question. "The moose thing?"
"He's a reindeer, his name is Sven, he's adorable and Kristoff loves him so much!" Hyper snapped, then covered her mouth before she went off on an obsessive tangent about Frozen, something not even many the other people in her fandom circles could stand anymore.
Oh, I think I recognize him," he said a little dismissively. "I know it sounds crazy, but I've never actually seen that movie. Let's just say I don't mesh well with princesses."
"Sorry, I know it's girly and overrated..." she started, but he patted her shoulder to curb her anxiety before it started.
"No problem, I'm still going after him." Devil Boner inserted both coins into the machine, and began maneuvering the joystick with hawk-like concentration. Yet every time he slammed his finger on the button, Sven would just barely escape the claw's grasp. "This thing is rigged! I totally had it this time!" he shouted. Hyper expected him to give up, but he kept trying and swearing at every failure.
Eventually he ran out of coins and patience. "Alright, you motherfucker with antlers," Devil Boner said while taking out his huge gun, "you're coming home with Hyper Fangirl whether you like it or not!"
To the shock of everyone in the vicinity, Devil Boner shot the glass walls around the machine enough to break it open for Hyper to excitedly grab the toy reindeer. Cuddling it to her face, she looked up at her date and said, "I can't believe you actually did that."
"I made you a promise," he said, "and I'm not letting some bullshit robot convince me that you can't get the plushie you wanted."
The receptionist approached them, with Hyper nervous they were going to be called out for shooting an expensive game, but the receptionist just said, "Well, it seems two people just packed up their food and paid early, so we have a table for two available earlier than expected." She held out two menus. "Please take it and I'm sorry you had to wait this long."
Devil Boner flashed his slasher smile and took the menus for both of them, walking away before the receptionist saw the broken machine and went pale.
They snagged a booth and sat side by side, allowing Hyper to lean into Devil Boner, cuddling both him and her new Sven toy.
"I think you've done more for me in the past two hours than anyone has done for me in the past two years," she half-joked.
"What can I say? You deserve it." He kissed her forehead and she swore she was going to melt right there. He began perusing the menu with her reading over his shoulder. "Got any idea of what you're in the mood for?"
Making out with you, she almost said before honestly answering, "Do they still have Red, White and Blue Pancakes? I'd like to know if they really taste like America."
"Doesn't look like it."
"I guess I'll just go for a regular Grand Slam, then."
A few minutes later, the waiter came. "Hello, welcome to Denny's, my name is Mike, please don't kill me."
He took their order- Hyper got her Grand Slam and Devil Boner a double cheeseburger cooked rare. "I need that protein. I'm building muscle!" he said in defense, to which Hyper flirtatiously massaged his arm saying, "I think you're doing well on that front."
Mike didn't dare have them wait too long, having their food and drinks at the table in twenty minutes, but in the meantime they got to talk more: gushing over Mad Max, making fun of the meninists he'd ripped apart, and praising each others' skill in the bedroom. Hyper spent most of the conversation avoiding the topic of Critic, and when Devil Boner inevitably asked if she'd known him, she dismissed him as "an old friend" and changed the topic immediately.
But once they got their food, she let the cat out of the bag.
"I didn't expect you to have so much cool shit!" Devil Boner commended her between messy bites of burger. "I've been looking for that The Mask comic for ages! And that Wrestlemania 2000 game! We gotta play that again sometime."
Blushing too hard at the implication of another date to censor herself, Hyper humbly replied, "Well, to be honest, I don't like all that stuff. Maybe like half of it I do, but I just bought the rest so I could keep Critic."
Incredibly awkward pause. "What do you mean 'keep Critic'?" Devil Boner asked.
Hyper's heart started to speed up. "Um, nothing. Nothing, let's keep eating. What was that about playing that game again?"
"Wait, you really got me curious here. You said he was just an old friend. How did you 'keep' him? Is he your ex?" His face tensed up. "Did he do something to you? If he did, I'll hunt him down again, I swear!"
"It's complicated, okay?" She started rambling as the memories started flooding back. "It ended kind of badly and I kind of shot through the ceiling because he didn't update his PS3, and we kind of made up because we watched Christmas Story 2 but then he didn't call afterwards and I had to stalk him at the Midwest Media Expo and I got over him but still..."
"Oh my God, babe, slow down!" At least he confirmed it was okay to call each other "babe" after all. "Can you please just explain to me what you and this guy did?"
Hyper let it all slip: the Spider-Man review, the regular breaking and entering, holding Critic at gunpoint for two weeks to date her, the months she spent floating through the air and recuperating in the hospital, the sort-of reconciliation, and running into him again during their car chase.
Devil Boner was left wide-eyed with his mouth agape. He nearly let the chewed-up hamburger fall out of his mouth.
Hyper put her head on the table and buried her face in her scarf. "I know, I'm a mess," she whined. "I'm a creepy freak and you're gonna dump me now, aren't you?"
He clutched her chin and raised her head to look at him. He was grinning like a maniac. "That's the most fucked-up thing that anyone I've dated has ever done."
Hyper went back into her scarf.
"And the hottest thing I've ever heard."
She lifted her head back up.
"You have to tell me how you pulled all that off! How did you get into the studio without anybody kicking you out? Did you have to fight anybody off to get in there? How did you take him from his house? What were you going to do to him if he tried to leave? How often did you torture him? Which toe did you cut off?" He was almost bouncing up and down in elation.
Hyper raised her head and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "Well, there's a lot to the process. It's cool how well you're taking this news, though. Most guys I tried to talk with after this kind of ran away threatening to call the police if I followed them."
He took a big swig of Coca Cola. "Dude, I've kidnapped Critic before, remember? The bastard had the nerve to say that Fury Road wasn't awesome, so I bound his ass and stuck him in a cave. But he escaped way sooner than he did under you!"
Thinking about her new lover tying up her old lust object made her flutter a lot inside. "You said you had a mask over his face too, right?" she asked, licking the maple syrup off her lips.
"Yeah, wasn't enough to shut him up though."
She leaned in closer to him. "I tried using a ballgag on him at one point, and he was surprisingly good with it."
Devil Boner smirked at her. "Well, if he ever shit-talks another great movie, I'll keep that in mind." He was using his hot voice, his "I'm whatever you want me to be" voice.
She couldn't wait any longer and practically lept into Devil Boner's lap, pressing her mouth to his and sticking her tongue down his throat. No more needing to be subtle; if he was going to treat her biggest baggage as something actually attractive, she was going to take advantage of every second she had him in front of her.
Of course he loved it, and kissed her right back, both of them audibly enjoying each others' taste. He hugged her tighter and ruffled her already messy hair, and she tugged at his shirt, desperately wishing they could undress right then and there. Hyper could see over his shoulders the very disgusted look of two old women at tha table next to them, but she didn't care at all. He was all hers and he loved being hers.
They kept going until Mike came with the check and a stern woman next to him. "Excuse me." The woman tapped them on the shoulders, with Hyper emerging only vaguely embarrassed and Devil Boner looking ready to punch her for interrupting them. "I'm the manager, and we've gotten several complaints from other patrons and staff about your behavior in this restaurant." She read off a list. "Unruly and disruptive behavior, bringing weaponry into the establishment, destruction of Denny's property, and now complaints about excessive public display of affection."
"What are you, jealous that she's getting some and you're not?" Devil Boner snarked at the manager.
The manager looked appalled. "Sir, if you continue to harass everybody here, I'll have to call the police."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Hyper wasn't letting anyone do anything to her tasty new sweetheart. "We don't need to involve the police, do we?"
"Don't try to sweet talk me, honey. There's way too much physical and emotional damage to overlook." The manager waved Hyper off, making Devil Boner even angrier that they'd treat his girl so rudely.
Hyper's mind raced about how to get out of this situation, and then she remembered: she was rich.
"Listen," Hyper whispered to the manager, taking out her checkbook. "Our meal is what, forty bucks? How about a really nice tip? Say..." She scribbled on the check then ripped it out. "Five thousand? Should more than cover the cost of the skill game, and we don't need to get the police involved, mmkay?"
She held her bribe to the manager, who glanced around before snatching it up. "Have a nice day," she bluntly told the couple, with Mike looking appalled at her terrible enforcement of the law.
Devil Boner smiled in relief, and to everyone else's relief, they exited the restaurant.
Devil Boner drove her home, probably breaking every road law, but who cared when your date was rich beyond belief? "Where did you even get that money?" he asked her.
Knowing it wasn't anything that would turn away a guy like him, she casually responded, "I stalked Joe Dante and blackmailed him into giving me his house and yearly pay."
He looked thrilled again. "You're full of surprises, aren't you?" He playfully hit her arm. "You little time bomb."
"Ooh, I like that," Hyper flirted.
"Yeah? I'll keep calling ya that, then."
"I like you calling me anything, really."
"Then maybe I'll just keep calling you," Devil Boner said as he parked the car. Once they were both out, he handed her his cell phone. "Punch in your number. I'll give you mine. We gotta keep in touch. I just need to know more of your kidnapping techniques."
Hyper grinned wider than she had in months as she typed in her cell number, and then let him type in his. Once they were both in, he leaned down and lifted her up for another passionate kiss.
"So," Hyper coyly said, "you wanna go inside, see the rest of what I got to keep Critic quiet?"
He shook his head dejectedly. "Maybe tomorrow. I've got a brawl scheduled in an hour."
"With whom?"
"The next guy to come close enough to piss me off." They laughed together for a bit, and he continued: "Really, I just like to go looking for shit that makes me feel like a man, and you?" He patted her shoulder again. "You definitely do. Even when you ask me to get you a toy deer from a Disney flick."
She smiled, eating up the compliments. "Thank you. And you just make me feel happy to be alive."
"Good, you should."
They kissed one more time before Devil Boner hopped back into his truck and drove off with a battle cry. Hyper looked at her phone, setting the name of the new contact to three heart emojis and one gun emoji.
Yeah. It was safe to say she was in love this time.