Let Down

by MaryRussellgrl

Grissom will not commit, and Sara gets hurt over and over. Love could be in their future, but sometimes it's not meant to be. (Warning: deals with a miscarriage)

Russell pulled me back as I tried to attack the man in his home after he claimed to have no idea how his wives blood got all over the couch in his living room. I reached out my arm wanting to grab him as Russell kept pulling me away.

"She attacked me!" He yelled, as Brass tried to calm him down.

"I'll do more than that when I get my hands on you!" I yelled, being thrown out the front door. Russell let me go watching as I ran up trying to get past him.

"No!" He shouted, pulling me to the street. "Calm down!"

"Did you hear him lie?" I shouted

"Sara, you need to calm down." He said

I paced looking at the house.

"I want to punch him!" I said

Russell pulled me to him putting his hands on my arms.

"Calm down."

I took a deep breath feeling my shaking lesson.

"Nothing is going to be solved from violence. We will look at the evidence and see what it shows."

I looked at him feeling as if I needed more. He rubbed my arms as Brass walked over.

"I want to talk to you!" He said, pulling me away. "Haven't you learned to not attack suspects?"

"I'm sorry." I said

"Sara, you need to control your temper."

"I know." I said, looking down.

"He wants to press charges."

"I figured."

Brass sighed looking at me. I looked at him as he came closer touching my cheeks with his hands.

"Honey, there is a place for this anger. You need to let it go."

I reached up touching his hand.

"I'll try."

He nodded pulling me into his arms. I closed my eyes enjoying the hug.

"I need to go talk Mr. Williams out of pressing charges." He said

I let him go as he sighed walking past.

"Dad?" I said, watching him turn around.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He winked at me smiling then he walked away.

Russell and I went back to the lab where Grissom was standing getting his mail at the front desk.

"Hello Gil." Russell said

"Hello, how are things?" Grissom asked, glancing at me before looking at Russell.

"Good."

I swallowed nervously as Grissom looked back at me.

"Glad to hear it." He said

"We should turn in the evidence." I said, wanting to leave.

"Your right. See you later." Russell said

"Yes, and I will see you later, Sara."

I stopped glancing back at Grissom as he lowered his head a little giving me a look. I started to walk again scared.

I avoided Grissom all shift, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have to see him. I walked out of the building looking around not seeing him at the end of the shift. My car was at the end. I walked to it hearing voices behind me. I got my keys out when I heard footsteps coming behind me. I froze on the curb hearing them stop. Slowly, I turned seeing him standing staring at me.

"You've been avoiding me." He said, walking over.

"Have I?" I asked, turning to face him.

"Yes, and I suspect you did it on purpose."

"That doesn't sound like me." I said, trembling.

He nodded silently.

"Um…so…" I said

"Yes?"

"What do you want to talk to me about?"

"I think you know already."

"No."

"We can talk tomorrow before shift."

I groaned as he walked away. I went home miserable thinking about this meeting with Grissom. I came in early walking to his office hesitating as I knocked. I heard nothing feeling relief knowing he wasn't in.

"Sara?" Grissom called

I jumped turning seeing him walking over in a dark suit. I looked him up and down struck by how handsome he was. He looked at me a moment. I moved so he could open his door and allow me inside. He shut it behind him then motioned me to sit down. I sat down slowly in a chair infront of his desk watching him move around before sitting behind his desk looking at me.

"I got a call from Brass about your behavior at the crime scene."

I looked down.

"You know what I am going to say."

"Yes."

"What I want to know is why you are so angry?"

"I don't know." I said

"Yes, you do."

I looked at him.

"If you do this again I am putting you on suspension."

"Okay."

"As of now you are off the case."

I let my mouth drop.

"You will help the others in the lab for a week."

"What?"

"You heard me." He said

I stood still in shock.

"Grissom, I can't vegetate in here! I need to be out there on cases!"

"No."

I felt tears start to form as he just sat there staring at me.

"Do you want to know why I am angry?" I shouted "I am angry because I love you!"

As soon as I said that I wish I hadn't. He looked at me in shock just as he had when I asked him to go out of me a couple years ago.

"I am angry because you just walk past me in the hallway and never acknowledge me!" I said, wiping my tears off my cheeks. "I have done everything I can think of to get you to notice and all you do is look at other women! I am nothing to you! That's all I will ever be to you!"

He just looked at me as I started to cry. I quickly opened the door leaving running down the hallway to the side door outside. I collapsed on the hot pavement crying. I was mortified that I said all that to him. My life was just a mess. I held myself shaking as I looked around. My whole body hurt.

My phone started to ring, but I ignore it as I cried more. My hand shook as I upholstered my gun looking at it. Brass opened the side door seeing me sitting at the end of the building holding my gun in my lap. He put his cell phone away walking over slowly.

"Hey." He said

"Hey." I said, sadly.

"I knew this is where you like to go when your upset." He said, looking at the gun then at me.

"I suppose Grissom told you." I said, wiping my eyes.

"He just told me you were upset. I thought you'd want to talk to me."

I sniffed wiping tears away.

"I messed up."

He knelt down beside me taking a seat. I felt his hand come over my gun and I looked down.

"Honey, this is not the answer." He said "Let me have it."

"Why?" I asked, looking at him. "I want to hold it."

"It's making me nervous." He said

"I'm fine." I said

"Just let me have it."

I slowly let him take it.

"Thank you." He said

I laid my head against his shoulder as he took my hand. He looked around then he looked at me.

"We can fix this."

"No, we can't." I said "I blew up at Grissom."

"He's worried about you, that's all."

"I just wish I could hide."

"That's not the answer. Why don't we go inside and get a snack?"

I lifted my head looking at him.

"You go on. I just want to sit here."

"I am not leaving you."

"I'm fine."

"I am taking your gun with me. You can get it later." He said, standing taking my gun.

I nodded watching him open the door looking at me concerned then he went in. He walked down the hallway seeing Grissom and Russell talking by the water fountain.

"How is she?" Grissom asked

"I think she'll be fine. I took her gun." Brass said, holding out my gun. "She's just a little down right now."

Grissom flexed his jaw looking at his friend. I walked around later still feeling low. I got my gun back from Brass then helped Nick on his case. After work I was in the locker room slowly getting things out of my locker. Grissom came in opening his glancing at me. I avoided him feeling my pulse rise. He closed his locker leaning against it just staring at me. I closed my door walking carefully towards the door. He cleared his throat making me stop.

He moved to stand infront of me. I looked down as he sighed putting his hand onto my chin making me lift my head to look at him. I looked at him shaking. His hand that touched my chin moved to my neck and then down my arm.

"Grissom, you don't have to…do this." I said

He put his arm around me leaning in kissing me. I kissed him back unable to resist. He had very soft lips. I moaned as he pulled me even closer. My arms went around his neck. We were lost in each other. He moved back breathing out against my face as I kept my eyes closed laying my head against his.

"Sara?" He said, gently.

"Hmm?"

He lifted his head and I opened my dazed eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I wanted to, but you never seemed to notice."

He sighed looking down then back at me. His hands touched my cheeks. I moved forwards catching his lips again.

After a short make out session in the locker room he drove me to his home. We ate a dinner he made then he led me to his bedroom where we slept curled up against each other. I woke with a start looking around seeing that I was not in my bedroom. I could hear talking in the next room. I stood walking to the bathroom then out to the living room seeing a dressed Grissom hanging up his phone looking at me.

"I was just about to wake you." He said

"Sorry, I guess I was tired." I said

He came closer thinking.

"I can drive you home then take you to work."

"Okay."

He nodded walking away. I felt the wall back up between us. He opened the front door for me and I stopped looking at him. He searched my eyes watching as I moved closer to kiss him.

"Sara, we need to go."

I felt the hurt inside grow larger as I looked at him a moment before going out. Once inside the car I decided to bring up what happened.

"Grissom?"

"Hmm?" He said, as he looked at the road.

"Um, why are you acting distant again?"

He looked at me a moment then back at the road.

"Sara, I thought about this situation throughout the night and I realized that I was not being realistic. I can't be who you want me to be. I am sorry."

The knife that he plunged into my chest went deeper. I looked at him then I looked out the passenger side window. He wanted to talk to me more once we arrived at the lab, but I pushed past him to go into the building.

For days, I refused to eat, sleep. Not caring what happened to me. I went to see Brass in his office a week later. He watched me open his door looking pale and exhausted. I handed him a paper without a word. He put down the paper on his desk walking over to me.

"Sara, look at you!" He said

As he said that I burst out crying. He pulled me to him feeling my rib bones sticking out.

"Honey, I can feel the bones sticking out!"

I moved back wiping my tears from my cheeks.

"Let me get you something to eat."

"No."

"Sara!"

"No!"

He stood back looking at me. I looked at him then I walked out quickly. I walked into the breakroom at break seeing Russell setting out some take out on the large circular table near the counter. He stopped seeing me looking at him from the door.

"Hey, I thought we could have a picnic."

"Did dad call you?" I asked, walking in slowly.

"Ah, I am not supposed to say." He said

I shook my head looking at everything on the table.

"I have Chinese here." He said

"I just want some coffee." I said

"Sara, please." He said

I looked at the food feeling my stomach hurt. He watched me waver then shake my head.

"Thanks."

"I will let you go out on a case if you eat."

I looked at him.

"It just came in." He said

"That's blackmail."

"Yes." He said, smiling a little.

I looked at him then the food. Grissom came in stopping as I looked down moving away from the table then I walked out almost running. Russell sighed watching me leave as Grissom watched.

I rubbed my head walking outside of the building. Grissom was talking to Russell just outside. They both looked over and I knew they were talking about me. I quickly walked past seeing Grissom turn coming after me.

"Sara wait!"

"Leave me alone!" I shouted, running to my car.

I looked over seeing him and Russell walking over looking worried.

"We both want to talk to you." Russell said

"I don't want to talk!" I said, feeling the throbbing get worse.

"Sara, just hear us out. We are really worried about you." Grissom said

I sighed looking at them.

"Is that it?"

"No, we both want to take you out to eat." Russell said

"I am fine." I said

"No, you're not." Grissom said "Please Sara."

"Fine." I said

They seemed relieved as they led me to Grissom's car driving to the diner up the road. I sat next to Russell in a booth. Grissom held a menu looking it over as Russell shared his.

"This looks good." He said, pointing to a salad.

"Get it." I said

"I meant for you."

"I am not that hungry." I said

"Sara, you are eating." Grissom said

I glared at him then nodded at Russell.

They ordered and the food came. I picked at my salad as they ate talking. Grissom looked at me as I put my fork down looking out the window.

"Eat!" He said

"No." I said

He sighed as Russell looked between us.

"Sara, we are not leaving here until you eat." Grissom said

"I am!" I said, moving. Russell started to move.

"Why are you trying to kill yourself?" Grissom asked

"Figure it out!" I shouted, leaving. Russell started to sit down as Grissom got up running outside. I was walking to the street sidewalk when Grissom grabbed my arm pulling me around to face him.

"Okay, let's just talk this through." He said, calmly. "I realize I hurt you."

"I don't want to talk to you!" I said

He tightened his grip on my arm.

"Sara, you can't do this."

"Why not? You don't care!"

"I do care! Why would I be here?"

I looked at him as he struggled with his next words.

"Sara, I do care about you. Seeing you this way is causing me to worry." He said "I can't…."

"What?" I asked, coming closer.

He searched my eyes.

"I can't do anything about my feelings because of our jobs."

"Why didn't you just tell me that?" I asked

"I am not good at personal problems." He said

I stepped closer putting my arms around him. He seemed surprised then he hugged me back. I put my face against his neck breathing out hot air. He closed his eyes enjoying the feeling of me pressed against him. I moved back.

"Gris, I understand, but I can't stop loving you."

"Me either." He said, touching my neck.

"You love me?"

"I have always been in love with you."

My heart started to beat faster as he said that.

"No one will know." I said

"I don't think it would be wise." He said

I sadly looked at him slowly nodding. He hugged me again then moved back as I leaned in kissing him. He kissed me back putting his hand on my head holding it in place. I moved back as he let me go.

"Are we friends?" He asked

"Yes."

"Please come back and eat."

I nodded feeling him let me go walking back. I knew deep down this was far from over, but for now I accepted it. I ate a little with them then Grissom drove us back to the lab. He offered to drive me home since I hadn't slept in a long time. He parked outside of my place sitting back in the seat looking at me.

"Thank you for the ride." I said

"You will start taking care of yourself, won't you?" He asked

"Yes, I will." I said

"Good." He said

I looked at my apartment building then at him.

"Um…do you want to come up?"

"I better not." He said

"Okay." I said, getting out shutting the door before walking to the stairs.

Grissom watched me then he got out joining me.

I woke up the hours later rolling over in the bed seeing Grissom sleeping beside me. I moved over putting my arm over his smooth stomach. I laid my head against his chest thinking about earlier. Grissom moved his head waking looking around.

"Where am I?" He asked

I lifted my head smiling at him.

"My place." I said

He slowly sat up looking down at the clothes scattered on the floor.

"Did we…?" He asked, or started to.

"Yes."

He laid back rubbing his head.

"Are you okay?" I asked, sitting up.

"This was a mistake." He said

I just looked at him. He let his hand fall to my arm.

"Sara, I am sorry, but we…. should never…."

"Grissom, when are you going to let the barrier fall? I love you and you…. have stated that you love me."

"I do love you. I just can't…."

I sighed moving away.

"I should go home and get ready for work." He said

"Fine." I said

He sat up looking at my back.

"Sara, I…."

"I don't want to have anything to do with you from now on." I said

"I can't allow that."

"You've hurt me over and over. I am done."

He just looked at me then he got up taking his things looking at me again.

"Just go." I said

He opened his mouth then he sighed leaving. I closed my eyes lowering my head.

I avoided him again. He avoided me as well.

I started to feel off one day. I walked to the bathroom with a pregnancy test. I paced waiting for my watch alarm to go off. When it did I reached out with a shaking hand taking the test. As I read the results I felt numb. I walked around the building unable to focus. Russell walked towards me holding a file.

"Hey, did you get the results on the hammer yet?" He asked, noticing something was wrong. "What's wrong?"

I couldn't speak feeling his hand on my elbow.

"Sara?"

Everything went dark and I remember nothing after. When I moved next, I recognized I was in Russell's office couch. He was standing near me looking down.

"Sara, can you hear me?" A voice asked

I blinked seeing Grissom sitting on the couch holding a cool cloth against my head.

"Sorry." I said

"There is nothing to be sorry for." Russell said

"Do you feel all right?" Grissom asked

"Yeah." I said, trying to move.

"Lay still." Grissom said

I closed my eyes again hearing them talk then a door closed. When I opened my eyes, Russell was gone and Grissom was still there.

"When I came in here you looked gray." He said

"Gris, there is something I need to tell you." I said

"Okay."

"I….am going to have a baby." I said

He just sat there looking at me. He stood walking around the room.

"Whose, is it?" He asked

I sat up a little looking at him.

"Do you think I…sleep around? It's yours, Grissom!"

He flinched when I said that. He stood still silently as I got up holding onto the couch arm.

"Just ignore this problem like you do everything else!" I said

"Sara, I will help. I just need some time to…think about this."

"Don't bother!" I said, walking to the door. "I am transferring to day shift."

"Sara."

I looked at him then I opened the door going out slamming the door. Russell reached out for me, but I just walked past.

I got my transfer not telling anyone my secret. Brass stood outside of a house I was walking up to. He stopped me frowning.

"This is a bad scene. I want to walk you through it."

"Okay." I said, knowing if he said that it must be bad.

"The first thing you're going to see is the body of a man in the hallway. He's been cut in half. His entrails are everywhere."

I swallowed already feeling sick.

"Upstairs the body of a woman lying at the doorway of the bedroom. Her back has axe wounds. Two kids in their beds. Heads are crushed in."

I gasped putting my hand to my mouth. Brass watched me drop my case and run to a nearby bush. I threw up over and over finally standing to see Brass on his phone by the door. I walked back over slowly as he got off the phone.

"I got someone else." He said

"I can do it." I said

"Sara, you're not doing well. I think you need to go home."

He pulled me down the sidewalk to the Tahoe making me relax in the passenger seat. I went to sleep rubbing my stomach. Brass walked over later opening the door looking at me a moment.

"Honey?" He said

I moved seeing him.

"I'll take you home."

I nodded climbing out of the vehicle. He got the keys from me giving to another cop then he took me to his car.

"So, what's going on?" He asked, as he drove.

"What do you mean?" I asked, as I looked outside.

"There is something you are not telling me."

I looked at him as I touched my stomach.

"I didn't want to tell you."

He looked at me a second.

"I am your father."

"It wasn't that. I just….needed some time to take it in."

"Are you sick?"

"In a way."

We stopped at a light and he looked at me.

"Sara, tell me."

I took his hand moving it to my belly.

"I am pregnant."

He looked at me just as Grissom did. I let his hand go looking down sadly.

"Are you rejecting me like Grissom did?" I asked

He looked out driving again. I watched him pull over stopping then get out of the driver's side. I moved as he opened my side pulling me out. He hugged me in silence.

"I will never reject you." He said "Who is the father?"

I moved back as he wiped a little tear off my cheek.

"Is it Grissom?"

"Yes."

He looked at me sadly, then he took my hand.

"I'll take you home."

I nodded letting him open the door.

The next day I woke to knocking at my door. I called in sick earlier and was in no mood to see anybody. I got up dragging myself to the door. When I opened, it I was surprised to see a short man in gray coveralls holding a paper.

"Are you Sara Sidle?" He asked

"Yes." I said

"I got some deliveries for you." He said

"I didn't order any." I said

"I got the name Gil Grissom. He ordered them. Can we bring them in?"

"I…. okay." I said

He handed me the paper as he walked away.

I looked at the paper then I went and got my phone out calling him.

"Grissom." He answered, before yawning.

"This is Sara."

"Hey, did the delivery come yet?" He asked

"What stuff did you order?" I asked, mad.

"Sara, calm down. I just bought some things for the baby."

"We are not even talking and you go and buy stuff?"

"I want to help."

"I don't need your help!"

Someone knocked and I opened it seeing some large boxes being pushed in with a cart.

"Where do you want this?" The man asked

I sighed looking at the box.

"The spare bedroom. The first door down the hallway." I said

The man nodded moving.

"I just want to help you." Grissom said "I'll be over to talk later."

With that he hung up. I sighed watching more boxes come in. After they left, I looked in the spare room seeing the boxes around the room. I went back to bed then hours later Grissom showed up. He came in and I slammed the door shut behind him.

"You okay?" He asked

"No." I said

He looked around then back at me.

"Do you want to order take out now, or wait?"

"I don't want to do anything with you." I said

He came closer searching my cold eyes. He looked down at the slight baby bump showing under my gray tank top. His hand touched it.

"Sara, can we at least find common ground?" He asked "We both made this baby."

"I made this baby." I said

"You could not have done this without me. I own half. We need to stop being selfish and help each other."

As much as I disliked him right now I could not deny that I did need his help. Slowly, I nodded looking down at his hand still touching my stomach.

"Good, now let's put the baby furniture together."

He smiled walking away.

We entered my spare room and he looked around.

"Sara, this room is to small."

"Yeah, with boxes everywhere." I said

"It's to small without the boxes. You may need to move to something bigger."

"This has been my home for years." I said

"I understand, but this place is to small." He said "For a single person, it's perfect. However, you're going to have another person living here soon."

I looked around as he did.

"I want to propose something to you." He said, walking over. "I am offering you my home."

I laughed as he just looked at me.

"I move in, with you?"

"Yes."

"Grissom, that was funny." I said, laughing as I left the room. He followed as I sat on the couch in the living room. "You can't be serious?"

"I wasn't joking." He said

"We are not even speaking to each other."

"You will need help."

I stood walking over to him.

"I can manage on my own."

"You can't even take care of yourself." He said

I opened my mouth to say something, but as I was about to he pulled me to him. His mouth crashed on mine. I struggled to get away, but he pulled me tighter. I moaned as he loosened his grip on me tilting his head. All the anger I was holding just floated away. He moved back opening his eyes looking into mine. I licked my lips shaking.

"What does this mean?" I asked, gently.

"It means that I promise I will not hurt you again."

"How can I believe that?"

"I love you and I need you in my life." He said "I talked to your dad. He said I was a fool because I hurt you and was afraid of commitment."

"He changed your mind?" I asked

"Yes, everything he said was hard to hear, but it was what I needed. Please move in with me."

I sniffed nodding then we hugged.

Within a month, I was at his house unpacking my things. He has a lot of space and the spare room seemed adequate for the baby room. I laid down on the bed tired from working. When I woke, I sat up looking at my phone seeing it was two am. I got up shocked that I had slept for so long.

Grissom was in the babies room when I walked out. He had just finished putting the crib together.

"Hey." He said, as I walked in.

"How long have you been home?" I asked

"About an hour. I couldn't sleep." He said

"Why?" I asked

"Just a busy shift." He said

He kissed my head and I felt there was more to the story.

Grissom was being secretive and I knew something was up. One day, I walked into Brass's office curious.

Brass had a pile of papers he was working on at his desk. He looked up giving me a little smile then went back to work.

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"What's going on?" I asked

He sat back looking at me confused.

"What do you mean?"

"With Grissom?"

"Oh, nothing."

I leaned over the desk giving him a smile.

"Come on, you know something."

"I don't know anything." He said

I sighed as he went back to his work. I kissed his cheek then walked out.

Grissom found me at his door as he returned from a meeting. He slowly walked over holding his brown briefcase.

"You're keeping a secret and I want to know what?" I said

"Sara, I am not keeping anything from you."

"Open the door." I said

He looked at me a moment then unlocked the door letting me in. I pulled him inside closing the door. He walked to his desk putting his case down then he looked at me.

"Well?" I asked

"There is nothing to tell." He said, shrugging his shoulders.

"You know I don't believe you. Even my dad is not saying a thing." I said, walking over to him. He looked down as my hands started to travel up his shirt.

"That is because there is nothing wrong." He said

I moved closer kissing his neck gently. He closed his eyes enjoying the feeling.

"Tell me." I said

He chuckled as I moved back smiling.

"You are very persistent." He said

"Yes, I am." I said

He shook his head touching my stomach.

"I am looking forwards to meeting our child." He said

"I am to."

He looked at me.

"I love you, Sara."

"I know."

"Life will change after this little one is born."

"Good change, or bad?"

"Good."

I smiled touching his hand on my stomach.

"Maybe, we should get married."

I stepped back looking at him in shock.

"Marriage? To…. you?"

He nodded. I blinked feeling my heart thump.

"I…."

"Think about it." He said

I walked out dazed.

After shift, I drove home thinking about it. I knew I loved him, but the prospect of being tied down forever scared me because of our past. I laid down skipping dinner and just went to bed thinking about it still. Grissom came in later walking to the bedroom seeing the outline of me. He looked at me then he went to the bathroom closing the door. I sighed looking at the wall as I laid on my side.

He sat on the toilet looking at the black box in his hands. Opening it, he looked at the diamond ring.

I got out of bed walking to the kitchen. I got out a pint of chocolate ice cream eating it from the container with a large spoon. I walked into the baby's room looking at the furniture set up. Grissom came out getting undressed noticing I was gone. He walked out seeing me standing in the middle of the room eating ice cream.

"Why aren't you asleep?" He asked, coming in.

"I…. just needed some ice cream." I said

"Everything okay?" He asked

I nodded eating more.

"You seem tense." He said, observing me.

I shook my head as he reached over taking the spoon and pint away. He put them on the changing table next to him then he touched my arms pulling me closer.

"Sara, what's wrong?"

"I am nervous about being married." I said

"We don't have to. I just thought you might want to because of the baby."

"I keep thinking about my parents and how they were happy. Until my mom one day snapped and killed my dad."

"Sara, we will not be like them."

"I just…."

"Honey, I understand your scared. I was scared asking, but I bought this because I know we will be okay." He said, holding out the black box to me. I took it in my hand shaking as I opened it.

Grissom had good taste and it showed in the ring. I lifted it out of the box. Grissom took it from me and lifted my hand pushing the ring onto my finger. He searched my eyes as I looked at him.

"I…. guess we are getting married!" I said

He smiled nodding.

I threw my arms around his neck worried still, but so happy.

My belly grew out more and it became difficult to get up out of chairs and to tie my shoes. Grissom kept making food and leaving it in the fridge. His thinking was that I would want things like meatless lasagna and sometimes cheese pizza.

I went to a scene as my fourth month ended. It was a few miles out of town at a general store. I could see it was going to be a bad one as there was blood smeared all over the front door. Once inside, I looked to my left seeing some guy leaning against one of the freezer with a gunshot wound in the chest. I shook my head before going to work. The smell of blood got to me, but I kept working.

When I got back to the lab I threw up in the toilet. As I walked out I put a hand out to the wall needing support. I took some deep breaths. My phone dinged. I lifted it up seeing Grissom texting me.

How's it going? G

I don't know. S

I let go of the wall walking slowly to the lab I was going to work in.

You okay? G

I don't know!

I put the phone back and heard it ding again, but I just ignored it. My stomach started to throb as I tried to work on the evidence. The pain inside started to get stronger. I sat against the wall winching as I rubbed my belly.

"Owe!" I cried

Suddenly, this warm flow of something started to spill out and I knew. Blood stained my pants as I cried. I got my phone out shaking dialing a number.

I rang a few times as another horrible pain shot threw me.

"Brass."

"Dad, I…. need help!"

"Sara, what's wrong?"

"I…. just need you….to come!" I said

"Honey, I am out at a scene."

I cried out again.

"Are you all right?" He asked, alarmed.

I cried again dropping the phone as I tried to get up. I fell close to the door seeing that blood was all over the tile floor behind me. I laid on my belly pushing myself to get to the door, but my strength left me. I laid there laying my head down crying.

Grissom came in looking around as he held his phone. He asked people if they had seen me. He walked further down the hallway to the labs. Brass ran meeting him with the day supervisor.

"Have you found her?" He asked

"No." Grissom said

He walked over to a closed door looking in.

"I found her!" He said, opening the door looking in horror at the blood. Brass knelt down as the day shift supervisor rang for the ambulance. Grissom knelt down touching my neck.

"She lost the baby!" Grissom said "I have a very weak pulse."

Brass helped him roll me over becoming scared at how white I was. He moved my hair back. I slowly moved my head sensing them.

"Sara, can you hear me?" Brass said

I opened my eyes a little seeing him.

"Sara?"

I swallowed lifting my hand to him. He looked down taking it. I pulled him to come closer. He leaned down I said something. Grissom watched him lean back as I went limp as my head went to the side.

"Sara?" He said "Gil, she's not breathing!"

Grissom blew into my mouth as Brass pushed down on my chest.

"Come on, Sara!" Brass shouted

Grissom blew again as Brass pushed harder. I made a sound as they froze.

"Come on!" Brass said

I made another noise relieving them both. Grissom lifted me up against him.

"It's okay." He said

Brass sat back in disbelief. The ambulance came and they took me to the hospital. Grissom stayed by my side. They moved me into a room. Grissom talked to the doctor quietly in the room. After the doctor left he walked over sitting on the bed rubbing my hand. I slept a long time. When I woke the next evening Brass and Grissom were talking at the door. I opened my eyes looking over at them.

"Call me if anything happens." Brass said

"I will, thank you." Grissom said

Brass left him alone with me. Grissom walked over seeing that I was awake. He came closer kissing my head.

"The baby?" I said, weakly.

"It's gone." He said

I knew the truth deep down, but I needed him to say it out loud.

"What…did I do?" I asked

"You didn't do anything. It just happened." He said

"I…did something." I said, moving my head.

He moved closer kissing my cheek and smoothing his cheek against mine.

"Sara, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes this happens." He said

"Will you stay?" I asked

"I need to check in at the lab, but I will be back." He said

He moved back searching my eyes.

"I love you."

I sniffed looking at him. He pulled me up against him holding me as I cried. He left I just looked at the window. I touched my stomach blaming myself.

Brass walked into Grissom's office shutting the door later.

"How is she?" He asked

"She is blaming herself." Grissom said

Brass sighed.

"She will for a time." Brass said

"The baby was not born and I still feel the loss."

"My wife had a miscarriage after Ellie and our marriage was never the same. I drank and ignored her pain."

Grissom shook his head looking at his forgotten paperwork on his desk.

"Don't let her back away from you, Gil. She will try."

"I won't."

Brass patted his friends shoulder then walked out. I was asleep when Grissom came in. He was tired after a hard shift, but he needed to see me. He walked over taking my hand in his.

He sat down in the chair next to the bed. I moved my head opening my eyes seeing him looking at me.

"Hey." He said, gently.

"Hey." I said

"How are you feeling?"

"Numb."

"Me to."

"Grissom?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you lay here beside me?"

He nodded getting up climbing on the bed and sat down beside me. I felt his arms come around me.

"Are you okay?" He asked

"Yes."

He kissed my head closing his eyes taking a breath.

"I keep thinking about when I first met you."

"At the conference in San Francisco." He said

"You started to talk and I was in the front row. Our eyes met and I was in love."

"It hit you that soon?" He asked

"Yes, I had to meet you."

"You did shove several people away." He said, chuckling.

"I asked you out for dinner and you said yes."

"I believe I asked you first."

"No, I did. We ate and drank a lot of wine."

"I had a headache in the morning." He said

"We ended up at your hotel room." I said

He kissed my head again.

"I woke and forgot you were beside me."

I lifted my head looking at him.

"You forgot?"

"Only for a moment." He said

I laid my head on his chest.

"You left town and I never saw you again."

"Until I called you to join my team."

"Then I spent years trying to get you to notice me."

"I did notice you."

I sighed touching his hand.

"Look at all the years we wasted."

"Sara, they were not wasted. We just were not ready to begin a relationship."

He laid his head against mine closing his eyes as I looked at the window.

"I love you, Grissom." I said

His breath told me he was sleeping. I closed my eyes holding his hand. I woke the next day to rain outside. Grissom was gone and someone left a tray of food on a table over me. I looked at it then sighed. The door opened as Brass came in. He smiled at me as he walked over looking at the tray.

"Not hungry?"

"Not really." I said

"You should eat." He said, taking a piece of toast. "Pretty good."

I looked at the scrambled eggs as he chewed on the toast.

"Where is Grissom?" I asked

"He said something about going home and showering." He said

"Is he okay?"

"I think so. He is worried about you."

He picked up the plastic fork and picked at the eggs trying them.

"Eggs are okay. Try some." He said, lifting the fork with egg on it to my lips. I looked at the egg grimacing. "Come on."

I opened my mouth as he shoved it in.

"Eww." I said

He smiled as I chewed. I ate then he looked at his watch.

"I gotta go." He said

I nodded moving to sit up more. He kissed my cheek before leaving.

The doctor said I could go home that afternoon. Grissom wheeled me out to the car in the car port. He pulled me out of the wheel chair helping me into the car. I looked at him as he climbed in. He looked at me taking my hand then he turned on the engine. I laid in bed as he made me something to eat. He climbed into bed and laid with me. I pulled him closer looking at him in the eyes. He closed his eyes as I did and we went to sleep.

I woke opening my eyes seeing he was gone. I sat up slowly. Grissom was at the desk typing. He looked as I came out. He watched me move to the kitchen without a word. I got some water coming back out glancing at him before going back towards the bedroom. I stopped at the nursery door opening it a little peeking inside. Opening the door more I went in slowly. Grissom walked in leaning against the door way looking at me.

"Sara?"

I touched the crib sliding my hand across it.

"Sara?"

I turned looking at him.

"You need to come out."

I looked down at the crib then I slowly walked over to him. He took my hand leading me out. He closed the door behind me and then pulled me against him.

"Sara, we can have another."

I looked at him feeling tears come down my cheeks.

"Honey, I am sorry…. I."

I made him let me go as I ran to our bedroom to the bathroom. I sat on the floor crying as he knocked over and over. I came out seeing him on the bed looking down.

"Gris?" I said

He stood looking at me.

"Sara, I…."

I ran over kissing him like he had never been kissed. He put his arms around me turning around laying me on the bed. To feel him again made me feel that everything would be okay. He moved off me a few minutes later pulling me against him. I went to sleep feeling him moving my hair from my face.

When I woke, I went for a run clearing my head. As I returned Grissom was coming out of the house.

"Hey, I need to go to the lab." He said

I nodded slowly climbing the stairs.

"You okay?" He asked

I nodded again.

He looked me up and down then went down. I waved at him before going inside. Grissom came back hearing the air conditioner running full blast. The house was like a freezer. Grissom walked into the bed room seeing that I was sleeping drenched in sweat in pajamas.

"Sara?" He called

I swallowed moving my head feeling my wet hair being moved.

"Sara, can you hear me?"

My eyes opened seeing him leaning over me looking worried.

"When did you get home?"

"Minutes ago, your clammy and pale. It's freezing in here."

"I am okay." I said

I tried to get up, but he stopped me.

"Stay here." He said, getting up leaving the room.

I moved my arm trying to sit up. He came back in with a full glass of water sitting on the bed. He lifted it to my lips allowing me to drink. I swallowed gulping it down till there wasn't anything left. He watched me cough after sitting up more.

"What did you do after I left?"

"I went for another run."

He sighed looking at me.

"How far?"

"I don't know…. eight miles."

"Sara!"

"What?"

"I don't want you to do that again!"

"It felt good to get out there. I over did it, I am sorry."

"Take a shower and then come out to eat dinner."

I watched him stand holding the glass looking at me.

"Gris, I am sorry."

"If you keep this up it will kill you."

"I am not doing it to kill myself!"

He walked out silently as I sat back in the bed looking down. I came out looking better smelling food. Grissom had meatless sauce over spaghetti and a salad on the table in the dining room. I walked over sitting down as he sat near me.

He put the salad on my plate and his then he ate some looking at me. I ate silently glancing at him. He reached over grasping my hand.

"Russell talked to me. He wants you to come back to his team."

"I would like that." I said

He smiled a little letting my hand go.

We finished dinner and then went to bed. I watched him slide in next to me turning the light off. Moving over I touched his cheek making him look at me in the dim light.

"I am sorry."

He touched my cheek.

"I know. I am sorry to."

He kissed my head then pulled me closer. I laid my head on his chest unable to sleep thinking.