The crack in the well worn ceramic mug fascinated her. Just a chip really, slightly right of the handle. Her eyes lasered onto it, mesmerized on it in fact, and did not move even a facial muscle when her dining companion clearedhis throat. She had
long ago tuned out her dad since he hit a nerve with his analysis of her situation. She is still mulling over his wisdom, trying to come to a resolution she can live with.
"You know, your whole life you've never had a relationship go this far. You know, right around here you always end them. Now why is that? Look, Katie, I know you. When you get scared you hide in your work. And I just want to be sure whatever decision
you make,
it's because it's what you want. Not because you're afraid. "
She forces a smile knowing just how his right her father is.
"This job. It's what I want. " murmured in a whisper more so than as a true conviction
"Then tell him. "
"He's gonna hate me, Dad. "
"That's something you're going to have to live with. "
The chime of her phone startled her back to reality. That sound could mean only one person on the other side of the connection. Her eyes blurred with tears seeing that smiling face
"We need to talk". It said. She quickly hammered out
"Yes we do"
"Park with the swings good? Thirty minutes? Came the reply
Getting up, yelping as she caught her knee on the tabletop, she kissed her dad goodbye and scurried out if the diner not knowing what fate had in store for her.
The drive to the park has Kate replay in her head all the fears she admitted to her dad. He gave her a lot to chew on, serious considerations to be had on her part. But in her gut she knew what she wanted and no matter how many times she replayedthe
heart to heart with her dad, her resolve did not falter, in fact it only grew stronger. Nevertheless that dialogue held a sharp poignancy. She could not shake it from her thoughts:
Looking up from her coffee, Kate smiles at her father, but she's not really happy. She waits for his words.
"So… what are you going to do? " putting the ball directly in her court
"I don't know, Dad." she waits to garner his full attention "It's like I'm standing at a crossroads and I have to choose between two possible futures. " Her eyebrows furrow, knowing the enormity of thisdecision.
"Why do you think you have to choose?" Jim offers. Kate looks at him as if he knows something she doesn't
"Because Dad, he's right. If I take this job, then there's not going to be time for anyone else, and then if I don't ..." she can't bear to finish the sentence
"It'll be because of him and you'll end up resenting him for it." Jim completes it for her
"Or" she looks down not able to meet his eyes "worse. Dad, I don't know what we have. I don't know if it's real. It's like we've been doing this dance for the past five years and … I mean, what happens when the music stops? That if all we were in love
with was the dance?"
Before she knew it, the park entrance appeared on her left.
It's the same park where they went to talk after she left him for the summer when she got shot. Where she decided to be with him, eventually. Pleading with him to be patient, to give her time and space. Her words reverberate from that dayvery clearly
in her brain. Sadly, they still hold weight.
She gets out of her car and walks across the grass. Castle is not there yet much to her relief. She takes a swing slowing rocking back and forth, further deepening the crevice under her feet. She thinks of how much it reminds her ofthe swings of
her childhood, before most parks decided on the rubber compost mats. She misses those simpler times, times she had her mom whomshe misses so much at this very moment.
Her boots obtain a light film of dust where her feet skim along the clay, scuffing the pointed toe of the expensive biker boots. But she doesn't care. The time alone allows her to reflect on the argument from two nights ago, hoping to smooththings
over, hoping it isn't the end of them.
She sees it so clearly, yet does not really understand how it fell apart so quickly. They were so perfectly in love not so long ago when she totally fooled him with his surprise 40th birthday party. Then things spiraled downward untilshe almost
believed they did not have a future together any longer. Her mind conjures up the play by play of the fateful fight.
Hepicks up her jacket that hung from her chair causing a thick piece of paper to fall out. Bending over, He picks it up and reads it.
Puzzled Castle inquired "What's this?"
Beckett pays him no mind and keeps chopping vegetables for their dinner.
Absentmindedly she replies "What's what?"
Castle holds up a paper Boarding pass. The one that tumbled out.
Her smile falters as she realizes what he is holding. Almost pleading she utters "Castle..."
Castle is still trying to understand exactly what he is holding, trying not to incriminate his love "Did you fly to DC yesterday?"
She puts down the knife and walks toward him, hoping beyond hope she can salvage this predicament without a huge fight. Her face does not think it is possible.
"Yes. I did. ". She finally confessed
Why?
Taking a long time to answer to ensure she can express herself correctly while disarming his growing anxiety "I was invited down for an interview. "
A perplexed look creased his features as he is not sure what that means.
"What kind of interview?" is the best he can muster.
Sheepishly Kate clarified "For a position. With the Federal Task Force. "
His confused scowl changed into one of hurt sprinkled with a healthy dose of anger "I'm sorry, you interviewed for another job in another city … and you didn't tell me?"
Becoming somewhat miffed, bordering on losing a tight control of her emotions she offered a strained retort "I didn't tell you about it because it was just an interview and I knew you would be upset."
She's trying to tread carefully but it's not working. Between seeing proverbial steam rising from Castle's ears and her ebbing self control she tried not to erupt this smoldering volcano. Castle offers no help.
He scoffs "Oh … yeah. Yeah. You're damn right I'm upset."
"Castle, I just wanted to see what was out there. What's wrong with that? " she quickly shot back
"What's wrong with it is that you hid it from me. In fact, you lied about it. I wouldn't do that to you." His rage barely contained.
"Castle, this isn't about you." Castle does not bother to hide his 'are you shitting me' look . Beckett continued nevertheless "This is about me. This is about my life."
Exasperation replaces irritation as he chortled "So you're seriously considering this?"
She is incredulous, her response laced with disbelief with his attitude "Yes! This is a wonderful opportunity. It'll be a chance to do more."
Realization of the situation finally dawn on him "Without me!"
She's momentarily speechless still unable to understand where he is coming from. She changed her tact, imploring him to see it from her point of view.
"Castle, please don't do this. Don't make this about us."
Castle is not backing down. He knows he is right. He has no intention of sugar coating his venomous words "I'm sorry, tell me how this isn't about us. You get this job, you move to DC, I'll never see you. That's pretty much the end of our
relationship, isn't it? "
Beckett shakes her head realizing she is not penetrating his incredibly hard head "You don't know that. And I probably won't even get the job."
Castle does not accept that premise, he knows she is extraordinary and will excel as a Fed. He also knows her independence and stubbornness will not permit her to accept anything less. Especially for a relationship.
"That's not the point.. His glare are like daggers "The point is, you knew what this could mean. And it didn't occur to you to include me." In a moment of clarity he realizes "Or worse, it did occur to you. And you chose not to.
Now what does that say about us? " He moves to grab his coat, broader line dramatic "Not much, you ask me."
He wants to continue, drive the point home further. He thinks of the argument he overheard at the Candella's house where Beckett chastised Will Sorenson for the exact same thing she has done. No, he told himself, I am not that cruel, I am
pissed, he admits, but more so he still loves her, to him still still is Always? He cannot punish her by dragging up that pain.
Exasperated, Beckett sighs before turning to face him.
"Castle." Imploring him to understand
He pauses for a moment before realizing he is on the verge of exploding. Taming his emotions enough to spit out "I can't be here right now."
He takes his jacket and marches past her to the door. She sighs knowing he needs space, to work things out in his head, to come to his senses. Being that may she doesn't try to stop him
Once the door shuts, surprised there was no slam, she let her mind entertain the thoughts she kept bottled up during their brawl.
Sitting there, swinging lightly, those same reflections storm back to haunt her.
"Didn't he always want the best for her? Her ideal job? And what about Always? She is on the verge of a breakdown and they haven't even met yet."
She doesn't acknowledge him when he takes the swing facing her. It's a long moment before anyone speaks. Finally Kate breaks the ice.
"I'm sorry." she sighs quite noticably, "I shouldn't have kept secrets."
"It's who you are. You don't let people in. I've had to scratch and claw for every inch." Castle says in resignation.
"Castle" she implores
Raising a hand to stop her, he practically begs to continue:
"Please let me finish. "
He looks up to find she is staying silent allowing him to continue this stream of consciousness:
"I've been doing a lot of thinking about us. About our relationship, what we have, where we're headed." He ruefully shakes his head "I've decided I want more."
She nods in agreement to the obvious line and tries to protect herself. She can't stem her feeling of doom.
He continues "We both deserve more."
It takes her a second to digest his meaning. It surprises her that his tone hurts her so much more than she thought.
Meekly she nods in concurrence "I agree."
Barely taking a breath, Castle further extrapolates:
"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett"
He steels himself against disappointment and drops off his swing onto his knee extending his right hand holding out a ring:
"Will you marry me?"
His hands are extended far too long for a normal proposal but the again when have they ever done anything normal? The torn anterior cruciate ligament in the right knee from that fateful ski trip throbs the longer he is in contact with the ground.
His features slowly dissolve from unabashed hopefulness to a mixture of dread and disappointment. It really is taking her far too long to give a proper reply. He sees the words forming on her lips, subtle but sure. Hoping for
a smiling parting of the lips in the affirmative he only sees the roundness of the mouth surely indicating a negative response.
No...t yet". Kate stammers out.
Castle is still mesmerized on her mouth contortions only heard the first syllable, not the entire sentence and his brain goes into shut down mode. Obviously his English to Castle translator converted 'not yet' into 'NYET' spinning her word intoRussian
involuntarily.
" Let's revisit that question when I am done training in three months. " plastering a fake smile that he readily detects "We'll have a better grasp of my assignment and even whether we need to do the long distance thing, with any luck, I could geta
New York desk."
She saw the look of dejection carved into his ruggedly handsome features. Finally, with a deep grimace now intrenched on his face, Rick climbed back into the swing, grasping Kate's hands searching her features for some hope, some morsel of promise.
/He found none.
Now that she provided her answer, however ambiguous, the parting words of her dad haunt her:
"It's something you're going to have to live with."
Dropping her head, she is still not sure if she can, live with putting Castle off, making him wait even longer, this time without her to work with, to be near to share their lives, as partners, as close friends, not to mention lovers. Before shecan
give Castle a chance to weigh in on her ultimatum, her phone beeps. It's a text from the precinct. In bold caps it simply reads "suspect in custody – ready for interrogation".
Once again it's Ryan who interrupts them with a text asking Beckett to come back to the twelfth as they captured their prime suspect.
All she can do is barely whisper "My last case. I better go end it."
Castle does not follow her, he does not even look up as she kisses his cheek goodbye with a promise to see him later.
Resigned to her fate, She sighs heavily as each step takes her further away from Always.