Egomonogatari / 自我物語

Chapter 1

A man appeared in my house today. He was foreign looking, but he spoke perfect Japanese. I don't know why he's here. I don't know HOW he got here. I don't know what he wants either. I DO know who he is, though. At least, I know his name. He told me his name casually, without even raising his eyes from the book he was reading.
The book he picked up from my shelf- without even asking I might add.

Every so often he'd chuckle like I wasn't there, and mumble something like
"...that theory has no bearing to real life. It's just a formless thought... A spook, really."

The strange thing is that he was simply reading a BL-novel I purchased a while ago. I don't know what kind of philosophies he could get from that.
Anyway, when I got home I hesitantly said hello to him, and just hovered around for a while, thinking he was a friend of my grandmother.

He wasn't.
When I asked him, he admitted he didn't even know I had a grandmother. He didn't know who I was either, for that matter.

It's not like he's bothering me, nor is he scaring me, but... why is he here? I came home from school and he was just lounging on my couch. Smoking a cigarette like he owned the place.

"I do own the place," he said casually, "everything in the world is my property."

"How do you figure that?" I was kinda upset, you might imagine.

He shrugged. "Everything in this world is mine. I just need to attain power over it."

"Everything is yours?"

"Everything. Even you."

I shuddered. Never mind what I said earlier, he was definitely scary.

"Don't worry though," he laughed, "I have no desire to attain power over you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" All of a sudden I felt inadequate, even though I didn't know the guy. Damn.

"Who the hell are you anyway?" I demanded.

Finally, he put my book down. "Who am I?" he repeated.

After standing up, he assumed a pose I swear he got straight from JoJo, with his arms crossed along his face, his hands doing some sort of symbol, and his coat fluttered in some imaginary wind.

Is he a chuuni or what?

"Behold! I am the creative nothing! Everything in the world is mine!" he exclaimed like he was the final boss of a videogame.
His glasses even flashed when he introduced himself.

...Yeah, definitely a chuuni.

"..."

I had nothing to say. I think this guy ran away from a mental asylum or something. That would explain some things.

For a moment, he just kept standing there fully confident in himself... though a sweatdrop rolled down his cheek eventually.

He coughed. "My name's Max Stirner," he finally relented.

"Great. Can you get out of my house now?" I said.

He laughed. "You mean MY house, right?"

"Like hell I do! And put the cigarette out while you're at it, have some manners!"

He scoffed at the idea. "Manners?" he said, "You realise manners are just useless social constructs designed by elites to distinguish themselves from the common folk, right?"
He looked kinda smug when he said it.

This fuckin' guy, I swear.
"Whatever they are, I still don't want this place to stink, so put it out."

He sighed, and to my surprise he pressed the ember of the cigarette into the palm of his hand.
"I'm not doing this because you requested me to," he explained, "I'm doing this for my own sake. Seeing you unhappy makes me unhappy too- ergo, I will abide for now."

"Okay...?"
That reply was kind of tsundere, wasn't it?
It seemed like that was the end of the conversation anyway.

He turned back to the BL novel like it was high class literature...

I hope to god he doesn't actually enjoy it. I'm not prejudiced at all- but a guy his age enjoying BL is just... well, I'd rather not continue.
The silver lining of this VERY dark cloud was, thankfully, that he didn't like the story.

"This is the worst thing I read in years," he commented.

"I'm glad you say that," I replied, somehow relieved, "If it's bad, why don't you put it down? And leave?

"I think I'll throw it in the incinerator later..." he mumbled.

"What?"
It's one thing to break into my house, but to do this to my precious books...

"I'm burning this in the incinerator later," he repeated, "I'm pretty sure I was speaking clearly."

"Yeah, I heard what you said just fine! That's not the problem here! I won't let you burn my stuff!"

"Oh? So you think you can stop me? I AM the creative nothing, after all- I'd like to see you try. Anyway, the book's mine now."

"I can stop you. I WILL stop you, you hear me!?"

I lunged at him, ready to grab the book, but he was off like speeding bullet, and I crashed into the couch he was sitting on not a split second earlier. With his coat flapping behind him, he sprinted out of the living area and into the hallway.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm burning this right now! It belongs in the trash! Any other opinion regarding the book is a spook and should be ignored! I'm doing you and the world a favour here!"

Damnit. I can't believe I've gotten into this situation.

"Wait up you fruitloop! I'm calling the police I swear!"

"The justice system is a spook!"

"Just give me my book back!"

"Never! I've attained power over it! I've attained power-!" he yelled while waving the novel that cost me 300 yen around like it was a treasure, looking smug as all hell. "You can't attain power over it again! You're my property anyway!"

The guy was fast.
He would've gotten away too but he fell right on his face when he reached an opened shoji leading outside.
Quite dramatically I might say. Waving his arms and yelling and everything.
I guess he tripped on the step in the doorway that lead to my garden or something.

Whatever happened, I pounced him anyway, and we rolled out onto the veranda around my house.

Using all of my knowledge regarding martial arts, I tried to wrestle the book from his hands, but he held onto it like a little kid, muttering
"My- prop- er- ty..."

"Whaddaya mean, 'my property'!? It's goddamn softcore yaoi you fruit, what do you care!?"

Unrelenting, he held on, his knuckles even went white as he clutched 'his property', while wearing a fierce expression like he was fighting for his dear life.
The book stretched so far I was afraid it'd rip in half.

Then, it has really come to this.
On the man who broke into my house, I will use my secret technique to get my property back.
One, two, here goes-

The karate chop to his forehead was successful.
He passed out instantly the moment my hand connected with a thwack sound, and let go of the book.

I sighed. Today was tiring.

Seeing as the man was out cold, I could drag him by his feet and drop him on the street later, so the garbage collectors can pick him up. But first, I'm hiding my books and locking the door to my room.

When I came back, he was still there, except he was awake. The only difference from before was that now he had started smoking again.

"You're still here?" I said, "I thought you'd have run away after being defeated by a girl."

He looked kinda pitiful laying there, but he spoke very gently and calm-

"Shame is just a spook." he said, "It's an immaterial concept, so my loss doesn't bother me one bit. I would never run away just because I was embarrassed. It's impressive you beat me, actually."

All things considered, that attitude was admirable at least.

"Just don't steal my things anymore. They're, like, mine. Does your head hurt, by the way?"

He sighed.

"Don't worry about that. Empathy is also a spook, so don't get entangled in it. More importantly, you defended your right to power admirably, so I won't complain no matter how much it hurts. Damn. I underestimated you too... You're stronger than you seem."

Again I really had no idea what to say.
Was he trying to flatter me, or insulting me with that line? He didn't elaborate.

"Right." I started. It seemed he calmed down. "Well. Okay. Now that that romp's over, can you tell me what's going on here? Or more specifically, why you're in my house in the first place?"

"Your house," he said with a very serious expression, "...looked super comfortable to live in. That's why it's mine now."

"Are you serious? Leaving aside the house's ownership, that is why you broke in?"

He grinned. I can't believe this guy.

I was about to drag him away by his feet (even though he was now lucid) when he spoke up again.

"Well, I'll be honest," he said. I just stopped short of grabbing his ankles. I'll listen to him for now...

"Your house does look like it's super comfortable, but that's not why I'm here." He furrowed his eyebrows, and if he wasn't still on the floor he'd actually look kinda smart.

"Actually, the reason why I'm here is..."

-his glasses flashed-

"... because I sensed a powerful immaterial presence inside of this house."

"A powerful presence...?"
My heart skipped a beat right when he said that, and I subconsciously reached for my bandaged arm. He couldn't have sensed that, could he? He was here before I arrived, but maybe he felt a lingering power in the air and went to investigate. Either way, I didn't expect that. Who is this guy really?
He was still on the wooden planks of the veranda, inhaling smoke like it was the most normal thing in the world.
This guy actually caught me off guard...
I squared my shoulders, and stood over him.

"Hey, you, get up," I said. "It's weird if you keep laying down there. Once you're standing up again, tell me who you really are, what you know, and what it is you really do. If you answer me honestly I might consider not beating you up again."

Maybe he solved problems with oddities, like Koyomi does.
But if he was someone like Kaiki, it'd be bad. I'll just be careful.

"You might consider not beating me up again?" he said. "How merciful. Fine, the question is: Who am I really?, right?" He chuckled.

Expectantly, I waited.

"What a dumb question! I've already introduced myself- I am the creative nothing," he decided.

"..."

I kicked him in the ribs.

He finally stood up, and turned away from me to face the setting sun.

Bathed in orange light, he had one hand in his pocket, while the other still held the small remains of a cigarette. If I didn't know any better, he'd look pretty cool.

"My name is Max Stirner," he said. He sounded serious for once. "I used to be a high school teacher, but, well, it didn't work out."
He took a drag from his cigarette, and threw it away into my zen garden. I'll let him off this time as to not spoil the mood.
"Currently, however, I am a full time hunter of spooks and immaterial existences. Nice to meet you."

With that, he turned to face me again, as if he was only now truly introducing himself.

Caught up in the moment, I told him my name too. He nodded silently.
For some strange reason, I felt like this guy was meant to show up here. And, for some even stranger reason, I think it might not be a bad thing, all in all. He said he hunted spooks... that's ghosts, right? And other immaterial existences? He must be talking about oddities.

If this man's really here to investigate something like the monkey's paw, that'd be a good thing, right? If that's his intention, I'll ring up Koyomi too, and we'll figure something out.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

"Well, I think we should decide on a truce," the man said. "There's still a spook around here, and it needs to be eradicated."

"A truce? I don't feel like we need to decide on a truce just because of a fight over a BL novel, but... Okay. Let's be at peace for now."

We gave each other a wanton handshake, and the man looked satisfied. A bit smug too.

"Well," he said, turning to the open sliding-door, "let's go back into my house to discuss things."

"...Your house?"

"My house."

"..."

Let me just tell you, the peace treaty was broken very quickly.

END CHAPTER 1

Nota bene:

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who read this all the way to the end.
This story sort of came to me on a whim, and I wrote it in about an hour.
In other words, it doesn't really deserve to exist.
Stirner is too much of an obscure character too, so not a lot of people will enjoy this properly, I fear.

That being said, thanks for reading! I can't say it enough.
I hope you will keep reading and enjoying the upcoming chapters!

-AA.