fandom: Free!
title: Even more than the ocean.
pairing: Haruka + Makoto
rating: pg
description: Makoto leaves for a few days while Haruka tries to adjust to life in Tokyo.
Even more than the ocean.
By Miyamoto Yui
I'm suffocating.
As the clouds push on with the wind, the sun is like a lighthouse beam of intervals. Light and shadow, light and shadow.
The young man raises his head to notice the towering buildings, structures that would never have existed in his little town. They would have blocked the beautiful expanse of crystal blue that always greeted him from the time he awoke until he slept once again. Somewhere outside of his bedroom window, he could always be reassured that the waves called out to him and he'd hear their melody.
But not here.
I've lived all my life surrounded by the ocean. But anywhere I look now, I can't see it at all.
So troublesome. All these buildings and advertisements are in my way.
An oversized television on one of the business buildings shows a girl smiling into the camera to promote another Pokari Sweet drink. Next, a promotion video appears with five guys in white suits. Each of them has a different dyed hair color as they lift their chins into the air confidently. Below it, men and women in suits bob up and down. The sea of black slacks and white shirts head to their respective companies, working on their upcoming verbal pleasantries to mask their rising resentments.
If I don't swim, is this all I'm going to look forward to in my 'future'?
Wearing dark blue jeans and a green and white striped shirt, he watches these people emptily. He holds onto the handle of his swimming bag in one hand and adjusts the shoulder strap for his school one with the other.
The light turns green and the young man crosses the street during the evening rush hour. Even though he's walking as fast as he can within the crowd, someone shoves him trying to get down the stairs of the subway entrance, disappearing underground into the next level of pandemonium.
The boy with the clear blue eyes is swallowed up into a new current of people heading in and out of Tokyo. After charging his train card, he now stands patiently behind the yellow line.
It's so noisy here. I need to get home.
Oh...but Makoto won't be there anyway.
The announcements blare loudly from the speakers, "The train headed for…"
That very second, his phone vibrates and he opens it to see a message from Nagisa.
"Haru-chan~!
How are things going?
Remember I told you that we got a lot of new members this year? Well, somehow we got the school to allow us to do exchanges with other schools! Even girls have come to compete! Gou and Sensei are very happy about that.
How are your classes? Are you finally getting used to everything? And how is your training? Did you break any of the school records yet?
I can't wait to hear all about it!
I wish I could visit you guys soon. It's only been three months, but I miss you.
It's okay, though. At least I have Rei-chan here with me.
I'll call you later! Take care!
-Nagisa"
He closes it and places it back into his pocket, not knowing how to answer.
/"Are you all right?" the couch asked as he looked at his clipboard.
"I'm fine." He tried to shrug it off as an off-day.
"We'll work on more exercises tomorrow to control your power for more endurance."
"Yes," he nonchalantly answered.
At the showers, when he was alone, he pressed his head against the tile wall./
I was in last place during practice. I am here on a swimming scholarship and I'm failing already.
Leaning on the metal bar, he pretends that nothing is amiss. Shutting his eyes, he takes a deep breath, trying to forget the people who are pushing on him on all sides. A woman holding her child that's wearing a uniform from a famous school or the high school girls who keep furtively glancing in his direction.
Unlike home, where many people knew him after he'd won the nationals, he is back to being a nobody. Maybe it was good sometimes not to know anyone. Not be surrounded by familiar faces who were now expecting more.
How long is that going to take? Grandmother, I don't want to turn back into an ordinary person yet.
The man in front of him has his music on so loud, and because they're all squished together until the metal doors let go of them, he can hear the woman's breathy, ethereal voice through the earphones,
"If you let everything go,
The sunlight will embrace you.
Its dazzling rays will
always accept you.
Don't grow up without me.
My heart is always with you
And I still can't catch up
To where you are…"
That song…
It was a song that Makoto listened to while he was writing an essay. He'd heard it when he'd accidently pulled the cord from the computer. Embarrassed, Makoto quickly put the earphone into the jack as Haruka tried to fall back to sleep, refusing to leave the living room if Makoto was going to stay there all night.
As twilight is falling over the city, brushing orange and red into light purple and blue, he takes a slow pace towards their apartment. His eyes follow the line of stones that separate him from the river to his right. It was partly why he chose this apartment.
/"I'm just going to stay three days up north. There is a program up there to take care of children in an orphanage. I'm going to create some activities with them. Our school is sponsoring so I want to try it out." Makoto was holding onto the handle of the frying pan, cooking dinner.
Haru sat in the dining room chair, his feet up with a towel over his head and a coffee cup in his hand. Rei's going away present is on the table. The book in front of him shows a picture of the famous swimmer that he admired. "Okay."/
What a convenient word 'okay' is. It is neutral. Not aggressive or passive, agreeable.
No one can read it to mean more or less.
Okay to Rin leaving for Australia. Okay to his parents going off. Okay keeps him safe.
Out of habit, he looks up to the apartment's windows even though he knows that the lights won't be on.
As he turns the key get into their apartment and switches the lights on, his ears feel the silence, a complete opposite of the chaos he'd just experienced below, only 10 minutes away from their home. Hadn't he wanted to get away from that tired, melancholic disorder in the first place?
Putting his shoes away and leaving his bags in their room, he then goes into the kitchen to see what he could make because his stomach is rumbling. On the table, he finds that Makoto has left him with his favorite 'mackerel' and some vegetables with a note on top that says, "Be back soon". The letters are in a wide, slanted, almost cursive hand. He'd never really paid attention to Makoto's writing before.
It's neat, but pretty. Not like a teacher at all though.
A slight smirk appears on his face.
"Where'd he find the time to make this?" When he touches it, it is still a little warm.
His gaze lingers on the food, but instead, he turns away from it. He gets his other bag in the hall and leaves immediately. His stomach isn't hungry anymore.
Since we've come to Tokyo, I've never eaten dinner without you.
########################################################
Jogging to the local gym, he can't wait to get into the pool. He changes and starts practicing. It wasn't like he hadn't done it that morning at school. Or that afternoon either. He is earlier than usual for his evening schedule.
Going back and forth, lap after lap, he gasps for air before submerging over and over into his paradise.
As long as there is water, I'll be fine.
No matter what happens, even when things change, this will always be with me. No one can take you away from me.
That's what he had thought, but the smell of chlorine doesn't offer the comfort he's seeking.
I want to smell the salt.
Because the ocean was always a touch away from his house, going to pools had been tolerable. His ocean would be there waiting for him with its saline kisses.
"I don't even have that now."
That night, he ends up going straight to bed after his bath. The food is in the refrigerator and he doesn't resolve to wake up early to do his assignment. He can't stand that it's too quiet after getting used to living with someone again.
His eyes look over at the empty bed with the moonlight shining over it. Turning over, he curls up into a ball with a light green blanket over him. He turns again and again trying to find a good sleeping position.
Out of frustration, he gets up and grabs Makoto's favorite shirt, the yellow one with white and black plaid lines and small buttons, from the laundry basket. Getting into bed, he hugs it close to him and the collar touches his lips.
If there is no salt, this is good enough.
Soon, he falls into a deep slumber, a reverie in which he is a mermaid child swimming happily. But in the dream, he listens to Rin, who has decided to go to another kingdom. Rei watches from a castle window, the court advisor who always has a scroll in his hands. Nagisa, his little brother in this dream, is swimming towards him, his fin swerving towards him with all his might. He entreats him to reconsider his decision by pulling on his hand and points at Makoto.
He longs to follow Rin, but he also looks back at Makoto, who is waving with the same patient and understanding smile from the shore.
For some unknown reason, why did Makoto give his fins to live with the surface dwellers?
A cold sweat runs down his forehead to the pillow when he wakes up. It still isn't dawn yet and somehow, Makoto's shirt is over his chest with his right arm holding it protectively.
########################################################
The next day, with an unbuttoned teal blouse, he makes himself some strong tea, potent enough to wake him up and forget his dream. His fingers push into the rims of the kitchen sink.
What's wrong with me? It's no big deal. It wasn't any different from when my parents left me at home.
This is ridiculous. I can survive by myself. I've done it before.
It's only a few days for goodness sake!
At the university, he listlessly watches the professor at the front of the class. He's in dark silver slacks and a beige blouse. Pointing to a detail on the board, the young, brown-haired instructor explains about the crests and troughs of a wavelength.
Haruka's mind goes into a completely different direction at the word 'wave'.
His parents and the Tachibanas planned a picnic at the beach near their houses. They brought a large rainbow blanket to share and lots of food to eat together. On that day, their parents decided to finally teach them how to swim.
His mom grinned while holding his arms. Even though bathing was his favorite time of the day, the feel of being in the water wasn't like in the bathtub or taking a shower. He put his head in the water and then took it out, the water splashing around as he took a breath of air.
Gliding through the mirror-like liquid, his heart felt so free, a tickle of delight that penetrated right into his heart.
It was love at first embrace.
Later on, when they had put on a t-shirt and they were about to leave, four-year-olds Haruka and Makoto were left behind. They promised that they'd just sit at the shore and watch the water. They couldn't go into it without an adult there.
As the sun was setting, Makoto pleaded, "Haru-chan, we have to go home. It's time for dinner."
"No!" Haruka put his toe out touch the water and ran back towards Makoto. "I don't want to go!"
"Come on! It's almost nighttime. My mommy and your mommy will get mad."
With a flushed face, Haruka just couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
It was hard to tear himself away.
No one could understand how he felt. He could be hugged by it all he wanted. It would never reject him, or get mad. He could be selfish as much as he wanted without saying a word and he'd be happy at the end of it.
The ocean would know how to fill the small amount of loneliness that came once in a while, the insecurities that came when mom and dad would disappear into work and themselves.
In a panic, Makoto kissed his forehead. "Don't cry, Haru-chan. We can come again tomorrow. It will be here."
Out of surprise, he wiped his tears while his temperature rose.
Nodding and being bratty, he held out his small hand for Makoto. Makoto's bright smile made his cheeks turn even redder when they held hands.
The ocean became the object of his affections. He couldn't live without it.
He would never be alone because he was surrounded by it.
Looking back at the rushing water, as they walked away, Makoto turned to see Haruka watching his back. That powerful heartwarming grin was shining at him.
This smile intertwined with that wonderful afternoon.
########################################################
He knows he isn't doing well today either.
Lifting his arms to make a line and reaching for perfection in his stream, his feet kick as hard as they can to give him millimeters of advantage with each stroke. His face goes from side to side, absorbing as much air as he can to keep himself going until the end.
Keeping his mind blank, his body already knows the plan. Even if there are others going in the same direction, he is in his own isolated space, racing against his other selves recorded in between the stopwatch buttons.
He isn't here to push against the water, but to move within it until he and it reach the moment they are no longer separated by skin. They are one, soul to soul, loving one another more than the last time they were together.
"Still a little behind, but better today, Nanase," the couch says.
Satisfied, he walks towards the showers and stops, watching the pool with the other swimmers who are here for other reasons: Love, casual affection, Olympics, passion, or that feeling of being more than human for a few minutes.
He imagines all of them laughing together. His heart squeezes itself just a little for Gou, Nagisa, Rei, Rin, and Makoto.
Heading into the showers, he wonders how will he sleep tonight.
Just hold on for one more day.
Someday, we'll see each other again and continue on as if time never separated us.
########################################################
The kitchen clock reads "9:27 pm".
Clap, clap. He bows his head and his chopsticks in between his hands. "Itadakimasu."
When he opens his eyes, in front of him is the reheated food that Makoto had made. He starts eating the potatoes and carrots.
He's gotten much better.
Reaching for the mackerel, his phone starts to ring a tune titled "Rays". He puts his chopsticks down and runs to his gym bag in the hallway.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Haru! Are you busy right now?"
"Naw, I'm just eating."
There is a sigh of relief on the other end of the line. "I don't want to nag, but I was a little worried about that."
"Oh, you shouldn't." His eyes look at his socks. "Thanks for the food you left."
"You're welcome."
"So…" Haruka has no idea what to talk about. Words aren't his forte even if they are all attracted to his swimming.
"Did you pass your swimming tests?"
"Barely." There is a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Oh..."
"How is the program going?"
"The children are very cute, and they're very enthusiastic about everything we've tried so far. One was so excited, the girl started to cry when we had to stop for the day." There is a hint of a chuckle, but Makoto's tone soon turns solemn. "But when I walk around, there's still damage from the earthquake though it's been a few years already."
"Wow."
"Yeah." He takes a deep breath. "There are times I just want to run out and swim like we used to do in middle school."
"I know what you mean." Haruka's gaze turns towards the door.
Hearing his unspoken words, Makoto says, "Haruka, I'll be back home soon."
"I know. Why'd you have to say that?"
"So that you'll listen to me sometimes."
"I listen to you all the time."
Makoto pauses, but there is some whispering in the background. "I've got to go now. It's lights out soon."
"Yeah, see you soon."
"Good night."
"Night."
Stupid, when will you ever grow up? You have to learn to do some things without him.
He's too good for you, Haruka. Don't be so arrogant to think he'll keep holding your hand forever.
Putting the phone back, he goes back to eat as much as he can and washes the dishes.
Afterwards, he sits in the hot tub, looking at the ceiling and then closed his eyes, resting his head against the white wall.
Then, he puts on a dark purple t-shirt and black shorts, and sits in front of the computer that he and Makoto share. When he turns it on, he looks through the email box. There's a new message from Rei.
"Hello Haruka-sempai,
I am sure you have heard about the new program from Nagisa. It is very interesting and I am collecting lots of data that I would never have even thought about.
Our new menu now consists of weekly 'battles'. People voluntarily swim against each other and everyone observes giving feedback. It has worked out so far and even I've improved with my swimming.
So, how are you and Makoto-sempai doing?
Please give us a hint about any training techniques that you think would help. Or just give a hi so that we know you're taking care of yourself properly.
Well, I've attached some pictures for you to see. One is from the last tournament and also, did you see the article about Rin online? That's in there too.
Take care and hope everything is going well.
We are working hard until we can be together with you in Tokyo.
Until then,
Rei"
Looking at the their ecstatic faces, he was really glad that he had taken the time to create that swimming club even if they had pushed him to do it.
Suddenly when he's about to click to read the article, he remembers that he'd forgotten to get the mail.
He goes out and comes back to see that there is a little package with Rin's return address on it. He still likes to write letters.
"Hey you.
How's college in your side of the world? I wish you could be here with me. I look over at the other lanes and still forget that you and Sousuke aren't next to me. But it's all right. It is only a matter of time anyway.
I am waiting for you.
So far, my program is worse than before. When I was a kid, my confidence was wiped to the ground, but now, I can look at everyone in the eyes and not feel scared. I know we are equal so I can face them stronger than before. That lets me breathe easy even under pressure.
Are you liking Tokyo? It must be overwhelming because you realize our hometown is just a speck in the world. But that won't be for long. We will turn it around and make it watch us! Thinking about it makes me want to practice even more.
I dream every day of the time we'll be side by side at the Olympics.
By the way, I've sent you a little something. I hope you like it. I know it's a little girly, but when I saw it, I thought of you.
See you soon!
Later,
Rin"
Haruka takes the envelope into his hands and turns it upside down. A necklace comes out. It has a small, yet cute golden four leaf clover.
He cups it in his palm and makes a wish.
Haruka places it on the desk over the unfolded letter. His eyes are temporarily mesmerized by Rin's writing. In a way, he envies him.
That guy could cry and tell his feelings without the shame of appearing weak.
His words could always grab a hold of him and rip him as delicately and easily as a sheet of paper.
I am waiting for you.
Sitting in his chair, he answers both Nagisa's and Rei's emails before starting his homework. He goes through his books and papers until his eyes can no longer stay awake. He only gets up to click off the light.
Not even trying to fight against better judgment, he lies on Makoto's bed, hugging his pillow as the breeze consoles him. He could make the excuse that he was too tired if he's found out.
It still has his scent. That's good.
His legs and arms wrap around the pillow a little tighter.
Rin could pull me apart, but Makoto keeps me together. I don't want to grow up if it means that we have to be separated.
Until yesterday, I had never thought of a life where the sea would be far away from me, or that Makoto wasn't there with me.
His memories mingle in his mind like a watercolor collage of pictures that brought him scents and emotions buried in the middle of his personal abyss. He recalls the time he's spent with Makoto. It is as far as the first time he could remember anything at all.
Against the waves, he's been quietly there waiting for me.
Longer than Rin.
Longer than anyone.
I told you that I'd come here because you wanted me to, but it simply wasn't true.
I knew deep inside, it was me who couldn't let go of you at all.
Without meaning to, he cried silently and again drifted into his reveries.
########################################################
After changing, he walks to go into the kitchen but there is a click. He stops in the hallway to see the door open. Makoto comes in and tries to casually pretend everything's fine.
So I lied. His voice on the phone made me worried.
"Good morning, Haru! I finished my assignment so I came back earlier."
Haruka finds himself running to the genkan, wrapping his arms around Makoto's broad shoulders.
"Haru?"
If I am the water, Makoto is the sky.
"Is something wrong?" Makoto holds onto his bags not knowing what to do.
Haruka shakes his head in response.
Well, that was quite a greeting.
"I missed you too," Makoto says as he glances down at the top of Haruka's head.
Squeezing Makoto, Makoto becomes distressed. He only thinks to kiss him on the forehead, just like when they were little.
I was okay with Rin in Australia, waiting for Nagisa and Rei until they arrived…
…but two days without you was too much.
This time, Haruka doesn't dismiss his feelings with the usual quiet, seemingly disinterested expression. He reaches out for Makoto's face and touches his cheeks. Without warning, he kisses him while Makoto's eyes open widely in shock.
You are my air.
"What happened?"
His feelings bubble from the abyss into the surface.
"Not once in all these years did I say anything. And you said it to me over and over."
You just left for such a short trip and this happens. I'm an idiot…
"I'm sorry I took you for granted."
"What are you talking about? You-"
"And I never told you clearly."
"Told me what?" Makoto tilts his head and smiles, warmer than the second before.
"That I love you…"
Makoto's eyes began to blink incredulously, the impact of a tidal wave hitting in slow motion.
"…even more than the ocean."
He's so embarrassed and extremely grateful to whomever heard his prayers, putting his hand over his eyes so that Haruka can't see how weak he is against him.
Or how happy he is that he could die standing right there.
The bags drop to the floor.
"Don't die, Mako-chan!"
At that moment, he leaned down to kiss him.
"If you're not here, no one will swim with me!"
Makoto laughed at the cruel joke he played when they were five.
"Stupid!" Haruka had tears on his cheeks, burning with anger. "I thought you were dying!"
"I won't leave you until I die. I promise."
"Really? Not joking?"
"Yeah."
"Let's swear to it."
The waves lapped in agreement with them.
That night, Makoto stayed at Haruka's house. Even in separate futons, Haruka's fingertips held onto Makoto's pajama sleeves.
That was the very moment he knew he'd love Haruka for a long, long time.
After many years of patiently waiting, he'd accepted that it probably wouldn't happen. That while Haruka would always be close to him, there would come a time that he'd fall in love with someone and leave. Maybe Rin was more suited for him.
Makoto also closed his eyes not wanting to see that Rin was holding onto Haruka's collar so naturally.
"Rin!" Haruka shouted before they parted ways.
He'd been with him all this time, but he never got that kind of response out of Haruka.
Makoto told himself countless times that they'd be best friends, but nothing more than that, no matter what he did.
I kept on convincing myself, "It's okay. That promise was something made by children anyway. He wouldn't ever feel that strongly towards me. Lover or friend."
This is the first time Haruka's ever said it back to him. That he loves him.
These words envelop his heart. Madly. Completely. Thoroughly.
His whole body starts to shake as the tears drip onto the wooden floor.
This is a dream, isn't it? It can't possibly be true. If it is, please don't let me wake up.
I didn't know it'd be this wonderful to hear him say it to me.
Taking his hands away, Haruka stares at Makoto, watching tenderly.
I hadn't known that as warm as Makoto was, I was his insecurity.
Haru kisses his right eye.
Any kind of water. I love it in any form.
His lips touch the left one.
I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that the ocean has waves because of the wind.
Without it, the ocean can't be beautiful.
Or exist as it is.
For me, you are that wind.
Owari./The End.
Author's note: This fic was made for you. You know who you are.
If there is something small that I could do so that you'd believe that I'm okay with waiting, after all the things I said, I think this is it.
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!
Love,
Yui
8/19/2016 7:57 PM – Los Angeles
8/20/2016 11:57 AM – Tokyo