A/N: My first Castle fic! No spoilers except for a brief reference to "Knockdown." I want to take a quick moment to thank unilocular for the beta. *hugs* Thank you so much for your help and kindness.
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, nor any of its characters. If I did, I probably would have been a little better about keeping up with the show. And I'd give Kevin & Espo their own spin-off series now that Castle's run is complete. :)
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X
'It doesn't have to be this way, detective.'
Javier woke to the sound of someone shifting around near his bedside. He blinked rapidly as his eyes darted around the room, taking in the machinery, exit point and the room's other occupant. His heart rate refused to settle into a more sedate rhythm as past events caught up to him and memory failed to wash away the panic. He took several deep, slow breaths in an attempt to calm down, pulling at the IVs strapped to his hands when he tiredly rubbed his face. Contrary to the speed of his heart, the rest of him felt sluggish and muddled, clueing him in to the fact that drugs were still lingering in his bloodstream.
Sleep had been hard to come by this past night. The detox process was hardly relaxing when his body had woke him every hour with cramps or tremors. The nurses, though simply doing their jobs, didn't help with their frequent check-ups. Hallucinations, a wonderful side-effect of the drugs that had been brutally forced into his system, had left him paranoid and disturbed. And if waking nightmares weren't enough, there were the bad dreams that had plagued the meager sleep he was able to get.
'If you're gonna kill me, just do it…'
Kevin hadn't left his side since being found, suffering vicariously through each of his ailments, and patiently answering Javier's confused questions over and over as he struggled to separate reality from drug-induced fantasy. His partner had said very little through all of his ministrations, respecting Javier's intrinsic need to handle it on his own by projecting a perfect level of indifference, of all things.
Javier appreciated the effort to spare him some embarrassment.
Kevin hadn't been able to completely hide his mother-henning, of course, nor his concern… his partner had always been too easy to read. The physicians and nursing staff probably viewed his partner as stoic and perhaps even a little cold. Being a cop required a person to keep calm in the face of danger, whether that danger was a crack-head wielding a wrench or your partner thrashing and screaming at something only he could see.
It was only due to the years of serving so closely with Kevin that Javier was able to see just how much his condition was bothering his friend.
Javier remembered the small tremors in Kevin's hands as he held the emesis basin when the nausea was at its peak. He knew that the lines on his partner's forehead… the ones he held now, even in sleep… were caused by worry over Javier's weakened state. Yet through it all, Kevin had been his anchor, keeping a level head without complaint nor reprieve, refusing to leave Javier's side since he'd been rescued.
Based on the sunshine that streamed through the window, leaving patterned lines of warmth across his chest and legs, Javier figured that he'd finally been able to get at least a few hours of uninterrupted rest, and by default, Kevin as well. Yet sleep had not yet completely cured all which inflicted him and the overwhelming urge to move-run-escape was powerful. He smiled at Kevin's thoughtfulness to place himself between the door and Javier's bed… guard and protector against Javier's unseen fears.
Even in sleep, his partner still held a tension in his body that Javier knew meant that the slightest sound could wake him. So Javier climbed quietly off the bed, carefully removing each of the IVs, and silenced anything that looked like it would set off an alarm. Steadying himself with one hand on the bed, then the wall, he slowly made his way to the small bathroom.
Once inside, Javier eased the door shut behind him before turning on the lights and forcing himself to look in the mirror. He wasn't shocked by what he saw. Bruises. Cuts cleaned and expertly covered with butterfly bandages. Dark hollows beneath his tired eyes. Pale skin peeking out beneath day-old stubble. With a bone weary sigh, Javier turned away and stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain behind him just enough so that he could still see the bathroom door, and he sat down on the plastic medical seat within. He took a few deep breaths, frustrated with his continued struggle to regain his equilibrium.
Javier shifted in his seat and turned on the water, not able to hide the flinch as it first hit his back.
A rag was placed over his face. The bucket of water that followed was not unexpected, but he strained against his restraints, holding his breath as he was taught. ('Look at this boys… Special Forces training at its finest…')
Resting his arms on his knees and hanging his head, Javier watched in detached interest as the water dripped down his body, catching some of the lingering blood from the torn IVs on his hands, before it swirled into the drain. The hypnotic motion did nothing to ease his racing heart, but he still felt better having his panic attack away from his sleeping partner. He owed Kevin that much.
Time slowed. Occasionally Javier would twist around to adjust the temperature of the water, but even that was ignored after a while. Hallucination and memory conjoined until they were no longer distinguishable. He couldn't stop his eyes from repetitively flicking from the floor, to the bathroom door, and back again. Logically, he knew he was safe. He knew that the twenty eight hours he'd spent at the mercy of madmen with an outlandish vendetta against the law had come to an end.
Yet instincts refused to abate, and he needed that possible escape route. He needed that reassurance that no one would get the drop on him again… the embarrassment at being caught unawares, dragged away, knocked unconscious, only to sluggishly wake up to find that something was terribly wrong. It hadn't taken too much time to figure out that something foreign was snaking through his bloodstream, the realization coming long before the men had taunted him with the knowledge.
The taunts.
The drugs.
The torture.
Slipping out of his restraints, struggling against three bulky men who may not have had his level of training, but had enough muscle and weight to throw around… taking a swing at the closest one, feeling the pain as his knuckles collided with a strong jaw…
Over the noise of his ragged breathing, Javier heard the door to the bathroom open.
"Javi?" When he didn't answer, Kevin took it up on himself to fling open the shower curtain. Javier looked over in time to see a look of relief wash over his partner's face before it quickly morphed into one of vexed acceptance. "You're still in your gown."
Javier looked down at himself. "Oh," he said lamely. "I, uh, guess I forgot where I was." The 'again' went unsaid.
"Okay." Kevin nodded slowly. "Are you all right?"
"I know where I am now."
Kevin crouched down and balanced on his heels, surveying Javier with narrowed eyes. He let himself be looked over, vaguely aware that he didn't really answer Kevin's question. They were silent for a long while. Javier watched as fine spray from the shower fell on his partner's trousers, the small droplets quickly turning into larger spots as the water seeped into the fabric. Kevin, however, didn't back away, nor did he complain.
Javier shook his head in confusion. Kevin was always careful to keep up his appearance. "You're getting wet."
"Yeah, well, so are you," Kevin pointed out with a small gesture back at him.
"But…" Javier halted, not even sure what he was about to say or why he was arguing. His eyes flicked over to the open door and the shadows of the darkened hospital room beyond.
'You think you're better than us? Well you aren't, ya pig.'
Kevin reached out and put a hand over one of Javier's clenched fists and he startled at the unexpected pain the contact caused. Frowning at the wall in front of him, Javier noticed faint bloody streaks being quickly washed away by the shower's spray. Looking down, he saw that he'd reopened the cuts on his knuckles, the bright red blood a conspicuous contrast to his clenched fists beneath.
He shook his head… he didn't even remember hitting the wall.
He shivered against the sudden cold, wrapping his arms tight around his body for warmth and tucking his injured hand into his side.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, barely making eye contact with Kevin before his gaze flicked back up to the door.
Kevin shook his head and reluctantly pulled away, rocking back again to give his partner a semblance of space and muttering something about unnecessary apologies. The detective didn't ask what had happened, or if he needed help, nor did he offer to call a nurse. He simply sighed audibly, rubbing one hand over his own face (the first real indication of his own exhaustion that Javier had seen), before following Javier's gaze to the room just over his own shoulder.
Nodding to himself, Kevin reached back and shut the door before settling down on the cold, damp floor, leaning one shoulder against the bathroom wall.
"Okay," Kevin said again, his blue eyes startlingly clear as they locked with Javier's gaze briefly before sliding shut.
Javier stared at his friend as he sat between him and the door, a vigilant sentinel against Javier's inner demons. Too soon, the image of his partner blurred into faded memory and vivid hallucination.
'It's too bad we didn't grab your lil' partner, too.'
He wrapped his arms tightly around his chest as his whole body shook. He must have made a small sound of some sort because Kevin's eyes popped back open. Their gazes locked for just a moment before Kevin stood and walked out of the bathroom. Javier frowned, so unsure of why… but Kevin returned seconds later with a towel in one hand and a folded hospital gown in the other.
"Alright, let's go," Kevin said, setting the gown in the sink and holding the towel open. Javier raised an eyebrow at him. Kevin rolled his eyes. "Suck it up, tough guy."
Javier huffed out a laugh, reaching around him to turn the water off before standing and shuffling out of the shower. Kevin discretely worked around the gown clinging to Javier's body, using the coarse towel to mop up around the drenched detective.
"You don't…" Javier began, trying and failing to snag the towel out of Kevin's hands, but his partner cut him off with a gentle hand to his shoulder.
"Stop it," he said softly, giving Javier's shoulder a gentle squeeze before settling the towel around his shoulders. "Can you, uh, manage the rest on your own?" Kevin asked, gesturing first to the towel, then to the folded gown on the sink. "I told Beckett I'd check in with her once you were a bit more lucid."
He waited for Javier's nod before leaving, pulling the door shut with a soft click behind him. Javier turned toward the sink and grabbed the dry gown, balling the cotton between his fingers as his gaze flicked back up to the mirror and his ragged reflection. His shoulders slumped slightly as he once again took in his reflection.
"Javier?"
Kevin's voice sounded far away and Javier snapped his head around to look at the closed door.
"Sorry, I was…" What? What had just happened? Losing time was never good… "What did you say?"
"I was asking if you needed help in there," Kevin repeated, the small amount of humor in his voice not entirely successful in superseding the concern.
"Oh, uh," Javier fumbled a moment, hating how unbalanced he still felt. Looking down, Javier quickly relocated the dry gown and pulled it on over his cooling body. Hastily checking to make sure the back was secure and he wasn't going to give his partner a show, he opened the door to find Kevin quickly taking a step back, his hands by his sides in a way that seemed casual and loose, but Javier could tell was quite deliberate.
"I'm good," Javier managed a smile as he handed over his dripping gown. Kevin helpfully accepted the garment, tossing toward the corner of the room where it landed with an embarrassing squelching noise. "What now?" He still felt a little lost. Or maybe he was just tired. He couldn't bring himself to look at Kevin.
"Well, I managed to calm the nurse on duty. She wasn't too thrilled with you pulling your IVs out."
"Oh." Javier smiled sheepishly at the floor.
"Also got some stuff for your hand." Out of the corner of his eye, Javier could see Kevin gesturing to his bed, and when he turned to look, found some gauze, tape and cream in a pile atop of his blankets. "She wasn't thrilled about that either. Shall we?"
Javier let Kevin lead him over to the bed. He sat on the edge as Kevin pulled a chair over and sat directly in front of Javier, ready with the supplies to clean and wrap his hand. At Javier's sharp intake of breath, Kevin inched the chair over to his left, offering up a small smile when Javier immediately relaxed at his reinstated view of the door.
For a while they sat in silence, the only sound coming from the ripping of the sterile packet wrappers and Kevin's quiet apologies during the rare moments that Javier let a sound of discomfort slip.
"I can't help thinking about Lockwood," Kevin whispered.
Javier was taken aback by the abrupt topic. There were few things that the two of them never discussed, but Lockwood was one of those things. Sensing there was more of an explanation coming, Javier remained silent as he watched Kevin expertly clean his knuckles.
"Afterwards, I, uh…" Kevin cleared his throat, tossing one bloody pad aside before reaching for another. "I saw someone. The department shrink."
"We both did," Javier reminded him.
"Yeah, but I kept going."
Javier's eyes snapped up. "I didn't know that."
Kevin shrugged, his eyes deliberately cast downward. "Didn't tell you. I didn't want you to know."
Questions immediately flooded Javier's mind. Why didn't you want me to know? Why keep that a secret? Did you think I would think any less of you? Instead what came out was, "You said you were fine."
"I know I did." Kevin swallowed hard but finally met Javier's gaze. "I wasn't."
Thinking back, Javier tried to recall those first few hours, and days, after Beckett and Castle and saved them from Lockwood and his men. There had been a brief trip to the emergency room for Kevin to be sure all of the water had been cleared from his lungs, but there had been no sign then that his partner had been struggling. The visit with the department shrink had been a mandatory session, ordered by Montgomery himself, and he and Kevin had endured it quickly and with little fuss. He could not remember Kevin showing any indication that something was wrong.
What kind of partner did that make Javier if he missed that?
"Kev, I'm sorry. I had no idea."
Kevin offered up a small smile. "I know." Silence fell again as Kevin carefully began to wrap Javier's hand. Once he was satisfied, he secured it with the medical tape and leaned back in his chair.
"I'm sorry," Javier said again. "I should've known. I-"
"That's not…" Kevin interrupted, trailing off with a soft sigh. "I didn't tell you because I'm mad or want an apology."
"Then why?"
"Because I know what people see when they look at us."
Javier's hand twitched under his partner's ministrations, because… "What?"
"Javi, c'mon, don't make me…"
"I honestly have no idea what you are talking about."
Kevin sighed when it was clear that Javier wasn't going to help him out any. "You're the… I'm the… Okay, okay." Kevin took another deep breath. "I'm the weak one. I'm seen as the pushover."
Javier opened his mouth to protest, but Kevin cut him off. "You know it's true. But that's okay. It's really okay. I know what I'm capable of. And I know what you're capable of. You are the strongest person I've ever met. But you don't have to be."
"Kev, I –"
"What I'm trying to say is that you don't always have to be. You know… strong. In front of me."
Javier shook his head. Sure, they often played off of Kevin's leaner stature when dealing with a suspect, but Javier always got a kick out of it when a thug underestimated his partner and paid the price for their stupidity. And yes, more often than not, Javier was the first person through the door during a raid, but that didn't mean he thought his partner was weak or needed protection.
And just because Javier was trying to mask his inner turmoil from his ordeal didn't mean he was putting up a front of bravery or anything… he was just… He… Well, he certainly didn't want to talk about it, and he was really good at deflection.
"That still doesn't explain why you didn't tell me before now."
Kevin shrugged. "I guess I was scared that you'd start to see me like other people do."
Javier snorted. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, bro."
"I didn't say it was logical," Kevin retorted, but it was said with a smile.
Javier smiled back. He shifted a little on the bed, pulling at some of the bruises on his chest and he was unable to hide a wince.
Kevin noticed and stood from his chair and put a supportive hand on Javier's elbow. "C'mon. Lay back and get some more sleep."
Javier's immediate instinct was to wave off Kevin's help, but with their conversation and Kevin's words still ringing in his mind, he allowed his friend to lean him back and adjust the bed's height until he was comfortable. He threw in a glare when Kevin started fluffing the pillows, though.
"I'm not tired," he complained.
"Of course you aren't. Now, if you behave and don't pull out your IV lines again, I'll see if I can get you some Jell-O," Kevin said with a smirk.
Javier's glare softened as his eyes began to close. "As long as it's cherry. None of that lemon crap."
The End.