Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. Dr. Ivana D. Vorce and Mr. Happysmileyman belong to Professor Cassandra. I have her permission to use them. Also I don't own any of the HP characters (obviously). So enjoy!
Therapy Buddies
In the office of Dr. I. D. Vorce, it was chaos.
"Ugh," said Dr. Vorce. "Why do sessions with the Lestranges always turn out this way?" She was huddled under her scorched desk, all her hard-earned expensive diplomas incinerated.
A pasty faced, bald man strode into the room followed by a ratty looking, watery-eyed, short man.
"I am Lord Voldemort," he announced to her in a voice that suggested he thought he was "da bomb".
"M-master," stuttered the squat man, "must we really-,"
"Quiet, Wormtail!" scolded Voldemort, advancing on him menacingly.
"Hello, I am-," started Dr. Vorce.
"I know who you are," Voldemort interrupted, turning around. "You are Dr. I. D. Vorce, the most famous therapist in all of London. We require your valuable, and hopefully cheap, assistance."
"You can call me Ivana," she said. "Also there's no need for flattery, and I'm not cheap."
"See master, I told you she wouldn't give us a free-," Wormtail started.
"Wormtail, if you say one more word, I shall return to Draco the Malibu Barbie that he lent you," shouted Voldemort, pointing a stick of wood at the little man.
"B-but I'm not done with it!" whined Wormtail.
"Clearly there's a superiority complex here," stated Dr. Vorce.
"You're telling me," Wormtail whispered under his breath. Voldemort was too entranced by his reflection in a mirror to notice.
"You do know I'm a marriage councilor, right?" asked Dr. Vorce. Neither man answered her. "What is your name again?" she asked Wormtail.
"Oh, I- I'm Peter P-Pettigrew," he replied, glancing over at Voldemort to see if he was listening. He wasn't.
"Gives friend demeaning nickname," Ivanna muttered as she scribbled on a clipboard.
"Demeaning? Hmm, I-I never thought of it t-that way," said Wormtail.
"What's that? I thought I heard Wormtail thinking for himself!" said Voldemort, returning his attention to the room's occupants.
"Sir, I think you should let Mr. Pettigrew talk," said Dr. Vorce, giving Voldemort a teacher-like stare. She turned towards Wormtail. "Please continue."
"Well, it all started with my friends from Hogwarts."
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted Dr. Vorce.
"Yes?" boomed Voldemort, who was used to all his servants, I mean Death Eaters, calling him master and sir.
"No, I was talking to Mr. Pettigrew," stated Ivanna. "Did you say Hogwarts? Clearly you've been watching too much Harry Potter."
"W-well, Lord Voldemort does make us watch it quite a lot to learn battle tactics."
"Hmmm, makes friends watch movies until they are brainwashed," wrote Dr. Vorce on her clipboard, muttering the whole time. Voldemort didn't hear this, fortunately, because he had pulled a teddy bear out from under his robes and was stroking it fondly.
"Oh, Mr. Happysmileyman, you are so much cooler than Wormtail, yes you are. Who's a cool dark teddy? Who's an awesome dark teddy?" he cooed, blowing raspberries into the bear's stomach.
Dr. Vorce pulled her glasses down to the bottom of her nose, and peered at Voldemort intently. She muttered a "Hmmm" and continued to write furiously on her paper. Wormtail was staring at the teddy with a longing look in his eyes, as if he wished he were the one Voldemort was cuddling...
"Ahem," Dr. Vorce said, pulling Wormtail's attention back to her. "So, Mr. Pettigrew, how did you meet Mr. Mort?"
"Oh, you must call him Lord Voldemort. But..." Wormtail wheezed a pitiful giggle. "his real name is Tom Riddle." He spoke in a whisper, as Voldemort had returned his attention to the occupants in the room.
"Speak up Wormtail, I can't hear you! Oh, and go get my iPod from the car, I'm having JoBro withdrawls."
"Yes, master."
"Also, Mr. Happysmileyman requires a soy latte. Go to Starbucks and make sure Bellatrix doesn't follow you there. I know she's watching us from the window as we speak."
"LOVE YA, VOLDYPOO!" screeched a voice from outside.
"Yes, quite." replied Voldemort, looking smug. Wormtail dragged himself out of the room, clearly disappointed that he wouldn't get to finish his first real conversation in years.
"Now," Voldemort boomed. "You shall talk to the awesomeness that is me, the mighty Lord Voldemort, the one who defeated even the most evil dude in the world, Elmo!"
Dr. Vorce looked unsettled. "Did you say, Elmo?"
"Um, well, you see..." Voldemort stammered, and then pointed behind her, "Look, a purple monkey!"
She didn't turn around. "So, Voldemort,"
"That's Mr. Mort to you, blondie."
Dr. Vorce straighted her blond updo and cleared her throat. "I've heard much about you from Mrs. Lestrange."
"Who?"
She rolled her eyes. "Bellatrix."
"Oh, her." said Voldemort. "I just keep her around to make me feel better about myself. Constant compliments can do wonders for an inferiority complex, you know."
"Interesting," murmured Dr. Vorce. "Did you know she's a married woman?"
"Well, duh! I was the one that told her to get married in the first place! I picked Rodolphus out and told her to propose to him."
"Why?" asked the doctor, with a shocked expression on her usually blank face.
"Because I wanted to have an excuse for not dating her. Which hasn't worked out so well..." Voldemort trailed off.
"Forces friends into commitments, and clearly has a superiority complex." the ridiculously over-paid therapist said as she wrote.
"Uh, no, that's inferiority. You misspelled it." Volders corrected, grabbing her clipboard. Dr. Vorce just stared at him emotionlessly.
"I'll fix it later," she said, slowly pulling the clipboard out of his hands as if he were a naughty child. "Now, I want to introduce you to someone..."
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Three hours later...
Wormtail walked out of the Starbucks holding a large drink. I can't believe I'm getting coffee for a teddy bear. I think Tom has lost his marbles. Tom... hehe. I love calling him that. Wormtail passed a playground and stopped. I should probably free Bellatrix... He found her right where he left her. Her butt was hexed to a slide, forcing each kid's foot to hit her backside violently every time they went down.
"WORMTAIL YOU ARE SO DEAD WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!!"
Maybe not, he thought, getting out of there as fast as he could.
As Wormtail got back to the therapy building, he stopped at the newly christened bright orange "Voldewagon". He grabbed Voldemort's iPod that had a Hannah Montana skin on it, and checked to make sure the battery was full. He didn't want to have to endure the Cruciatus Curse for a sixth time today.
Wormtail entered the room, and he found Voldemort clutching a blue stuffed toy. Volders was rubbing its head and squeezing its hand. "Hear my words," the toy said in a soothing voice. "Everything is going to be all right. Believe it."
"Oh Therapy Buddy! I do believe you! Everything will be alright!"
"M-master? What are you doing?"
"Oh Wormtail! I love you! Everything is going to be alright! You're the best servant ever!" Voldemort's eyes were wide with... happiness?!
"This is my bestest buddy in the whole wide world, Wormtail! His name is Therapy Buddy!"
The toy was an alien-looking thing with plush light blue cloth on it. It looked soft and cuddly, but Wormtail saw that it was pure evil.
"Master, where is Dr. Vorce?" Wormtail asked.
"Oh, the nice doctor lady who introduced me to this little guy? The mothership came and picked her up. She said something about 'taking over the world with hypnotizing technology'." Voldemort emphasized with air quotes. "Heehee, whatever that means, Therapy Buddy! Who's a good alien? Who's my best buddy?"
Wormtail had backed into a corner, staring around wildly. What had happened to the evil master Wormtail knew and loved? All of a sudden, a small furry thing poked its head out of Voldemort's robes. It was Mr. Happysmileyman!
"What the-" he boomed in a deep voice that didn't fit his teddiness. "No alien is pushing its way into my plan to win Bellatrix's love! And for that plan, I need the moron called Voldemort!" The teddy bear grabbed Therapy Buddy around the neck and started wrestling it to the ground. As soon as the evil alien hypnotizing toy left Voldemort's grasp, he snapped out of it.
"Wormtail, what the crap?!" he shouted, stunned. Therapy Buddy had come alive, its eyes glowing an evil red color, and the two toys were now rolling around on the ground.
Voldemort never got an answer from Wormtail, as he had fainted dead away on the floor. A loud ripping sound echoed through the room. Mr. Happysmileyman had ripped Therapy Buddy to shreds.
"That takes care of that," he said in his deep voice. The teddy bear jumped back into Voldy's robes and became still, as if nothing had happened.
Voldemort was just really creeped out, so he levitated Wormtail out of the room (bumping his head on several doorjambs in the process) and proceeded to the nearest Starbucks to enjoy a white chocolate mocha.
The End