Love is Blind
Part 1
Chapter One
A few days after Augustus' funeral, I was lying on the sofa, thinking about why Gus had to die, and not me. He didn't deserve it. He had people who loved him. He had Hazel.
Mom had just taken Graham to see some stupid kid's movie, based on retro video games.
"Everyone knows movies about video games suck", I tried to tell my Mom. In all honesty, I think I just wanted someone to keep me company.
Fortunately, someone knocked on my door a little after Mom and Graham had left. I could sense it was Hazel; the sound of her oxygen machine and rattled breathing, the smell of her coconut shampoo.
"My Mom took Graham to a movie", I said.
"We should do something".
"Can the something be play blind guy video games while sitting on the couch?" I asked.
"Yeah, that's just the kind of something I have in mind."
We sat and played counterinsurgence for next two hours, trying to navigate the labyrinth. But it wasn't the same without Gus, sacrificing himself, dying in heroic, romantic ways. I could tell Hazel was thinking the same thing, so we tried to amuse ourselves.
Hazel: "Touch the cave wall."
Computer: "You touch the cave wall. It is moist."
Me: "Lick the cave wall."
Computer: "I do not understand. Repeat?"
Hazel: "Hump the moist cave wall."
Computer: "You attempt to jump. You hit your head."
Me: "Not jump. HUMP."
Computer: "I don't understand."
Me: "Dude, I've been alone in the dark in this cave for weeks and I need some relief. HUMP THE CAVE WALL."
Computer: "You attempt to ju-"
Hazel: "Thrust pelvis against the cave wall."
Computer: "I do not-"
Me: "Make sweet love to the cave."
Computer: I do not-"
Hazel: "FINE. Follow left branch."
Computer: "You follow left branch. The passage narrows."
Hazel: "Crawl."
Computer: "You crawl for One hundred yards. The passage narrows."
Hazel: "Snake Crawl."
Computer: "You snake crawl for thirty yards. A trickle of water runs down your body. You reach a mound of small rocks blocking the passage way."
Hazel: "Can I hump the cave now?"
Computer: "You cannot jump without standing."
Me: "I dislike living in a world without Augustus Waters."
Computer: "I don't understand-"
Me: "Me neither. Pause."
I dropped the remote onto the couch between Hazel and I. I was silent before a moment, before asking, "Do you know if it hurt or whatever?"
I was worried about what the answer was going to be. Hazel knows what it's like to be dying, unlike me. My cancer was never really life threatening.
"He was really fighting for breath, I guess." She said. "He eventually went unconscious, but it sounds like, yeah, it wasn't great or anything. Dying sucks."
"Yeah," I said. Not that I really knew. I knew all to well what it was like to be in pain and feel like you're dying, but not to actually know I'm going to die for ages beforehand. I sighed. "It just seems so impossible."
"Happens all the time," She said, as if I didn't know.
"You seem angry," I observed.
"Yeah." I listened to the sound her breathing. I wished I could see her eyes, which I assumed were hazel. It must've been why Mr and Mrs Lancaster named her Hazel. I could just tell from the tension in the air, she was thinking about Gus. I knew Gus would be thinking of her from heaven, or wherever he was.
"Gus really loved you, you know," I told her.
"I know."
"He wouldn't shut up about it," I smiled.
"I know."
"It was annoying," I said, breaking into a grin, remembering the good times.
"I didn't find it that annoying," She said.
"Did he ever give you that thing he was writing?"
"What thing?"
"That sequel or whatever to that book you liked."
She shuffled in her seat, most likely turning to face me. Her voice was full of hope and excitement.
"What?"
"He was working on something for you but he wasn't that good of writer."
"When did he say this?"
I sighed. "I don't know. Like, after he got back from Amsterdam at some point."
"At which point?" She pressed. I had no idea, but I could tell it meant a lot to her.
"Um... Um, I don't know. We talked about it over here, like, uh, we played with my email machine, I'd just got an email from my Grandmother. (We made her have a sexy Latin man's voice. It was hilarious.) I can check the machine if you-" She agreed straight away, but there was nothing there, so she left for the Waters' house.
I listened in her direction as she walked off to her parents' minivan,I could hear her open the door and climb in. Just as I was about to turn around and close the door, I heard a blaring sound, a rap music in a foreign language. I didn't think Hazel or her parents had that taste in music, but how was I to know, so I shook it off.
Mom came back with Graham not long after, and made me dinner. Nowadays, I can barely make myself toast, or put a ready-meal in the microwave. To be honest, I wasn't the greatest chef in the old days.
I remembered receiving a D in my last Home Ec class. I mixed the sugar with salt one to many times.
I last went to school 6 months before. I didn't have the best of vision back then, seeing as I only had one eye, but at least I could see.
Senior year was to begin in a month, it was July 12th.
I decided to speak to my Mom about this matter.
"I want to go to school," I announced to my Mom over dinner. I could hear Graham snicker, and Mom sigh.
"We've been over this, Isaac. It's going to be very hard for you back at IBHS-" began Mom.
"Well, I'll go to Redwood!" Redwood was the other high school in the area, a 5 minutes walk away from Memorial.
The kids there weren't really friends with the IBHS kids, but at that point I didn't really care.
"Why can't you just wait til College?" Mom asked. "You've already been accepted to Lincoln."
"I want to go to school," I whined.
Mom sighed. "If that's really what you want..."
Three days later, Eleven days after Gus died, I got a phone call.
I was in the kitchen with a tutor from Redwood at the time.
I hurried around trying to find my cell phone.
"Where is it?" I cried. The tutor handed it to me.
"This is the type of thing we have to work on," she said.
I shook my head and answered the phone.
"Hi, Isaac here, speaking?"
"Support group Hazel not Monica," a voice said. "I'm coming to pick you up in 5 minutes."
I quickly agreed and put on some cologne. There was a new girl in support group who had a very attractive voice, and I wanted to impress her. I think I went a little overboard with the perfume because Graham kindly pointed out that I stunk.
"Screw off," I told him, then my Mom took me out to the minivan.
The Hectic Glow's new album, which was leaked 3 weeks early was playing at full volume. If I had eyes, I think I would've be crying. Gus would never be able to hear it.
Hazel told me that Mr and Mrs Waters had found a notebook with missing pages in the magazine rack beside Gus' hospital bed. She thought it might be at the Literal Heart of Jesus, maybe left there on the day of the Pre-Funeral.
We took the elevator. Hazel guided me towards a seat it The Circle of Trust. I didn't resist, as much as I wanted to.
For Twenty minutes, I sat in silence, listening to Hazel's struggled breathing and cursing when she didn't find any evidence of the sequel.
She sat down next to me, clearly out of breath, when the teenagers of varied stages of illness began to file in. I could hear the Attractive Voiced Girl talking to Lida, whose voiced I recognized.
Patrick recounted his tale of ballessness for the thousandth time, before talking about Gus.
"I'm sorry to inform you that our dear friend Augustus Waters died after a lengthy battle with cancer just over a week ago." No, I thought,, he died after a lengthy battle with human consciousness. I laughed a little. That was something Gus himself had said, not that I really understood.
Patrick then began talking to Hazel, asking how she was doing.
"I wish I would just die, Patrick. Do you ever wish you could just die?" Asked Hazel.
I thought about how Hazel was going to die, in the near future, and when her lungs did, inevitably stop working, I would, as selfish as it sounds, have no friends.
Suddenly, Hazel asked me to talk. I stood up and began talking about True Love. I have no idea why, maybe because of Hazel and Gus, maybe because of Mom and Dad, maybe because of Monica and I.
"I believe what Hazel and Gus had was love. Not lust, or fancy, but true, pure, love. And I thought, a few months ago, that I was in love. But then I was a part of Hazel and Gus' love story and knew, whatever I had with Mon-Monica was not true love. It's pretty difficult when two of your best friends are in love. Thank God I was blind and didn't have to witness it." That earned a nervous laugh. I heard Attractive Voiced Girl's laugh, not at all how I thought it would sound. It was loud and happy, like Father Christmas' or something.
"But, no, I do believe in true love. But I don't want to fall in love without Gus. Because I want to annoy the hell out of him he did to me about Hazel."
I sat down then, letting someone else speak. Nor I or Hazel spoke for the rest of the session, until she took me to the car.
The rest of the month was a flurry of getting me nicer clothes, notebooks, pens, and these terrible pair of shoes and learning to be blind. I couldn't see then, of course, but I could feel the awful shape of them.
Sometimes I'm glad I'm blind, but then I remember how hard the rest of my life is going to be, then go back to wishing I could see again.
Chapter 2
On Monday the 13th, I was dressed in a button up shirt and jeans, and the dreaded shoes. According to my Mom, I looked very handsome. I was very uncomfortable, and could tell I looked hideous.
My Mom took me to the car, and got in the driver's seat herself. I missed being able to drive.
It took ten minutes to get to Redwood. My Mom steered me towards a room, which I guessed was the Principal's office.
"Hello, Isaac", said the Principal, very loud and very slowly, as if I was deaf, not blind. "Welcome to Redwood. Here is your timetable, it's in braille as well, so don't worry." He handed me a small slip of laminated paper.
"I'm Professor Granger." He was definitely a guy. He had a deep, gravelly, vaguely British voice. "Elizabeth, Harry and Dakota will guide you around your classes."
My Mom left then, and the principal, leaving me with Elizabeth, Harry and Dakota.
"Hey." A deep, English voice greeted. "I'm Harry. 17. Moved to Indianapolis from London 2 years ago for Ellie's treatment." I heard a little movement and a curse. "And yeah, she's my little sister."
"By 3 minutes," A voice said. I realized with a shock it was Attractive Voiced Girl. "Hi, Isaac, I'm Ellie. Please do not call me Elizabeth. I know you already, though you probably don't remember." She paused for a second, then lowered her voice. "You're very inspirational." She said softly, only a whisper.
"Ooooh, Ellie has a cru-ush," Harry teased.
"Shut up, Potter." A family joke, I figured. I was coming to grips with two voices already, when another girl introduced herself.
"Hi. I'm Dakota. Lived in Indianapolis all my life, actually. Dad's a doctor. Mom's a nurse, actually. Dad treated you, actually. I'm 18 in a few weeks, actually. You should come." She handed me a slip of paper. "Oh, you can't read it. Sorry." She snatched it back.
"Please excuse Dakota. She's a friend of the family. Amazing dancer, if only she'd get on stage," Ellie said. Harry interrupted.
"Come on, Isaac, mate. First subject is P.E. Not my forte, but hopefully I can sit out with you."
Dakota and Ellie said goodbye to us and agreed to meet at lunch.
On the way to P.E, Harry tried to make small talk.
"How long have you been, er, without sight?"
"Must be hard."
"Ellie hasn't stopped going on about you since Wednesday."
I think I must've blushed then, as he chuckled.
"Shut up," I muttered. "I've sworn off girls."
"What about guys?" He asked. I could've sworn he was flirting with me, but you can never be sure when you can't see their face.
I had to sit out for P.E, unsurprisingly. I tripped when I ran. I couldn't aim; Gus could second that. I never really liked it in the old days either, so I didn't really mind.
Harry sat with me, telling me about the school.
"Ellie is one of the most popular girls in school. She's captain of all the girls' teams. She's never without a boyfriend," He had a sound of bitterness in his voice. "They're all dickheads." He chuckled then and told me about Dakota.
"She's Ellie's Best Friend. Also my Mom's best friends with her Mom," He said. He spoke very quickly, it didn't really suit his accent. "Dakota likes dancing, she is amazing. But she won't perform in front of an audience. Also, she's lesbian," He laughed a bit then. "Who could only like girls?" I was going to point out I only liked girls, but stopped myself.
"So..." I started. "What do you all look like, honestly."
"Ellie is tall, tanned, curvy, no hair anymore, unfortunately, deep brown eyes."
"Dakota is tall, black, skinny with very confusing eyes. I still can't tell whether they are brown, or blue, or gray, or green. And she has a short black bob." He stopped then, maybe watching the game of basketball.
"And what about you?" I asked after a moment.
"Me?"
"Yes. You."
"I'm average height, average weight, brown hair, brown eyes. I'm very pale though, I guess. And I wear glasses. Average."
We didn't talk for the rest of the lesson, or the lesson after that, which was Math. I used braille to read, which I'm still getting used to, and a scribe- this kindly old woman. In the lunch queue, we met up with Ellie and Dakota. We all said hi, got our food and went and sat at a table.
"So, Ellie, Dakota, how was your day?" I asked, in no particular direction.
"Oh, they aren't here. They're sat on Table 1."
"Table 1?" I asked.
"Table 1 is for the popular kids. The jocks, the cheerleaders. And Dakota." A girl's voice informed me.
"And we are sat on what Table?"
"Table 12," Harry told me.
"That's good or bad?"
"Second to Worst," The girls' voice laughed.
"And what's the worst?"
"13. No-one sits there, though."
"So, we're the worst."
"Basically." It took a while for this to sink in.
"Why are we the worst?"
"We aren't jocks, band geeks, drama geeks, punks, goths, gamers, book nerds or fashionistas," Said the girl.
"We're just us. 12 never stays the same for long. Kaitlyn's been here a year or so. She dates jocks, and punks, and band geeks, and she is a fashionista, but she had a little falling out with them."
"Little?" Kaitlyn gasped, outraged. "Little?"
Harry ignored her. "And that guy there, joined today. What's your name?"
"He doesn't speak. He's mute," Kaitlyn told us. "Name yet to be confirmed."
We sat in silence for a few moments.
"So, darling, What's your social life like,?" Asked Kaitlyn. She seemed like the type of person who had a very large one.
"Limited," I replied. "I have Hazel, I guess. But my best friend, Gus, died a month and a bit ago-"
"HAZEL?!" Screeched Kaitlyn. She coughed. "Hazel Grace Lancaster?"
"Yeah..."
"And Augustus Waters?"
"Yeah..."
"Hazel is one of my best friends!"
The bell rang, signifying 4th period.
Harry grabbed my arm. "Yeah, Yeah, It's a small world. Now Come on."
"Why did we have to leave so quickly?" I asked.
"Kaitlyn will keep you chatting for decades." I nodded and walked along to 4th period. Dakota was going to be with me the rest of the day. She was a nice girl, I guess. She didn't talk much, but when she did it was a senseless babbling most of the time. She liked music and dancing and art, from what I can pick up.
Chapter 3
By the end of 2 weeks, I had made 5 friends: Harry, Ellie, Dakota, Kaitlyn and Unnamed Mute. I'd decide he was my friend because we sat next to each other in Double Math and Lunch, and he was in Gifted Tech, along with Harry.
Dakota, Harry and UM were all in Band, so I'd decided to tag along with my keyboard. Harry played Alto Saxophone, Dakota the flute and UM had an electric guitar, which was ironic, really, as it was the noisiest instrument in Band. Kaitlyn's boyfriend was a member as well, so she came with us. Ellie, apparently, wrote the music, so she came too.
Kaitlyn was giving me a running commentary. In fact, she'd spent the last fortnight doing that.
"So, we are going in to the Band room, ran by Ms Wilson. She's in her twentie-" Kaitlyn was cut off by Ellie.
"At least she tells us that." Everyone laughed.
"Yes, Ellie dear, she does look minimum sixty. She's short, very short, barely 5 foot. But with her heels, she's minimum 5 foot 6. I wish I was bold enough to wear open-toed shoes." Kaitlyn made a shivery sound. "Ugh. Oh look, it's Sebastian. He's my boyfriend. He's absolutely adorable. He plays the guitar, you see. Seb!" She called to her boyfriend and ran off. I could hear kissing noises.
"Thank the lord I can't see," I laughed, mildly disgusted. Then I remembered it was only 4 months ago, I was like that. I must've looked sad, because UM patted my shoulder. I could tell it was him, as he was very skinny and bony, too much.
"It's okay, mate," comforted Harry.
I'd been to Band twice by that time already, and as the only pianist, I had first chair. It wasn't as difficult as it sounds, playing the keyboard blind. I had braille labels on each of the keys, but I didn't even use them.
My hands glided effortlessly over the keys. I played, and played until my fingers hurt. I played, and played until I could no longer here the music, just hoping for the best. I played, and I played for hours and hours, days and days, weeks and wee- "Isaac!"
"Isaac, dear!"
"Can you hear us?"
I woke up with a start, on a coarse, carpeted floor.
"Where am I?"
"Band. You're in the Band room," said Ellie, gently.
"You were amazing!" Exclaimed Dakota.
"Astounding!" continued Kaitlyn.
"A little too great," said Harry gravely. "You got so worked up, you passed out."
"We can only hope you'll be fine for Saturday!" Saturday was the talk of the school, the event of the century. No-one has stopped talking about it since I got there, really. Dakota wasn't one of the popular kids, but she was Ellie's best friend, so she gets a quick pass to popular-kidom, and her eighteenth, which was the next day, was going to be massive. Every kid in school had been invited. Including me.
"I'm going to stay here for a bit," I announced at four. I decided I could walk to the school reception and get my Mom to pick me up when I'd practiced some more.
I played for a bit more, then finally the dam broke. All the things I've been letting well up inside me for the last four months, came gushing out into a river of sounds. I was sobbing and laughing and playing at the same time. I was a wreck.
I finished on a crescendo, crying into my shirt.
"That was amazing," A voice whispered. I looked around, although I couldn't see the room.
"Who is that?"
"Unnamed Mute."
"Unnamed Mute is talking?"
"First time in 3 years," UM laughed softly. It took a while for this to sink in. Why did he talk to me, of all people?
As if reading my mind, he answered, still In a whisper. "Because I trust you." I gulped, as I could feel him drawing nearer. Then he broke down crying.
For what felt like hours, I cradled UM in my arms, letting him cry into my shirt, like I did but a few minutes earlier.
Suddenly, he sat up.
"I'm sorry"
"What for?" I asked.
"Getting your shirt wet." I laughed, then he joined in. When we eventually stopped laughing, I asked if he wanted to come over to mine before the party, play some blind guy games.
"As long as no-one's about. I'm still not ready to tal-"
"Got it."
UM guided me to reception, where my Mom was waiting and worrying. I assured her I was okay.
"Don't do that to me again," she scolded. I said goodbye to UM and he squeezed my hand in acknowledgment.
I spent the evening, lying in bed,thinking about UM. What did he look like? Why didn't he speak? I tried to push the thoughts out of my brain, but they kept me awake until 5am, 3 hours before I was scheduled to wake up.
I woke up to the sound of whispering in my ear. I stayed still and rigid, frightened.
"You're such an amazing guy. I've heard everything about you, from Kaitlyn, Ellie, Harry, all of them. I knew, as soon as I saw you that first double maths lesson, I was going to like you, but I couldn't have predicted this... After my Mom and Dad, and Carla, I couldn't have predicted this."
I layed in bed for a few more more minutes, with UM sat somewhere in the the room on my right. I shuffled and turned over.
"Hey," UM whispered, in the same tone he spoke in a minute ago. I didn't even say hi.
"I heard." UM gulped.
"Heard what?" He whimpered.
"You're a bad liar," I smiled.
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. You're parents?"
"Killed. In a car crash. With my girlfriend driving. She died too, mind."
"Is that why you don't speak?"
"Yes. Whenever I open my mouth I end up hurting someone, " I walked over to the gaming chairs, feeling my way.
"Okay, let's play." We played without talking for 45 minutes or so.
"Pause. You're good, UM."
"I've had practice."
"Huh?"
"My Mom and Dad. Were blind."
"Play. Follow right branch." We continued to play for another 3 hours, when we got some lunch. UM didn't speak to my Mom, or Graham, but I think they did enough talking for all of us.
We then played for a little more, pushing our limits with the game, just generally enjoying ourselves. UM talked a bit more about his parents, who were killed 3 years ago. And his girlfriend, who was kind of a bitch. But a hot bitch. I laughed at that.
"That's one problem with being blind. No more checking out hot girls," I said.
All of a sudden, my Mom burst in.
"Party time!" It took a moment to realize what she meant.
"It's 6 o clock all ready?" I asked. She said yes and dragged us out to the car.
"Hello Isaa-"
"Professor Granger is your Dad?" I shouted in no direction, but aiming for Ellie and Harry. They both laughed.
"Yep."
Chapter 4
It took half an hour to get to the party at the town hall, which was already in full swing. The booming music hurt my sensitive ears. Someone tapped my shoulder, and I turned around.
"Help me," Whisper-Shouted Dakota. "It's actually crazy!"
"Then let's get crazy!" Screamed Ellie.
"Let's no-" Harry was cut off by Sebastian.
"Want to dance?" Harry agreed.
"I thought Seb was Kaitlyn's boyfriend?" I asked.
"Turns out, he's gay," A voice said from behind. "Kaitlyn was heart broken for the whole of 3 minutes. I'm her plus one"
I heard the sound of an oxygen machine, which had a distinctively Phillip-like sound.
"Hazel!" I shouted over the music. "I haven't heard from you you in weeks!"
"Been in and out of hospital! I'm dying, they told me!"
"Oh really?!"
"Then I told them we are all, slowly dying!"
"Isn't that a nice thought?!"
"I'm going to go sit and read until this whole thing is over! You coming?!" I said yes, and Hazel took me to the library at the back of the building.
I exhaled deeply.
"Oh hi," greeted Hazel. "What's your name? Don't you speak? Oh, okay."
"Unnamed Mute?" I asked.
"Apparently so," replied Hazel.
"Hey UM."
"He waved," Hazel told me. We sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Gus would've loved this. Loud music, lots of girls-" I started.
"And a whole lot of expensive champagne," finished Hazel.
Someone burst into the room.
"Hazel, darling!" Kaitlyn exclaimed. "Come party with us!"
"Nice to meet you Hazel!" Ellie shouted over the music, which was now leaking through the door.
"I kinda, you know, can't breathe properly."
"You'll be fine," said Kaitlyn. "Now, Dance!"
The girls left the room, leaving me and UM together.
"She seems nice."
"Her Boyfriend, my best friend, died a few months ago," I warned. "The love of her life," I emphasized.
"Oh, no, I didn't mean- I've sworn of girls." I pondered this for a moment.
"What about guys?" I asked, remembering something Harry said on my first day at Redwood.
"Hadn't really considered that option," UM said. Then, thinking I couldn't hear him once again, he added, "Until I met you."
That shocked me into silence. I didn't speak for at least 15 minutes, when I heard quiet weeping.
"You heard?"
"I heard."
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"I don't know."
"Are you straight?"
"What? Yes... At least I thought so."
I thought about this. "Me too. Maybe you're an exception to the rule."
"What..." UM spoke so quietly, I could barely catch what he was saying.
Then we were kissing. I was kissing a guy I had known for 2 weeks, whose name I didn't even know. A guy, no less. After a few minutes, we broke apart.
I stood up, and walked to the door.
"So, UM, would you like to dance?" He took my hand and we walked into the hall. We danced for what seemed like forever, stopping for no-one.
We went outside at around 11pm, holding hands, sat on the wall. I felt UM's long, skinny fingers touch my face.
"My name is Leo."
Part 2
Chapter 5
Seven months since I went blind, four months after my best friend, Augustus Waters ceased to exist, three months after my friend, Leo and I got together at Dakota's eighteenth birthday, I got a phone call from Hazel.
In the past nine months, my Mom, and well-wishers modified all my equipment, to have braille, or audio description. A Californian woman, named Helen, programmed into my phone, told me it was Hazel.
"Hi Hazel," I said, picking up the phone.
"I'm afraid it's not Hazel," informed a middle-aged man, which I vaguely recognized as Mr Lancaster's voice. "But I did want to talk about her."
I gulped. Over the last few months, Hazel's illness had been getting increasingly worse, the miracle treatment that gave her a little more time ceasing to have an effect.
"Is she okay?" I asked.
"Well, obviously not. But she's alive, if that's what you're asking." I breathed a sigh of relief.
"But don't be relieved too soon", he warned. "She may not have 2 months left."
That new piece of information took a while to sink in. Over the next half an hour, Mr Lancaster, and later, Mrs Lancaster told me what the next 8 weeks look like.
"Hazel will be almost constantly bedridden."
"She will be on the BiPaP at least 20 hours a day."
"She can't strain herself to much-"
"Or at all."
Mom requested to speak to them before I hung up. Through the kitchen door, I could hear them talking about boring parent things such as finance, treatment and the latest USA Today stories.
I slouched to my room then, and logged onto my laptop. Recently, my laptop has been updated with a braille keyboard, and Helen to guide me round, and read my messages. No erotic counterinsurgence fanfictions for me anymore.
Then, I told Helen to read all my Skype group messages. The group consisted of Me, Leo, Kaitlyn, Hazel, Harry, Ellie and Dakota. Nothing really happened in the 10 hours I'd been offline, except for Get Well messages for Hazel, who had just came out of hospital, and Ellie, who , the day before, had started her third, and hopefully final, round of Chemo for Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
I typed in what I thought was a hello message, but apparently was nothing but 5 randomly selected letters. I then gave up, and used my mic to type.
"I-Is she okay?" I stuttered.
noeyesaac: jyelo
unnamedmute: dude, that's just a bunch of letters
noeyesaac: I give up. I'll use audio
noeyesaac: Hello
HarryTheBarman: 'Sup Isaac?
QueenEllie: Hey!
MissK: Hello, Dear.
noeyesaac: So...How are you all?
MissK: Fab!
HarryTheBaraman: Great!
QueenEllie: Great!
HarryTheBarman: Jinx
notapipe: I'm dying.
noeyesaac: As you so kindly pointed out in Support Group that time, we're all dying.
notapipe: I'm going to die sooner rather than later.
QueenEllie: …
unnamedmute: …
MissK: How was Chemo, Elle?
QueenEllie: Oh, it was marvelous.
notapipe: Sounds like it too.
QueenEllie: I do love a bit of Chemo
notapipe: Who doesn't love being constantly injected with chemicals?
QueenEllie: I know!
HarryTheBarman: Oh shut up, Smart Asses.
unnamedmute: so, where's dakota?
QueenEllie: Dance Rehearsal
MissK: Rehearsal.
HarryTheBarman: Sleeping Beauty
noeyesaac: Oh yeah, when is that?
QueenEllie: 3 months away, I think.
HarryTheBarman: Yep.
notapipe: Darn, I won't be able to see it.
unnamedmute: why not?
HarryTheBarman: Erm...
unnamedmute: what's to say she won't live to see it?
MissK: You are being awfully optimistic, Leonardo.
unnamedmute: THAT'S NOT EVEN MY NAME!
That's how each Skype conversation went, occasionally having people leave to have lives; although Ellie and Kaitlyn were the only ones with actual social lives.
The next couple of weeks were as mundane as the pre-cancer days, which I suppose I should've been grateful for. But I longed for something out of the ordinary to happen, and it did. My birthday. My eighteenth birthday. I was going to be a legal adult, I was going to be able to vote.
The day of my eighteenth birthday, I woke up to Graham, jumping on my bed. "Geroff", I shouted, shoving Graham away. He screamed, then I began to panic.
"Graham, Gray, Graham, are you okay?" I asked frantically, feeling around my room. No sound came.
"Graham!" I screeched. Mom came rushing in.
"Is everything okay?" Mom asked, panting. "Graham!" She sighed. "Stop playing around." I heard a giggle.
"Oh, comon Gray, I was worried!"
"You really are turning into an adult," said Mom, her voice cracking. Someone ruffled my hair "My little boy."
I smiled slightly. It felt really sorry for her, having a kid with cancer, then a blind kid. And a son like Graham. I tried to be as good as possible for her that day; I smiled when she gave me the new Hectic Glow album, I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I even gasped in shock when all my friends came round for a "surprise" party. It was all going great, until we got a knock on the back door.
"Who even goes round the back?" Asked Harry. "When there is a perfectly good front door." Everyone was talking over me, voices getting louder and louder, higher and higher until it was one, long, sharp noise.
"Monica," I said, bluntly. Silence.
"What?" Asked Leo. Leo had been speaking for a month now, starting with me, then Hazel and Dakota, then Harry and Ellie, then Kaitlyn.
"Monica," I repeated.
"Your Ex?" Asked Dakota.
"That bitch!" Exclaimed Kaitlyn.
"Broke Isaac's heart," Sighed Hazel, obvious to me she was remembering The Night of The Broken Trophies.
"I'll give her a piece of my mind!" Threatened Harry.
"No." I said quietly, but apparently Hazel heard me.
"It's okay, Isaac, we will just see what she wants then kick her out," she comforted, patting my back.
"Fuck's sake," I shouted. "Just don't answer the door!" But it was too late, Ellie had spent the whole 5 minutes we had been arguing welcoming Monica into my home. I sat down on the armchair in the lounge. I made a beckoning gesture with my hand.
"Monica, are you in front of me?" I asked, quietly.
"Yes, Yes, Isaac, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have abandoned yo-" She began, talking too fast for most of the room to hear. I raised my hand.
"Monica. You left me a few weeks before the worst day of my life. I was going to go blind, for fuck's sake. And, I would be fine if you left me for something I did, or something like that. But no, you just couldn't deal with dating a blind guy."
"And I struggled so badly, I just needed a friend, and I had them. With Hazel, over there. Wave, Hazel. And Gus, who, by the way, died. Didn't see you at his funeral. And you didn't even give me a box of chocolates or a Get Well Soon card!" I was increasingly raising the volume of my voice.
"I know, and I'm sorry," sobbed, at least I think sobbed, Monica. "I just want you back!" That little announcement earned a gasp from my friends. I felt a protective hand cover mine, Leo's. I blush, not sure what to tell Monica.
"He's taken," said Harry, firmly. Monica giggled.
"By you? There is no way Isaac would date a boy!" I buried my face in my hands for a moment, then stood up.
"Well, I would date a boy," I said. "Not Harry, mind. I'd rather date Dakota then Harry. No, but Leo." I lifted the hand that was holding mine and squeezed it.
"So, yeah, I don't want you back. Are you here to give me a birthday present or beg like a puppy. If the latter, please leave." She shoved a small box in my hand and ran off. I heard a door slam a few seconds later.
"Well, that happened," Leo said, laughing.
"She really is a bitch, darling, why did you even like her?" Asked Kaitlyn.
"I don't know," I said flatly.
"Oh, dear, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Kaitlyn apologized, flustered.
"It's okay," I muttered, sitting down again. Leo was perched on the arm on my left, still tightly holding my hand. On my right, sat Hazel, close to me, breathing heavily. Harry, Ellie and Kaitlyn were sat on the sofa, from what I could tell. Dakota was sat on the floor, stretching.
Other than the Monica episode, the day went well. The present she gave me were some shitty cuff-links, which I gave to Harry.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"If you don't want them, I'll chuck 'em," I offered, teasingly, reaching out to take them back.
"No, no, no. Don't get me wrong, I'm chuffed with, but don't you, you know, want them?" He asked, awkwardly.
"They're her's!" I exclaimed. "Why the hell would I want them?"
"They're yours now, dear, she gave them to you," Kaitlyn pointed out. I growled, then stood up, pushing them towards what I hoped was the door.
"Just get out, all of you," I snarled. No-one moved. "Get out!" I heard a hurried scuffle then, and, when it stopped, I assumed they'd gone.
I fell back into my armchair, and cried dry tears, until Graham came in, when I quickly composed myself.
Chapter 6
Christmas wasn't the usual, merry occasion that year. Everyone was acting happy, opening presents, filling up on turkey and cranberry sauce, singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town til our mouths dried up. But it was all masking the melancholy aura in the air. The Lancasters were to spend Christmas day and Boxing day with Mom, Graham and I, in knowing this would be Hazel's last Christmas. Hazel herself was completely enjoying the day, but I think both me and her parents could sense she was longing for Gus, who she never had the chance to celebrate the festive season with.
We sat in the living room, everyone watching Mary Poppins or some shit musical like that, me, browsing the internet with Helen guiding the way. Someone tapped on my shoulder, and I screamed.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I shouted. "Scared the life out of me!" Mom held my hand to the kitchen.
"Mom," I whispered. "I can walk myself, you know!"
"I know."
"Then what are you doing?"
"Hazel's passed out, sweetie..."
"What?!" I shouted. "Why didn't you tell me?!"
"You had your head phones on," She remarked. We stood in silence, as I listened to the ambulance pull up, and take Hazel away. A choking noise escaped from my throat. Mom patted my back.
"It'll all be okay." But it was obvious it wouldn't.
I went to bed pretty early that Christmas. I slept most of the next few days as well, only sitting up to talk to the Lancasters and Leo. Leo was such a big help throughout the week Hazel was in Intensive Care. I don't think I would've made it through without him. I barely sipped water, and would pick at my food. Leo told me to think of Hazel, who was being fed through a tube, and that forced me to satisfy my appetite.
The day before New Year's Eve, I decided I was going to throw a party, I had been in my house for the last week or so, and hadn't spoken to anyone but Leo, and once, Dakota. I made the invitations on my laptop, with the assistance of Helen. I sent them to Leo, Dakota, Harry, Ellie, Kaitlyn, Seb and a most of Band. Graham wanted to invite his friends too, but I came to the conclusion one Ten-Year-Old at my party was more than enough.
I didn't really want a party; I wasn't in the mood, but I felt like we all needed it. I made a big fuss about buying new, clean jeans and getting a shirt ironed. I also brought a new pair of ankle Converses.
Mom knew how important this was to me and my friends, and made a large batch of chicken drumsticks, burgers, cheese and tomato pizza, stuffed peppers, salad, donuts, cookies and brownies. Graham helped me take down the Christmas tree, earlier than usual, but it felt wrong to keep it up. Graham also made a production line of paper chains to hang on the ceiling.
On New Years Eve, it was a rush of laying out food, hanging up decorations and answering RSVPs. At last minute, my Mom announced she was going to light some fireworks to make the party "less boring".
At 9 in the evening, we had our first knock on the door; Kaitlyn. She was panting heavily, appearing flustered.
"I'm here," She announced, loudly. Mom materialized at my shoulder.
"Kaitlyn, come in, have a cookie!" She exclaimed, dragging her past me.
"Oh, Mrs, um, what is your name?" Kaitlyn asked.
"Call me Karen!"
"Um, okay, Karen, I am on a diet," Kaitlyn stuttered, which I have never heard her do, obviously startled by my overbearing Mom. They walked off, just as Harry, Seb and Ellie arrived.
"Hi, Isaac," Seb greeted, patting my back unintentionally aggressively.
"Isaac," Harry said. I felt like he would've nodded his head in acknowledgment.
"Isaac! I think we all need this party!" Ellie came in for a hug, nearly suffocating me with her Chanel. Only a few months ago, Ellie had a crush on me, so it was slightly awkward. We broke apart, me coughing and spluttering.
"Bloody Hell, Elle. You're gonna blind me with that crap!" I felt a light punch on my arm.
"Shut up, Isaac!"
We went inside for 5 minutes, until there was a delicate knock on the door, most likely Dakota. She had a sense of elegance and fragility wherever she went.
A lot of Band turned up, before Leo. When ninety percent of the guest list were present, the party attempted to get in full swing.
DJ Matty P AKA Matthew from Band, who was actually a pretty good Disc Jockey, tried to "Get the party pumping", but failed miserably.
As it neared 12 pm, all the "party" looked like was a few teenagers nibbling pizza.
At ten minutes to Midnight, Mom called us into the kitchen. She had lit the fuse, and the fireworks were about to begin.
"5!"
"4!"
"3!"
"2!"
"1!"
The first bang of the fireworks sent me flying back a bit, but I recovered my balance when I felt something against my lips. I hoped it was Leo's, and I had a feeling it was. We broke apart, then I shouted:
"Anyone kissing, break apart, Graham is here!"
I perched on the kitchen table for the next five or ten minutes, listening to Oohs and Aahs, Bangs and Whooshes.
"It kinda sucked anyway," Leo whispered in my ear when the display was over.
"That was amazing!" I heard Graham shout.
"So awesome!" Seb exclaimed.
"Fabulous!"
"Grea-" Harry noticed me. "Nope- it sucked."
I laughed a bit. "Guys, don't worry, I'm used to it," I chuckled, with a hint of sadness in my voice.
The party did kick off a bit after the fireworks, but I just sat in my armchair, talking to Leo. At one point, Harry, obviously drunk (Although we didn't supply any alcohol) forced me up to dance. I did, but it was mostly and awkward shuffle. Anyway, Dakota was stealing the show. I couldn't see her dance, but I could feel the aura of passion and talent radiating from her.
At about 3 am, 2 hours after Mom sent Graham to bed, people started to exit.
Ellie had to move Harry out the front door.
"Sorry," She whispered as the left, along with Seb and 2 band members.
The final one to leave was Kaitlyn. She kissed both my cheeks as she departed.
"Thank you, Isaac."
Chapter 7
The final week before Sleeping Beauty was spent beside Hazel's hospital bed. We all knew she was going, just didn't know when. I was the one that stayed beside her almost constantly, along with Mr and Mrs Lancaster, the others where only there for an hour or two at a time. Hazel sounded terrible, her voice croakier and raspier than before. Every so often she would vomit, into a bucket the hospital provided. It was heartbreaking.
"I'm glad Gus isn't alive to see me like this," she said, out of nowhere, one day. "I mean, when he knew me I wasn't in the best of states, but at least I was presentable."
"I'm sure you're presentable," I said.
"Really?" she asked, I could almost see her raising her eyebrows. After a while, I said what I'd been thinking this whole time.
"Gus will never find you unattractive. You will always be beautiful to him. And when you leave this world, you will go to him, wherever he is, and you will have the life you weren't able to have. Then, one day, we'll have the honor of joining you. I don't know when, but I'll die too, believe it or not. You'll just leave us too soon." Not only would I have had a tear in my eye, by then I would've been full-on crying. I could hear Hazel sobbing and laughing lightly. I reached out my arms and brought her in for a hug, trying not to get tangled in all the wires and tubes.
"I'll miss you, Hazel."
"I'll miss you too."
Hazel Grace Lancaster passed away on Valentine's Day, the year after the love of her life, Augustus Waters, died. I got the phone call at six in the morning on the day of Sleeping Beauty. I knew what had happened as soon as Helen said the name: Hazel.
"I-Is she?" I asked Mrs Lancaster. I could hear Mr Lancaster crying in the background. I didn't hear the hospital machines. Before she could answer I quickly muttered that I was sorry for her loss and put the cell down. I collapsed onto my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. I remembered the Support Group Sessions, before my blindness, where me and Hazel communicated almost exclusively through sighs. I remembered the Night of The Broken Trophies, where Hazel watched as Gus encouraged me to smash his basketball trophies. I remembered Gus talking about her non-stop, until I felt like I'd known her forever. I remembered playing Counterinsurgence with her, soon after Gus died. I remembered the last 7 months, after our closest friend left us. I remembered Hazel Grace Lancaster and her too short life of significant events.
At about 9am, I logged onto Skype and sent one sentence to the group.
noeyesaac: She's gone.
Ideally, I would've spent the day grieving under my comforter. But that day was a big day for Dakota. We'd found out the day before she was going to be dancing as Sleeping Beauty herself, and I couldn't miss it. Even though I couldn't see, I could feel and hear the show, which would be enough for me.
Mom didn't knock on my door for breakfast until 10 o clock.
"I'm bearing a tray of pancakes and butter syrup!" Gingerly, she perched on the edge of my mattress, and placed the tray on my lap.
"I'm sorry," she said softly.
"Go away, Mom."
"I won't bother you for the rest of the day if you don't want me to," she said, still in a soft tone.
"No, you have to take me the Dakota's Sleeping Beauty Recital!"
"You still want to go?" she asked, an air of concern in her voice.
"Of course!" I said. "It's important to Dakota!"
"Yes, yes," she began in what I think she thought was a calming way. "But you just lost a close friend, and you can't even see it."
"So is Dakota! Ugh, just go away, Mom. Fetch me at Half Six." She walked away then, shutting my door behind her.
For the rest of the day, I sat, making muffled choking noises into my pillow. When I knew it was getting close to Dakota's performance, I rose, put on some clean clothes and sprayed some deodorant. Mom knocked on my door just as I was slipping my converses I bought for the party on.
"You still wan-" She must've noticed me dressed up then. "I'll take that as a yes. Come on, get in the car." I brought my symbol cane with me, which was only donated to me a week ago. We arrived at the Theater, twenty minutes later. Mom audibly gasped.
"Th-this is amazing!" she gushed as we walked into the Indiana Repertory Theatre's main lobby. Harry, Ellie, Leo and Kaitlyn greeted us upon arrival. Kaitlyn was crying hysterically.
"Ellie just told me! I'm so sorry, darling!" she pulled me in for a firm hug.
"Didn't you know already?" I asked. "I messaged The Group."
"I was busy with Matthew!" she exclaimed. I raised my eyebrows.
"They got together at the party," Harry sighed.
"Oh?"
"Yep. Moving on fast from me," Seb laughed.
"But yo-"
"I know!"
Ellie coughed. "Guys! Isaac just lost Hazel."
"We all did..." We all came together for a group hug. We were all overpowered by emotion... and Ellie's Chanel. We broke apart, coughing through tears.
Apparently, my Mom was watching the whole time, and ushered us towards The Circle. "Row G!" She informed me, handing me my ticket."Have a great show!"
We walked up a flight of stairs, Leo behind me, and me holding onto Harry's shoulders in front of me. We sat down and 15 minutes later, the music began.
In all honesty, it was pretty boring for me. Seb and Leo gave running commentary about the music, Kaitlyn tried to describe the routine for me, and Harry and Ellie were gasping every ten seconds, and commenting on how amazing Dakota was. At the end of the show, everyone stood up, and clapped until their hands hurt, and whooped until their throats went dry. Suddenly, there was a tap of the microphone. It was Dakota.
"Um... Hi. I'm Dakota and there is actually something I'd like to say." I heard some angry whispering. Dakota coughed, gaining the audience's attention.
"Today, one of my closest friends, Hazel Grace Lancaster passed away after a 4 year fight with Lung Cancer. I'd only known her 6 months, actually, but I'd actually grown so close to her. Isaac, Isaac, another of my close friends was actually the closest to her. And I'm sorry. She had so many people that loved her, she still has so many people, we will always love her. So I actually want to dedicate my dance as Sleeping Beauty to Hazel. Rest in peace."
"Rest in Peace," half the audience uttered in a monotone. Then I stood up and shouted, "Hazel, I love you! I hope you can hear me right now. You are amazing! I'd don't know how I would've survived the last 8 months without you! Thank you!"
Then Leo rose, holding my hand. "Hazel, I also love you! Mainly because I love Isaac, and as he just said, he most likely wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you! Thank you!" Harry stood up, next to me, and Seb too.
"Hazel, I love you! I barely know you, but I love you! Thank you!" Shouted Seb in his booming voice.
"Hazel, I love you! You are a very beautiful girl, even me in all my homosexuality fancy you! Thank you!" Harry followed. Ellie was already ready for her bit.
"Hazel, I love you! You take my thing for being attractive away from me, but you are much, much prettier than me, and much, much stronger. You are my role model! Thank you!"
Kaitlyn took off her heels and handed them to me, then stood on her seat. "Hazel, I love you! You are probably the best friend I've ever had, and are an inspiration to me. How do you get a guy as hot as Gus Waters? Thank you, darling!"
One by one, the whole audience stood up, shouting "I love you" to the sky, and complete strangers were thanking her for the girl she was and the girl she never will get to be.
Leo put his arm round my shoulders. Suddenly, the crowd all shouted four words in unison. "Hazel, I love you!"
The End