By Emma S. (me) & Tasha H.
It had been over a year since Rick's group defeated the Saviors. Lots of things had changed: Rick decided to cut his hair short, Father Gabriel was blind in one eye from the walker blood infection, and Maggie gave birth to her son, Hershel Jr., who surprisingly didn't come out of the womb as a 20-year-old man after Maggie's abnormally long pregnancy. However, Daryl still refused to bathe, and clouds of dirt followed him wherever he went like Pigpen from The Peanuts. The man was as reclusive as ever, and Rick wanted to try to talk to his friend and spend time with him to show that he still appreciated him, even if he disagreed with Rick's decision to keep Negan alive.
Little did Rick know, Daryl's aloofness was not caused by their disagreement or even his poor hygiene.
"Oh, fuck!" Daryl shouted from the toilet as the explosives from his rectum popped and fizzled in the toilet bowl. Another one was getting ready to exit, and he knew he couldn't do anything about it, so he bore down and hoped for the best.
The assplosive was mASSive.
Daryl could not prepare himself for what happened next. He shot through the roof of the house, bringing the toilet with him as his derriere was still fused to the toilet seat from the heat of the assplosives.
Hearing the commotion, Rick, Michonne, and Siddiq rushed into the bathroom, all in various stages of undress. Daryl was nowhere to be seen, the toilet was gone, and there was a hole in the ceiling.
"Damn, I wish we had a plumber," Rick lamented.
"I wish Tobin was still alive," Michonne sighed.
"We should go to Home Depot," Siddiq suggested.
The next day, everyone decided to set out to the Capitol building. Daryl, being emo and broody over his assplosive situation and nursing a sore fanny, chose to stay home and watch the kids. After everyone had left, Daryl played games with the kids like the good uncle he was, fed them, and changed Hershel and Gracie's diapers. Babysitting was hard work, and he hoped that the kids would be willing to go down for naps soon.
"Uncle Daryl, do your funny butt thing!" Judith told him.
"What?"
"Mommy and daddy and uncle Siddiq were talking how your butt blew up the bathroom!"
Uh oh.
At the Capitol, Maggie walkie-talkied Daryl.
"Daryl, how's my son?"
She heard a boom over the speaker, accompanied by three little voices giggling.
Rosita then exclaimed, "There's a baby in my pants!"
Everybody turned to look at her as she reached into her ultra-tight jeggings and extracted the infant. The baby was beautiful, with big brown eyes, perfect eyebrows, and a head full of black curls. Her placenta fell to the floor.
Rosita looked at Siddiq.
Siddiq looked at Rosita.
"We've never even had sex!" they both said at the same time.
Daryl could barely understand what was happening as he pressed the walkie-talkie to his ear. He was covered in soot from his own assplosives. He thought he heard a baby crying.
"What the fuck is going on!?" he shouted.
Jadis was the one who answered.
"Shit you not I do, infant child has just plop, plop, plopped out of Rosita. Siddiq is father of infant child, but he has not fornicated with Rosita."
Jerry was holding the baby; he loved babies. It gave him the best stank face ever and bit his finger.
"Okay, you're just like your mom –"
It looked at him with huge puppy dog eyes.
"But you're impossible to say no to."
Daryl was about to leave the house to find Alden and recruit him to babysit so he could use his rectum rockets to fly to the Capitol in record time.
When he opened the door, he came face-to-face with an unexpected but not unpleasant sight.
"Hello," said an extremely buff, long-haired shirtless man.
The sexy shirtless man introduced himself to Daryl as Justin. He asked if he could speak with someone regarding joining the community, and had correctly assumed that Daryl was not the one in charge due to his lack of grooming and the fact that he was babysitting three little kids.
Alden then showed up.
"I cAN babySIT for you, DarYL," he said in his funny voice.
"Okay, Justin, let's go find Rick," Daryl told the sexy Tarzan lookalike. Before Justin could grasp what was happening, Daryl grabbed his arm, and the sound of a motorcycle engine revving emitted from his derriere. Both men shot into the air, a trail of fire following them from Daryl's tushie like a comet's tail.
Eugene was alone in his room in Alexandria. He was playing video games, eating Doritos, and drinking Mountain Dew. He was normally content doing this for the entire day, but today was different. He felt the need to go out and do something with his sorry life for a change, so he snuck into Rick and Michonne's house after checking to make sure they were gone. He opened the door to their bedroom and, treading carefully to avoid the many holes in the floor, made his way over to the closet. He pushed the other clothes to the side, including hospital scrubs with crocs and a slutty male nurse outfit, before he found a slutty rodeo queen outfit that even had a matching hat and a pair of cowgirl boots to go with it.
"Perfect," he whispered.
Siddiq was in the Capitol building with the rest of the group, his baby daughter Emma-Tasha Espinosa strapped to his chest like in The Hangover. Jerry had put a pair of sunglasses on Tasha-Emma to protect her eyes from the hot sun.
Suddenly, a giant sonic boom reverberated through the entire Capitol as Daryl burst through the roof like the Kool-Aid Man. With him was a buff, attractive man with long hair, who looked like a Tarzan cosplayer but minus the loincloth.
Everyone was wondering who the new man was, but they were even more curious about Daryl's fantASStic mode of transportation. Rick, Michonne, and Siddiq were the only ones who had firsthand experience with the sheer power of Daryl's assplosives.
The thunderous explosion had upset baby Emma-Tasha, and she started to cry. When Siddiq tried to comfort the little girl, his medical bag slipped off his shoulder, and its contents spilled out. The contents were a load of weaponized Diqazon pills that were intended to be used against walkers, as when they hit the ground, they would break and release a hallucinogenic substance that would make the walkers get stoned and fall over.
Soon, the entire group was hugh af.
Jerry decided to take Tasha-Emma back to Alexandria before things got too crazy, though.
"Who wants to see something pretty?" came a croaky voice.
"WHAT THE SHIT!?" Negan almost pissed his pants when he heard Dwight's voice come out of the walkie-talkie in his cell. Alden had accidentally dropped it when he came in to change Negan's doo-doo bucket.
No one realized that Dwight had made an appearance, though. They were so hugh they thought he was Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show, which really wasn't much of a stretch. The group did the Time Warp, then Rick and Michonne started having sex in the center of the room while everyone watched and cheered them on, getting a little turned on themselves.
Eugene flew in through the hole in the ceiling on the back of a mechanical bull, clad in his slutty rodeo queen outfit, just as the orgy was getting started. He hoped that Rosita would finally be impressed by him, as the first time he tried to woo her had ended in disaster. He didn't know what was wrong with her and why she didn't find it sexy when he danced to "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix and popped his hips in tune to the music like Elvis on prescription pills.
As it turned out, Eugene was riding a bull, but Rosita was riding Siddiq. Eugene thought about the comics.
Michonne saw Rosita and ran across the room toward her. Eugene thought his eyes were deceiving him when he saw the babies that were tumbling out of Michonne with every step she took. One flew out with such force that it hit Eugene in the face and knocked him unconscious. The baby was actually a pair of conjoined twins, with one head looking like Rick and the other one looking like Siddiq.
"Oh no, you don't!" Michonne pulled Rosita off of Siddiq and threw her out of the building and over the horizon. More babies poured out of Rosita and rained down to the ground as the woman disappeared from sight.
Across the room, Carol and Ezekiel looked naked and afraid as babies exited Carol's body at the speed of light, as though she were a cannon.
"We're gonna need a bigger stroller!" Rick yelled, his arms full of his and Michonne's babies and probably a few of Siddiq's, too.
At first, nobody knew how to handle the babypocalypse. Jerry returned to the Capitol and was as shocked as anyone by what had happened, but he and Daryl decided to transport all the babies to Alexandria by loading as many as they could in their arms and utilizing their special talents to get there as quickly as possible.
Alden was beside himself as more and more babies kept arriving at Alexandria. To add to his pain, none of the older ones liked him and always yelled "GA BOO GA BUUUUUUULLSHIT" whenever he would try to do anything. Alden was nearing his wits' end when help finally arrived.
"Fear not, my child."
Ghost Tobin materialized, wearing a plaid shirt, and helped Alden soothe the older kids and settle some of the newborns into an extra-large Home Depot cart to keep them contained.
He replaced the toilet that Daryl destroyed while he was at it, too.
After the Capitol building fiasco, they all made their way back to Alexandria, traveling in their carriage and on horseback. Rick was singing a new rendition of "It's Raining Men," changed to "It's Raining Babies". Rick decided to go pay Negan a visit once they had all returned because he was made aware of the incident with Alden and Negan's doo doo bucket.
"It's been awhile since we had one of these talks," Rick said as he walked down the stairs to the cell.
"You're damn right," Negan replied. "Now, tell me what happened at the Capitol?"
Rick chuckled. "It was like one of your visits to Party City."
Negan did his croaky laugh and said, "I heard babies? And it sounded like something blew up."
Since Rick got all of Negan's dialogue now, he decided to go into detail.
"It was raining babies. Rosita gave birth on the spot to Siddiq's." Rick held up little Tasha-Emma Espinosa, who flipped Negan off. "They never had sex and she didn't know she was pregnant, but then she started riding him in the museum, and Michonne was pissed so she threw Rosita over the horizon, and more babies fell out, so now Siddiq has at least as many kids as Jim Bob Duggar and Michonne had so many babies today it's a wonder her abs still look so good."
Rick paused for a moment so Negan could fully grasp what he said, before he continued, "Michonne and I got it on like Donkey Kong. So did Carol and Ezekiel, but next thing we knew, Daryl and his motorcycle rectum set the place alight. He had a new friend in tow." Rick smiled fondly, remembering Daryl's entrance like Meat Loaf in Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also recalled how they did the Time Warp in a Diqazon-induced haze, but decided not to mention that to Negan.
"The new guy was rather quite hot. I think he was one of yours."
"Ah, Justin," Negan said, with a big cheesy grin, a clump of hair from his Moses beard falling onto the cell floor. He immediately knew which one of the ex-Saviors Rick was talking about, because Justin was incredibly hot and always had made Negan question his sexuality.
"He was really hot," emphasized Rick, starting to sweat profusely. His overactive sweat glands were a problem and Michonne and Siddiq always asked him to wear a headband like Mark Knopfler so he wouldn't get blinded by sweat. "Anyway, next thing we knew, Eugene came in kamikaze style through the roof, riding a mechanical bull. He was weirdly dressed as a cowgirl because he was trying to impress Rosita and now we're all back here with a shit ton of babies to deal with."
Negan just shook his head and went, "What the shit? Why do I have to miss out on all the fun?"
"Because, you're an asshole…and anyway, we're setting up camp outside the sanctuary to keep an eye on your untrained lapdogs and we're having a campfire tonight."
Negan pleaded with Rick to let him come. He missed his pet projects and genuinely having fun; he couldn't bear to stay in the cell for much longer.
"No, have fun, lol," Rick said as he shut the door behind him. As the door closed, Negan heard a loud "BOOOOO" and he shit in his shitting pants. It was Ghost Simon coming to say hello!
Simon started drinking whiskey and singing "Show Me the Way to Go Home" from Jaws as loud as he could, slamming the cell bars in the process. Ghost Carl also appeared, eating chocolate pudding while he sang, "You Are My Sunshine". It didn't end there, though. Ghost Tobin showed up, looking in through the cell bars like the Here's Johnny scene in The Shining.
When all of it was over, Negan was crying and rocking in the corner. Alden came back to clean his doo doo again, and asked Negan what was up. Negan looked at him and replied, "I see dead people."
Alden just laughed, Christopher Walken style.
Even though they had dealt with the Saviors and ended the all-out war, Rick and Michonne had set up a camp outside of the Sanctuary, where some of Negan's leftover soldiers still resided, to keep an eye on the ignorant fuckers. They got all the other communities to join them at the camp because they also thought it would be a good idea for everyone to bond and get closer as a family.
Daryl had fully embraced his talent, and started the campfire with his assplosives just as the group arrived. Rick always knew he could rely on Daryl, but he wasn't quite sure what to think of the hot new guy, Justin, so he just kept on giving him the head-tilt eyefuck. Daryl wasn't pleased with this because Rick was ignoring him in favor of Justin, and he was even more jealous now than when he would hear Rick and Michonne getting it on with Siddiq. Daryl was fuming, especially since Justin was extra hot, and Daryl looked as though he had been homeless for five years, with greasy hair down to his heinie like he had watched Rapunzel far too many times with Judith and she wanted him to look like the long-haired princess.
Eventually Daryl and Justin got into a spat, and Daryl shouted, "My Rick!" as he whacked the other man upside the head with a frying pan. Carol intervened and decided that Daryl had to put across her knee, again. She made sure to administer the spanking wearing oven mitts covered in bubble wrap so Daryl's assplosives wouldn't burn her hands.
When that was taken care of, Siddiq thought it would be a good idea to play truth or dare, because he slipped everyone Diqazon pills in their drinks and things would get really wacky. He spun a bottle and it landed on Jadis first.
"Truth or dare?"
"Dare."
"Okay." He thought for a second. "I dare you to circle that tree three times while making horse noises, and say, 'Giddy-up; Siddiq is daddy'."
If everyone wasn't high on Diqazon, they would be wondering what the hell was wrong with their soft-spoken doctor, but Rick and Michonne loved how kinky Siddiq was and were very proud of him.
Jadis galloped around the tree three times, made some very impressive horse noises, and loudly proclaimed to the universe, "SIDDIQ IS DADDY." Some pants were pissed in laughter.
Negan smiled as he heard all this over the walkie, proud that people were pissing their pants but still sad he was missing out on the fun.
Siddiq spun the bottle again. It landed on Michonne, and she immediately said "dare". Siddiq was feeling naughty and because Rick and Michonne were his lovers, dared them to have tent sex.
Rick shot up and rushed off to the tent like Road Runner, leaving a cloud of smoke behind. He'd never pass up the chance of getting it on with his queen. Michonne followed and, quick as a blink, they were naked. The tent was rocking within seconds.
All of a sudden, a baby's cry sounded from the tent.
"Uh oh," Rick mumbled, "we've done it again."
Michonne just giggled.
"Heads up!" Rick yelled to everyone outside.
Not knowing that he meant, everyone looked at each other in confusion, before Siddiq said, "I need four bases! It's happening again."
Before they knew it, babies were popping out left, right, and center! It was just like a game of baseball, but Richonne baby edition.
"WHAT THE SHIT!" Negan said, totally confused. He wished he was at the campfire. "What the shit" was quickly becoming his catchphrase.
By the time Rick and Michonne were finished, everyone had a baby or two or five in their hands. The parents came out of the tent, looking very proud. It was the second batch of the day! They were truly repopulating the world. Rick told Daryl to take them all home with Jerry, since Daryl could get back to ASZ in seconds with his rapid-firing, jet-propelled keister and Jerry could bounce really high like the Bumble from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and arrive almost immediately at his destination, so off they went. It was like the zombie apocalypse version of the Walton family.
*cue The Waltons theme song*
When everything settled down, they carried on with the game, and this time the bottle landed on Ezekiel.
"Truth or dare?" Siddiq asked.
"Truth," Ezekiel answered.
"Okay, who do you love the most: Jerry or Carol?"
Jerry was still gone, but Ezekiel replied without hesitation.
"Carol!" The king lit up like a Christmas tree, beaming a smile as big as a clown's.
Rick heard the L word and felt like Cupid. He was starting yet another trend!
After a few more rounds of truth or dare and everyone getting the chance to showcase their wild and human sides, dawn was nearing and the group was about to pass out, so they all went to bed, Waltons-style.
"Goodnight, daddy," said Siddiq.
"Goodnight, Siddiq," said Rick.
"Goodnight, Carol," said Michonne.
"Goodnight, Michonne," said Carol.
"Goodnight, Anne," said Tara.
"Goodnight, Tara," said Jadis.
This went on and on.
"Goodnight, everyone," Negan said over his walkie-talkie.
Richonne and Carzekiel both said a special goodnight, and headed off to their tents. The tents started rocking almost immediately and soon the camp echoed with moans that sounded like the howling of wolves. It made all the Saviors pack up their bags and leave like they were going to a 2-for-1 sale at Walmart.
The next morning was pure chaos. Rick, Michonne, and Siddiq couldn't see the ground for babies. They put Daryl to work making bottles, but after a while, the redneck Rapunzel clutched his stomach in pain. His motorcycle rectum went putt putt putt like he needed to take it to an auto repair shop. Clouds of smoke issued forth and made him cough. He thought that his tushie was malfunctioning, but something even more remarkable was about to happen.
Daryl was starting to give birth! His exhaust pipe of a rectum was popping out babies! They shot out with all the force of Hershel's infinite ammo shotgun. Siddiq came to check on Daryl, since he was a doctor, and caught one of the infants just as it entered the world. It had Paul Rovia's blue eyes.
"Rick, Michonne, come see this!" he called to his lovers as Daryl's body flipped around in the air and shot across the room like a rocket, the man having no control over his actions as the babies were as powerful of a force as the assplosives, shooting out with wild abandon. He was flying around faster than "Flight of the Bumblebee", being propelled by the babies and the assplosives that were helping the babies get out safely, without blowing them up, of course. Eventually, Daryl slowed down and drifted onto the floor, panting. The floor was covered with Desus babies.
Rick, Michonne, and Siddiq all clapped, then the three of them gathered up Daryl and all his babies and put them in the cupboard under the stairs. They went back to their room, which was now full of babies, too, trying to figure out what to do next. Daryl's sudden mASS expulsion of newborns had resulted in some serious damage to the house and even more holes had been blasted into the walls, ceiling, and floor. They weren't bothered by the holes in their bedroom from some very vigorous three-way sex sessions, but none of them had the ability to shoot explosives out of their cabooses, so it wasn't anything too bad. But now, the house looked dilapidated and unsafe for babies and adults. It was time for a change. Daryl could move in with Jesus, after all.
Ghost Tobin helped Rick, Michonne, and Siddiq build a stroller for the babies. Ghost Tobin could build really fast, like Bob the Builder, and when they were finished, the stroller went on for miles and miles. If the Guinness Book of World Records still existed in the zombie apocalypse, they definitely would have smashed the record for the world's longest stroller.
It was raining outside, but they collected all of their babies and got them ready to go. They were going to head to Arkansas, so they could live in the Duggar family's old house. As the rain slowed down, everyone from all three communities showed up to say farewell to Rick, Siddiq, and Michonne. Ghost Tobin helped them strap all of the babies into the super-long stroller, as his ghostly self was able to swoop through the air quickly to pick up babies and load them into the back part of the rapidly-filling stroller, which was not visible to anyone's eyes because the stroller just went on and on. Soon, they were all ready to go.
The crowd in front of the house waved goodbye and dabbed their eyes with handkerchiefs. Jerry played "The Long and Winding Road" on a kazoo. The clouds split as the stroller started to move, revealing a magnificent sunset and even a double rainbow.
Rick looked toward their old house, at his lovers, and at their babies in the stroller that stretched over the hills and far, far away. He wiped a tear from his eye, and signed "deuces" one final time to his old life at Alexandria.