A Christmas Caper
By gertie_flirty
Summary: Lupin is in trouble, and Zenigata and Jigen have to save him.
A/N: Written for my friend Luke for Christmas! Merry Christmas! Never written for Lupin fandom before. Vaguely slashy, non-explicit. Jigen/Zenigata/Lupin. Oh yes.
Help!
It was the only word present, scribbled in red on the wall of the hotel room.
Inspector Zenigata stood back from the sight, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. There were other officers and crime scene techs on the scene rushing about to analyze everything. This had been the master thief Lupin's last known location. Zenigata had burst in, guns brandished only to find the hotel room completely trashed and a single, pleading word written in large letters on the wall.
Help.
"Boss—" one of the techs rushed over, holding a thin sample stick. "This red stuff, it's-"
"Not blood?" Zenigata asked hopefully.
"No. Jam."
The inspector let out a sigh of relief. It meant Lupin was still alive. And hopefully unhurt.
"All right, boys, I'm outta here. Let me know if you find anything." Zenigata tipped his hat at the others and went into the hallway. Once alone, he leaned against the wall and sighed deeply. How long had he been chasing Lupin? He felt old. Useless. What was the point of it anymore? Why keep doggedly pursuing someone he would never catch.
Zenigata straightened up and started heading toward the elevator. There was already a man standing there. A man with a pointed beard and a hat low over his eyes.
Zenigata didn't speak, but broke into a run and tackled the man with full force. "You! Where's Lupin?"
"I don't know what you're talking about—"
"Uh-uh, I know it's you, Jigen! Give it up! Where's your fearless leader?"
Zenigata straddled the other man's chest, pinning Jigen's shoulders with his knees. Jigen was struggling, but Zenigata was stronger than he had expected.
Zenigata pulled out his gun and pressed it into Jigen's cheek. "C'mon! Tell me!"
"I don't know!" Jigen finally screamed in desperation. "I haven't heard from in days, and then I got this note—"
"Note? What note?"
"In my jacket pocket."
Carefully, Zenigata kept the gun trained on Jigen as he slid his hand into his sport coat, pressing up against his chest. He found the corner of the note, and slid it out.
In large, cut out letters, the note said:
We haVE LuPIn. CoMe to the OLd MoTHer restauRant toMMorow at 3Pm. No COPS.
"Who sent this?" Zenigata asked.
"No idea. The Old Mother is an English place by the Eiffel Tower."
"Hrrumm." Zenigata rubbed his chin, examining the note. No doubt it was clean of fingerprints, excepting his own and Jigen's. There were no other marks or writing in the margins. After considering for a few moments, Zenigata decided this could not only be his big chance to catch Lupin, but other, possibly more dangerous criminals as well.
"Inspector?"
"Yeah?"
"It's getting hard to breathe."
"Er, sorry." Zenigata leapt to his feet, but never lowered his gun. Jigen stood slowly, putting his hands in the air.
"Look, I'm not going to shoot you. I could actually use your help."
"Are you suggesting we team up?"
Jigen grinned and tipped the brim of his hat. "Exactly."
"Fine." There was a clinking sound, and Jigen looked horrified to discover a pair of handcuffs attaching his wrist to the Inspector's. "But I'm not letting you out of my sight."
Being handcuffed to Jigen meant staying in the same hotel room.
In the same bed.
"This is ridiculous, old man, are we going to sleep in our clothes?"
"If need be." Zenigata turned away, looking out the window at the snow falling on the Parisian streets below.
"Beautiful, isn't it? Reminds me of my days back in New York." Jigen stood next to the Inspector, admiring the view.
"I hate this," Zenigata muttered.
Jigen blinked in surprise. "What?"
"It's Christmas, and I'm away from my family—well, my daughter."
Jigen replied quietly, "Sorry."
There was a moment of silence between them, heat rising in the room.
Suddenly, Jigen grinned. "I know what will take your mind off things."
"What?"
Jigen maneuvered to the bed and patted the covers beside him. "C'mere, big boy."
Reluctantly, Zenigata sat on the bed.
"Now, close your eyes."
Zenigata frowned, but shut his eyes tightly.
A rustling, and Zenigata felt a tickle on his upper thigh.
Immediately, he snatched Jigen's wrist in a fierce grip and opened his eyes. Jigen held the handcuff key in his hand and grinned weakly.
"You're not half the thief Lupin is," Zenigata chided him. He took the key and swallowed it.
"What? Why did you—"
"Oh, I'll get it back. Eventually. Besides, once we find Lupin, I'm sure he can pick the lock. Now, good night." Zenigata turned off the bedside lamp and rolled over in the bed, ignoring the protestations of the man beside him.
It is a long, uncomfortable night.
The morning of Christmas Eve, Zenigata and Jigen sat in a van outside of the Old Mother restaurant, watching. Well, Zenigata watched, Jigen only ate donuts.
"What are we doing? The note said we didn't have to be there until three." Jigen wiped powdered sugar off his face with the back of his hand.
"It's called a stakeout," Zenigata snapped.
"Why? We gonna rob the joint?"
"No!" Zenigata huffed. "Cops do stakeouts too, to catch criminals."
"Oh," said Jigen. "Does that work?"
Zenigata sighed. "Sometimes."
"Are we gonna talk about last night?"
"There's nothing to talk about."
Jigen smirked. "Whatever you say. Hey, what's that?"
A group of men in white coveralls were shouting in front of the restaurant. Zenigata put his hand on his gun, ready to move.
The men started shoving each other, and it turned into a full fledged brawl. Zenigata burst out of the van and rushed over to fight, yelling at them to calm down and separate. A wayward punch caught him the jaw, and he pulled out his gun and fired, once, into the air.
The men froze and stared at the Inspector.
"Now, what's all this about?"
A blond man started babbling nervously in French, pointing at the others.
"Shit. I don't speak French. You?"
"No way," said Jigen. "Lupin does, though."
"Well, that doesn't do us any good, does it?" Zenigata snapped. "He's not here."
"Oh yeah? Then what's that?" Jigen pointed up at the roof of the building, where there was a chair with a figure that looked oddly like Lupin tied to it. Lupin was struggling at his bonds, yelling behind the tape that kept his mouth shut.
"Lupin!" Zenigata ran around to the side of the restaurant where there was a fire escape. He and Jigen, still handcuffed, climbed the ladder very carefully. When they reached the roof, a tall, thin blond man was pointing a gun at them.
Zenigata and Jigen raised their hands in the air very carefully.
In a thick French accent, the man said, "I zee you 'aff come to rescue zee Lupin. But I said no cops."
Jigen pointed at the handcuffs. "What did you want me to do? I couldn't ditch him."
"Fair enuff. You. Copperrrrr." The Frenchman pointed his gun at Zenigata. "Tell me, why do you want zee Lupin so badly?"
"What?" Zenigata said. "To arrest him."
"Non, zat cannot be ze only reason. Tell me, do you luff zees Lupin?"
"Love? Don't be ridiculous!"
"Ahhh, too bad, zen, as all he talks about eez you."
"R-really?" Zenigata blushed. "That's . . . strange."
"'E says you are fine man, an 'onarable man, a . . ." the Frenchman smirked. "'andsome man."
"Err . . ."
"Listen, let Lupin go!" Jigen said, growing impatient.
"Quieeet! I captured zee Lupin to make zee point."
"What point?" Zenigata demanded.
"Zat you can't live wizout heem." The Frenchman walked over to the chair and kicked it off the roof.
"Lupin! No!" Zenigata rushed to the edge, dragging Jigen with him. The chair crashed on the ground below and the Inspector let out a desperate sob. "What . . . what did you do . . ."
"Zorry, popz, but zometimes zat eez zee way zee wind blows," the Frenchman said, idly polishing his gun.
Staring at the ground, Zenigata muttered, "But I never go to tell him . . ."
"Tell heem what?" The Frenchman raised an eyebrow in interest.
Zenigata turned around sadly, staring at the ground.
"I never got to tell him . . . " he grabbed the Frenchman by the neck and started pulling at his head. "That I can always see through his stupid disguises!"
Lupin, demasked, wriggled out of Zenigata's grasp and threw his hands up in defeat. "Okay, okay, you got me! What gave me away?"
"'Zorry, popz.' You're the only one that calls me that. Also, your French accent is terrible. Not to mention, it was obviously a robotic mannequin in that chair."
"But . . . but I am French," Lupin protested weakly. "Half, anyway."
"Lupin, just tell me what the point of all this is!" Zenigata was growing red in the face.
"Isn't it obvious?" Lupin moved up against the Inspector, pressing their bodies together. "Jigen and I wanted to get you alone with us." He drew a long, thin finger up Zenigata's cheek, and the Inspector shivered.
"So what do you say, Inspector?" Jigen loosely wrapped his free arm around Zenigata's waist. "How 'bout the three of us?"
"Ab-absolutely not!" Zenigata sputtered, his face bright red.
Lupin and Jigen smirked at each other.
"You know," said Lupin. "We have ways of changing your mind. Paris is the city of love, after all."
The cries of Zenigata shouting "LUPIIIIINNN!" were heard throughout the city the rest of the night.
The End