Disclaimer: Buffy, the Vampire Slayer does not belong to me, nor I make money out of this.
A/N: This Year's Girl and Who Are You are two of my favorite episodes ever, I wouldn't change a thing about them. That being said, I present to you a little whim of mine. After all this is fan fiction for a reason.
My head is an animal. It reminds me of the times I used to go to clubs when I was just trying to get away: you're supposed to be in an upbeat mood because of the color lights flashing and blinding you, music loud, drinks flowing, and people enjoying themselves around you, yet you're the one trying too hard to have fun. The upbeat mood of the music is almost offensive because you're not feeling it, the smoke of your cigarette annoys your eyes, its effect anesthetizes you though it's never long until it wears out, and the smell of the liquor in your drink nearly suffocates you. Just like my own thoughts, just like the biggest truths I don't like to remember but never really leave me. Everything is artificial, and I'm used to it. Flaws become even more evident: the dirty small spots on the bar that someone missed, the strong odor of the man dancing with me, his clumsy and coarse hold on my body, the things I promised I wouldn't do anymore and I did again, the fact that I keep running. It's like choking on my vomit, my thoughts keep pressing me into what I hate. It's a bitter bile I know very well, and I do this to myself. I know what's missing, I know where I went wrong.
I beat up and robbed that woman in the hospital, and I hardly feel sorry. The only thing in my mind is that one person who genuinely tried to be my friend, and I screwed things up. The nightmares I had of Buffy chasing me before waking up are no surprise, I earned them. It's the last dream that took me by surprise at the point I'm certain it could really be hers and not mine. Buffy welcoming me into her world, me promising how things will be different this time… It's what has me outside of Giles' house, not sure of what to do next. So I peak through the window, Buffy speaking to Willow and Xander. God, does my blood boil when they suggest beating me up. And then "…there's no way around it. Faith is back and whether I like it or not, she's my responsibility." It gives me the strength to bury my fingernails inside my fists at whatever Willow might be saying now instead of cutting her in two pieces, then Buffy goes on "We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling… She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember, or maybe she does, and she's sorry, and she's hiding alone somewhere." That girl is unbelievable. I did everything you can do to get a person hate you, and she's actually willing to see what's going on with me. I know great part of that is because she put me in the state I just woke up from. Still, there is true concern in her voice, which makes my chest start to pound and I could swear it even feels warmer. As I grew up, even when sometimes my life didn't even seem that hard, I could tell everything I got was cheap, just easy. I knew there had to be something out there that could not be compared to anything I've ever seen. Being called marked a before and after in my life, there's no denying in that, but I can't even think of a name to what I'm hearing in Buffy's voice as she talks about me, and that right there is what I was hoping to find one day, regardless of if I was worthy or not. Her true concern, that benefit of the doubt she's giving me is that gem to what everything seems cheap in comparison.
There is no easy way to do this, and I've never been low-key anyway. I have to take a stab at it, pun intended, so I go to her when she patrols next night. She must have really worked on telling everyone it'd be okay. I'm not even thinking the words I'll say, because I can't really get the one goal out of my head.
"B," I call her as I grab her arms from behind, and she isn't surprised enough to hit me thinking it could be a vampire or a demon, she probably could feel me near her "I need to talk."
She looks confused and I feel just as pathetic over what I just said. She is surprised, though, she probably can barely believe it's me, but she's not making any questions or remarks. There's silence for a moment, I not knowing just what to say next, and her expecting me to say something. Damn me, she's there, and she so much as blinks, that same concern in her voice the previous night now all over her expression, and that's all I need to break. I fall to my knees, something similar like sobbing is happening, except it's out of my control, and I'm holding onto her like she's the answer to every question, because at this point, she truly is. I'm a crying mess and I can't seem to get my words in order, because for a good couple of minutes I can only repeat erratically "I want you to know what I did… you have to know why I did what I did…" I'm not looking at her, but I can tell she's frightened and now genuinely surprised. An instant passes and her hands wrap around me too, which I take as my cue to stand up and hide again on her shoulders. She doesn't seem to question me, she just holds me, and I feel I'm finally home. When I regain my breath until I'm sure my voice won't be shaky, I explain myself.
"I won't try to make excuses, what I did was not a small thing. But if you know everything I did, you must know why I did it." I pause to breathe and put together the courage to speak again "At first, all I ever wanted was to stand out, to be the one and only. I wanted all the things I was denied before. Being denied what you want so many times can drive you insane, you know. This is not an excuse. I am not trying to make what I did any less than it was. And there was you. You had everything I wanted, but you didn't enjoy it. I was upset, and even more so when I faced that, of all I've ever wanted, I had never wanted something more than you by my side. I don't think you're perfect, but you were so full of light… Wilkins was right when he told me that I've always wanted you to accept me. I lost my way. All I wanted was your attention, I know I got it the wrong way, I hate…" my voice breaks again, and Buffy pulls away, still holding me, just a little to look at me.
"I just wanted you to understand that I was your friend, I did have your back. I still do." Her eyes seem to glimmer, and then abruptly, she pulls away and starts hitting me with what is probably the 2% of her strength, reproaching me "Damn it, Faith. Why now?" She keeps hitting me and saying things I can barely hear, I can't believe she's not beating me up, she's just reproaching me like a little defenseless girl, and it's so twisted and surreal that, out of nerves, I start laughing. She hits harder.
"Are you for real, Faith? I put you in a coma, you wake up after no one ever thought you would, and you just laugh? Is this a big joke to you?" she's holding back to not yell "I did accept you, Faith. I even loved you." I stop laughing. As a matter of fact, I freeze. One thing was that shared dream, and a very different one is having her say that to my face and knowing it's not a dream. She cups my cheek with her hand, and I know she's testing me. I can't look at her in the eye, and when she takes my chin in her hand making me look at her, she doesn't give me time for anything as she presses her lips against mine. It takes two milliseconds to remember how desperate I've been for a chance like this. I hold her waist like it's the only thing that will hold me in place, and I kiss her with everything that has been building for her longer than I can recall. I've been on a bed for eight months but man, Buffy's lips feel like true rest. She lets me deepen the kiss, before she cups my face with both her hands, and when she pulls away, her eyes are still closed, she's resting her forehead against mine, a tear or two formed in her yes and found their way down her cheeks and she's smiling just a little bit. Just the sight makes me place one more kiss on her lips, the most tender I can attempt.
"B…" I say sounding more confident than I actually am "I can never erase what I did, and I don't know what will happen next. I know it's harder than that. Is there anything I could do so you'd help me?"
"Faith, going through the problem together was exactly what I wanted in the first place." She looks up, thinking "I have to talk to Giles, we need to figure this situation out." She looks at me puzzled yet affectionate, which makes me hopeful. And then, she's holding me again like I was something to cherish. Even when I was younger, I doubted what I'd grow up to be, and if I'd be worthy of something so beautiful like this moment, but the truth is I want it. I see now that this is it, for this I kept going, for this I know that further than not being a screw up anymore, I want to be worthy again. My face is next to hers, neither able to look at each other, which is probably good for it takes the pressure off of things that won't be easy to deal with. My hands wander over her back caressing her since words could do harm. Her nose graces the side of my face. I don't want to ask the big questions yet, so I turn slightly, enough to place a kiss on her cheek, and then a soft and short one on her lips. It still feels surreal that she requites and runs her fingers through my hair.
"There's a lot to figure out. I hope we can make it this time. But Faith," she looks at me almost pleading, it seems like her eyes sting matching my burning throat and my eyes that threaten to moist again "stop running, ok?" I nod carelessly, my eyes watery for her gesture of forgiveness, for this chance she's giving me once again. I don't know how to start again, but she reassures me "No need to say this will be hard, but I'm glad you're here."