To Love You: Always
Summary: (AC one-shot) Loving her is never easy. And with her unexpected disappearance, he thinks nothing can destroy him like it does. But this encounter with a familiar stranger proves otherwise.
Warning: You may find typo(s), grammatical error(s), and OOC-ness.
And do grab some tissue, just in case.
Disclaimer: Gundam Seed/Destiny and its characters belong to Sunrise. Meanwhile the lines from 'Ad Finem' belong to the amazing Ella Wheeler Wilcox.
Note: If it isn't obvious enough, this one-shot is in 'present-past-present-past' format.
For why should I fan, or feed with fuel,
A love that showed me but blank despair?
He met her at one insignificant bar, when he had been thirsty for something no drink could satisfy, or perhaps he just had been too withdrawn into himself to even recognize the persistent ache in his chest was not a physical one. He didn't see her right away. Amidst the crowd of shout and sweat and people who was too bothered to acknowledge each other, she was almost invisible. But when she walked to his table with a twinkle in her eyes that was too familiar that it hurt, a smile on her lips that was too bright and screamed of someone he desperately wanted to forget but couldn't, Athrun found himself staring at her like a hawk, memorizing every detail of her and greedily comparing her to one ghost of woman he might know once.
So it didn't quite surprise him when he tried to reason himself of why he stayed for so long or why he waited for her shift to end. He vehemently refused to admit that he wanted to talk to her. To know her.
Her name was Len. A nickname. Or a stage name. It could be a sham. But he didn't care. She lived outside the town, in a house too big and too old for her taste. She shouldn't be here, she said, but she had enough of creaking wooden stairs and smelly almost-ancient books. That was why she escaped from the house that was her cage the very moment her overprotective brother went to the capital, leaving no more than 'I go for a bit and will come back soon' note for her poor butler and nanny who had practically raised her and her brother. There was mischief on her face that was clearly, and painfully familiar. He stared at her, breathlessly, as a small smile that was rebellious in nature bloomed on her lips and morphed into a heartfelt laugh. So carefree and careless of the world.
He watched his cold world crumbling.
They knew it was wrong. They would have to let go of each other when the morning came knocking on their door, brutally taken from their lover's embrace when they wanted nothing but completely drowned in scorching heat that was their love and being consumed by pure bliss that was their passion.
They knew that theirs was a love that could destroy them. It could blind them into seeing nothing but the love they held for each other. They knew it was wrong to hide from the rest of world like this. To have no one knew about the union between them lest the fragile glass that was their world would be broken. It was wrong. But it felt right. And they kept on.
She was an orphan, or at least she implied herself to be. Her mother had gone when she was still young. Too young to comprehend the meaning of death but old enough to understand that she was basked in nothing but absolute love of her mother.
He could see the content smile on her lips, but her clear eyes couldn't fully hide the pain of losing someone important. He knew that feeling. He himself was swathed in that feeling until someday he realized that the only thing he could do to be free from the pain was to die. But he was not someone to commit suicide. Not anymore.
"The greatest battle is to keep on living."
And those words kept on playing in his mind until he nearly lost his sanity and finally vowed to himself, to her, that he would live and continue to live if only to prove that he could live without her. He half-succeeded, he guessed. His career was at its peak. And he was alive. He had everything anyone would dream of. But he had nothing he had dreamed of.
"How about you?" her voice snapped him out his reverie.
He turned to her, quite shamefully as he was caught staring. But she gave him a smile, a smile he fervently wished he could see again, but on another's face, and on another woman.
"How about you?" she repeated, quite oblivious to the wistful thoughts his mind having, "Tell me about yourself."
"What do you want to know?"
"Anything. Your hobby, may be. Your job. Your family...," she trailed off before looked up mischievously at him, "Or your lover."
He gave her a smile of his own. A small, almost bitter one. He set his gaze ahead, walking as casually as he could on a path that had became familiar to him, a path that would lead them to the cosy inn she stayed in. When he spoke, his voice was gratefully steady. "I love reading. And tinkering. I used to build mechanical pets when I was younger. I worked...for Orb. And don't ask about what I'm doing because it makes dizzy to describe my work. And to think I'm on vacation." Len gave a small snort but didn't comment. "My family...well, I'm an orphan. A result of the war. My mother died at one of the attack on space. My father died for...what he thought was right," he explained vaguely. It was nice to be incognito, he pondered, to have no one recognizing you, to have no obligation to explain yourself, to make out a reason of your action, your words... It was nice to be no one.
And in this tiny village that was alienated from outside world, he found a solace, a place to be freed of pretence and putting calm demeanour, because inside, he was a raging chaos. He had been, since the time she had left him, left the world that knew her.
One night, he felt something different in her. She was still as fiery as he remembered, as beautiful with her wide eyes and glowing hair as he first met her. But her touch was more desperate, fingers searching and demanding like there was no tomorrow. There were tears on her cheeks that he wiped away gently, cupping her face with all the love he possessed, kissing her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, her jaw...
But before he asked her anything, she kissed him on the lips with a fervour that only fuelled his desire for her. He was demanding, he knew, and she was such a passionate lover. And that night, there was an urgency and desperation that was never there before. But then she blinded him. He couldn't see anything other than her and him, wrapped in desire and craving for each other. He soon forgot who they were to the world. He was only Athrun and she was only Cagalli where their little world concerned. He was too caught in the fire that was her. He never noticed that something was broken in her at that very night. Nor he expected that it was the last night for both of them.
"Older brother? No! Heaven knows that I am the older one!" she told him laughingly.
It was awfully familiar.
"How about your father? You never tell me."
Her discreet smile was his answer. "How about your lover? You never tell me," she retorted.
He chuckled. "Fair enough."
He slipped his hands into his pockets. The temperature had dropped quite a bit these days. Time seemed run slower in this remote place. But Athrun felt he had known the girl beside him for years instead of days. Perhaps it was only him trying to catch a glimpse of her in Len, thus deceiving himself that he was talking to her, walking her home from work, joking with her. But the more he knew Len, the difference between her and Cagalli became clearer.
Sure Len was fiery at times, even downright brash and unbelievably stubborn at the worse of time. But then, she was mostly level-headed. She was naturally a quiet and soft-spoken child unless got provoked. And sometimes, Athrun could see himself in her.
"Well?" she prodded, stepping sideway to catch a glimpse of his face. Len's personality, Athrun couldn't help but morbidly thought, was a fair fusion of his and Cagalli's.
"I don't have a lover," he said. At Len's disbelieving face, he added, "No, I don't. But I had a...wife."
"You're married!" she yelled as though the idea was unthinkable.
"What's with the shock? I was, yes, but I am not, I guess."
"Divorce?" she asked carefully.
"No. It'd better if we did. She just... One night, she left me. Just like that," he said bitterly, embracing that familiar pain that had become the essence of him since seventeen years ago. He was aware that the pain was not diminished. It became more intense instead. He didn't know the reason of her disappearance, the reason of her leaving everything she had come to know and love. He might know why she left him, as painful as it was for him to admit. Their relationship was not an honest one. They were subordinate at day and husband and wife at night. They told no one, not even Kira, and not Lacus. But then he knew that they knew. They never asked. He never spoke. It was left at that.
Len put a comforting hand on his arm. He rewarded her with a grateful smile.
"My father is a wonderful person," she said, seamlessly drawing his attention to her. "He is kind and intelligent. A kind of father you can brag to your friends." The gentleness in her voice was palpable. "And the fact that he is terribly good looking is a bonus," she added cheekily.
He patted her head affectionately but stopped abruptly. Something didn't add up.
"I thought you're an orphan."
"What makes you thought so?"
"Well, you said you lived with your only brother aside from a butler, a nanny, and some servants. I just assumed that your father—"
"No," she interrupted a bit sharply. "He is alive. He's still alive." She looked up at him, her wide eyes filled with hope he didn't know how to respond to.
"Well, I'm sorry then."
"Don't be," she whispered. "He is alive, there, in Onogoro, mother said. I never knew him. I want to. That's why Alex went. He went to find father. But I think it doesn't matter anymore."
Her tone was wistful. And it pained him to hear her spoke in that manner. "He left you?" he whispered back, a bit startled by the bitter tone in his voice.
Len shook her head. Blond hair swayed at the movement. "No. My mother left him."
He functioned not any less than before after she left him. He got his papers done. He trained the new recruits diligently. He had Orb's military flourished under him.
Most people saw him as perfectly composed as ever. While people protesting and reeling for the shock from the previous Orb Head Representative's sudden resignation, he kept his cool, stating calmly that the letter was indeed authentic and it was within her right to resign from her position.
How he hated himself at those times.
Of all the people to be most crushed from her disappearance, it should be him. But no one knew the exact nature of the Orb Princess' and Admiral Athrun Zala's relationship. And Athrun couldn't afford to reveal it now. He had been broken. And doing that would only kill him.
So he lived on, but didn't move on. He never could.
Three years later, Kira came to him, white as sheet and body trembling in pain that was so agonizing he couldn't form into words. Athrun had met his eyes, calmly asking what had been into him. Kira was startled. And without warning, he punched him hard and stormed off. Athrun never met him after that. The necessary meeting between him and the Head of National Defence Department was simply not counted. Athrun didn't meet Kira until five days ago.
And at that time, nothing was said between the two former best friends except Kira's persistent urging for him to take a vacation.
He said he didn't need it. Besides, he didn't have a place to go to.
Kira just stared at him blankly and muttered a place. Then he stormed off, just like he did fourteen years ago.
And Athrun, despite himself, kept repeating the name of that place, a remote place somewhere in the north where the climate was a bit colder than here, in Onogoro. He kept repeating it over and over again with an unwelcomed hope he quickly stashed on, lest he found the disappointment too great to bear.
Somehow he was on his way to that place two days later.
He couldn't find her there. For these past seven days, he had walked her to the inn at the end of the road after her work. By unspoken agreement, he would wait at the tiny public library across the bar she worked in. At nine in the evening, he would find her just outside the place, smiling, and they would walk and talk along the road.
Today was an exception. He waited for an hour but there was no sight of her. He decided to enter the bar, spotting the bald, middle-aged man he knew was the owner, and asked about the whereabouts of a certain golden-haired girl. The owner looked at him warily before his white-blue eyes brightened. He shoved his hand into his pocket and producing a small scrap of paper.
"'For Mr. Blue-Haired Mop'," he grinned. "'Brother came back, no side job. Studying all day from now onward'," he quoted.
Athrun took the note gratefully and wondered amusedly since when Len had the liberty to give him pet name, and such a ridiculous one at that. But he didn't really complain.
The note had an address written on it. He guessed it was her house. So he decided to visit her the next day.
The address he was given was actually a graveyard. The cold stone of tombs stood out solemnly against the gray sky. The place was empty of living human, aside from a solitary figure who was about to make an exit.
"Mr. Zala!" Len exclaimed. She dashed toward him with a merry smile plastered on her face. "Good to see you, Mr. Zala. I'm afraid you couldn't make it. I'd hate not to say good bye."
"Good bye? You're leaving?"
"Hu-uh. Alex wants to study abroad and he refuses to leave me behind, as if I couldn't take care of myself. And to think I'm the elder twin!" she exclaimed passionately, not noticing the fallen look of his face.
"So, this is a good bye, huh?" he tried to make his voice less sad. It didn't work.
Len's face softened. She took his hands into her gloved ones. "Yes. I'm grateful to get to meet you, Mr. Zala. You're a great person. A kind of father I can brag of," she said softly. Emerald eyes stared up at his, filled with untainted honesty that was so foreign in the eyes so much like his.
And then the rest of her words registered, but his mind failed to process them. He was too shaken by the fact that someone he had come to care was going to leave him. Again.
But before he could say anything, someone approached them, and Len happily grabbed that person's arm. "Alex."
"Lenore."
The said Alex nodded at her and then looked at him. Athrun was frozen when he caught a pair of golden eyes stared at him.
"Good to see you, Mr. Zala," he greeted and turned to his sister, "If you may, we shall take our leave." His tone was formal, and his words were spoken quietly. The light in his eyes indicated that he was calm and intelligent. Athrun felt like he was staring at his sixteen years self with wrong eye colour.
He kept rooted on his spot even until the twins had vanished from his sight. And with a sudden jolt, driven with an emotion he thought he wasn't capable of having, he ran into the graveyard. Emerald eyes were wild in searching of red rose. A bouquet of them, or a stem of it. Len, Lenore, said her mother loved the flower.
When he did, he felt the world came crushing down at him. The image of the fading backs of the twins haunted his mind
There, laid the lone beautiful red rose, and on the grave stone, carved three words.
'Cagalli Yula Athha'
And I knew the moment my eyes beheld it,
"A love like this can know no death."
End
A/N 1: There goes my first story. I may, or may not, write a companion story for this one. My fangirl side doesn't allow me to leave AsuCaga with such a crappy ending (I must be possessed while writing this because I usually dislike sad ending for this pairing). And the glaring plot holes simply make my fingers itch. Well, tell me what you guys think
A/N 2: My skill in written English is rusty and so is my grammar. I won't be surprised if there are some mistakes that pass my editing. So I'll greatly appreciate it if you point them out.