It's my only secret. The only thing that he doesn't know about me, and I'm terrified for him to know. We've already dealt with it. Months and months ago. But why has it been bugging me?
"Tris?" Tobias asks, pulling my hair off of my neck.
"Mmm?" I reply, looking at him.
"Are you okay?" He asks, running his fingers through my hair. "You look sad."
"I'm okay." I answer, avoiding his eyes. He jumps over the couch and lands next to me gracefully.
"No, you're not." He says, taking my hand and kissing it. "What's wrong, love?"
"Nothing."
"I may not be a Candor, but I do know when someone, especially my fiancé is lying to me." He says softly. "Please tell me what's bothering you."
"It's nothing." I look at my hands. "Okay. Well.. Tobias?"
"Yes?"
"How much do you love me?"
"More than the world. More than the universe. With everything I have."
"Promise… promise you won't laugh or anything?"
"Pinky." He holds out his hand with his pinky extended and we link pinkies. He smiles and kisses my forehead. "What's wrong?"
"I know it doesn't matter now, cos it's already been dealt with, a long time ago. But I still think you should know if we're going to get married in a couple months. You know?"
"Mmhm." Tobias kisses my hand. "What is it?"
"Remember how bad my intimacy issues used to be?" I ask. Tobias nods. "Well, um.. it was because when I was fourteen, I was… I was… raped." I whisper the last word and my eyes fill with tears. Tobias pulls me closer and I can almost feel the anger pulsing through his veins like that night I was attacked by Peter. But I know the anger isn't directed towards me.
"Can I ask what happened?" His voice is gentle, but it's unsteady. I put my hand on his arm to steady him.
"You can." I whisper.
"What happened?"
I steady myself and swallow the gigantic knot in my throat.
"Susan?" We were walking home from school. It was warm, sunny.
"Yeah?" She began to redo her braid that had fallen out over the day.
"Wanna come over after dinner?" Susan smiled.
"Of course!" She hugged me goodbye and skipped into her house. I walked into my house and was greeted by a note on the table.
Tris-
Ronnie will be coming over shortly after you get home from school. We had to take Caleb to the doctor; his fever was getting worse. We'll be home by dinner. Be good, we love you.
Mom and Dad
I shrugged and threw my bag on my bed and grabbed an apple from the fridge and sat at the table with a book from school. There was a knock on the door and I jumped up to answer it. Ronnie was standing there, smiling at me. I smiled back.
"Hi."
"Hey."
He came in and sat at the table with me, watching me read. I finished a chapter and when I got up to throw the apple core away and get my notebook from my room, he followed. He closed the door to my room and pushed me on my bed. I was scared, terrified.
"What—what are you doing?" He was on top of me, and the pressure on my chest was making it hard to breathe.
"If you don't scream or fight with me, it'll be a lot easier on you." He whispered. I saw him take his belt off. He moved to tie my hands together with it and took off my clothes. I closed my eyes and bit my lip when the pain started. He kissed my neck. He kissed my mouth. He kissed every little part of me. He didn't stop for what felt like hours. When he left, there was a little bit of blood trailing down my thigh. I tried so hard not to cry as I covered myself in my blanket and went to my closet to get new clothes. I went to the bathroom and spent an hour in the shower, trying to wash him away with scorching hot water. I crawled into my parent's bed when I was done and fell asleep.
"Honey? Beatrice? Are you okay?" My mom gently shook me awake.
"Mommy!" I threw my arms around her neck and cried for an hour. She rubbed my back.
"What's wrong?"
"I… I just had a really bad day at school."
She let me sleep with her that night and Dad slept in Caleb's room to keep an eye on him.
He came by the next day to tell me that if I ever told anyone, he would kill me.
"Oh, Tris…" Tobias says softly, holding me tightly.
"Don't tell me you're sorry and don't give me that wounded puppy look, cos I don't want it." I say firmly.
"I wasn't going to." He says calmly. "But you're alright now, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Wait." Tobias stops and looks at me. "You still have nightmares about it, don't you? Those nights when you wake up screaming, that's what you're screaming about, isn't it?"
"Mmhm."
"Is that the only time that he did that to you?"
I don't speak for a moment. Tobias tenses up and I feel the anger in him again.
"Please tell me it is, Tris."
I still don't speak.
"It isn't, is it?"
I shake my head, looking down. I feel his hands curl into fists.
"How many times?"
"Ten." I whisper.
Tobias jumps off the couch. "Where does he live?"
"Tobias, no."
"No, Tris. He fucking deserves it. Where?"
"Tobias.. Please."
He looked at me, his chest heaving, Something about my face calms him. He walks back to the couch and picks me up and holds me on his lap, rubbing my back on while I cried.
"I'll protect you, Tris. It's okay. I love you." He whispers in my ear. "It'll all be okay."
"I love you, too." I whisper. "Thank you."