A Different Forest Happy Valentine's Day Emmett Challenge
Title: Superpowers Activate!
Type: Crackfic
Note: This wasn't what I intended to write, but I guess this is what my subconscious really thinks about Valentine's Day. I still love Emmett, though.
Under a barrage of uprooted saplings, boulders and clumps of dirt, Emmett hurtled up the jagged face of the mountain. "Stop cheating, ass munch!" he growled. Jasper had been sending torrents of sluggish energy at him for nearly five miles, but Emmett fought against the lethargy with clenched teeth and sheer force of will.
I wish I had a superpower, he thought. Jasper, Edward, Alice, Bella and Nessie all have special abilities. I want to do something cool, too.
A moment later, Jasper caught up to him, interrupting his reverie. Jasper tried to kick Emmett's hands loose from the cracks in the granite bluff. He instead pulverized the stone, sending rubble sliding down the cliff. Nearly losing his footing, Emmett grabbed Jasper's calf and flipped them both up and over the peak.
They rolled across the top in a tangle of kicking legs, sharp claws and snapping jaws, demolishing more rocks and causing a second avalanche.
"Dude," Jasper said, squinting, as he narrowly missed an elbow to his nose. "What's that smell?"
"He who smelt it, dealt it," Emmett replied, echoing the inane line he'd heard Crowley say to Newton last week outside of Fork's gas station. "Must have been that antelope you ate."
All joking aside, Emmett had been wondering the same thing. He tried unsuccessfully to identify the foul stench blowing in from the east. Did someone open a toxic waste dump in the middle of the Olympic National Forest?
With Jasper momentarily distracted, Emmett broke free from his chokehold and leapt off the side.
Man, that funk is terrible, he thought. Swinging through the trees Tarzan-style, Emmett flew deeper into the forest. The smell only worsened.
Jasper followed closely behind. Instead of manipulating his brother's emotions, he concentrated on the sickening combination of scents in the air. He mentally flipped through a thousand different chemical and organic materials, but couldn't deduce the culprit. Frustrated, he stopped breathing.
Emmett burst through a dense patch of Sequoias and came to an immediate stop. Confusion wiped the playful smile off his face.
Jasper plowed into Emmett's back, sending him toppling over. He landed with his ass buried in a puddle of thick, rancid mud.
"Dammit! These jeans were new," Emmett frowned as he stood up. He tried to scoop off the bulk of the muck, but it stuck to his hands like paste. "What is this stuff?"
When he didn't hear a sarcastic response from Jasper, he looked up. The surrounding scene reminded him of why he stopped in the first place.
What used to be patch of pristine wilderness was now an angry scar of disrupted earth. A rusty bulldozer stood sentry over the swath of charred trees and deep trenches. Spray painted symbols covered the sides of the tarnished machine, and the same designs were scratched into the dirt around it. Nearby, twelve piles of what appeared to be ash formed a border around a pool of noxious liquid, black as tar.
"What happened here?" Jasper's brow furrowed as he stepped closer. This was certainly the source of smell, but what was it? Carbon, rotting deer, sulfur, and something else…?
Together they walked toward the mess. In the middle of the pool, like a strange island, was the stump of a massive tree. A glass rested on the blackened wood, half-filled with bright yellow fluid.
"Can you read the gibberish written on the bulldozer?"
"No. I thought it was runes, but it's not."
"How about the glass?" Emmett scratched his chin.
"Dunno," Jasper drawled. "Smells like nothing I've encountered before. Better than the lake of shit, but still not good." He paused. A devious smirk spread across his face. "I dare you to drink it."
Emmett swung his fist at him, but Jasper jerked out of the way.
"Why? Why are you always asking me to drink stuff? What's your fascination with making me puke?"
"I'm not sure," Jasper said, shrugging. "I just like it. Plus you're usually stupid enough to do it."
Without Edward there as the voice of reason, Emmett studied the glass for a long minute.
"What'll you give me?'
Jasper laughed. I knew it! "Twenty minutes of emotional manipulation. Your choice of who and when. You want to plague the Forks basketball team with constant erections? Done. Make Edward giddy enough to play show tunes again? Done."
"Seriously? You'll give me that to watch me barf in the woods?"
"Yep."
"Do I have to pick the details now?"
"No. You can decide later."
Emmett held out his massive paw. Jasper shook it, squeezing it as hard as he could. The two toppled backwards and wrestled on the ground, knocking over the closest pile of ash. They finally broke apart, soot covered and grinning.
"Let's get this over with."
In a cloud of dust, Emmett leapt onto the stump, landing with his feet on either side of the glass. Slowly, he bent down to pick it up.
Surprisingly, the container wasn't glass. It wasn't plastic, metal or wood either. Though transparent like glass, the cup felt rubbery. Emmett smelled it—he even licked the side, but it didn't taste familiar.
Weird.
Additionally, the container was hot, like freshly poured coffee in a thin paper cup. Steam rose from the yellow liquid. Again, Emmett tried to identify it with his keen sense of smell.
Fish maybe...or gunpowder? Or like gypsum from a phosphate strip mine. He scowled at it, having second thoughts. Why do I agree to this nonsense?
"Come on, ya wimp," Jasper taunted. He was rocking on the heels of his cowboy books, his fingers hooked through his belt loops. "Just drink it."
With a sigh, Emmett rolled his eyes at his brother and lifted the glass to his lips.
The fluorescent fluid caked the back of Emmett's throat. Venom flooded his mouth, but even that wasn't enough to clear it away. He scrunched up his face, and he stuck out his tongue at the indescribably revolting flavor.
Jasper's phone started ringing.
"That…that was the worst tasting thing ever," Emmett grunted. He swallowed again. He scraped his tongue along his teeth. He spit several times. Nothing helped.
Jasper flipped open his phone. "Hey, Al--"
From where Emmett was standing, he could hear Alice's shriek.
"What happened to Emmett? What did you do?"
Jasper's smile faded. He glanced nervously at Emmett. "He's right here. I didn't do anything.'
One second later, Emmett's throat erupted in itchiness, like a herd of hairy spiders were skittering along his windpipe.
Two seconds later, the sensation shifted to a fiery throb, pulsing through his chest and arms.
This was a very bad idea, Emmett thought. Normally these dares ended in less than a minute. Being a power puker, he could spew out whatever ungodly concoction Jasper created without much effort. This time was different.
Jasper's eyes bulged out of his head as he listened to Alice on the phone.
"Jas," Emmett said. He coughed, only making the burning worse. "I don't feel so good." Then he doubled over. He touched his face to make sure it wasn't on fire. It felt like flames were devouring his skin, hotter than when he burned after Carlisle's bite.
Emmett screamed. He contorted into a twitching pose: arms thrust out, fingers splayed, mouth open.
As Jasper threw himself toward the stump in an attempt to catch him, Emmett tumbled forward into the sludge.
"You're an asshole."
"Me? I should be yelling at you for defiling my new car seats. You reek worse than a pack of Quileutes after a thunderstorm."
Even after a long rinse in the Elwha River and a change of clothes from the trunk, Emmett couldn't erase the smell. It stained his clothes and clung to him like spray from a thousand skunks.
"You sure you're okay?" Jasper asked. "Alice had a total conniption fit back there."
"I guess. I don't know what happened, but I feel fine now. What did she see again?"
"She said you exploded. Like a shaken up can of soda." Jasper tapped his fingers against the steering wheel in an effort to mask his worry. "You never did hork up that radioactive lemonade you drank back there, you know," he added.
He was picking up the strangest sensations from Emmett. Normally his brother vibrated with boyish contentment at the end of the hunting trip or with excitement at the prospect of seeing Rosalie. Now he roiled and fizzled with a chaotic mess of emotions. The effect on Jasper was like being in a dinghy during a churning ocean storm. He felt seasick.
"I just wanna make sure you don't puke in the car."
"I'm not going to puke."
"Well, you should. Not in here, but generally." He paused. "Don't you feel sick?"
"No."
"What's up with that, Emmett? Why didn't you throw that shit up?"
"I don't know! Can you just shut up about it, please?" Emmett rubbed his face with his hands. He didn't understand it either. His stomach should be revolting right now from the non-blood cocktail. He shouldn't feel so…electric.
"Well, if you need to, tell me, so I can pull over."
"Just drop it, okay?"
"I don't want you to ruin the upholstery. This is Peruvian leather, you know."
Emmett closed his eyes. If Jasper wants to see vomit so badly, why doesn't he just do it himself?
A half second later, Jasper clamped his hand over his mouth. A deafeningly loud gurgle filled the car. He stomped on the brakes, but before he could flee from the seat, Jasper retched violently. Thick streams of venom splattered across the dashboard and windows, ricocheting onto the front of Emmett's shirt.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell, bro?" Emmett yelled, wiping off a glob of stinging venom from his cheek. "What gives?"
Jasper lay panting over the steering wheel, baffled and annoyed at his sudden sickness. Before he could make any sense of it, Emmett erupted into laughter. "Sure hope that Peruvian leather is stain-resistant."
"I'm sorry. I can't find a single explanation for your reaction at the park or for Jasper's illness in the car," Carlisle said, shaking his head.
"You have to, Carlisle! There's something wrong with him," Alice insisted. "In every vision I've had of him since this afternoon, his image doesn't stand still. It's like he's been transformed into a burly percolator."
"Yeah, and I felt just fine in the car. I don't understand why I would have gotten sick," Jasper added.
"You never should have drunk that liquid, Emmett! What were you thinking?" Edward bleated.
Shut up! Shut up! Emmett wished he could have a moment of peace from the onslaught of worried and angry questions that had descended on him from the moment he had walked in the door. Even Rosalie kept her distance, eyeing him strangely from across the room.
"I just don't understand why you didn't get sick, Emmett," Bella said, her amber eyes boring into his head. "Back when I was a human, if Edward ate so much as a bite of pizza, he'd have to rush off to the bathroom."
That's 'cause he's a wussbaby, Emmett scoffed, earning a dirty look from Edward.
"I agree. Something's happened to you. Sorry, honey, but you do feel different. Your energy's off." Rose said.
"Can everyone please just leave me alone for a minute?" Emmett yelled. "I mean, how many times have I done these stupid dares with Jasper? How would I have known that this time would end badly?"
"Well, you should have known better," Edward scolded, acting more like a mother than Esme, who stood behind Carlisle with a worried expression. He was glad Nessie was asleep so she wouldn't have to witness Emmett's bad behavior.
Watching Edward blow chunks would be better than his nagging, Emmett thought. Not by much, though.
No sooner had the words left Emmett's brain than Edward clutched his stomach. He made an awful choking noise and promptly emptied the unabsorbed remnants of two deer as well as copious amounts of venom onto the carpeting. Everyone in the room stared at the puddle, too shocked to speak.
"Uh…what just happened?" Emmett sputtered. Wait, did I do that?
He fixed his eyes on Edward, who now looked so pale he was nearly translucent. Puke, Edward, puke.
Instantaneously, Edward collapsed forward onto his knees, heaving a viscous spray of venom across the nearby chaise lounge.
"Stop doing that!" Edward screamed. With a shaking hand, he wiped off his mouth. "I could hear your thoughts, Emmett! You ordered me to vomit and I did!" His eyes shifted to Esme. "I'm sorry for ruining the new furniture, but it was Emmett's fault."
Bella scoffed. "You're saying that Emmett forced you to throw up? How is that possible?"
"I don't know," Edward whined, "but he did."
Carlisle stepped toward the two of them, his face a blend of curiosity and disgust. "Emmett, do it again…but wait. Everyone outside first."
"Thank you, Carlisle," Esme whispered, frowning at the chair. She wondered if her army of fabric cleaners would remove venom and blood from silk and linen.
After the family gathered outside the back door, Carlisle nodded at Emmett. "Try it again, son," he urged, leaning away.
"Emmett, don't you--" Alice wailed, before her belly seized and she hurled on Jasper's boots.
"You're gonna pay for that one, Butternut," Jasper growled. He directed a wave of guilt and sadness toward Emmett, but he was too slow. Emmett retaliated and Jasper soon joined his mate, gagging on the manicured lawn.
"Well, I'll be…" Bella mumbled.
"Simply unheard of…" Carlisle muttered.
"You even think about doing that to me, and you'll never see my pussy again," Rose snarled.
"Don't worry, babe. I wouldn't even dream of it," Emmett replied, ducking his head.
When he glanced up, he saw that Carlisle was staring at him with amazement. "So it appears that whatever you drank in the forest gave you the ability to induce vomiting. I don't know how, but you've certainly given us ample evidence that you've somehow been transformed."
"So that's why he looks different in my visions?" Alice asked.
"And why he feels like the emotional equivalent of a haywire washing machine?" Jasper was happy to have some sort of explanation, although it still didn't make any sense.
"Indeed." Carlisle's brain was flying a mile a minute, plotting out how they would keep this a secret from the Volturi, how quickly they could return to Olympic Park to investigate and how this would affect his previously calm family.
Emmett's mouth hung open. "That…SUCKS! Sure, I wished for a superpower before, but I never wanted something so useless! Why couldn't I get something awesome like invisibility or regeneration or pyrokinesis? Why did I get stuck with a special power that makes people barf?"
"That's not very special," Edward scoffed with a haughty look of distaste. A moment later he glared at Emmett. "Don't even think about it."
"You're like our own sparkly ipecac," Bella chuckled. Her eyes widened when she saw Emmett's response. "Please, don't make me puke. Didn't I do enough of that when I was pregnant?" She paused. "It could be worse, you know. You could have the ability to turn into a guinea pig."
"Or raise the temperature of liquids by five degrees," Jasper laughed.
"Or leave a slug like trail of venom wherever you went," Rose said. "That would be gross."
"And this isn't?" Emmett retorted.
"A little, but I still love you."
He smiled. "Thanks, baby."
"Maybe you could get a job with Poison Control," Esme offered.
"Bulimics around the world would appreciate your services," Rose suggested. When everyone but Emmett scowled at her, she said, "Just kidding. Bulimia is a serious problem."
Carlisle cleared his throat. "Let's continue to research possible explanations and ramifications for the future. In the meantime, Emmett, please promise that you won't use your gift anymore this evening."
"I promise, Carlisle."
The next morning, after tinkering in the garage to soothe his anxious mind, Emmett walked into the dining room to find his family whispering about him.
"What's going on here?" he demanded.
Just then, Jacob strolled in the front door. He carried a gigantic bacon and egg sandwich. The grease had soaked through the paper plate underneath it, and when Jacob lifted it to his mouth to take a voracious bite, more oil dribbled off his chin and onto the hardwood floors. Nessie, dozing on Bella's lap, perked up when she saw him. She grinned at his cocoa-colored skin and toothy smile with unbridled affection. Everyone else ignored the half-naked shapeshifter and watched the grease drips instead.
"Hey, gang! Having a family meeting? Can I join in?" Jacob said, bits of bread spraying from his mouth.
Already annoyed by being excluded, Emmett glared at him. When Emmett realized that he had the power to make other things spray from Jake's face, his wide grin turned into a chuckle. He glanced at Rose, who nodded encouragingly. Edward gave him a quick smile before mimicking Bella's frown of disapproval. Carlisle and Esme sighed, while Jasper leaned forward for a better view. Alice squinted, trying to see through the Jacob induced fog in her mind for the visions just beyond her reach.
Emmett focused on Jacob's chomping jaw. Puke up that disgusting pig meat chicken embryo sandwich, mutt, and aim for Jasper.
Jacob noticed Emmett's penetrating stare. "What's up, Em? Want some of my breakfast?"
Perplexed, Emmett tried again. I want you to throw up, Jake! I want you to throw up now!
Edward's smirk disappeared when, like Emmett, he realized nothing had happened.
"Dude, why are you ogling at me? I took a shower before I came here so you guys wouldn't complain so much."
"Emmett? Is it gone?" Carlisle asked, studying his son's reaction.
"Maybe it was only temporary," Alice chirped.
"What was temporary?" Jake asked. "What are you talking about?"
"What a relief," both Esme and Rose said at the same time.
"Bummer," Jasper mumbled.
"I'll tell you later, Jacob," Bella muttered.
"No, you won't," replied Edward. "Let's just keep that one to ourselves, shall we?"
"Jakey!" squealed Nessie. "Let's play dress up again!"
Surprisingly, Emmett felt sad. Crushed even. He stomped out of the room, splintering the door frame as he turned the corner. Rose rushed after him.
Together they ran through the trees. Rosalie didn't ask where they were going; she didn't say a word. She knew to keep quiet when Emmett was in one of these moods, so she reached over and grabbed his hand instead.
When they passed the border of Olympic National Forest, Emmett became even more agitated. "The stench is gone. We should be smelling it already."
He sped up, knocking over several Fir trees as he raced into the clearing. Emmett slid to a stop, frantically looking around.
"I don't understand. It's all gone! There was a bulldozer with all of these markings there. And a lake of reeking sludge next to it. And piles of ash. The glass and the magic potion were all right here."
Now, the only things that remained were several partially burned tree trunks, a large pile of overturned dirt and the charred tree stump.
Emmett screamed, clenching his fists in front of him. "No! It's not fair!"
Rosalie pulled Emmett into a hug. "What's wrong, honey? I thought you didn't want this power anyway."
"I mean, I wouldn't have chosen it as an ability, but now that it's gone, I miss it," he moaned. "I know it's totally stupid, but it was nice to feel special. Different. Especially when we're surrounded by our super siblings."
"Oh, baby, you are special!"
"No, I'm not. That's just something you and Esme tell me to make me feel better."
"That's not true. Don't you know that you have superpowers in bed? You're like Orgasmo, vampire style."
Emmett raised his eyebrows. "Really?" Pride instantly replaced his misery. When Emmett gazed lovingly at his wife, he could feel his growing arousal already tenting his pants.
"Really. You make me come so hard, I forget how to speak, I forget my name, I forget everything except how lucky I am to share your bed. Who else can perform such magic? Now come here, stud," she purred as she dropped to her knees, unzipping his fly with lightning speed. "Let's celebrate my lack of gag reflex."
At that moment, with the cool Washington breeze on his ass and Rosalie's mouth on his front, Emmett felt like the biggest, baddest, super special vampire in the entire world.
The End.
A/N: Butternuts was a term given to Tennessee civil war soldiers because of the tan color of their uniforms, and later used as a nickname for people from Tennessee. Ipecac is a disgusting medicine that makes people throw up, usually after ingesting harmful foods or liquids.
Thank you to Winterstale (and her family) for the suggestions about Emmett's useless superpowers (including the vomit inducement) and to Justine Lark for her amazing suggestions on how to give a puke story a fluffy ending. (It's her superpower.)