Title: The Dark
Rating: M
Author: Ellixer
Pairing: X/G
Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.
Note: What happens when the light is gone and the one you love is lost in the darkness?
She's here in body; I'm not sure about soul. Is it there, buried somewhere chained down and drowning under the hatred? Her mannerisms are the same though there's an edge to them. Nothing she does is soft anymore; her smile isn't tender and caring.
I'm watching her walk in front of me, her steps are no longer light like they once were. This is Gabrielle, just not quite my Gabrielle. For once I'm lost, I can't find my footing and I have no idea if I'll be able to hold on. She killed him before I could find anything out, and I have no idea if he did a spell, fed her something, got a God on his side or a myriad of other things. There's a way out, there's always a way out.
We make it back to the farm in complete silence. Lila and Sara run out to hug her and she puts off an air of fake sweetness, though she does love them she can't seem to express things the same way she used to. I find myself reverting to a stoic silence that I haven't experienced in years. I leave them to go inside and eat, I can't seem to find my appetite right now. The most I can seem to do is pace the length of the barn, the horses following my movements with worry.
I wonder if she's going to try and leave or if she'll stay without a problem. There's an air of unpredictability now. I can hear her coming, her steps harder yet quieter at the same time. She walks into the barn, hips swinging, lips curled in a smile that doesn't suite her.
'Hiding from me?' Her eyebrow cocks up as her eyes rake over my body. She crosses her arms in front of her chest, leaning against a support pole in the center of the barn.
'I'm thinking.' Something about her is off-putting, but still I can't help but be drawn in by her very presence.
'Anything good?' She give me a lascivious smile.
'Do you plan on going anywhere?' I try to change the subject, to look anywhere but at her eyes.
'Why would I go anywhere?' She moves from the pole, stepping closer and closer to me.
'With everything that's happened….' I swallow hard as she stands inches from me, hands coming to rest on my shoulders. If it wasn't Gabrielle, it wouldn't be this hard for me.
'I couldn't leave you.' Somewhere under that seductive tone is the woman I love and I wish she would come out. She caresses my face sending shivers through my body. I don't know what to do. Would giving in be wrong? I drop to my knees, wrapping my arms around her waist as my face presses into her stomach and my tears begin to fall. Her fingers run through my hair and she's trying to comfort me. She begins to whisper, as if trying to soothe my fears.
'Xena, I know I'm different. I still love you, I could never hurt you. I hate like I used to love, but I still love.' She drops to her knees in front of me, grasping my face in her hands. Her eyes are still dark, uninviting green orbs. There is the slightest hint of her former self showing on her face. Like she's pulling something from way down deep inside her to prove to me she's telling the truth.
'I want the old you back. You have no more light.' My chest hurts as I try to get the words out. She shakes her head sadly.
'I don't know if that's possible.'
'I refuse to believe that.'
'Oh Xena.' She sighs. 'And if I can't change, what will you do?' Her eyes narrow, as if in accusation.
'I adjust.' We stay frozen that way for an eternity before she stands once again.
'I'm tired.' She declares as she walks off, not once looking back. I'm left wondering if I can really adjust, but I wonder if I could adjust to a life without her at all. I think I'm going to need Eve's help with this.
When I finally manage to get myself off the barn floor and back to our room, I find Gabrielle asleep in the other bed. Just as well, it's probably better that way. I take a moment to wash the dirt off my body as I strip down, replacing bandages as I go. I'm all too relieved to slip under the cool sheets of the bed, but I can't bring myself to relax fully, not after last night.
Gabrielle moves in her bed, lifts the covers and is curled against me before I can utter a word. My arms naturally wrap around her body as they have done countless nights before.
'Wasn't sure you were going to come to bed tonight.' She mumbles sleepy words against my chest. Tears sting at my eyes as I fight to hold them back. 'Goodnight.' She whispers.
'Goodnight sweetheart.' I nearly choke on my words. The pain in my chest is growing and I feel like I'm going to die any second. I need to adjust, to adapt. Maybe I have to mourn the loss of one Gabrielle but celebrate the life of another. I'm not giving up, I never give up on her. There has to be a way to get her back. Tomorrow I'll send for Eve, she can help, I know she can.
I'm not sure I can fall asleep. Part of me is afraid that she'll leave again but this time there will be nothing left for me to find. I can't lose her, because then I would lose myself. No one would be able to find me, no one.