For hellosweetie17.
Event: Roy/Ed Week, Day 5: In The Unlikely Event We Live Through This.
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Roy Mustang could not contain his laughter. His beloved Edward was panicking. The former Fullmetal Alchemist was running around the room, waving his arms wildly; his face turning a vicious shade of purplish-red as rivers of tears flowed from his eyes. He could have sworn that steam was puffing from the man's ears.
Roy considered it a valuable lesson for the younger man, no one told him to take the bet. Alas, Edward just had to prove Havoc and Breda wrong. 'There was no way that a stupid shriveled up granny pepper that fuckin' Emperor Piggy sent could be that fuckin hot' according to his dear Edward.
Apparently, Havoc just a won a full pot of Cenz. Shaking with laughter, Roy decided to take pity on the man.
"Edward, here. Drink this, it will help," he ordered, holding out a nondescript foam cup towards the petite blond.
Sputtering and wheezing Edward swiped the cup, chugging it's contents in one fluid motion. Roy leaned against a nearby desk as Edward's face started to return to normal. Gasping, Edward let out a sigh of relief tossing the cup into the trash. Roy held his hand to his mouth trying to contain his amusement. His beloved, Edward, was standing in front of him dripping in sweat, his glorious golden hair pulled tight in a high ponytail, his military jacket haphazardly thrown on a chair revealing a back-cut off shirt underneath nicely accenting his lover's muscles. He was very beautiful, stunningly so. The icing on the cake was Edward's new mustache of white, it was gloriously beautiful.
"Oi! What the Fuck are you laughing at Bastard?! I didn't see you try them, you pansy ass," Edward shouted indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest, blissfully unaware.
"I'm not the one who was goaded into a childish display of masculinity over a tiny pepper, Fullmetal," Roy taunted.
"Who are you calling so miniscule that he'd fit into a pepper box?!" Edward growled, narrowing his eyes at the General. The snickering broke out into full laughter around the office causing Edward to glare at his fellow co-workers in anger. "I didn't see any of you fuckers, try that damn pepper," Edward bellowed.
"Now Boss, don't be like that. Me and Breda didn't mean no harm," Havoc placated in mock defense.
"Brother!"
Edward spun himself around on his heel and beamed at his younger healthy brother.
"I can't believe it! After All these years! General, How'd you do it?! Me and Winry been tryin' for years!" Alphonse exclaimed, hopping in excitement from one foot to another.
"Al, what ar-'" Edward questioned, looking behind Roy where a container of a cursed white abomination sat innocently.
"You sonofa-"
"Now Edward, don't be too hasty. You needed relief. It does wonders for incredibly spicy foods," Roy stated, holding his hands up in mock surrender.
"One- that you egged me on. You-" Eward countered, his eyes narrowing realization dawning on his face. Gagging, Edward ran around the room flailing his arms in a desperate attempt to find water to wash the cursed stuff from his mouth. He ignored the howls of laughter (from his soon-to-be former co-workers) that were filling the room during his time of need.
"Edward," the stern voice of Riza Hawkeye called, holding the elusive water. Chugging the water in one full gulp, Edward wiped his face with the back of his hands. He stalked over to the General, 'his soon-to-be-murdered' secret lover, his face contorted in furious anger clenching his fists.
"You mother-"
"Now Edward, you didn't even notice that-"
"Shut the fuck up, you old Bastard. I should fuckin' punch you in your fuckin' face," Edward growled, poking the general in his chest hard. Howls of laughter echoed around the room as Breda and Havoc collapsed on the floor clearly enjoying their show.
"Brother!" Alphonse exclaimed, hurrying over to his older brother when the cock of the revolver echoed throughout the office effectively forcing everyone to freeze.
Turning to face the sound, everyone stared at Colonel Riza Hawkeye. The expert marksmen was aiming her military issue handgun straight at them.
"General, Lt. Colonel, your little game is over. You have work to do. Lieutenant, save your wrath for off duty. You. Have. Work. To. Do." she commanded, lifting an eyebrow at their frighten faces.
Nodding, the young Lt. Colonel stalked off towards his desk and furiously set to work refusing to acknowledge anyone. Mustang visibly relaxed until Hawkeye narrowed her eyes in his direction earning a 'eep' quickly covered by a masculine cough.
"Ah, Yes! Good work, men. I'll just…" the general lamely covered, backpedaling into his office to the mountain awaiting him. The sound of the gun cocking and the mutter cries of Havoc and Breda mixed with the cheerful banter of Alphonse Elric soothed his worry as he set to work.
It's not like Ed would hold a grudge, right?
Mustang nodded his goodbye to Hawkeye before entering his apartment. His ears were greeted with sounds of swearing and grumbling from the upstairs suite. Shrugging off his jacket and placing it on a nearby chair, Mustang cautiously walked up the steps listening intently to the tirade of his lover. HE needed to know that Edward was not still upset with him over the milk incident. The man was powerful in his own right and he wanted to preserve all of his anatomy.
Stepping into the room, Mustang lifted an eyebrow at the disarray that greeted him. In the middle of the trashed bedroom was his Edward on his knees head stuck in a closet giving him a delicious view of his derriere. Licking his lips, he quietly stepped behind the younger man, giving a firm swat to the tempting flesh displayed in front of him. Yelping, Edward jumped up hitting his head against a lower shelf swearing words that his own adoptive mother would be proud of.
"Fuck, Roy... that fuckin' hurt," Edward whined, rubbing his head.
"How can I resist such a tempting display, Edward? It was a sight to come home to," Roy drawled, locking his arms around the smaller man.
"You're too fuckin' smooth for your own good, you bastard. I'm still pissed at you for earlier," Edward complained leaning his head against his lover's chest. "But, we've got a problem."
"What's the matter, Edward? Why is the bedroom in such a sad state?" Roy inquired, resting his chin on the top of his lover's lovely head.
"IkindalostthatalbumwemadeIthinkImaybeatHawkeye'splace,"Edward murmued, hiding his face in his lover's shirt.
Roy blinked as the garbled words of his lover sank in. He was fucking screwed. There was a reason, he kept his relationship hidden. Sure, the military was his excuse. The truth of the matter of it—Riza was gonna fucking kill him for robbing the cradle...literally. She had every right to execute him if he fell from the path. He was screwed.
"Edward, are you sure? Why would it be there?"
The nodding of his lover with another muffled response increased his panicking, forcing him to let go of his lover and pace the floor.
"Damnit. We need to get it, Edward. If she finds out, I'm a dead man," Roy bemoaned melodramatically.
"Well, can't we just sneak in and get it?"
"That's suicide, her new house would be rigged, Edward. She doesn't like surprises."
"We don't have a choice, Roy. Unless you want her to find out…" Edward trailed off, watching his lover's face pale in fear.
"Tonight, then," Roy answered solemnly, missing the smirk that graced his lover's face.
Roy couldn't believe they were doing this. He was currently picking the lock of his right hand, dressed in black, praying that none of Riza's neighbors were nosey. Hearing the click of the lock, he rushed his lover into the house. Quietly shutting the door, he followed the younger man into the house.
Edward had called Alphonse with some excuse about Riza needed to get out more and that he should help her out. Ever the helpful, Alphonse had brightly agreed to it. He didn't have the time to ponder the implications of that.
"Edward, where did you leave it?"
"Umm, I thought her table. But, it's not there. We should check upstairs," Edward whispered, heading towards the stairway.
Roy watched in horror as Edward crashed over a small table creating a loud racket as his limbs flailed all over the place with the table and it's contents.
"Edward, in the unlikely event we live through this, we are going to burn the damn thing," Roy groaned, helping his petite lover up. "We need to hurry. One of her neighbors would have alerted her by now. I wouldn't put it past her."
Rushing up the stairs with Edward loudly following behind him, Roy mentally pictured all the ways Riza was going to kill him. Would it be her handgun? A firing squad? Maybe a sharp shooter? Would she employ Jean, as well?
Bumping into the solid back of his lover, Roy glanced around him peering into the room they were in. Swallowing he looked at his lover's grim expression and whispered, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah. She mentioned that she needed a new album for a project. When I asked her, she blushed and said not to worry about it. I had picked it up for her on my way home. I must have mixed up the two," Edward whispered, stepping into the hallowed ground's of Riza Hawkeye's bedroom.
"Roy, you should check the dresser. You know her better. I'd don't feel right...going through her girly things," Edward remarked, shuddering at the thought.
Muttering under his breath about the evil he was about to commit, Roy obediently walked over to the dresser. Kneeling, he began to peer in the drawers looking for the naughty album.
"Roy," Edward snapped, folding his arms across his chest. "Don't be an idiot, she would have buried it. You're gonna have to take things out."
Cursing under his breath, Roy blushed as he began to take out his officer's lingerie hoping to find the elusive item before Riza found them. Gingerly picking up a red and black teddy, Roy held it up against him when the barrel of a gun rested against his head and a flash of light blinded him.
Panicking, he felt the blood drain from his face as the cock of the revolver clicked in his ears. He didn't notice the snickering in the corner of the room as he was seeing his life pass before his eyes.
Was this how he was going to go?
Murdered by his best friend? Holding her lingerie? Oh, the field day the press would have with that!
Clearing his throat, Roy dropped the offending piece of material and whispered, "Riza, it's me."
"Sir?"
Nodding, Roy let a whoosh of breath escape him as he felt the barrel removed with a few shuffled steps. Dusting himself off, Roy gingerly turned around and faced his long time friend.
"Sir, would you care to explain to me, why you and Edward are rifling through my house particularly my lingerie drawer?" Riza questioned, folding her arms over her chest.
Glancing at Edward, Roy took in everything around him assessing the situation. He noted his lover's bowed head and trembling limbs; his eyes swept over the disarray of the room including the ruffled sheets. He could faintly hear footsteps downstairs and wondered over who she brought at back up to his murder. Lastly, he looked at his long-time friend, who was dressed in a casual outfit of a nice blouse, pencil skirt, and matching heels. Swallowing thickly, he stared into his Hawk's brown eyes absolutely certain his death was reflected back at him before taking a fortifying breath.
"Well you see...Fullmetal and I...we uh..got.."he stammered, nervously rubbing the back of his head. He felt as if Riza was peering into his soul as she quirked an eyebrow at his stammering.
"Sir, I know that couples need to experiment. However, my lingerie is a tad small for you unless you intended for Edward to wear it," Riza deadpanned taking satisfaction in the myriad of emotions flickering over her best friend's face as he sputtered to respond. Turning away, she smiled as Alphonse peered into the doorway, quietly trying not to laugh at the scene.
"You read to go?" he asked quietly, offering his arm to the beautiful blonde woman.
"I expect this to be cleaned up before I come back, Sir" she ordered, taking the proffered arm exiting gracefully with her date leaving a dumbstruck Roy Mustang and howling Edward Elric.
Roy groaned as he entered the office. Last night had not gone as planned. Far from it; it would seem.
After the fiasco, he had gone home and drunk himself into a stupor. Edward had claimed that he was exceedingly tired before giving him a lingering good-bye kiss.
He had mulled over the events of late and he could not pinpoint how Riza had found out. All the secrecy was for naught; it seemed. He would have to chat with her later. He was not looking forward to that conversation.
Walking into the office, he noticed his men snickering as he passed by them. Confused, he strolled into his office only to be greeted by a exceedingly large photo.
A photo of him holding Riza's black and red see-through teddy with widen eyes and a pink blush upon his cheeks.
Spinning around, he stared incredulously at Lt. Colonel Elric, who was lounging in his office chair feet propped on the desk. Sputtering, he watched his lover hold up his camera smirking impishly. Roy groaned as he realized he had been set up by his most trusted. Well played, well played. He smirked as he began to plot his own payback, ignoring the howls of laughter as he shut his office door.