AN: I swore I wasn't going to write about this. Then, I did. Spoilers for the finale sneak peek. Other than that it's all from my head. This is for you, Evie.
When All Your Love Is Gone
It starts with a secret.
There must be some sort of irony in that. It's not exactly a lie; she's simply skirting along the edge of deception with a plane ticket in hand, a silent rehearsal of lines streaming through her head. A compilation of reasons she'd be good at this job. All the things she's done to earn the opportunity. Her phone vibrates from inside her carry-on. She digs it out, pulls up her messages. Hope your not having too much fun doing paperwork without me. I'll call you after my meeting. Love you.
She takes a deep breath, fights the creeping doubt, the unease and guilt pooling in her stomach as she stares at the words, unable to respond. It's just an interview. It's just an interview. It doesn't have to mean a thing.
She steps onto the plane.
She makes it home in time for dinner.
He opens the door to his loft, immediately envelops her in a hug that takes her breath away. "Missed you today." He murmurs the words against her ear and her chest clenches the way it always does when he catches her off guard like this, proves to her again how much he treasures even the smallest things about their relationship.
In that moment she hates herself a little for questioning him, questioning their future. Because how can she question it when the proof of everything they are is wrapped up in his arms.
And this time it's not just love that leaves her stomach in knots. It's the feeling that she's about to dive off the deep end into something that could drown them both.
She holds onto him for a long time. "I missed you too."
It escalates into a fight.
Cold, unforgiving looks that leave her broken, battling back tears, incapable of building a defense. He calls her out and as much as she tries to explain, her words fall short, empty and hollow sounding even to her. They've been down this road of secrecy and lies, not so long ago, and it almost destroyed them before they could even begin.
He found the ticket.
How could she have hidden it from him?
She's alone now. Left sitting on the floor of her apartment, knees pulled to her chest, as the sound of the door slamming behind him echoes painfully through her mind.
There is no peace like this.
She finds him at the swing set. She tries not to think of the implications. The memories that wash over her in a flood as she suddenly sees the past two years flash before her eyes. Promises, forgiveness, rain soaked defeat, and a choice that changed both of their lives.
She sits opposite him, can't quite meet his eyes. He doesn't speak. The silence is deafening as the seconds tick by.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, unable to stand it any longer.
"For what, Kate? For lying to me? For not trusting me enough to tell me? Or just for the fact that I found out?"
She hangs her head. Another moment goes as she desperately tries to find the words to say. Anything to fix this. To make things right again. She hears him sigh and turns her head to watch as he runs a hand through his hair. His face is weary, full of so much pain. It cuts through her like a knife because this is her fault. Her doing.
"You're going to take it aren't you?"
"I…I don't know."
"What happens to us now…" Their eyes connect for an instant and she can't breathe. She doesn't have the answers and the moment passes by…just like that.
Silence falls again and even though he's right next to her, he might as well be a hundred miles away.
It comes down to a choice.
She's at work when she gets the official offer.
She takes the call in the stairwell. Grips the rail as she listens to the voice on the other side of the line. Two weeks to decide. She can start in a month.
As she hangs up she leans back against the wall, her heart pounding. She got the job. She got the job. She stays there frozen for a moment, silently willing her pulse to steady. She should be happy. She feels like she could throw up.
She turns back toward the door and stops for a moment, looks through the small sliver of windowpane, watching as Esposito and Ryan toss a ball back and forth, attempting to include Castle in their makeshift game.
He's dutifully showed up at the precinct all week, pretended to be fine around the guys, even though they've barely been speaking after work. She can tell the boys know something is up but still, they try their best to diffuse the tension.
Ryan fumbles the ball and begins gesturing wildly as Espo ribs Castle, clearly making fun of Ryan's clumsiness. Her heart swells as she sees the hint of a smile break across Castle's face. The first genuine one she's seen since the night he found her plane ticket.
Her phone buzzes in her hand and she's brought out of her thoughts by a text from Lanie. Results from the autopsy are in. It suddenly strikes her that this could be her last case.
She doesn't know how to feel anymore. It's all a mess in her head.
She shoves open the door and schools her features. One step at a time.
"I think you should take it."
Her head snaps around at the sound of his voice, cutting through the silence in her cruiser as they head back to the precinct after closing out the case. They're the first words he's said to her that aren't about the murder or a theory in over a week.
She bites her bottom lip. "I should?"
"You deserve the job, Kate. What you do for people…the way your mind works, attacks every challenge you come across, your passion. You're right. It's an opportunity for you to do more. And you'd be amazing at it."
"But, you're still upset with me."
He sighs, a tired sound. "It's not about the job. I'm upset that you didn't have enough faith in me or in us to tell me about it in the first place. To at least give me a chance to support you. I would have supported you. Does the idea of you leaving New York scare the shit out of me? Of course it does. Our lives are here. Everything we've built together is here. But how can we get through this if we don't talk about it? I'm your partner, Kate. Not just at work but in this too."
She feels a tear slip down her cheek, swipes at it quickly. "I know, Castle. And I don't want to make excuses. It was wrong of me to hide it from you. The truth is, the thought of telling you…the thought of losing you scares me more than anything. More than a job or a move or anything else. I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right choice is. I just know that whatever it is - wherever I go, I want you to be there with me. But I also know that's selfish. I can't ask that."
He looks at her for a moment, contemplating, and she holds her breath waiting him out. He reaches for her hand and she exhales shakily, the weight of everything between them seeming to ease slightly under the feel of his fingertips. She's missed his touch so badly. She's missed everything about him, about them, and it's almost too much for her to take while she's trying to navigate them through traffic. When she wishes she could just pull over and crush her body against his and never let go again.
"Maybe all you ever had to do was ask."
That night they talk as they cook dinner together. They make plans as they sit on the couch in front of the fire, wrapped up in blankets. They hold each other close in bed, neither of them wanting to let go. And she may not know exactly where they're going now, maybe no one ever does for sure, but she's certain of one thing - her future is with him.
It ends with hope, with love, and with forgiveness.
Thoughts?