Too Easy
Anything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling. Seriously.
The Daily Prophet
A Letter to the Editor: August 28, 2026
Concerning your recently published article about the so-called "Weasley Life-Style":
I would like to apologize for any misunderstandings you may have had when you visited the Burrow last month, and I'm taking this moment to set a few things straight. One: there is no Weasley life-style. We don't gather in the Burrow because it's "quaint and charming down to the very last brick" (as I think you recounted it), but because it is the home of our Grandparents. Two: the chickens actually are real. They're not a show. Just because you spent your life in the city smashed between two brick walls doesn't mean the country is fake. Three: that picture you published was entirely inaccurate, as it was taken nearly a year ago when the Quibbler did a small piece on the advantages of home cooking over eating at organized establishments. I remember, because the look on my grandmother's face when Xenophilius Lovegood began asking her about Nargles was priceless. In fact, I think the first three points are rather redundant, considering the fact that you've never been to the Burrow before in your life.
However, as you seemed so interested in the life of a Weasley, I found I couldn't help but oblige you. So here it is, an exclusive interview with one Lucy Weasley, and you don't even have to butcher it, as it's going straight to print.
Before I do anything too rash, I'd like to say I love my family. Their name-brand chaos is what I live for, at the end of the day. But in the beginning of the day, or even the middle, it really is an unfair situation to be in.
If you are a Weasley, there are always certain assumptions that go along with the name. Like, because my Uncle Charlie was kind of brilliant at seeking, and because my Aunt Ginny played for the Holyhead Harpies, I am automatically destined for the dried-up Huffepuff Quidditch team, despite the fact that I couldn't stay on a broomstick to save my life. And, because most of my extended family works at the Ministry, I apparently can get connections to any department for anything I need. I won't even go into that, answering it with a simple no. And, since I'm useless at anything that isn't academic, I must be the next Hermione Weasley.
No mention of the small detail that I'm not actually related to her.
Don't even get me started on Uncle Harry. Obviously he's a great guy and all that, but I can't think of one time when I've spoken to the man one on one. He spends most of his time with Uncle Ron's family, which makes sense, as they're best friends. Add to that the fact that my father is something of a pompous know-it-all and my grand total of time with Uncle Harry adds up to zero. Minutes, hours, whatever. Which is rather unfortunate, if you think about it. Now you have to go to a less talkative source for information on the Potters.
In the end, while everyone assumes they know everything about me, I can't tell you one person who knows my favorite song or that I write lame poetry on my days off of work. No one's come up to me and asked how my day has been in years. They come up to me and ask how my family has been, which is more than a little irritating.
Of course, it's not like I'm the only one who's misjudged in the Weasley clan. Those bullshit articles of yours really get around, don't they? To most of the world, Rose is the golden child, the "combination of her parent's best qualities", as you put it. Of course, the fact that she is a borderline alcoholic seems to conveniently slip your mind. You were also quick to slap poor Hugo with the dunce status, when he's probably cleverer than half of the Ministry combined. Victoire is a brilliant Healer, yet you label her as substandard without so much as a meeting. Again, you are assuming that possessing the surname Weasley means the world lays at our feet. You consider Dominique to be a bitch because she doesn't stop by your office every time she grabs a cup of coffee. Of course, Dominique is a bitch, but that's really besides the point. Fred is supposed to be "the great prankster of our generation", but really it's James that got that particular set of genes. He's got a legacy on both sides, mind you. Though you wasted no time in writing her off as "increasingly dull, despite the insanity surrounding her", Molly isn't exactly like our father. Albus is not a disgrace to the family because he was sorted into Slytherin. God, it's a stupid tradition that keeps people from making too many friends in school. If we can get over it so can you. Lily actually does have a soul under her perfectly groomed exterior. It's not my fault if she doesn't show it to you. Roxanne is brilliant at Quidditch, but her Beater skills are nothing like her mastery of potions, which she keeps under the radar, probably because of glorified gossips like you. And Louis is a good kid, damn it. He doesn't spend his allowance on Muggle drugs or sneak out to Hogsmeade on weekends. He doesn't have a collection of tattoos or extensive knowledge in the Dark Arts. Louis is probably the least likely out of all of us to do that shit, even experimentally.
But that doesn't sell, does it? Honesty? People would never buy it.
It's all too easy for you.
You, with the neatly curled hair and the Quick-Quotes Quill. You, with that large cloak you wear to hide your camera and those disgusting inch-long nails. You'll just fiddle with my words, twist them into the juiciest story you can. Heart-break and teen drama and all those trashy articles you'll never take back. My Grandmother cries every time she sees the name "Weasley" in the paper, and it sure as hell isn't from joy or excitement. But why would you care about that? It's just a game to you. You'll spend every moment of the next month poring over this letter, dissecting it until I won't even recognize my words. It's all a joke, something you do for fun.
But just know, Weasleys play to win.
-With Love
(By which I really mean "Kiss my Ass")
Lucy Weasley
I will take this coveted space below the story to explain my thought process. While Lucy Weasley is hardly the most likely to be bombarded with questions about Harry, I imagine she would still get it here and there. This is her not-so-subtle way of telling the world to get a life and leave her family alone, or pay the consequences. Of course, she also aired quite a bit of her family's dirty laundry... I don't know. It's too late (too early, really) for me to be thinking properly.
Thanks so much for reading.