It was not a very good day for the men of Stalag 13. Sergeant Kinch, one of Colonel Hogan's men, had just received word through their secret radio that an underground agent had been able to collect information that would be instrumental in helping the Allies to defeat Germany. They knew that their job consisted of getting the agent out of Germany and to America. The rest of the details had been sketchy- all they knew was that this agent was male, American, and had the codename of "Red Angel" due to his distinct reddish-brown hair. Unfortunately, Hogan and his men weren't the only ones who knew that Red Angel had the information. General Burkhalter and Major Hochstetter both knew that this agent had top-secret information and would try to get out of Germany, and they had very strong suspicions about how he was going to accomplish this feat.
Fortunately, Newkirk and LeBeau had been able to smuggle Red Angel in through the secret tunnel that connected to their barracks minutes before Burkhalter's and Hochstetter's cars had arrived. Hogan knew that getting this man in had been the easy part, but with the two Germans hanging around, not to mention the extra patrols that they had posted outside the main gates, it would be a different matter in getting him out again.
Upon meeting Colonel Hogan, and being introduced to Newkirk and LeBeau, Red Angel introduced himself, "Ashton is my name, sir—Richard Ashton. I understand that the underground contacted you earlier today, so you know why I must get out of Germany as soon as possible."
"Yes and no," Hogan replied. "I understand that you have important information that could be useful in defeating Germany, but that's all we know."
It was then that Richard produced three gramophone records that had been carefully hidden inside his jacket pocket. "The information that I have is recorded here."
"Records? Well, that's certainly different," Newkirk remarked. LeBeau nodded his head in agreement, while Hogan held up his hand so that he could finish talking to Richard.
"Getting you in was the easy part. But just minutes ago Kinch," Hogan motioned with his hand to his radio expert who was standing nearby" —he's our radio expert—informed us that two very dangerous Krauts arrived in Stalag 13. It's going to be difficult in getting you out. By the way, the other man is Carter," Hogan again indicated with his hand to Carter, who was standing next to Kinch.
Richard reached over to shake both men's hands before adding, "I was afraid this might happen. I had my suspicions that they were on to me. That's why I took the liberty of obtaining this," Richard said, holding up the third record. All five men could see that this record was different from the other two, in that it had some initial on it that read "N.G.G.Y. U." "I believe this record might help us."
Carter spoke up, "How is this record going to help us?" He watched as Richard whispered his plan into his commanding officer's ear.
Upon hearing Richard's plan, Hogan's eyes had their characteristic twinkle while he had to stifle his laughter. "It's too bad that you have to get out of Germany Ashton—we could sure use a man like you on this team."
"Then you think it's going to work Colonel?"
Hogan tried to keep a straight face while he replied, "If we're lucky, they'll still be wondering about this months from now." Hogan then told his men the same plan that Ashton had told him. All four men smiled, and, like their commanding officer, also had to stifle their laughter. Even in England and France, Newkirk and LeBeau respectively had heard of this common American trick. They agreed that they would carry out the plan that night after roll call.
Even though all five men tried to appear nervous during roll call several hours later since Burkhalter and Hochstetter were inside Stalag 13, they couldn't wait to pull off their latest plan. Kinch, with LeBeau's and Carter's help, had made sure that the sirens had been rigged to play Richard's third record by connecting Klink's record player to them. That way, when Klink's record started playing, all of the sirens around the camp would also go off with the same content. The Germans would be too busy trying to figure out what was going on to notice that Newkirk would be helping Richard to escape. Even though he tried to pay attention during roll call, all Hogan could think was I can't WAIT to see their reactions, referring to his three least favorite Germans.
After Schultz had dismissed his prisoners and Klink had walked back into his office to confer with Hochstetter and Burkhalter, Hogan and his men began to carry out their plan that they had combined with Richard's. LeBeau had lured Schultz into their barracks promising him some of his apple strudel, while Hogan and his men began to gather around their table to drink some coffee. They had hidden the record under some blank papers, but had made sure to leave enough of it showing so that Schultz would see it. Hogan smiled to himself as he saw Schultz take the bait.
"Colonel Hogan, what is this? You know that personal records are verboten!"
"What? This old thing?" Hogan asked, holding up the record. "It's nothing, right guys?" All four men shook their heads.
"So now you are telling me that it is nothing? Colonel Hogan, this is some more of your monkey business, isn't it? With Burkhalter and Hochstetter in camp I do not want to get in trouble so I must report this!"
"You can't do that Schultz! It's against the Geneva Conventions!"
"Taking incriminating evidence is not against the Geneva Conventions, and you know that," Schultz replied. With that he turned to leave the barracks, with the record in his hands. However, he allowed Hogan to accompany him to the Kommandantur's office. After Schultz had closed the door, Newkirk scrambled down the secret tunnel to help Richard escape, while Hogan's other three men went into Hogan's quarters to listen in on what was about to take place in Klink's office.
Upon seeing Schultz enter his office, he asked his Sergeant "What is it Schultz? Can't you see that I am a very busy man? Burhalter and Hochstetter have informed me that a spy with top-secret information is trying to get out of Germany, and you come here with…a record?"
"Schultz, what is this man doing here?" Hochstetter yelled.
"What we are discussing here is none of Colonel Hogan's nor your affairs!" Burkhalter agreed.
"I am sorry, Herr Kommandant, Herr Major and Herr General. But you know that personal records are verboten. And when I was questioning Hogan about it, he seemed very upset that I was taking his record," Schultz told all three men.
"Wait a minute. Didn't the spy used to work with a radio company as his cover?" Burkhalter asked of Hochstetter.
"That is correct, Herr General. Klink, I order you to play this record. It might be useful in catching that enemy to the Fatherland. I want Schultz out of this office, but I want Hogan to remain here so that we can catch Papa Bear once and for all. He must be helping the spy to get out of Germany."
"Schultz, you are dismissed," Klink said, sloppily saluting his Sergeant-of-the-Guard. With that, Schultz turned around and left the office. Turning back to Hochstetter, he replied, "Yes sir, that is exactly what I was thinking, I will play this record right away and…" Before Klink could finish, he was interrupted by Burkhalter.
"Klink?"
"Yes sir?"
"Shut up."
"Yes sir, shutting up now." Very carefully, as though he was handling a bomb, Klink set the record down on his player and placed the needle on it.
At first, all three men were completely dumbfounded by the noise that was emanating from the record. They all stared at it wide-eyed, since they had expected to hear secrets that would be detrimental to the war if they were revealed. At the same time, the contents of the record began playing on the sirens that were situated around the camp. With all of the guards' eyes, including Schultz, looking upward at the sirens, none of them noticed the shadowy figures of two men escaping through the woods, and then that one of the men turned around and went back into camp.
Hogan watched as three pairs of eyes turned in his direction, and he acted his best to be just as surprised as they were.
"Where's all the secret information?" Klink asked his American counterpart.
"Bah! What is this music?" Hochstetter half-asked, half-yelled at Hogan.
"What is the meaning of this?" Burkhalter asked with a suspicious expression.
"Don't look at me sir—I'm just as confused about this whole thing as you are," Hogan stated with fake sincerity.
"Hogan, you are to go back to your quarters and stay there until we figure this whole thing out. Dis-missed!" Klink said to Hogan with a sloppy salute.
Back inside Hogan's quarters, all four men finally released their laughter that they had been holding in for so long. They wished they could have been there with Hogan to see the three men's priceless expressions, but they knew they would have to settle for the fact that they had definitely succeeded in tricking them. Just then, Hogan appeared in the doorway, a broad smile on his face.
"Worked like a charm, didn't it?" Hogan asked of his three men.
"I gotta 'and it to you sir, those Krauts never knew what 'it them," Newkirk told Hogan through wet eyes. All three men nodded their agreement to Newkirk's statement.
"I'm just glad that we were able to get our friend and his secrets out of Germany" Hogan replied. He then motioned with his hand for his men to be quiet so that he could listen to the song's ending.
"Never gonna say goodbye/ Never gonna tell a lie…"
AN: I realize that the song wasn't released until July 27, 1987, as noted by Wikipedia, and therefore this couldn't actually take place. However, once I got the completely random idea of having all the main Germans RickRolled I decided to just run with it. (Also, the agent Richard Ashton is a fictional version of Rick Astley.)