Disclaimer: Not mine.
Category: Romance (S/J). Angst. No character Death.
A/N: Don't ask me what I was thinking. But it was school holidays over here in Australia and I was bored out of my mind. And it seems that just my first fic ' Juvenile Bonding' wasn't enough, so along came this.
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It was an incredibly boring day for Jack and the rest of SG-1. With no missions planned for the coming fortnight and no aliens attempting to take over their Gate, Jack's 'Mt. Paperwork' had actually managed to disappear. Must have been Thor's doing.
Teal'c had enough of meditating to last him a decade and Daniel and Sam, being the scientists they were, had annoyed the hell out of Hammond about lack of work.
So they all gathered in Carter's lab, since it was probably the most interesting place there was on the entire base save for maybe the Gate room and maybe the commissary. O'Neill's office was barely lived in at best, and Jack hoped to keep it that way. Daniel's lab was ... crammed full, as per usually with its 'rocks' and Teal'c didn't really have anywhere, so it seemed natural for them to 'socialize' in Carter's lab.
Jack fiddled with various things in the lab, he liked doing it, Carter was so cute when she tried to stop him, and plus he got the extra attention. Anyway, he managed to amuse himself and Carter just fine. The Colonel would go around looking for things that could, should and probably would be broken and went ahead with his mission. His 2IC would follow either saving or literally picking up the pieces of one of her precious 'doohickeys'.
So far, O'Neill had managed to get himself a paper cut that ironically hadn't come from paper. He also had a small gash on his neck on his neck from being too engrossed in an odd looking spring and not noticing the incoming 0.05 DHJ (that's 'Daniel's- hand- to- Jack') pacer missile. And to finish off the still pending list of mishappenings, a slight electric shock from touching some kind of potato- looking gadget or vegetable of that description. But he survived. O'Neill had dealt with worse.
Finally, Sam gave up picking up after him and had Teal'c restrain him with the help of a flyswatter.
You see, the rest of SG-1 had discovered that their leader had an intense dislike for hairy green caterpillars. The Colonel had emitted an almost girlish scream when Teal'c pointed out that there was a 'green and potentially dangerous creature' on his shoulder.
Jack hadn't even bothered with a sarcastic remark; he'd just run around the room, trying to find a way to get it off without touching it. So he'd tried to rub it off on someone or something. Daniel and Teal'c quickly moved out of the way when he came towards them, so Sam ended up being the 'someone' as she was still cleaning up the last mess he had made, not that she minded that a handsome Airforce Colonel was rubbing against her.
She looked onto her shoulder and saw the slightly squashed but none-the-less alive creature wiggling on her shoulder. Daniel rolled his eyes and mumbled an uh-o' and exchanged glances with Teal'c. If Jack had been intimidated by this innocent looking green caterpillar (and Jack being intimidated was saying a lot), who knew what sort of reaction they could expect from Sam.
Daniel braced himself for an oncoming scream, but one never came. He uncovered his ears and opened his previously squinted eyes to look around and see one of his best friends cooing at the creature.
"Hey little guy." Poke. Poke. "Are you alright there? I'm sorry the Colonel had to remove several of your limbs." She shoots her CO a glare and he holds his hands out and shrugs. "You are so cute. I'm not going to hurt'ya."
The little green creature was poisonious, yes, but Carter had spent many hours studying different types of creatures like the one now in her possession and wasn't concerned about that fact. Jack on the other hand, had no idea at all, and was terrified. Sam's hand reached for something in the draw behind her and suddenly a fly swatter appeared. The three men in the room watched in horror as her face took on an evil expression.
"Car-ter! I thought you just said he was cute and you wouldn't hurt him, she, it... that thing."
"Defending him now are we, Colonel?" She raised an eyebrow in Teal'c-like fashion, beside O'Neill, Teal'c himself did the same.
"I was leaning in the general direction... but just because I don't like it doesn't mean that you have to kill it for me!"
"Who said I was going to kill? I trust you're a man enough to do that you're self." Sam's eyes sparkled as she remembered the day hey had met. Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean that YOU can handle everything that I can. "No. The Colonel here and myself are going to have some fun... together."
She scooped up the 'Colonel' in one smooth motion without amputating any more limbs and held it towards her Commanding Officer in a threatening manner. "Apologize."
O' Neill shook his head firmly eyes darting nervously between Carter and her bug. Shrugging, Carter handed the swatter to Teal'c who followed her instructions to hold Jack hostage with his namesake while she finished up cleaning up the potato mess. The little spud had sort of half detonated into some green sludge, but Carter had it cleaned up in no time, that's what the HEPA filters were for. Stick it under there, there's no need to call the HAZMAT team.
When she was finally done, she turned back to her friends and gestured to Teal'c to hand her the flyswatter. I'm going to have a little fun with Jack.... I mean the colonel.... I mean both of them. Jack, who had been anticipating this move quickly moved out the door and into the hallway.
The officers and technicians quickly moved out of the way of his way, wondering why his was running away from his own 2IC's lab. Closely behind him, was the aforementioned 2IC brandishing a bright pink flyswatter. Bright PINK! What the hell was Carter doing with a bright pink fly swatter anyway?
O' Neill paused near the elevator; he knew of one place that he might be able to get rid of Carter, but it wasn't on Carter's level. If he caught the elevator, she ran the chance of getting enclosed in the same confinements as Sam and her bug, and that was NOT an option. Quickly, he pushed open the door to the nearest un-alarmed fire escape and took the stairs down the level where Hammond's office was.
Unfortunately for Sam, she was about a hallway and a corner behind Jack, so she had to guess he'd go to Hammond's office or the briefing room. She slid her card through the slot and poked at the elevator button in hopes that it would arrive quicker. It came just as she was about to stab the button again, and she took the ride down to the correct level, for what seemed like eternity.
It was odd that he'd go to Hammond's office, but they were in there at all hours, so what did it matter. It's just as well Jack doesn't know that this thing is poisonous! Sam though impatiently as the doors started to grate open. Because it is and he'd go through the roof... Uh I mean... out of the Sub-levels and onto the Surface. Why can't these doors open quicker?
Jack quickly knocked on Hammond's office's door and was told to enter. After seven years and various run of boredom, Hammond was not unaccustomed to odd visits from those under his command, especially SG-1 who would visit him almost daily, even for no reason. He too was suffering from a quiet time on the base, and he quickly hid the Game boy that he had previously confiscated from Colonel O'Neill.
"What can I do for you, Colonel?"
"Well, General, with all due respect, I know you may be busy, but I'm here to seek refuge from Carter and..." Jack was interrupted by a knock that adjoined his CO's office to the briefing room. "Her bug."
The General shot him an semi- amused glance and invited the person on the other side to enter. The door swung open and in walked a smug Carter, flyswatter and all. Sam watched as O'Neill shrunk closer towards Hammond's side of the desk, and hid a smirk as she bounced the end of the flexible swatter lightly, up and down.
"Carter! Don't do that!" Jack yelp.
"Do what?" The innocent expression was just plastered all over Carter's face.
"That bouncing thing you're doing?"
"Why not, sir? Is it bothering you, sir?" she inquired sweetly, continuing to bounce.
"Yes it is. That thing could go flying any minute. And it is NOT trained in aviation!"
"Sir, with all due respect, the thing does not have wings, nor does it have a flight plan filled out. It will not leave this erm... instrument," She paused gesturing with her free hand. "As the way I move it affects the gravitational forces and creates a anti- gravity environment within which the contents...."
"I get it." Jack said with his cute, 'Yeah... I really understood what you just said.'- Expression.
"So Colonel, just who or what were you seeking refuge from?" General Hammond spoke for the first time.
"Uh... Major Carter and her worm... sir."
"Samswormus Namedcolonelius or caterpillars, thank you very much." Carter corrected, stopping her swatter bouncing.
"Major?" Hammond questioned. "Care to explain."
"Well respect sir, SG-1 has no missions planned for at least the next fortnight. I thought it would be a good idea for me to educated Colonel O' Neill on his creatures. Given the nature of our jobs, and what we come to see almost every time we are on a mission, I did not expect him to react in such a way."
Carter was still looking at Hammond and hadn't noticed that O'Neill had come around to stand next to her. Jack gingerly put two fingers on the edge of the 'pink insect squasher' and pressed down gently before releasing.
"Colonel!" Carter yelped, but not in a frustrated manner directed at Jack. No, she was more concerned on matters regarding the whereabouts of her now MIA bug.
"Where is he, O' Neill? I know that you know where he is! Tell me!" She glared at him threatening him with her flyswatter. Jack looked at the pink object. For someone with such talent in the technological field, you'd think she'd have something more advanced than a flyswatter, a pink one at that.
O' Neill looked her over and there, on a strand of hair on Carter's neck, was 'Colonel' clinging for his life. "Oh, there's not a chance in hell." He muttered, he frowned as it sounded familiar. Ahh right, the Shevi'dai. That blue dress. That place where women get second-class status. She looks great in blue.
He chuckled to himself as Hammond asked her. "The Colonel, Major?"
"The caterpillar, sir." She sighed and continued to look for her insect, not trying not to move in fears of flattening the bug.
"Oh? Colonel O'Neill has a namesake?"
"Not me. With all due respect to the both of you, there are several other Colonels on this base, sir." Jack interrupted not wanting to have an insect named after him.
"Yes, but are the only one that we know of that we can refer to as just the 'Colonel'. You, along with SG-1 are known all over the base for your exploits over the years."
"We are?" Carter asked, momentarily distracted.
"I am?" Jack said at exactly the same time. "I mean... The thing is on your on your neck, Carter."
"Oh. Thank- you sir." Sam said, and to the insect she spoke. "Come on little guy. It's okay." She gently prodded what she thought to be the 'bum end' of the insect, to find that it was in fact the head, "Come on...ouch... shit." She instinctively jerked her hand away from the site of the bite. As she did so, she felt a tiny sting on her near her carotid. Carter flicked the insect onto Hammond's office and mercilessly slammed the swatter down on top of the insect with a loud satisfying SMACK!
"You killed him!" Jack said in horror, he may not have liked the insect very much, but still, that was no reason for it to be dead. He looked down onto Hammond's desk where a sheet of paper with the President's name on it, lay with a decidedly lumpy brown-green stain on it.
Sam didn't say anything; she had started to feel numb and fuzzy at the same time, moments after her retaliation. The room wouldn't stop spinning, her face had paled considerable, but the Colonel took no notice.
"For cryin' out loud, Carter! How many times do I have to tell you? Not to play with alien looking things everyday, and yet you still continue to do it everyday. And that thing was definitely alien, it was green and brown! Those doohickeys you have in your lab should be considered a biological hazard, if not an occupational one, I almost got zapped to death by that potato looking thing."
Hammond looked over at his 2IC's 2IC (does that make her his potential 3IC?). Carter had turned a pale color and wasn't looking very stable as she listened to O' Neill make a few more choice comments about either getting back at Carter; who had dropped the flyswatter and was gripping the chair in front of her hard enough for her knuckles to turn white. It was very un- Carter like, and Hammond was about to order Jack to shut up when Carter beat him to it.
"It's not funny sir." She said quietly, trying to glare at O' Neill. "The Samswormus Namedcolonelius caterpillar's bite is poisonous. In fact it kills almost twice as fast as a blue-ringed octopus. First you get a numbed sensation, and then small muscles start to paralyze. After that is anaphylactic shock..." Carter started to loose balance and fall to the floor mumbling the words 'die', 'fifteen' before passing out completely in Jack's arms.
"Crap." O' Neill muttered. "Um sir... I..."
"Go. I'll call Fraiser."
"Thank you sir." With that, he was soon out the door and in the hallway with Carter in his arms, heading for the infirmary, ignoring strange glances thrown his way, concerning the fact that his second-in-command was flying un-conscious in his arms. Oh... the rumor mill was going to be overloading today.
By the time they got to the infirmary, Janet and her team were already waiting for them. She quickly got a description of the insect and a Latin name (strangely it was from Jack and not Hammond) and shooed O' Neill, out.
Knowing that Janet was not likely to allow him in while they worked on Carter, he wondered around the base, sulking until he found Teal'c and Daniel.
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O' Neill located them in commissary, stuffing themselves with carrot cake with some kind of green icing (probably in attempts to make it resemble the coloring of a carrot.) making Jack remember the squashed bug probably still on the President's letter. Sorry Mr. President. He turned his attention back to the two in front of him. The Daniel and Teal'c were trying to see who could eat the most cake, and Teal'c was definitely winning. Duh.
He also noticed personnel stealing glances at him. He sat down at the table next to Daniel and asked, "Why is everyone looking at me?"
"Apparently, they thing that something happened between you and Major Carter. Some say there is something romantic going on; others are collecting their winnings of bets on when you and Major Carter would elope. I myself have collected a large share of winnings."
"Whoa there Teal'. What bets? There is nothing going on between me and Sam." Jack muttered an afterthought, not realizing he was referring to his 2IC by her first name. "Though I'd love for they're to be."
"Really, O'Neill. Major Davis said he say you carrying Major Carter in your arms..."
"Oh for cryin' out loud! Don't you people have anything to do but gossip! Gossip is nothing but trouble, even I know THAT! She was sick and I...." He noticed heads turn as they heard him speak. He ceased his comments as he realized how it must have looked for him, her CO to be running down the corridor with her, his 2IC in his arms. Though it just felt nice...
"Hey Jack, where IS Sam by the way?" Daniel cut into his thoughts.
"Sam went into anaphylactic shock, Fraiser's probably working on her now. Or she could be lying, cold and dead on a slab in the morgue..." He didn't get a chance to finish what he was saying Daniel's mouthful of cake crumbs exploded across the table.
Heads from around the room turned, curiously as they wanted to see what could have possibly caused the spray of cake to be expelled from the usually reserved anthropologist's mouth. "I'm sorry, but Sam's what?"
"She's in the infirmary right now. I bit her and she went into anaphylactic shock."
"Why and where, did you bite Major Carter, O' Neill?"
"No! No!" Jack said exasperated, waving a hand in front of his face. " I mean...I didn't bite her. I mean the bug. She named that Samswormus Namedcolonelius thing Colonel."
Daniel looked shocked. "You remembered the name?"
Jack looked at Daniel as if he had two heads. "I'm not as stupid as I make everyone believe. It's just easier to get out of Article 32 that way."
"What happened to Major Carter, O' Neill?" Teal'c asked rather calmly, although anyone who knew him well enough would have easily seen that he was very concerned about Carter.
Jack explained the events since he had escaped the swatter, how the caterpillar guts on Hammond's papers had resembled the cake that they had been eating and getting her to the infirmary. Daniel looked ready to puke, even Teal'c looked decidedly green as he too pushed away the cake.
"Can we go see her, Jack?" Daniel asked, getting up. He was going to go to the infirmary regardless of the answer.
"I don't know, Janet kicked me out and then I came here."
"You just left? You didn't even argue?" Daniel asked, again in amazement.
"Well, I... let's just go see Sam." He said as Teal'c and Daniel followed behind him.
O'Neill and his friends arrived 15 minutes after he had first departed from the infirmary. In the waiting area, they alternated between sitting, pacing and twiddling thumbs. Jack was about to snap at Daniel for pacing and shake the hell out of Teal'c for being so calm when Janet walked in.
"How is Major Carter?"
"Is she ok?"
"Can I go see her?" Janet shot Jack a disapproving look before her expression changed and he spoke to him softly, knowing he would be affected the most.
"Jack... you might want to sit down. What I'm going to tell you..."
"Oh God..." Jack buried his head in his hands.
TBC.....
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LOL! What a way to end a chapter! Should there be more? Please Review and tell me.
P.s I know Janet is technically dead, but in my stories, I like to write her as still alive.