AN: Part of a multi fandom angst project at LJ. Not a happy story, not really an Emily/JJ story, forgive my own projection of pathetic bitterness onto dear Emily. No real point to this, but I found it rather therapeutic to write. Just me trying to find my way back into Emily's head to finish my unfinished CM fics (bad bad me, world's words updater). And yes I know 'Un Belonging' isn't really a word. Anyway, Take this little piece for what it is, and enjoy :)
Un-belonging- Emily Prentiss
"I belong in this unit. And all I'm asking for is the chance to show you that."
She remembers the day she boldly proclaimed those words. Fiery determination pulsing through every part of her. She thoroughly believed them as she spoke. But she had no idea just how true they would become. No idea just how much she would grow to belong. No idea at all that what she was walking into was not just one of the most prestigious jobs in the FBI, but something she had never known, something beyond her wildest imagination- a family.
She remembers meeting JJ. Remembers the first time JJ's hand brushed not so accidentally against her own. The first time she felt safe. The first time she felt like she meant the world to someone.
She remembers when JJ first became engaged to Will. She remembers feeling like it was the most painful thing that would ever happen to her. That losing JJ was the only thing that could ever hurt her. That she would never recover from those wounds of abandonment and betrayal.
She remembers, most of all, being astounded- as time, and the team, healed her wounds a little more each day.
Losing JJ hurt, she can't deny it. Watching her, day by day, that man's baby growing inside of her, was excruciating. Being so close to her, and yet so far removed, was torture. Yet it was all very polite, professional, pleasant in the work place. They had been amicable to the point of absurdity.
'This is hard for me.' JJ told her one day.
'Hard for you?' Emily asked, voice dripping with incredulity. And despite the bitterness, she found herself feeling pity for the blond woman, as she stood before her visibly distressed.
How hard it must be, JJ, to have everything- Emily thought to herself- Someone to share your life, a beautiful child, an amazing job.
Emily felt engulfed by darkness. Her hope, her worth, her dreams, shattered. Emily felt like she couldn't breathe. Like she would never again be able to breathe. Emily felt like she couldn't keep on going, just couldn't keep putting one foot in front of the other.
And then, JJ was gone.
And Emily Prentiss found, to her extreme guilt and horror, she was relieved.
Emily found that the absence of JJ somehow hurt less than the constant daily reminder of everything she had lost.
Emily found, to her incredible surprise, that life went on. Life wasn't really so unbearable without JJ by her side. She had her job- she was good at it. She had the team, she was part of it. She made a difference. People valued her. She had a place, and she belonged.
Emily had tried hard to keep her flawless mask of perfection through all of this. Not to betray to the team just how devastated she was, just how fragile. But after JJ had left for maternity leave, things changes subtly. It was almost indiscernible the way the light slowly flooded her eyes again as she smiled, The way the spring found it's way back into her step as she walked.
She was ok, she would be ok. She didn't need JJ.
And then, JJ came back.
JJ came back, smiling. JJ came back, with his ring on her finger. A gleam of pure bliss in her eyes, flaunting her baby pictures to Aunty Penelope and Uncle Morgan.
And Emily stood there, despising herself for the bitterness creeping over her. Emily stood there in silence. And JJ did not so much as look in her direction. Long after the others left the room, Emily was still standing there, bewildered. Wondering how she could have been fooling herself for so many months that she was over it, that JJ didn't matter to her in the least. That she just didn't care anymore.
Emily had not seen that baby boy, not since the day he was born. She had sent cards, gifts, all the socially appropriate things. But she had no desire to see him, to be reminded. She has nothing against him, he is just a baby. Innocent in all of this. And when she chances to accidentally let her gaze fall to the pictures discarded on the desk in the empty room, she is forced to admit- the little boy is strikingly beautiful. She is forced to admit, motherhood suits JJ. She is forced to admit, JJ made the right choice.
She had never begrudged JJ happiness. She had never stood there pleading 'JJ please don't do this.'
Emily wanted JJ to be happy. And truth be told, Emily never believed JJ made the wrong choice.
The following week Emily had been tightly wound, snapping at colleagues, distancing herself from the team, refusing invites to drinks, keeping to herself, speaking only when spoken to, and sometimes not even then. It was so much harder, even all these months later, to pretend she just didn't care. So much harder when JJ was right here, right in front of her every single day, unable to contain her happiness.
It isn't long before Hotch calls her into the office.
"Emily..." He begins, but leaves her name hanging there, uncertain how to continue. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes." She answers. She gives nothing else away.
"I am concerned." He tells her. "You don't seem to be yourself. Everyone has noticed."
"Are you unhappy with my work?" She asks, defensively.
"No." He answers. "Not at all. But this is a close team, we have to be able to depend on one another, to work closely together. I need to know that everyone has their mind on the job. Our lives depend on it."
"I am aware of that." She answers succinctly.
"Perhaps you need to take some time." It was an order, not a suggestion. His tone leaves no doubt as to that.
"Perhaps." She answers him. There was a time she would have fought harder, trying desperately to prove, to pretend, that she was fine. That she was competent to do her job, that she belonged. But she is tired. So tired of pretending. If he wants her to leave, perhaps it is for the best.
"That'll be all." He dismisses her, clearly uncomfortable with the meeting.
She didn't hear the concern in his voice, or see the helplessness in his eyes. She saw, she felt, only disappointment and condemnation emanating from him. It's too much.
She didn't hear the compassion in his tone as he suggested she take some time off. She heard only his desire to see her gone. Heard only that she was not good enough. That she was letting the team down. That she was no longer needed, no longer wanted. That she didn't belong.
She can't face the others, can't face goodbye. Not if she wants to keep herself from falling apart right there in the middle of the workplace. She isn't certain what she would say anyway. That she is sorry? That she will miss them? She doesn't want them to know what a nasty spiteful selfish person she really is. That she just can't stand to see JJ, day after day, so happy without her. It's best to just leave, no need to prolong the inevitable with dramatic farewells and inadequate explanations.
'Take some time' he had told her. He meant- take a few weeks, get your shit together and come back. But what she heard was this -'You don't belong here anymore. So, don't bother coming back.'
As she forces herself to hold her head high, taking those last steps out of the BAU- she can't help but wonder. Is she really walking away from the one place she belonged? Or did she never truly belong here in the first place?
She honestly doesn't know the answer.