Author's Note:One-shot from Jonathan's point of view on his feelings for Alanna sometime during In the Hand of the Goddess, before he kissed her.
It was hard not to stare. And so funny. As I sat there on the windowsill and watched the beautiful Court ladies walking by, but my eyes would not be torn from the little red-headed squire. You'd think that my eyes would be on the gorgeous girls who surrounded me; many of whom kept asking me to dance. Each time I declined delicately by telling them that I had injured my leg and did not feel up to dancing, but the truth was that all I cared for was Alanna.
Every time I saw her my heart skipped a beat. Even as I watched her fail at wrestling with the boys, as I saw her work so hard to achieve her dream. Every day and every night she was fighting a battle that no one in Tortall's history had dare fought before, and it made me realize how insignificant I was. How was it fair that because I was heir to the throne I would be the one who would be famous, when she was the one who was working so much harder?
In all of my dreams I could never see this ending well. My father was not harsh, so I knew that if she did indeed win her shield he would not strip her of that right, even when he found out she was a girl. But… I couldn't help but think that she would become something of an outcast. Perhaps she would live her dream; doing great deeds and such. Yet it was me who would become famous. For whatever reason, everyone in all of Tortall would know the name of Jonathan of Conté—me.
My heart felt heavy in my chest as I watched Alanna's face turn slightly pink as she declined one of the ladies of the Court to dance. I could see her laughing with Gary and Raoul after the girl walked away—they were clearly teasing her. She turned a light shade of pink again, and Gary grabbed her around the neck and ruffled her hair. Raoul chuckled, and shot a glance at me. I didn't miss the words on his face. "Why aren't you over here, Jon?" it said.
I shrugged in reply to Raoul's unspoken question, and turned my gaze out the window. Outside it was pitch black; glowing pinpricks dotted the velvety black canvas of the night sky. I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window, staring at the bright moon and wishing these troubling thoughts to go away.
No one ever knew exactly how I felt, and no one could ever know. Not even Alanna. She could not know that when I looked at her shivers trailed down my spine and my heart climbed into my throat. Nor could she know that my blood went from feeling like ice in my veins, to being as painful as roaring fire. She could never know. It could not be. Yet I yearned to taste her sweet lips, feel her strong body… It would feel so different from any other girl.
My eyes fluttered shut and in the blackness behind my eyelids I saw it. Alanna's sweet face, a wide grin on it as she and I laughed together. I could see the uncertainty in her eyes after a moment as she watched me look at her. And then finally the fear that slowly replaced the uncertainty as I leaned towards her, and gently pressed my lips to hers. I wasn't sure if she was shaking or if my heart was racing so fast I could not hold still. When the kiss broke her expression was between confusion and anger.
"Jonathan? Are you not feeling well?" Alanna's voice broke me from my thoughts, and I felt a red flush inch across my cheeks.
"Just a little tired," I replied. Never… we could never be…