If i don't go that far

by Claire O'Mack

A J/P exploration of the episode "the chute". How far do things have to go before Janeway realises something she has known all along. definitely M rated

I did make a rule for myself, about not writing stories based on certain episodes. Not because I thought they were to easy, but because there was already several quality stories about them. I am however breaking this rule. This is an AU story based on the chute, this time Paris and Janeway are stuck together, it was an idea I just couldn't leave alone, please enjoy.

If I don't go that far.

The first thing I noticed, other than the fact that I was in prison of course, was the smell. Somewhere between rotting flesh and open sewage it invaded every part of me, my clothing, and my hair. The next thing was the cold, not once had I felt warm in this place, the constant shivers that racked my body were now being ignored, both by myself and my companion. Tom had been here an entire day longer than I had, in that time he had managed to get a pretty good idea how everything worked around here. I on the other hand was still learning. The first night had been awkward, we settled down in our shelter, not much more than a sheet draped over two wire meshes, with a couple of sheets of cardboard on the floor. There had been a sizeable gap between us, Tom's body had faced away from mine, and in some way I felt responsible for the distance. Earlier Tom had tried to hold me to stave off the shivers that were threatening to consume me. I had pushed him gently away, but he had gotten the message. He did not try to touch me again. On that first night however I craved his warmth. Sleep was elusive, and the sounds reverberating around the prison made me jumpy. I had scratched at the clamp on more than one occasion. Mindful however of Tom's warning about not trying to remove it. I wondered how much effect it was having on me, and for that matter on Tom. I finally inched my way closer to him, pressing the front of my body along his back, burying my head in his warmth. He had tensed up, I could feel him holding his breath. I smiled slightly against him, and wrapped my hand around his waist. The size difference made it awkward, but I did feel better, knowing he was right there, under my fingertips. He didn't say anything, and neither did I, we didn't need to. Somewhere in our sleep we must have exchanged places, for when I woke in the morning, I found Tom clutching me to his chest, like a child with his favourite teddy.

We did not mention our sleeping arrangements the following day. We were too busy. I was searching for materials to make a device to penetrate the forcefield covering the chute. While Tom had been out scavenging for food and water. When Tom had returned a few hours later, he looked blooded and exhausted. I went to him immediately, pulling him down to sit next to me on a blanket I had found abandoned in a corner of the prison. I asked him what had happened but he would not tell me. His eyes were wild, and his hands constantly scratched at the clamp. I decided not to push him at this time. I simply laid him down in my lap and rationed out the supplies he had found. I figured we wouldn't have to go out the next day, which was a good thing, because being exposed made us vulnerable. I noticed that Tom had fallen asleep in my lap, and not wanting to disturb him, I contented myself with stroking his brow with my fingers. Even under the dirt and sweat, his skin was soft and warm. I was mesmerised by it, far more than I should have been, but for that moment I allowed myself the indulgence. Upon his wakening, we shared out some of the food, and I insisted that Tom got the bigger portion. He did argue with me on this point, but his effort was half hearted at best. It wasn't long after that the lights began to dim. The prison night had started, it appeared to be on some kind of random setting, something else Tom said they used to drive the inmates crazy. Like the clamp wasn't enough. I was far from tired, and Tom who had not long woke from his nap felt the same. Unable to see anything in the darkness, my plan for working on my tool was soon discarded, and we were once again sat in silence.

Tom had spoken first, asking the inevitable question about Voyager finding us. Other than reassuring him that they would not give up looking I had no more information on the subject. When he noticed me shivering again this time I allowed him to hold me. We quickly climbed beneath the blanket, his hands wondering up and down my back, attempting to rub the warmth back into me. Not for the first time did I wish I had worn my uniform. It had been shore leave however, and Chakotay had forbid me to where it. So I had chosen a simple summer dress, it was warm on the planet and I had no reason to consider thicker layers. Tom was not dressed much better, he had chosen a light shirt, and something called jeans. Apparently they were all the rage back in the 20th century. Now as we lay huddled beneath the dirty, smelly and somewhat stained blanket, I finally started to feel warmer. Tom's hand was tracing a pattern on my lower back, the lowest arch of the sweep came only inches from my behind. The warmth I was feeling was not from the heat under the blanket, but from something far more primitive. The flush on my cheeks radiated out across Tom's chest and I was positive he had noticed. His hand was getting lower each time he rubbed at my back. My hands were tightly pressed against his chest between our bodies, I spread them out so that my palms lay flat against the solid muscle under his shirt. I did not consciously start rubbing his chest, but it seemed to happen anyway. My soft caresses of earlier now repeated, this time with its recipients knowledge. Toms hand became bolder, now lingering across the plane of my back, where it met the rise of my backside. His fingers curling possessively downwards, and clenching slightly, causing me to press back into his hand. This was all the encouragement he needed to cup my buttock fully and press me to him. My hand running over his shirt clad nipple as he did so. His slight intake of breath made me smile to myself, as he moved the hand that had been supporting his own head to my chin. Lifting my face to his he looked at me with questioning eyes. I answered by kissing him. Lightly at first, but the kiss became heated quickly. His hand finding the back of my head, and waist, as I pressed firmly against him. I was closer to Tom Paris at that moment than I had been to anyone in the past three years. My senses were on full alert, and my pulse was racing in my ears. Yet I still managed to push him away after a few more moments. He had looked disappointed for a second, but his nod of understanding shortly after told me we were going to be ok. We had fell asleep not long afterwards. The shivers did not return that night.

I was surprised that the following morning nothing was mentioned about our little encounter the night before. I had quickly set about constructing my device, and Tom had gone off to see if he could find me more supplies. He promised he would only be gone a short while, I had found it almost impossible to concentrate in his absence. The clamp itched and paranoia was setting in. Tom had said that would happen first, then came anger, and after that was anybody's guess. Now I found myself standing up and pacing just outside our shelter. It was a risky move. Not only could I be spotted by someone walking past, but I could also give away the location of our hidey hole. Fortunately Tom had returned shortly after I had began my feverish pacing. We exchanged a few quite words, and I finally relented and apologised for my actions. He wasn't really angry with me, but the clamp had heightened both of our emotions. We spent the next few hours working on our escape plan. It was still light inside the prison, but we were both bone weary. Climbing under the covers together, this time there was no pretence. Tom pulled me close to him, this time my buttocks were nestled in his lap, and his hands wondered over my collar bone and over the rise of my left breast. I pushed up towards him, pressing my breast into his hand until his thumb grazed my nipple. The hiss of breath I let out caused Tom to jump slightly behind me. The evidence of his arousal pressing its self in to the crack of my buttocks. This sent a wave of heat from my belly into the lower regions of my body. I couldn't help but press myself back against him, giving a wiggle as I went. It was Tom's turn to muffle a gasp, as he pressed his lips against my neck, and fully cupped my breast with his hand. I felt like liquid fire under his fingers as they played with one breast then the other, tweaking my nipples until they almost hurt with need. I could tell Tom was aching as well, his pelvis was rubbing against my backside insensately now, and I knew I could not leave him in this state. Turning over I pressed my lips to his briefly, before wandering my hand down and under the waist band of his jeans. He was hot and solid under my palm, his soft flesh felt smooth, sending another bolt of desire through me. But this was for Tom. I stoked him slowly at first, encouraging him to lie back and simply enjoy it. He fought at first, trying to touch me, but I stopped him with a firm hand on his shoulder. He didn't last long after that, getting up he cleaned himself off and came back to the warmth of the blanket. I had kissed him, and quickly said goodnight.

I was grateful when the next day had been the same as the first. Nothing was said about what had happened between us, but there was a subtle change in the way we acted around one another. For a start, I went with Tom to find food and water. I left my project hidden in our shelter, and a booby trap should anyone try to enter. It had taken us several hours to find supplies, and we had been spotted by a number of people. My presence here was far more dangerous to our plan than I had realised. Almost all of the inmates had been staring at me. Their want clear as glass, but when they saw Tom coming they all scattered out of the way. I wondered what he had done to evoke such a reaction from the others. I asked him later that day, as we stood outside the chute as I examined it more closely. He had hesitated for a long time, but finally he revealed that on his first day he had managed to injure a pretty high ranking inmate, and when I had appeared, somewhat drugged and incapacitated, had managed to fight off everyone to protect me. For a moment I felt both honoured and scared at what he had done. I reached out and gave his shoulder a small squeeze, our eyes locked for a moment before I returned to my work. In that moment however I could see the promise of what was to come later.

Night had come quickly that day, we had still be out, looking for water, which seemed to becoming more and more scarce. In the darkness we managed to find our way back, shelter thankfully untouched. I disengaged the booby trap before we entered, and finally we both collapsed on top of the blanket. After a little supper, which was in fact our first and only meal of the day, we quickly retreated to bed. This time Tom wasn't taking no for an answer. He immediately pushed me on to my back, pressing his lips to mine, in a gentle kiss. I stopped fighting quickly, and allowed him to roam his hand across my bare thigh. My legs were separated by his knee, which was resting on the cardboard below. The blanket drew up almost over our heads. I am sure that it was some kind of unconscious attempt to muffle our slight cries and groans. Tom's hand wandered higher and higher, until it met the cloth of my already dampened panties. The nervousness I felt about him touching me there was all but gone as he bushed his fingers along the line of my sex through the material. The hiss I let out between my teeth, all he needed as encouragement to continue. His hand now wandering below the line of my underwear, and finally making contact with my burning sex. My hands reached out and grasped his shoulders, working there way across his back and then around his waist. His fingers now pushing their way inside me, and my hips ground down onto his hand. I had to turn my head to the side and bite on my lip as Tom's fingers skirted across my swollen nub again and again, and my hands found his arousal under his jeans. As my hand closed around him, Tom's fingers stopped their administrations and I growled slightly in frustration. His soft laugh and removal of my hand, started his movements again. It wasn't long after that, that I broke apart, shaking with release until I fell boneless beneath him. I took my time with him that night, wanting to make him last, but with all the teasing, and probably the clamp, he shuddered under my hand far sooner than I would have liked.

It had been three full days now since we had been together, four since our original capture, but there had been no sign of a rescue attempt. There were no guards here, no one to ask about any appeal. No we had been left to rot hundreds of feet underground, and slowly driven mad. My tool was nearly ready for an attempt on the forcefield, but I needed to find a power cell to charge the magnetic coil. Such a thing was not easy to find in a place like this. We had attempted to get at the lightening systems, seen as we knew they had to be getting power from somewhere. This proved useless. Then we found a man who had an old battery which he used to power a small heat lamp in his shelter. His price was me. Needless to say we did not accept those terms and went on our way. Later back in our shelter I put forward the idea of offering the man a chance to escape if he helped us. Tom had been less than enthusiastic about the idea, but had finally conceded that it may be our only option. Having spent the entire day looking for a power supply we had nothing left to eat. Going to bed on an empty stomach was not ideal, but I decided I had something to take Tom's mind off of it. It was strange I thought as I pulled of his jeans, and revealed his manhood, how easily we had slipped into all of this. From first night fumblings to now. It was a strange thought to be having as I closed my lips around his throbbing warmth, and after Tom's first groan it had vanished. I worked him slowly, pausing to lick the head, then take him in only to the tip, and finally as much as I could get into my mouth at once. Using my hand to close around the rest. Tom was watching me as I did this. His hand lightly stroking my head, never pressing down, or forcing me to take more of him in. I felt his climax coming, but it was Tom who pushed me away, I had been prepared to take whatever he had to to offer. Now he was panting, but still hard and his hands landed on my shoulders and pushed me backwards. I knew what he wanted, and I furiously shook my head. The panic that overwhelmed me in that moment stopped Tom in his tracks. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him I was worried about getting pregnant. It was a lie, it had barely been a week since the doctor had given me my birth control injection, which would last for up to six months, but I knew Tom would not question me on this point. He didn't nodding quickly and pulling me up to his mouth for a forceful kiss as I placed my hand on him once more. In this position we could get to one another easily. Sitting face to face hands roaming the other, like a blind man studying a special map. We knew each other well now, and soon I was panting under Tom's fingers. I bit down on my lip pretty hard as I came, not realising that at the same moment Tom was making a mess of my hand and the cardboard underneath us. Afterwards I waved off the apology, and ripped the piece of offending mattress off and threw it outside. I whipped my hand off on the blanket. It was already pretty stained, one more wouldn't hurt.

In the morning I went looking for more cardboard, and Tom went to find the man with the battery to offer him our deal. We didn't really want to separate, but we knew it would get done much faster if we did. Things were getting pretty desperate now, having eaten very little, and drank even less, our bodies were shutting down. Not to mention the clamp. The constant paranoia, the anger that I kept hidden just below the surface everyday, and let out but clamping my teeth onto my own lip at night. I knew Tom was suffering to, and I also knew it wouldn't be long before something bad happened. When we met back up later that day Tom had better news than I. The most I had found was a slightly stale roll and a cup of water, and nothing to replace our ripped up mattress. Tom reported that the man we had met however was interested in our offer and would meet us by the chute at first light. I knew neither of us would be getting much sleep that night, for more than one reason.

Tom's head had settled between my thighs, he had constantly been mumbling my name, like it was some kind of treasure. I guess in a way it was, since before all of this he had probably said it only once before. At least to my face. As his mouth descended upon me, his whisperings stopped and my own groaning began. He was merciless in the way he teased me, lapping at me so slowly that it sent bolts up my spine, but was never enough to push me over the edge. When he finally started picking up speed, my hands clamping in his hair to keep him pressed to me, he pulled away firmly before I crested the wave I had been on. I growled at him then. My insides ached for him, all of him, and I realised that was his trick. I hissed at him to finish me off, shaking my head as he watched me. I felt my own hand reach down in desperation to cum, but it was battered away by his hand and finally he relented. Attacking me with his tongue and his fingers. I thought I was going to break when it finally happened. Tom had to silence me with his hand as a gluteal scream escaped my lips. Afterwards he simply laid down behind me and pulled me close. My protest about returning the favour ignored, in favour of letting me sleep. Later when the night seemed to stretch for an eternity I repaid him in kind. His mouth full of my breast as he repeated my name over and over. This time not making a mess of the bedding.

At first light we met our man at the bottom of the chute. I managed to disable to forcefield, and climb all the way to the top. What I found sent all my hopes crashing to the ground. We were in space, on some kind of station, there was no way we were getting out of this situation without help. I slid back down. Coming to land at Tom's feet, he could tell by my face something was wrong. When I explained what I had seen, the man we were supposed to be breaking out with went a little crazy. Tom took care of him.

Now we sit together hunched in our small shelter, we had a heat lamp now, it was little comfort. The food we had also taken was stored away in my little hidey hole. Neither of us said anything, it was starting to unsettle me. I was still a little bit in shock after today's events, and as I looked over at Tom I am sure he was to.

"You know they will do everything they can to find us." I said now as Tom scratched some innocuous pattern into the floor.

"I know, but I also know we can't last much longer, the clamp." Tom replied as I simply nodded at him. I felt it to. The constant pull of emotion, the lack of control.

"Maybe we should rest?" I suggested and Tom looked at me then, there was something different about him tonight. He was more withdrawn, less eager to sit close to me. I closed the gap myself. Running my hand across his thigh, I reached around until I cupped him through his jeans. His response was a slight jerk of his hips, and a tightening of his body.

"Kathryn." He hissed looking at me now, but removing my hand at the same time. I feel confused, slightly scared that he has finally come to his senses and has decided this is no longer a good idea.

"I want to make love to you." He said then, and for a moment I was taken aback. I didn't know how to respond to this. Make love, it was such an intimate way of saying have sex.

"Tom look we talked about this." I said immediately putting up my defences and pulling away from him slightly.

"I know and I understand, but I don't have to, you know, inside you." Tom replied and I felt his embarrassment also at the vocalisation of this.

"I know but its still a risk, even if it is a small one." I reply fighting the urge to simply give in to my more basic desires. There was something about crossing that line that made it all different. On some level even after all we had done, I was still keeping him at arms length, and for the first time, I realised Tom knew this as well.

"Then I think we should stop, its getting to hard." Tom said now looking away from me, and at that moment I feel my heart plunge somewhere near my feet.

"You don't mean that." I said after only a few moments, coming up behind him and placing a kiss on the base of his neck. Right where I knew he liked it the most. It was a dirty trick, but I couldn't help myself. Tom responded, pushing back against me and turning his head to find my lips. This clamp was a powerful thing, and right now, my body was screaming for release. Before I knew it however, I was sitting in Toms lap. His hands pushing my dress up and discarding it on the floor beside us. His mouth immediately latching onto my breast. I pushed against him, my hands raking through his hair as he teased my nipple with his tongue. Unable to resist, I grind my hips down on to his erection, my panties and his under shorts all that separated us from finally completing our elongated dance. He continued to lap at my breast, while he trust up against me. My juices soaking through my underwear and on to his. It didn't matter though, I ignored it and pushed my hand down between us and rubbed him through his pants. Tom grunted around my breast and I smiled over his shoulder. Finally going beneath his limited clothing and feeling his hot shaft against the flat of my hand. He lost contact with my chest then, throwing his head back and pushing against my hand. I gripped him, firm enough to cause him to thrust up against me, and I rocked myself against his thigh. Creating a sweet friction, that did little to alleviate the burning between my legs. It was then I felt his hand on mine, pushing it away as I ground down on to him.

"Kathryn, Kathryn stop." He hissed at me, even though he was still lightly pressing himself against my inner thigh.

"Why?" I ask somewhat breathless as his eyes rake in my body.

"Because I don't want this to be something it's not. I want you, all of you, not just your body." Tom said now holding me around the waist and stilling himself below me. I pause to, feeling the weight of what he has just said. I consider my options, we could never be rescued from here then what would happen. It didn't bare thinking about, but it would mean avoiding the consequences of facing what we had done back on Voyager. Or we could be rescued tomorrow, and then how was I supposed to deal with all of this.

"Tom I am not sure that is possible, I can't be your Captain and your lover, its just too hard." I say now feeling a little exposed as I sit almost naked in his lap.

"I don't understand how it would be easier if we don't make love." He replied and I could tell he was genuinely confused. At that moment I thought about why I hadn't given in long ago, why even after he had given me the best orgasm of my life, and held me afterwards I still wouldn't cross that boundary with him. The slight laugh that came out of my mouth after a few moments caused Tom to scowl at me. I quickly whipped that look off his face with a deep kiss. Pressing myself down on to him, and getting a reaction, far more deep than the ones I had previously. Taking my mouth away from him, and looking him in the eyes I found myself drawn into them for a moment.

"Make love to me Tom." I whisper in his ear, his slight growl sent a wave of desire straight through me. I press down on to him, then he is lifting me and tearing off my panties, which then join my dress somewhere on the floor. I pay no attention to them as I watch him remove his underwear. Gazing down at his sex fully erect and a lick my lips. Sitting back down on his lap, I grind myself down on to him, this time the feeling is so much better. Skin on skin, slick and hot, I can't help but moan against his shoulder as his hand works its way between us and finds my sweet spot. I thrust against him, causing his erection to slide against me, his head finding my entrance and pushing at it. I grunt slightly the angle is off. It hurts and Tom quickly moves his hips, raising me slightly and guiding me into a better position. His eyes hold an offer of apology, but I simply place my hand on his face, touching him gently as he finds my opening again. This time I sit slowly, taking control. It is uncomfortable at first, having been so long, my sex it small and unused. Tom's fingers help me relax, my hips spreading slightly at the stimulation. Now he slides in more easily, until he is finally inside me. We are hip to hip, my hands go to his shoulders, and his rest on my hips. At first his thrusts are small, I can see him watching my face for any signs of discomfort. When I assure him that I am alight by pressing down as he thrusts up all bets are off. He pumps in to me like he is trying to push out through the top of my head. I can't help but throw back my head, and feel my walls clamp down around him, as wave after wave of pleasure rips through me as he continues to pump inside me. I regain the use of my neck as Tom starts to grunt under me. I watch him, watch my breasts shake as he bangs against me. Until finally he starts to pull out. I stop him with my hands firmly on his shoulders. For a moment he pauses, his eyes wide as I shake my head and sit down on him hard. He gets the message and quickly places a hand between us and flicks at my nub.

"I can't" I shudder as I feel myself already scratching towards the edge of oblivion once more.

"Yes you can." I hear him whisper as his pounding inside me, and his talented fingers have me biting down on his shoulder and gasping his name. Tom follows me shortly after, I feel his hot seed fill me, and his erection pulse inside me as it happens. My own walls clamping against him, and I wonder again why I didn't let this happen sooner.

I raise my head as he lifts me off him and I settle back down against his chest.

"I'm sorry." I say after a few moments. Tom's hand stills in my hair as I turn to him slightly.

"What for?" He asks, but I suspect her already knows what it is I am apologising for.

"For not doing that sooner." I say and I feel his hand start to caress my hair once more.

"It's ok I understood, I was afraid to." Tom admits and I am slightly taken aback by his admission.

"I guess there is good reason to be afraid, getting out of here, it now holds as much difficulty as staying in some respects." I continue as Tom takes in a deep contented breath.

"So why were you so against making love to me?" Tom asks after a nice peaceful silence and I feel myself tense up. I had thought he would drop the matter, now that it was no longer an issue.

"I guess, I thought if I don't go that far, then I won't fall in love with you." I say closing my eyes and blocking out the world for a moment. The silence that followed was harder than I had ever imagined it could have been.

"And now." Tom said finally his hand coming to rest at my neck.

"Now I realise I had fallen in love with you long before that had happened." I reply, feeling his breath caressing my neck as he reached forward and pulled the blanket up and over our bodies.

"Good, now I have a reason to get the hell out of here." Tom replied with a small chuckle. I allowed a small smile to drift across my lips before I pulled up my panties and quickly found my dress. One thing about this place we had learnt was to be prepared for anything. It wasn't long before that theory was put to the test, and we found ourselves racing for the chute as Tuvok and Harry came piling out of it with compression phaser rifles. I simply looked at Tom and smiled, he returned the gesture as Tuvok quickly led us back up the chute and into an awaiting shuttle.

"I guess its time to get on with the rest of our lives now Captain." Tom said as he sat beside me on the shuttle. Harry looked at us, with an obvious awkward unease.

"I guess so Tom, but I have a feeling things are going to be far more interesting from here on out."

THE END