Wow! I'm so excited about writing this, I could literally kick a balloon Pokemon through the ceiling! Jigglypuff looks a bit nervous, I don't know why. It's OK, all you have to say is the disclaimer and then we can get this parody on the road.
"But...you're not Foxpilot...YOU'RE AN IMPOSTER!!!!" Growls Jigglypuff.
Well YOU'RE about to do a barrel roll through the ceiling, and this time, there ain't gonna be an air mattress to save your skinny backside!!!
"Meep!"
Yeah...you'd better meep. Now get on with it, please.
"Kattheamazing does not own any of the characters, otherwise they would all be dead or rocking back and forwards in a corner, disturbed for all eternity. Oh, and credit goes to Foxpilot because he actually wrote this fic, Kattheamazing just screwed it up because she though it would be FUNNY, which it isn't."
Excellent...NOW FLY!
After receiving a viscous kick, Jigglypuff 'barrel rolls' through the ceiling and floats off into cyberspace.
Now, let's just start this already before Jigglypuff comes back for revenge...
Your eyes seem to pierce my soul, their very essence embracing me.
Your skin reminds me of clear, pure water, such a rare commodity where I'm from
That I've learned to treasure it unendingly.
The petals of your flowers are soft and tender, and I am soothed by your joyous hum.
For so long I've wanted to express my feelings for you.
It is only as I write this crap that I realize you can't read!
"SCREW THE BITCHES WHO INVENTED PAPER!" Ganondorf screamed, crushing the love letter in his hand. He looked wildly around his room, trying to find something to let his anger out on. He spotted his favourite toy bunny, Snuggles, and got ready to hurl the ball of paper at its head, when something even more annoying burst through the door.
"HeLLo FLUffy bunnY MaN. U iz MissiN the paRTIez DownstairZ." Crazy hand sounded slightly more demented than usual.
"I don't want to go to the stupid frigging party! I'm busy releasing my inner creativity...or something along those lines." Ganon said nervously, hiding the ball of paper behind his back.
"Ur RealLY meAn fLuFy BunNy Man. I evEN BoUGHtz yOU a cOSTUme!" Crazy hand protested, holding out a freaky-looking bunny outfit. "PLEAZ wEar iT FluffY BuNny mAN!"
"If I wanted to scare some innocent children, I might consider putting it on."
"PLEAZ!" Crazy hand whined. "I tELLBiG bRo U iz BeInG MeaNZ tO mE!"
Ganondorf considered his options. If he didn't wear the costume, Master Hand would force him to wear a frilly apron instead. Bunny or Apron? Bunny or Apron?
"Alright I'll wear the freaking bunny outfit!"
"YAYz! U pUT iT oN whILE I goEZ TO pARTIez aND Get mORE dRUGZ...I Meanz, PIE."
"Have fun..." Ganondorf grumbled, before getting hit in the face by the bunny costume as crazy hand threw it and whizzed out of the room.
A few minutes of bunny-outfit hell later, and Ganondorf plodded grumpily down the stairs of the smash mansion to the second floor. Luckily for him, the smashers were all so busy being stoned, trying to hit on people or beating the living crap out of eachother, they didn't notice him. That was, until...
"Hey, is that who I think it is?" The question came from a slightly pissed-looking Wolf.
"No way..." Link gasped, staggering along towards his friend. "IT'S DA EASTER BUNNEH!!!!"
Suddenly, every single one of the the smashers was sent into a mad panic. Some were trying to run for their lives, clearly because they had been abused and/ or raped by the Easter bunny when they were small children, e.g. most of them. (I mean, who hasn't been abused by the Easter bunny?).
Wolf O'Donnell slipped quietly into the shadows, sneaking behind the small handful of smashers that were left and Ganondorf. Nobody noticed as he made his way silently up the stairs.
Meanwhile, the remaining fighters confronted Ganondorf.
"You killed my father!" Growled Peach, coincidentally dressed as a Jedi Knight. Ganondorf gave her a 'WTF?' look. "I don't know why you're looking at me weirdly. It's obviously true." She protested.
"I know the Easter bunny killed your father, I was just looking at you weirdly because your outfit is scaring the living daylights out of me. Seriously. I thought you'd come dressed as a fairy or something."
"How am I supposed to make crappy Star Wars references without an outfit to go along with them?"
"Fine, I forgive you. I'm guessing you people are here for revenge as well?"
Fox, Ike, Kirby and Luigi all nodded.
"Oh...I don't suppose you'd believe me if I told you that I wasn't actually the Easter bunny?"
Peach, Fox, Ike, Kirby and Luigi all shook their heads.
"Dammit."
There was a pleasant pause, in which Ganondorf checked that his tail was properly stuck on so that he didn't lose it in mid-battle and end up having to fish it out of someone else's dead remains. He then realised that he could have used an apron after all, it was going to be torture trying to get the blood stains out of his bunny outfit.
Unfortunately, before he could ask if he could go and get one, the smashers burst into a mad raving charge at him.
Ike was in front, ready to attack first. He leapt high into the air and lifted his sword above his head, ready to deliver a powerful strike, when Ganondorf rolled his eyes. The smashers screeched to a halt, and watched as the king of evil stepped aside, dodging Ike's attack by centimetres as the knight landed.
Instead if trying to wrench his sword out of the ground, Ike stared sulkily at Ganondorf.
"Why did you do that? It's not very nice to roll your eyes at people. I'm quite sensitive you know..." The knight was already close to crying. Ganondorf rolled his eyes again, this time causing Ike to burst into tears. "MEANIE!"
"Talk about overreacting!" The Gerudo sighed, in a more camp voice than he'd intended. "OK, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to upset you, I only rolled my eyes because I thought...that the costume you're wearing is absolutely disgusting, you look like a freak, anyone can just sidestep your air attacks because they're so damn crap and your hair annoys me. Please change it."
"B-but I thought that a Mohawk would be an interesting change-" Ike sniffed, shell shocked.
"Well it isn't! If you want my advice, go jump off a cliff."
"WAAAAAHHH! THE EASTER BUNNY IS SO MEEAAN!" Ike sobbed, jumping out of the nearest window.
"Cliff, window...same thing." Ganondorf grumbled. "Alright, who else wants to kill me?"
Peach, Fox, Kirby and Luigi all put their hands up.
"Oh yeah, I forgot. You all do."
This time they attacked from all sides. He kicked Fox, who was sent flying through the window after Ike. "Pathetic...my granny has more balls than you-" Ganondorf called after him, before getting kicked in the crotch by Luigi. Fox then leapt back through the window, obviously having grabbed hold of the window ledge, and pulled out his gun. Then he decided to aim it at Ganondorf's privates.
The dark lord was already rolling around on the floor in agony, and knew he couldn't take another hit to his 'special' area.
"You wouldn't...you wouldn't shoot an innocent rabbit-" He squeaked.
"Oh but I would. I'm afraid that your bunny bawlz are about to get roasted, any last words?"
"I do have a few, actually. I'd just like to ask, who are you meant to be dressed as? I mean, you look kinda familiar..."
"I'm wearing a sombrero and and poncho. Who do you think I am?"
"Uh...Mr Saturn?"
"I'm Mario, you idiot! You're the most stupid rabbit I've ever met!"
"Dude, Mario isn't Mexican."
"What? He so is Mexican! Everyone knows that, right guys?" Fox said, turning to Peach and Luigi for assurance. They both gave him a 'WTF?' look.
"Aww! MY COSTUME IS A FAILIURE!" Fox sobbed, throwing the gun down on the floor. Ganondorf stood up, feeling slightly better, and walked over to him, placing a comforting arm around his shoulder. He walked Fox slowly over to the window as he spoke.
"Listen, buddy. We all have times in our lives when we say and/ or do something that makes us look like a twat, but there's really no need to feel bad about them. Of course, I'd say the same thing about you but there's no point, because I'd rather just throw you out of a window and laugh at you instead."
Before Fox realised what was going to happen, he had already been shoved out of the window, the Easter bunny's EVIL laughter echoing behind him. The dark lord was still chuckling evilly to himself when he turned around to find that there was a lightsaber being pointed directly at his face.
"Just because Fox is a weener, doesn't mean he deserved to die." Peach said, before pausing. "Actually, let me rethink that statement a second...Fox IS a weener, and he DID deserve to die, but if you think that you're pushing me out of a window then you're-"
Ganondorf rammed his shoulder into Peach before she could finish the sentence, sending her flying towards the window. Luckily for her, she just about managed to grab hold of the windowsill, and was just about to clamber back up, when Ganondorf walked over to the open space, looking down at her with a sad expression.
"I have something to tell you..." He spoke solemnly.
"Well you'd better make it quick, because my delicate fingers are burning like hell!"
"Peach....I AM YOUR FATHER!"
Prolonged silence.
"B-but...I don't want to be related to a psycho rapist bunny. I want to be related to a cute, fluffy, innocent one!"
"I'm afraid that I'm as far from cute and innocent as you can get...but I am QUITE fluffy, actually." Ganondorf said happily, hugging himself.
"LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!" Peach wailed. "I might as well just let go and die!"
"Meh, go ahead. It's not as if the Peach fan club give a shit."
It wasn't long before there was something that sounded like Princess Peach falling from a window, and then it all went quiet. Ganondorf turned round, sighing to himself. This battle had just been too easy.
"Next." He called. Luigi stepped forwards. "What's your name, son?" Ganondorf asked, putting a hand on the plumber's shoulder. "Actually screw that, I already know. It's Luigi, isn't it?"
Luigi shook his head.
"OK...how about you tell me your name then?"
"I AM SUPER NINJA WAFFLE CHEESECAKE!" The plumber exclaimed, going into his ninja pose.
"Just because you're dressed like a ninja-"
"-A super waffle cheesecake ninja."
"But how the hell do you expect me to guess that, when you're just dressed like a normal ninja? Where does the super waffle cheesecake part of you come from?"
"YOU ARE INSULTING MY RELIGION! THE SUPERNINJA WAFFLE CHEESECAKE APPRECIATION SOCIETY WILL KILL YOU!"
"Dude, you've had too much sugar today, haven't you?"
"No...I don't think so...SUPERNINJAWAFFLECHEESECAKE HAHAHAHA!!!!! No...definitely no sugar..."
"Well since I'm here to beat the crap out of you, I guess there's only one thing left for me to do." Ganondorf sighed, picking up Kirby who had been rocking back and forwards in a corner, disturbed by how badly Foxpilot's fic had been screwed up. "Eat marshmallow, freaky ninja plumber thing!"
He hurled Kirby at Luigi, but instead of getting hit in the face by the marshmallow, Luigi flipped over the attack, leaving Kirby to carry on flying towards the window screaming "WHY MEEEEEE?"
"Wow. That was pretty impressive."
"Not as impressive as this." Luigi exclaimed confidently, pulling out several waffles from his ninja belt. "These are my ninja stars, except they are waffles!"
"Yeah, I can see that. Please don't tell me you're going to throw them, though. This outfit isn't machine washable!"
Ignoring the statement, Luigi unleashed his ninja waffles on the dark lord, who stumbled backwards with each powerful hit. It seemed that he was heading the same way as the other smashers, towards the window of doom. He was leaning over the edge, about to fall, when Luigi finally ran out of ninja waffles.
"Ha! You can't defeat me! Nobody-" Ganondorf shut the hell up when he noticed that Luigi was now holding a gun, aimed coincidentally at his 'special' area. "Why are you doing this? Ninjas aren't allowed guns."
"Screw the ninja rules, I'm a plumber! I'm allowed to shoot bunnies in the crotch if I want to!"
"What have I done to deserve this?" Ganondorf squeaked, now terrified.
"Every single Easter, you put Bob-ombs in my bedroom instead of Easter eggs. Do you have any idea what happened when I walked over to them?"
"They blew you up?"
"They told me from the Easter bunny that I didn't deserve to live, then blew me up." He sniffed sadly. "MY CHILDHOOD WAS RUINED! NOW DIE, YA MUTTHA F*CKIN' BUNNEH!"
Ganondorf didn't even have time to meep before the laser beam slammed into his privates, causing him to topple backwards out of the window of doom. His last thoughts were of the ones he loved as he fell. If only he could have survived to see their sweet little eyes, glittering like stars as they danced in the moonlight, or whatever random shit they might have been up to. He was about to come up with some more possibilities, when the world gave way into darkness.
The king of darkness awoke with a pained grunt, sitting up from where he was lying, now in his own bed. A fuzzy white shape swam before his eyes, and as his vision cleared, he realised just who it was.
"Master hand...um what happened yesterday-"
"-was all your fault, which is why I'm confiscating your bunny outfit, and making you dress like a woman instead."
"Fine by me! I'd rather people laughed at me than tried to get revenge on me for taking away their childhood dreams, killing their fathers and/ or raping them in their sleep."
"I'll just pretend I know what the frick you're talking about."
"It was...complicated."
"Indeed...anyway, put this apron on and start washing the dishes in the so that I can get some sexy shots of you from behind...I mean, take some photos for my user guide called 'How to wash dishes for fricktards and other household failures'. "
Ganondorf growled in reply, taking the apron that master hand had been holding out from him, and marched upstairs to the kitchen.
"I'll just go get my camera..." Master hand muttered in a stalker-ish voice, flying off in the other direction.
Ganondorf grumbled as he worked. Mainly because Master hand was trying to get pictures of his backside, which gave way to some serious questions about his sexuality and profession. Apparently, not only was he the commentator for all of the brawls, but he was a 'nature photographer' in his spare time as well. Ganon didn't want to know which side of nature Master hand photographed, but it was most likely that it wasn't the innocent side.
"Keep working, sex slave...I mean, household appliance!" The hand exclaimed angrily, noticing that Ganon had gone into a daydream. The king of darkness shook his head, straightened out his frilly apron, and was about to reach for other plate from the massive pile beside him when...he came in.
"Having fun, Mr bunny?" Wolf smirked as he entered the kitchen.
"I'll have you know that I'm not a bunny any more-"
"-He's a playboy bunny instead, aren't you, sex slave?" Master hand said in a stalker-ish voice before nudging Ganondorf, who was muttering words that were so bad they didn't even make it into this fic.
"And darn sexy you're looking too. Can I buy him?"
"NO! HE'S MY FUNNY BUNNY!" Master hand bellowed.
"I was joking by the way." Wolf said.
"Oh...I knew that."
"Look, I don't belong to anybody, and can we drop the bunny thing? That stopped being funny about seven chapters ago." Ganondorf sighed angrily.
"This is only the first chapter-" Master hand began.
"-Well it feels like chapter two hundred and seventy freaking five! Now will you tell me why you're here, Wolf? Preferably BEFORE I rip your bloody head off!!!"
"Jeez, dude. Don't get your frilly underwear in a twist. I just wanted to deliver some presents, that's all." He smirked, handing seven new plates to Ganon.
"Sometimes I wish I hadn't survived falling out of that window." Said the dark lord grimly.
"I saw that, it was hilarious. Mainly because you almost died." Wolf commented.
"Thanks." Ganon huffed, desperately trying to stay cool. "Hang on a minute, you weren't even there. Heck, I didn't even see you leave the room. Where exactly were you yesterday?"
"I was...uh..."
"WATCHING PORN! I BET HE WAS WATCHING PORN!" Master hand screamed triumphantly.
"Yeah...I was watching porn. I mean, who doesn't these days?"
"Not me." Ganondorf pointed out.
"That's because you're a loser!!! Only hardcore people like me watch man-I mean, woman porn!" Wolf growled, making a hasty escape from the kitchen while he still could, leaving a slightly bewildered Ganondorf behind. After a few moments of reflection, he continued to work, placing six of the plates that Wolf had given him onto the pile beside him. The one in his hand had held some sort of meat slathered with giblet gravy.
Ganon's eyes widened slightly as he looked at the shape that the gravy had formed. It looked just like…
"A P-" He started.
"-PENIS!" Master hand cut in before he could continue his sentence. "That's what it looks like!"
"That WAS NOT what I was going to say!" Ganondorf protested.
"Yeah right."
"Interesting fact. Not everyone in the world is a sick-minded stalker glove like you."
"I like stalking people..." Master hand muttered distractedly.
"Sometimes I think that you're as bad as crazy hand. Actually, you're worse." The Gerudo sighed, dipping the plate into the sink and washing away the image of his love...
The next day was one of the most important moments of Ganon's life, and he didn't want to mess it up. It was his opportunity to capture the true love of his life. He was battling his room mate, Olimar; one of the most pathetic, yet strangely bad-ass fighters there was. If he wasn't careful, he would miss his chance, though, and would have to wait until his next battle with the midget-captain dude until he could claim his reward.
"3..." Master Hand called. Ganondorf squared up his quivering opponent. This was going to be way too easy. "...2..."
The short captain squeaked in terror.
"...One..."
Ganon smiled EVILLY.
"GO!"
And that's the end of this chapter. I decided to end it a bit earlier than the first chapter did in Foxpilot's story, simply because it was getting extremely long because I was enjoying writing it so much. Consequently, I also finished it a lot earlier than I thought I would, so yay! OK, I'd better go, Jigglypuff is uttering death threats through my LOCKED window...
Please give comments, I love to know what you guys think :)
Until next time, whenever that may be.