Lindostiltskin

by Jandalf the Orange

The completely pointless sequel to Lord of the Clings by me under a different penname...RANDOMNESS ALERT! R&R

And now for the most pointless fic EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

************

Once upon a time, a looooooong time ago (and I mean really long ago, when tooth floss hadn't even been invented), there was a village, in the land called the Mire in Bottom-Earth. Yes, my creativity is lacking.

Anyway, in this strangely familiar land was a dwelling in a hill with a square purple door. This house was affectionately called Bake End by its owner, who had momentarily abandoned her house because of a new job.

The paragraphs you have just read are almost completely irrelevant to the story.

On with the stuff.

(Yeah! Whooo! Stuff rocks!)

Okayy…

Now we're going to move to a different place in Bottom-Earth. It was called the Forest of Crazy Doom. The King of the forest, Chelsegorn, sat in her newly constructed castle, fortunately now made of something more durable than cardboard: duct tape.

Yes, Chelsegorn used to be the Queen of the Forest of Crazy Doom, but she got bored and decided to change her title. Which, as you will soon find out for yourself, didn't really affect her boredom at all.

She stared out the window (the windows were still made of saran wrap) and sighed, horribly bored. Her boredom was the only thing that got in the way of her being not bored, as some stupid sort of philosophy would state, etc.

Today was a rainy day; the rain that actually got through the miniscule gaps between the crazy doomed trees pitter-pattered down on the duct tape roof.

Chelsegorn stared out the window till she thought she might burn a hole through it with her line of vision, and set about trying to stare a hole through the window for the lack of something else to do. After all, no one lived in the Forest of Crazy Doom except for her and a few squirrels that she talked to. But the squirrels didn't like the rain and slept through the day.

She was wondering how long it would take to burn a hole through the window by looking at it and was beginning to think about doing a few calculations on the matter when a horse completely covered in mud came galloping up to the castle of Crazy Doom, dragging along its not-so-very cheerful passenger on the ground by the bridle.

"Whoaaaggllgglggllluuubbbb," yelled the passenger as she promptly got a mouthful of mud.

Chelsegorn, thoroughly excited at the prospect of company, ran downstairs, forgetting all about her crazy and doomed window.

"HIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!" she yelled out the door as soon as she had figured out to open it (yes, it had been that long).

Jandalf got up gravely, covered in thick mud. "Hi." She turned away from Chelsegorn and kicked the horse, who happened to be Shadowfax under the mud, but who would have guessed? "That's for bucking. Minions of Xendor." She turned back to Chelsegorn. "Where's the shower?"

Chelsegorn pointed up into the sky.

"Hahaha, very funny," she said, giving a mud-covered scowl.

"Okay, okay. C'mon in."

***

After Jandalf had showered and somehow gotten all the mud out of her orange robe (well, she was a wizard), she sat with Chelsegorn in the enormous reception hall. "Why do I always have to be the one with the initial message that determines the remaining events of the story?"

Chelsegorn wasn't paying attention. "Mmm………huh? What?"

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Look, apparently the narrator finished Lord of the Clings and is now working on its sequel:…"

"Ooh, what's the sequel?"

"I was just about to say, when you cut me off. It's…"

"Go ahead, I'm listening."

"It's Lindostiltskin," finished Jandalf in an exasperated rush.

"Huh? Lindo…stilt…skin? What's with that?"

"I don't know, okay?"

"Couldn't they have just called it The Very Boring Day?"

"No, that's a Very Boring Title."

"And Lindostiltskin is exciting, apparently?"

"No…It's just the title, okay?" Jandalf rubbed her forehead.

"Then why isn't it at the beginning of the story?"

"Well, if you're so put out, we'll just place it here."

*kavamm*

Lord of the Clings II: Lindostiltskin

Again, written by the Narrator

"There." Jandalf sat back, satisfied. "Happy now?"

"Mostly. What's the story about?"

"Stuff."

"Uh-huh."

"I can't tell you the ending, you realize. If you knew, your actions would compromise the entire plot."

"So?"

"Never mind. Look, I'm going to pay a visit to someone else now, so behave yourself while I'm gone."

Chelsegorn gave her a mischievous look.

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Never mind. Minions of Xendor."

*kavamm*

So, once again foiled out of any plot to keep herself entertained, Chelsegorn returned to her window and succeeded, after fourteen hours, to burn a dime-sized hole into it.

***

Katrinolas' father had remained largely unexplored so far, and since the Narrator really has no idea what he's like, he will continue to remain largely unexplored.

However, he had gone on a trip with some of his advisors (he said it was mainly something political; she suspected something else akin to the superbowl) and Katrinolas was left at home to her own devices.

She didn't actually have too many devices; just stuff like a DVD player, 52" plasma TV, you know, the regular stuff.

So she popped in some unheard-of DVD called Lord of the Rings, and sat back, trying to think of grammatically incorrect English subtitles that Japanese people had somehow come up with, like "We're not Oaks, we're Hobbicks!" or somesuch.

Suddenly…

POOF!!!!

"I am here to relieve your boredom," said the apparition, who looked rather bored herself.

"Hey, no fair! You didn't even wait for me to ask why you're here!"

"Well, sorry. Not my fault if you want to do the stuff in the right order, now is it?"

"Besides," said Katrinolas, "how could you relieve my boredom?"

The apparition pulled out a huge manual titled How to Relieve the Boredom of Elves Stuck at Home, Watching Memorized Special Edition DVDs While Their Fathers are Out at a "Business Trip", EDITION II.

"It's so non-specific," she marveled, and asked, "How is Edition I different?"

The apparition shrugged. "Ehh-uhh. I picked this up at Chapters. Hold on. Ahh…here we are. Page 152763."

"Oh…wow. Where have I heard that number before?" Katrinolas rolled her eyes, deciding it would be fun to be sarcastic at this point for no reason at all. Well, if we want to go into detail, technically she would have a reason to be sarcastic, noting that this certain number had popped up many times, as well as in different spoofs…actually, it's a very widely circulated and used number, by this particular Narrator…

(embarrassed cough) Anyway, back to the story.

Both Katrinolas and the apparition looked around in bewildered confusion as the author decided to add a soundtrack.

Flutes rang out, in a mysterious but gentle tune, then the trumpets built up into the track titled "Luke and Leia" from Return of the Jedi.

"Isn't it enough to just ask for a LOTR soundtrack without you adding in Star Wars?!!?!" the apparition yelled at the author.

A distinctly familiar giggle sounded out in a close hall, then the music was replaced by "Helm's Deep".

"Much better," said the apparition, rather much more satisfied.

The Star Wars main theme suddenly blared from invisible speakers and the apparition's apparition-like face turned purple.

"Bear with me, or I'll turn you into a Barbie," said the author, who was feeling particularly manipulative at this point in time.

The apparition sulked, then ignored the blaring trumpets and scrolling yellow letters (huh? Where'd they come from?) and the evil manipulative author and turned back to Katrinolas. "Anyway—"

"JOHN WILLIAMS ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed someone sounding awfully like someone the apparition knew, and started the theme song again.

"NNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHH," said the apparition through clenched teeth, face turning bright purple.

As a horribly taunting taunt-warning, a Barbie riding a plastic tauntaun was lowered on a string in front of the apparition's face.

The apparition decided to pretend it was chocolate, got caught up in the moment, and ate it. "BLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! I HATE TAUNTAUNS!!!!! THEY'RE SMELLY AND ICKY AND TASTE LIKE PLASTIC!!!!!"

"And," said Han Solo, popping out of nowhere like a senior (inside joke alert), "they smell even worse on the inside…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" he screamed as the apparition ate him, too, hoping to get rid of the horrible taste in her mouth.

"Aaaaaahhh," said the apparition. "Much much better."

"Wait a minute," said Katrinolas, who had gotten over her confusion, then annoyance, then satisfaction, then more annoyance, then more confusion, then amusement, then shock at so much happening at once. "You're Lindo, aren't you? Quit hiding behind the smoke. I know who you are."

Lindo scowled at her. "I'm not Lindo, I'm Lindostiltskin."

Yes, but we're going to call you Lindo for now anyway because I don't want to type that longish name again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

"OK, Narrator," said Lindo, ignoring the irony that the Narrator had gone to all the trouble of typing that entire paragraph out when she was so concerned about repeatedly typing out the name "Lindostiltskin"… Ahem. Anyway.

"So," said Katrinolas, wanting Lindo to expand on the subject introduced so many pages back (you can take a look again if you forgot; it's at the beginning of page 3), "why are you here to make me un-bored?"

"Cuz it's my new job, that's why. I quit my old one; the air at Schillers' Pantry is too icky for my delicate nerves."

Katrinolas burst out laughing at the thought of Lindo having delicate nerves.

"There," sighed Lindo, pulling out a checklist. "I un-bored you. They had better raise my commission for this."

The author gave a nasty grin and popped in the "Jaws" soundtrack, also by John Williams.

Lindo and Katrinolas, just for fun, screamed like two gorgeous blondes in pink bikinis surfing and then getting eaten by a very large and colossally big shark that had somehow mysteriously earned the name of Jaws.

"Aaaaahhh," they sighed.

"That was fun," said Lindo.

Katrinolas nodded. "Hey, want to watch Lord of the Rings with me?"

So they ended up on the couch, eating popcorn and staring at the TV all day.

***

Way out in the foothills between the Forest of Crazy Doom and Canyon With a Muddy Trickle, an orange wizard rode on a horse that she had dyed equally as bright orange. The two moved as inconspicuously as 152763 orange Hutts.

What a disgusting comparison. Anyway…

Shadowfax decided to suddenly stop, due to the fact that Jandalf hadn't been paying attention where they were going and a very large canyon was looming up.

Unfortunately for the spaced-out wizard, momentum was still a physical law in Bottom-Earth. She hurtled out of the saddle and down into the Canyon, yelling something in Huttese (Shadowfax suspected something like "Minions of Xendor").

***

Katrinolas and Lindo had just finished the scene of the Council of Elrond when we-all-know-too-well-who came crashing through the roof, still yelling in Huttese.

The elf and hobbit fell off the couch in surprise, then began to pick up their popcorn, which was strewn all over the floor.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnggggghhhh," came the low and frustrated moan amid the rubble. "Little help?"

"Just a minute," yelled Lindo inconsiderately. "We've gotta pick up all the popcorn first.

Another moan followed, even longer and lower than the first. A few coughs unsettled some dust. "Yeah, OK, take your time."

Katrinolas and Lindo obeyed, picking up an average of 2 kernels per 30 seconds as they waded in popcorn that was somehow up to Katrinolas' knees and Lindo's stomach. So much popcorn can fit in a single bowl. Just amazing.

"Man, this popcorn is so hard to find. It's scattered all over the place."

"Then how come I'm choking on it?"

"Because you're the short little hobbit."

Lindo threw all the popcorn she had collected at Katrinolas.

Jandalf started eating all the clean popcorn surrounding her and managed to get an airhole. "Aaaaahhh." Then she accidentally rolled on her staff.

*kavamm*

Suddenly the three of them, along with the couch, TV, DVD player, popcorn, and a bowl of borscht were in a huge cavern.

"Huh? How'd a bowl of borscht get here?" wondered Katrinolas.

"Ehh-uhh," said Lindo, making the "I don't know" noise again.

"Is it cabbage or sommer borscht?" asked Jandalf, suddenly interested.

"WHY ARE WE SO INTERESTED?" shouted Lindo. "SHOULDN'T WE WORRY ABOUT GETTING BACK??!!!!!!!!!???!!!!"

"I'll think about it, once you shut up," said Jandalf.

Lindo shut up but gave her a venomous malevolent (short) glare.

Then she glared at the author for making her so very short (when in reality she was short anyway, though not quite as short as a hobbit).

Then she glared at a rosebush. It began to smoke.

"LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!!!!!!" yelled Chelsegorn, tackling Lindo. "IT'S JUST AN INNOCENT ROSEBUSH!!!!!!!! IT DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE GLARED AT!!!! IT JUST WANTS TO BE ALONE!!!!!!!"

Lindo glares at Chelsegorn while the author decides to change the tense to present. The author, however, quickly tires of this pointless exercise and decides to change back to past tense.

Once that matter was cleaned up, Lindo resumed glaring at Chelsegorn, who in turn, glared back.

They both started smoking.

"YYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! NASTY FLAMING DEATH!!!!!" That was Lindo.

"PUT IT OUT, PUT IT OUT, PUT IT OUUUUUUUUTT!!!!" Come on, people. Use the amazing process of elimination. It isn't that hard to figure out who's yelling here…OK, OK, it's Chelsegorn…

Once Lindo and Chelsegorn were properly doused, Jandalf became puzzled. "Hey, Chelsegorn, how'd you get here?"

Chelsegorn blinked, and stood motionless for a few minutes. "Um………I dunno." One minute she had been staring at her saran wrap window, burning a hole, the next she was mad at Lindo and tickling her.

Oops, finger fumble. I meant—

"NOBODY TICKLES ME!!!!!!!!!! POKE ME AND DIE!!!!!!!!!" Lindo screeched.

I was going to say, tackle. Not tickle, tackle. OK?

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE SHOULD TACKLE ME EITHER!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I JUST WANNA BE ALL NICE AND EVIL!!!!!!!!! MWAAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!"

After so much yelling, Lindo was feeling dizzy, so she sat down.

"What's the point of this spoof?" Katrinolas wondered.

"I don't know," replied Jandalf. "I'm still waiting for word from the author—"

"Ha," said Chelsegorn. "So you were bluffing about giving away the plot. It had nothing to do with me messing up the story, did it?"

Jandalf glared at her, then shrugged. "Not really, no. I had no idea what the story was about."

Lindo had caught her breath and decided to expend it again. "TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFFYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! GET YOUR LOUSY BUTT OVER HERE!!!!!!!!"

Jandalf rolled her eyes and lifted up her staff. "From the Mire's Bog, Get That Stupid Dog."

*kavamm*

Every single stupid dog in the Mire (which happened to be all of them) appeared in the cavern.

Jandalf rolled her eyes again and selected Taffy out of the bunch. "GO AWAY!!!" she yelled at the other dogs.

They all mysteriously vanished.

Lindo began to eye Jandalf suspiciously. "Are you sending me on another pointless quest to free Bottom-Earth from the nonexistent clutches of nonexistent evil?"

Jandalf poked Lindo. "Whaddya mean, nonexistent evil? You're in existence, aren't you?"

"But I mean evil evil. Evil in a bad way. I'm evil in a good way. And…wait. YOU POKED ME!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "I'm already dead, genius. I died in the story before this one."

"DON'T CARE!!! IF YOU CAN DIE ONCE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!" With that, she launched herself at Jandalf.

Jandalf shook her head as Lindo went right through her and crashed to the floor on the other side.

Everyone except for Jandalf became confused.

"Wizards can choose to go through stuff when they're dead," explained Jandalf. "And," she said, turning around to Lindo, "you can't kill me. I'M DEAD! What does that tell you?"

"You're dead?" guessed Lindo.

Jandalf nodded wearily.

Everyone became un-confused again.

Now, I, the Supreme Narrator of All Random Text of Insanity, shall explain the plot of this story.

Umm…

Darn it, hold on, I think I've got it…

(sigh) OK, never mind the title. It's going to stay, but we're going to revert to a different plot.

"But I wanna be an apparition," complained Lindo.

Fine. You can still be an apparition. Let's see…

Plots that have already been spoofed by me and the real-life Chelsegorn and Lindo:

-Robin Hood

-Lord of the Rings

-Star Wars

-The Emperor's New Groove

-Chicken Little

-Mary Poppins

Hey, maybe we can do something else…

***

So, Chelsegorn, Queen of Camelot, decided not to go back to Camelot, and illustrated her reason:

"'Tis a silly place."

"So?" said Lindo. "That's why I wanna go."

"But there are more insane places along the Search," explained Chelsegorn.

"What are we searching for?" asked Lindo.

Jandalf looked reverent. "We're going to begin a Search for the Death Crispies of Certain DOOM."

"Oooooooooooooooo," everyone said.

So they went off on their respective imaginary horses to Search for the Death Crispies of Certain DOOM.

Except for Taffy, of course, who was carrying all their luggage.

"Look there!" exclaimed Chelsegorn.

Everyone looked.

"AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! MADE YOU LOOK!!!! MADE YOU LOOK!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEEHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" she gasped, extremely proud of herself.

Everyone glared at her, especially Lindo, Katrinolas, and Jandalf, who were the only remaining members of the group, besides Taffy.

Chelsegorn sensed a dramatic change in good mood. "No touchie," she said anxiously.

Lindo launched herself at Chelsegorn.

Jandalf rolled her eyes and put up an invisible but unusually strong bubble over Chelsegorn. Lindo bounced off of it and landed on the ground. She decided this was fun and did it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

"ENOUGH!!!" yelled Jandalf. "I'm getting tired."

Lindo sullenly bounced off of it one more time. Then it vanished and Chelsegorn stood up.

As they rode off on their imaginary horses, Jandalf launched into a lengthy complaint about how the whole group was after one another and she was the only reason that they weren't all dead now, etc. Chelsegorn helpfully pointed out that since Jandalf was already dead, she wouldn't have to experience the same fate.

"BUT I ALREADY HAVE!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHY I'M DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!" And with that, she went into another tirade.

Meanwhile, during all this, Katrinolas had been patiently manufacturing her new identity in this new spoof. "I'll be Lady Katrinolas," she said finally, after trying many other names out that she didn't like, such as Sir Katrinolas.

Everyone else stopped and looked at her.

"I'll be Madame Lindo-DOOM!!!!!!" yelled…oh, isn't it painfully obvious.

"But I already know who I am," complained King Chelsegorn, then realized that was a good thing.

Jandalf sighed. "That's one thing wrong with these movies. Wizards are expected to have only one name, and then their characteristic."

"What's your characteristic?" asked Lindo, trying to be annoying.

"I'll say it again for the benefit of those who haven't had their earwax removed lately. I am Jandalf the Orange, and don't you forget it."

Lindo thought about this. "Why can't you be Jandalf the Tall, or maybe Jandalf the Wizard?"

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Everyone already knows I'm tall, and a wizard."

"Everyone also knows you're Orange."

"So then what?"

"I think you should be Jandalf the Wizard Who Is Orange, Tall, And Knows Lots About Star Wars," said Chelsegorn, satisfied with her diagnosis.

Jandalf thought. "So then I'd be Jandalf the WWIOTAKLASW, right?"

This took about five minutes to process. Then they all nodded.

She shrugged. "Okay. Temporarily, I'm Jandalf the WWIOTAKLASW. But I shall also be known as Jandalf the Painfully Obvious."

They all started clapping because they were bored.

Jandalf cleared her throat noisily. "Right. Let's go."

So off went King Chelsegorn, Lady Katrinolas, Madame Lindo-DOOM and Jandalf the Temporarily WWIOTAKLASW/Painfully Obvious on their nonexistent horses, with Taffy panting along behind.

It was not long before they stumbled across a demented-looking little hut in the Middle of Nowhere. So, being crazy, Madame Lindo-DOOM went inside to take a look.

A cloaked figure huddled over a fire. Madame Lindo-DOOM somehow recognized him, though no one knows how she did.

"HEDGEHOG!!!!!!" she shrieked.

He turned around in confusion.

"NO ONE CAN HIDE FROM THE POWER OF THE SPOOF!!!!!!!!" she screamed at him. "YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!!!!!!!!!"

Figuring that the Hedgehog was an involuntary distraction to Madame Lindo-DOOM from the Quest At Hand, Jandalf raised her staff and pointed it at him.

*kavamm*

The Hedgehog was gone in a cloud of no smoke at all.

The characters of this strange story were confused by this sentence, then decided to ignore it.

Madame Lindo-DOOM, freed from her distraction-wrath, forgot all about it and mounted her nonexistent horse.

And so they all trotted on, clapping the hollowed-out shells of coconuts together, riding along grandly.

Soon they came upon a rickety bridge with someone standing by it.

"This isn't supposed to happen yet," griped Lindo.

"Tough. It isn't in chronological order, or logical at all, for that matter," Jandalf commented. "That's what happens when you spoof a spoof."

Chelsegorn giggled. "Yay!"

Katrinolas walked up to the bridge.

The figure took off his hood.

"HEDGEHOG!!!!" Lindo screamed, and promptly pushed him off into the ravine.

"Unorthodox, but it works," remarked Katrinolas, and began the arduous process of crossing the bridge.

It wasn't in very bad shape, actually, but a bunch of towels were draped all over it, radically impeding the process of crossing. Especially since these towels were all soaked in some sort of nutritionally beneficial mixture that bonded them to the bridge.

Lindo suspected that the towels belonged to Ford Prefect, but she decided not to jump to conclusions. I mean, why would a sensible hitchhiker just abandon all these towels?

After they had crossed the bridge, Chelsegorn grinned maliciously and took out a pack of matches.

This ignited, so to speak, everyone's pyromania, and they spent the next two hours burning every last atom of the bridge, including the towels.

***

It had been six months, and the party was nowhere near to discovering the source of the Death Crispies of Certain DOOM.

Chelsegorn was getting bored, and instinctively took out her Gameboy.

Katrinolas was getting agitated, and took out her pennywhistle.

Lindo was getting antisocial because she felt like it and took out a Jello double fudge chocolate pudding.

Jandalf was getting annoyed because she already had her staff in hand and couldn't take it out.

Taffy piddled on a nearby rock as his contribution.

Since Katrinolas was an Elf, she spotted it first. "Look! A castle!"

Everyone else immediately got grumpier because they couldn't make it out.

An hour later…

"Look," yelled Lindo. "A castle!"

Jandalf rolled her eyes, pushed Lindo out of the way, and knocked on the door.

Someone on the turrets screamed. "Stoppit!!! Stop knocking in the name of MEEE!!!!"

"Are you the King?" yelled Jandalf.

"Uh, last time I checked, no, dude!"

"Then why should we stop knocking in the name of YOU?"

"Uh, because all the knocking makes my ears totally hurt, dude," responded Turret-Man.

"Then how come you aren't bothered by all this yelling?" yelled Jandalf.

"Uh, I…uh…totally good question. Oh, well. Whaddya want, dudes?" he yelled down at them.

"In, duh. Why else would I be knocking?"

"Oh, OK." Turret-Dude appeared to be coming down to let them in, when a second turret voice barged in.

"They can't come in, man!!! We need the permission of the Head Dude first, dude!!"

"Oh. Yeah. Cool. But don't we, like, need to know who they are first?"

"Oh. Right. OK, you go ask them, like, who they are and then I'll go and, like, report their appearance."

"OK, dude." Turret-Dude leaned back over the turrets. "Who are you?"

"I'm Katrinolas from Canyon With a Muddy Trickle," yelled Katrinolas.

"I'm Chelsegorn from the Forest of Crazy Doom," yelled Chelsegorn.

"I'm Lindo from…" She scratched her head. "Hey, guys, where am I from again?"

"I'm Taffy and I like BACON!!!!!!!!" screeched a small Cockapoo.

"I'm Jandalf, and I'm not really from anywhere. Can we come in?"

The two turret dudes seemed to be holding a heated discussion.

"NO!!" one yelled. "You're Canadian types, dudes."

Chelsegorn seemed quite taken aback. "Well, if you're not Canadian, what are you?"

"We're Californians, duuuuude!!!! Isn't it totally obvious, man? Like, totally audacious!!!! Dude, I love that word. Audaciouuuus!!!!!!!"

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Painfully obvious."

"If you don't let us in, we'll…we'll…stand here!!!!" shouted Chelsegorn.

The Californian turret dudes stared down at her in awe and began whispering.

"Dude, can she do that?"

"I dunno, man. We better check with the Head Dude."

"Dude."

One of them scurried off.

Jandalf furrowed her brow. "Hey, guys, what rhymes with surfboard?"

"Warred," said Chelsegorn.

"Lord," said Katrinolas.

"Horde," said Lindo.

"KIBBLES!!" said Taffy. Lindo kicked him.

"Okay…" Jandalf held her staff horizontally. "Kibbles That Warred With The Lord Of The Horde, Bring Me Now A Californian Surfboard."

*kavamm*

Jandalf was suddenly holding a surfboard. "Okay, let's hope this works. Everybody hide in the doorway."

Once they were all crowded in, she stepped back and yelled, "Yo Dude!!!"

Turret-Dude looked over. "Dude!! Wassup!"

Jandalf winked broadly at the others. "Hey, man, can I, like, come in?"

"Totally, dude!!" Turret-Dude was on his way to the door when the other dude intercepted him.

"Hey, man, where're you going?"

"I'm gonna let this dude in!"

"Dude, were they, like, holding a surfboard?"

"Totally, dude!"

"Dude!"

"Dude!"

Jandalf tossed the surfboard aside. "Okay, everybody out of the doorway! I think they're going to let us in."

An expectant pause.

Everyone heard a loud noise that sounded exceptionally like 152763 people saying *thump*.

***

Two months later, Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Okay, maybe they're not going to let us in."

They all shrugged and continued down the path.

It was a boring path, lined with rosebushes and going in a straight line to, apparently, nowhere.

Jandalf, at the back of the line, suddenly sighed and sat down heavily. She searched around in her robe's many pockets for a while, then came out with a short but well-used old book. She began to read.

The others looked at one another, unsure of what was going on. Generally, when on quests, people didn't just all of a sudden sit down and start reading.

They assumed, therefore, that Jandalf was no longer part of the quest. So they kept travelling.

***

A while later, Jandalf looked up from her book.

No one was in sight.

She sighed. It was time for her ultimate test.

She stood, put her book away, and leveled her staff. "Stuff that rhymes with the word 'are', take me to the place wherever they are."

*kavamm*

She suddenly appeared in the midst of the group among much confusion.

"Ha! It worked! I WIN!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" Then she calmly took the book out again. "I was just testing myself."

Lindo considered this. "But what's the point if you already know the answer?"

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "It was a different sort of test, okay?"

"Okay."

They stood in silence.

"Um…" Lindo pulled out a piece of paper. "We were supposed to be looking for the source of the recipe for the Death Crispies of Certain DOOM, right?"

"Right."

"Well, I think I had it all along."

***

THE END

***

Just kidding!

Man, I love doing that.

Well, we had reached a crisis. The Narrator was out of ideas, and the quest was over, so everyone went home and ate chocolate.

***

THE ACTUAL END

***

Jandalf: Uuuuunnnnggggg. *whacks her head against the trunk of a tree* You had it all along? I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

Lindo: Believe it. Yeah, this is the one. Calls for 152763 squares of Baker's chocolate.

Jandalf: Uh-huh. Figures. Well, we might as well head home.

Chelsegorn: …But you don't live anywhere.

Jandalf: …

Katrinolas: Um, we have a guest suite at Canyon With a Muddy Trickle, if you're interested.

Jandalf: Oh, I guess, as long as we can watch Star Wars.

Katrinolas: Well, okay, but we don't have our TV or DVD player anymore. You kavammed them into that cavern, remember?

Jandalf: Why are we still talking? The spoof's over.

Lindo and Chelsegorn: Really?

Taffy: I'M CUTE!!!! LOVE ME!!!GIVE ME KIBBLES!!!!!