Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
A/N: It took me time to find my voice on this, a lot of time.
Deprivation
It is an ache.
But it is not a feeling.
It is a knowledge. It is the knowledge that Blaine is willing to move on.
And it hits Kurt hard, the memory that Blaine has always been more willing, more easily willing to move away, to move on '... from us.'
And it hits Kurt harder ... seeing those lips that have taken from him, touching Blaine's, taking more. Kurt having to let him. And Blaine '... letting him.'
And it hits Kurt hardest ... imagining Blaine and Dave, bodies intertwined, touches, whispers, declarations of affection, of '... of love.'
Kurt does not know another man's most intimate of touches. Adam and him, '... handholding, kisses on cheeks, hugs, ... a single kiss on the lips,' that Kurt had pulled away from at the speed of light. 'One drunken hug,' drawn out with Elliott that Kurt knows he ..., that they both knew there and then they could have turned into something else entirely. And they both had with one look and a shared laugh decided against it.
Kurt does not want to know anyone else's touch on his body. It has always come down to this for Kurt.
But now ... now after Eli and now '... Karofsky,' Kurt has no choice but to trust that it is not quite the same for Blaine. He is open to more than Kurt has ever wanted to be at all open for. Adam, unobtainable seeming, older Adam, a safe, a distant choice, put away with as soon as that had threatened to truly change. Kurt had not been able to imagine Adam ever falling for him. Kurt certainly had never fallen ... for Adam, had still been falling for a Blaine he had tried to get to know ... again, anew, and in many ways for the first time.
The stall's floor is slippery and sticky, and Kurt does not feel it. Crumbling, soaked in crushing emotions ripping him apart in all directions.
It is an ache, growing into a burning pain as tears hit his cheeks, and the impulse to hit, to pound the tiles of that bathroom wall is drowned out ... by them, throughout him.
It is an ache.
But it is not a feeling ... being numb.
He cannot feel a thing.
A/N: Chris Colfer shattered my heart in this.