His name is Planeptune Guard 1. It's nothing flashy, nothing like being named after the nation itself like his lady or, gasp, having a last name. But then again, that's what you get when you're born into the 'NPC' caste.
His job is to stand outside the door to the Basilicom and, well, guard it. Whether it be man or mer, rain or shine, he and his trusty second in command will put their lives on the line for the glory of Lady Purple Heart and the hearts of the people.
"Goddamn it, not another Gordan! I'm up to 16% pity rate, give me the ten star already!"
Well, at least that's what those eggheads in PR like to tell the public. It works, at least, since nobody seems to care about an illustrious Basilicom guard furiously tapping away on his phone.
Guard 2 groaned, wiping a gloved hand over his face as he leaned on his spear. Unlike his senior, he was a fresh face who had landed the post yesterday, a bold young lamb thrust into the world of lions. "Maybe you need to stop playing games during work, then. All you ever do is complain about those Wryyy and Virizon guys so - the boss is coming act natural!"
Guard 1 let a wry grin slip onto his face under his helmet. This kid's mind wasn't going to last a week.
Straightening his posture up, Guard 2 gripped his weapon with grim resolve. He was fearless (not really), he was strong (compared to those desk jockeys indoors), and nothing was going to stand in his way (bar a rather unfortunate cutscene).
"Meh. Not like they care, anyway," Guard 1 muttered, tapping away on his phone like nobody's business.
"W-What?"
"Watch and learn, rookie."
About to respond, Guard 2 opted to let out a dismaying combination of a wheeze and a choke instead upon seeing the all-star party approaching the Basilicom. His lady, her fellow CPUs, the brave Makers that had accompanied them to fight the dreaded Arfoire...
...walking right past them and through the doors. It took a minute or two for the veritable crowd of Makers to file in, but in they went, contentedly chatting among themselves without a care in the world, much less for door guards.
"...Huh?"
Clapping his junior's shoulder, Guard 1 grinned broadly. "Get how this world works now, rookie?"
"I-I don't-"
"We're gags. Our lives are set-ups for jokes about our own inadequacy. Why do you think this slot is always open? Because you're the chosen one and the seat was just waiting here for you?" He chuckled, but the lack of warmth made Guard 2 shudder. "Look, kiddo, I don't want to crush your dreams. You probably worked long and hard, trained your body to the limit to fight for Planeptune, but we will never be on their level. We're fodder, and we exist to make them look good while the 'death by horrible monster' is swept under the rug."
Staring hard at the ground, the junior guard threw the hand on his shoulder off and pulled his gaze up at his friend (was he?) in the eyes (why couldn't he see them?).
"A-Aren't you going about this a little too...much? They just didn't bother to greet us, no problem. Anyway, i-isn't it obvious that they surpass us? They're heroes! But to say that the guard is some...some sort of comedy troupe...you're wrong! They do care about us!"
"...I'm going to continue the story. So it's two years ago during the Rebirth incident, yeah? I was young like you, I trained in the sword for 15 years along with my best friend, who specialized in all kinds of firearms. You name it, he'd tried it. I thought we'd be starin' down the gates of hell, a bunch of scared civvies behind us, and telling them 'it's going to be alright, because the guard is here'. Then I'd roll up my sleeves and get ready to whoop it's ass while I get cover fire from the best damn rifleman I'd ever seen. Goddess above, I remember when ol' Tooie was here, we'd talk all the time about Team Attacks..."
Guard 1 sighed, shaking his head to get back on track. "The first monster we faced was a Fenrisulfr that somehow made it's way outta the depths of Termina Forest. The people screamed and ran away while I drew my blade and caught it's attention. I struck. And I couldn't even scratch it. I remember, remember what I thought when it slammed me in the ribs and pinned me down, breathing in that nice smell of ash."
Guard 2 looked away, pale.
"As I was staring down those 'gates of hell' I talked about, the only thing that came was 'Why am I weak? Am I going to die here? Did I kill my best friend?'"
Guard 1 grinned bitterly. "The answer was no, at least to the second one. A basic Rush combo and the beast was slain, by a Maker no less. Then they looked at me like I wasn't even on their radar and left, babbling about how the giant fire wolf ready to eat someone was kinda weird, running off to do goddess knows what goddess knows where. They left me, man. They left me in a pile of my buddy's ashes to limp to the hospital alone. Some hero's story, am I right or am I right?"
He finally stepped back, leaving the rookie to lean against the wall and let out a long, stressed breath.
"If we're talking literal here, then yeah. They're heroes. They love the people, kiss babies, all that stuff. But lemme tell you something."
Getting off the wall, Guard 1 sauntered towards the door before turning around again with a lazy smile.
"I'm going to raid the PR department's fridge again and I know those little rats keep bottles of Leanbox-style mead in the back. You want me to grab you one? You know, since I basically ruined your entire day with my edgy backstory that probably doesn't belong in this world that has little girl heroes and raccoon dog jello, but hey," the man shrugged. "Exposition is one hell of a drug."
Guard 2 blinked slowly. What the hell was this change in atmosphere? "Er...n-no, I don't drink. Never, uh, never a good idea on the job. Are you...alright?"
The senior guard shrugged. He never saw the flash of purple that disappeared from the doorframe.
A/N: You may be asking me: "Why did you delete the old story with 80k views, you arrogant blowhard? Didn't you promise to overhaul the entire naughty sex story with the actual thing, you absolute mong?"
Then again, there'd actually need to be people checking this trash out from the old story to ask. Kek.
I'll put it bluntly: looking at the old story made me cringe hard. It was poorly written, poorly paced, and felt like a set of one-shots that a horny teenager would write for gratification with a plot almost hastily slapped together to make sure it wasn't just text porn. This is a bit of an exaggeration, but the fact that I wrote such a travesty haunted me, though let me make it clear that I deeply appreciate my old fans. Seriously, how you guys liked my perverted dribble is beyond me, and the fact that you were genuinely excited towards my desire to change was nothing short of heartwarming. But the more I looked at it, the more obvious it became that this was a lost cause, and it was all my fauly.
It took me way too long to realize that forcing myself to write a subject like this in a manner I didn't personally believe in sucked. Sure, it's a fantasy world, and the reasoning behind why they bone can literally be nonexistent because...well...who cares about porn with plot?
Me, after I thought about it for a while. And it showed towards the later chapters, especially with the Generals and the Oracles. No bones about it, I just didn't want to write lazy smut. I could, I think I still can and it probably will be better than ever, but I want to write a story where the NPC works, or at least does something impactful for the M-rated reward.
He doesn't just get it because he's David Takawhatever, Gary Stu extraordinaire who gets it because that's his thing. He gets it because he did this thing, someone liked it, and now they get dirty.
Many will see me tying the old story down in a house fire as an act of cowardice, and I wouldn't even say you're wrong. I am completely in the wrong for promising you guys something, not seeing it through, and proverbially washing my hands of the situation like a tool. But I needed a fresh start, and hell, you can't get fresher than a new story. I probably missed out on addressing some issues, so please R/R and tell me what you think and I'll address it next chapter. Or slow roast me like a nice ham, haven't eaten all day.
If you have no idea what the hell I'm on about and/or you're that one anon who told me to 'delete this right now', hey there. You're going to have to wait for the smut, sorry for the blocks of text/ Congratulations, you actually predicted the thing I was gonna do. R/R if you liked the opening chapter, I guess?
-Bean