Anemoia
Nostalgia for a time you've never known
"Knock knock knock," Levy sang without actually knocking, "can we come in?"
"Sure!" the voices inside the room answered, sounding as excited as Levy.
Holding Gajeel's hand with trepidation, she turned the doorknob and pushed open the door. They were welcomed in a brightly-lit room by one of the couples they – though Gajeel never openly admitted it – held dear in their heart: Natsu and Lucy Dragneel.
After Gajeel carefully closed the door behind them so as not to make too much noise, Levy greeted the happy couple with a knowing and eager smile to let them see how thrilled she was. Natsu waved at the pair and mirrored Levy's smile. He was standing by the bed Lucy was sitting down on with pockets under his eyes, as if he hadn't slept well the night before – the nights before, even. As for Lucy, all she was wearing was a dull blue gown with white spots on it, and though she looked tired as well, she seemed delighted to see them. And a few inches under this light and peaceful smile of hers, the milk her breasts were full of was getting pumped by the vigorous suckling of her newborn baby: Luna Dragneel.
"No wonder where she gets this appetite from," Gajeel commented, smirking at Natsu.
Natsu only snorted at this. If she grew up to be a big eater, it would definitely come from him, and he would be so proud of it. Levy noticed the knowing glance they threw at each other when Gajeel made his remark, and a soft smile punctuated their short-lived eye contact; their complicity was breathtaking.
She managed to blink only when Lucy told her they could take a seat and stay beside her bed. Levy walked up to one of the chairs and gestured for Gajeel to sit next to her, but as she sat down, he casually waved a dismissive hand and stood still behind Levy. She smiled faintly at the thought of him towering over her.
"So," Levy started with excitement, "how was it? This whole 'popping the baby out' thing!"
Lucy laughed at how she called the event usually referred to as 'The Miracle of Childbirth'. Then again, Levy was her best friend, and it sounded only natural for her to talk to Lucy in that fun and quirky way at this moment.
"Hell," she stated simply, "it was hell. 38 hours of labour, it was horrible," she complained. "I was going crazy and Natsu didn't know what to do," she added, laughing at the thought.
"I thought you were gonna kill me!"
"Gihi, wimp," Gajeel snickered.
"It's true though, she was legit' gonna kill me!" Natsu protested.
"Oh, you're exaggerating, it wasn't that bad."
Natsu cleared his throat and imitated his wife's voice. " 'Natsu if you don't help me get that shit out I'm gonna Regulus Kick you in the nuts!' Doesn't that ring a bell?"
"Sssh don't swear, the baby can hear you!"
"I didn't sw- Oh. Yeah. Sorry, I was just repeating what you said."
"Did that really happen?" Lucy asked, biting her lip. "I'm so sorry, didn't think I went that crazy," she giggled, trying to imagine how hard she must have held his hand as she threatened him to the point of him thinking that he was going to get killed.
Before Natsu could answer anything, everyone's attention focused on the newborn. An acute gasp marked the end of her well-deserved drink, and they – even Gajeel – couldn't help but smile.
"Baby's got enough, huh?" Lucy whispered tenderly, and she chortled at her lack of coherent answer.
With an ease that showed how much of a habit these gestures became, she sat her baby on her lap so she was facing away from her, used her palm to support her chest, and her fingers to gently support her chin and jaw. Finally, she leaned her baby slightly forwards and softly patted her back. Only a few seconds were needed to complete the process, and the tiny human being sitting on her mother's lap discharged an unexpectedly loud burp. It made her parents chuckle.
"You really are the daughter of your father," Lucy sighed fondly.
Glancing on the other side of her bed, Lucy noticed that Levy hadn't blinked during the whole process. She recognized what she assumed to be a look of wonder and envy in her best friend's eyes, and though she didn't know if it was a good idea, she couldn't help but ask,
"Levy, do you want to hold her?"
The look of surprise and excitement that immediately bloomed on her face betrayed any ounce of potential fake hesitation, and Lucy knew that she was totally up for it.
"I'm guessing that's a yes," came the reply to her unanswered question.
Levy sighed with a soft smile. "Thank you."
Holding her daughter in her arms and shifting her weight so as to face Levy, she slipped her legs out of the cover and let them hang out of the bed. She gave her a kiss on the forehead.
"Here you go," she said, handing her precious daughter to Levy, "careful."
"I got this," she reassured, "I've practiced."
Levy avoided her best friend's concerned look and gave all her attention to the tiny life she bore in her frail arms. She was so tiny. Levy was aware of how small she was compared to everyone she's ever known and Gajeel never failed to remind her but this, this was just ridiculous. How fragile could one get. And yet, this baby wasn't aware of that; she didn't care, at all. The fiery green eyes of the little Dragneel were wide open with wonder; something new was looking at her and it made her reach out to the blue-haired person carrying her.
"Someone's being playful," she giggled as her face was being patted by unruly fingers. She sighed fondly. "Yup, you definitely are the daughter of your father, Ay- Luna!"
Lucy's face twitched in concern. "Levy, are you okay?"
Levy immediately collected her thoughts and blew a raspberry at the baby. "Yeah, I'm okay, Luna just touched my eye with her finger and it hurt a little bit, no big deal," she reassured, showing a big smile to her daughter.
"Oh, father, you should teach your daughter some manners, you can't just let her go and poke people's eyes," she scolded jokingly.
"Hey, don't blame every bad things she does on me," Natsu answered, faking being offended.
"By the way," Levy interrupted, getting the silly couple's attention, "why Luna? Is there any reason for this name?" she asked, genuinely curious.
"Oh, that," Natsu deadpanned, "we just thought about mixing our names. Lucy and Natsu... Lucy and Natsu, get it?"
"Also," Lucy added, "Luna is the name of an ancient Goddess."
"Seriously?!" Natsu blurted.
"Yep," she said proudly, "Luna is the Goddess of the Moon."
"That's my Lucy," Levy bubbled, "I knew you would think this through!"
"As if everyone knew about this," Natsu muttered as a defence.
Levy chuckled. "Well, I did," she bragged, "and furthermore," she added, "Luna gives the term 'lunar', which comes from the old and lost Latin language 'lucere'; it means 'to shine' "
"To shine..." they chorused in a low, wondering voice, now looking at their precious daughter in Levy's loving embrace. They beheld their child and contemplated the thought, and it was during this kind of moment that everyone could see how in sync they could be. Their bond was so strong it was tangible.
"The light and spirit of her mother," Natsu said quietly.
"And the badassery of her father," Lucy added.
"No doubt about it," Natsu stated confidently.
"Our daughter's gonna be awesome!" they celebrated in unison, punctuating it by flawlessly achieving their special handshake.
This display of happiness made Levy smile. Levy smiled a lot. She was an expert at smiling. Her smile had the power to fill a whole room with happiness, to appease the tensions created by rambunctious guild members, and even to tame a grumpy Gajeel. This time though, it didn't give off this peaceful vibe and Lucy noticed it, but she preferred not to voice it. Instead, she focused her attention on the taller part of the couple.
"Gajeel, you haven't been saying anything for a while, is everything all ri-"
"Can I hold the baby too?"
Everyone's eyes shot up at him when they heard his question, including Levy's. Gajeel wasn't known to care about a lot of things, and he was even lesser known to show that he cared about some things. And now, he wanted to hold Lucy and Natsu's child.
"You sure about that?" Natsu asked.
Gajeel nodded.
Natsu and Lucy looked at each other and contemplated the idea for a few seconds, and eventually nodded too.
"Sure, you can hold her," Lucy answered, offering him a smile of approval.
Before Levy even had the opportunity to stand up and give him the baby, Gajeel laid a hand on her shoulder, making her understand that she didn't have to move. He stepped forward to the side of her chair and, clearing his throat and stretching his neck, knelt down. He reached out to her so she could give him their daughter.
"Caref-"
"I got this," he reassured.
Even though he said that, Luna Dragneel didn't seem to want to cooperate. As Gajeel took a hold of her, the four of them could hear that she was gearing herself up to cry. Natsu smirked at the sight, he wasn't surprised at all, she was his daughter after all. He was already ready to go and pick his daughter up. However, Gajeel didn't seem to be even a bit flustered at the potential tantrum she was about to throw.
Cradling the baby, he gingerly rose up and stepped back to his original spot, behind behind Levy's chair.
"There, there, small bump," he whispered with a tender lopsided smile, "everything's fine."
Luna's trembling stopped just two seconds after he uttered those words, and the three of them gaped at him as if he was some kind of god. It took him a moment to realize that what he had done was apparently not an easy task.
"Why do y'all look so surprised?"
" 'How did you even do this?' would be the right question here," Levy gasped, still astonished by what happened.
"Told ya, I got this," he said confidently.
Lucy couldn't hide her fond smile, she never failed to remember how much of a different man Gajeel grew up to be since the first time she met him. A lot of his change had to do with Levy, and she couldn't help but think about how proud of him Levy was. Though they were very different people, she knew that Levy wasn't mistaken when she fell in love with him.
As she watched them interact, Lucy could imagine it so clearly. With Levy sitting down and looking up at him with wonderment in her eyes, and Gajeel towering over her with a baby girl in his arms, she could easily picture it.
"Oh, the family pictures!" Lucy exclaimed, "Natsu, we have to show them!"
Natsu didn't even answer and hastily looked for them in the drawer.
"Family pictures?" Levy asked.
"Yep, we took pictures with some of the other guild members who came to visit before you," she explained.
"Oh, nice!"
"Found them!" he bubbled, already spreading the pictures on Lucy's bed.
"Gajeel?" Lucy suggested.
"Nah, I'm good," he answered simply. "I know who the guild members are and I'm around them more than enough, I don't need to see pictures of 'em too."
Levy couldn't help but laugh at that. But her attention quickly got back to the pictures laid down on Lucy's bed.
"I can't believe Juvia made that face while looking at the stripper in this picture," Natsu commented.
Not minding the others laughing at pictures of people they already knew, the noise they made faded in the background, to the point of Gajeel thinking that he was the only one in the room with Luna. It made him focus a lot more on her.
The first thing he noticed were her sparkling green eyes, they were her father's. He could sense determination and an overall fiery nature in them, which wasn't surprising, after all, she was Natsu's daughter and Igneel's granddaughter. Talk about a legacy to live up to, he thought.
Thanks to his arm lenght, he could use his free hand to trail a finger up her hair. It looked like a perfect mix of Lucy and Natsu's hair colour; it was light orange. Quite an unusual colour for a moon, he thought, caressing it with his thumb.
At the touch of his thumb on her hair, much like with Levy, she started to want to reach out to the new thing that was holding her. Such an important amount of curiosity in such a tiny body, her parents will definitely be in for a treat once she gets bigger. Such curiosity might be dangerous, but he knew that her parents would do a great job raising her. She would grow up to be a very cautious mage... He snorted at the thought. Who was he kidding? Of course she would become a reckless and hot-headed mage, Natsu was involved after all.
He watched her drag her small fingers along his chest and it was somehow fascinating to him. To be honest, he was fascinated by how fascinated she seemed to be about everything. Everything was new, and since she was the daughter of a Dragonslayer, a type of people known for their enhanced senses, the sensory overload must have been unparalleled.
The light touch of her fingers on his chest made him want to touch her fingers with his. With his thumb, he traced his way up her extended arm to her tiny, tiny hand. Her skin was soft as he brushed it – since the skin of a Dragonslayer wasn't famous for its softness, he guessed it was thanks to her mother.
For some reason, he felt like he managed to make her feel safe in his arms, so much so that the palm of her hand turned to his. Only then he realized how striking the size difference was. He already considered his Shrimp's hands tiny but this, this was unreal. It looked so fragile, so frail, yet so precious. But nonetheless, this hand was accepting his. This hand was accepting his massive rugged hand, one that had been used so many times in the past to hurt people who hadn't deserved it. This hand trusted him.
She slowly dragged her fingers up his gigantic hand, and she found his thumb. The size difference was laughable at this point, but it was not what he cared about at this moment. She started to rub her fingers against his thumb, as if she was testing the waters, making sure she could venture there. And then, with surprisingly gentle stealth, she wrapped her fingers round his thumb, and held tight.
The simple gesture made him feel all sorts of feelings he couldn't quite put a finger on yet. What he did put a finger on though, was her hand. With his thumb locked in the daughter's grasp, he used his index to pat and brush against her fingers. He felt like he could do it for hours.
But eventually, something he was unfamiliar with made him come back to his senses. His sensitive sense of smell got stirred by the salient sting of salt.
"GAJEEL!"
Natsu's bellow echoed through the whole room as if his voice had other magnified voices that were even more mad than the other.
Gajeel blinked himself out of his trance hearing the horrible cries of a newborn in pain in juxtaposition with the sight of a wrathful father running right at him. The blazing fire that glowed in his eyes was way past a warning sign; it was a death threat. Gajeel's dragon instincts told him that he was to be taken seriously this time but, as surprising as it was, he was terrified. Not terrified of him per se, but terrified of the reason that made the Fire Dragonslayer so angry. In a split second, he glanced down at the suffering baby, and was horrified at the sight that laid under him. He could not recognize the baby he was holding; her face was twitching in ways he didn't know were humanly possible. The fire in her eyes dried up to make way for a stream of tears. The reason for this was not because she had finally decided to throw a tantrum, or not because she was already starving again.
It was him. It was all his fault.
He realized that he wasn't just patting and brushing her fingers; he was crushing them. So hard that his bones and blood and veins were showing through. It was unbearable to witness. It was so unbearable that his whole body wavered at the sight, making the baby slip through his arms.
This action revealed itself to be harmless for the suffering baby when his father caught him right as she started to fall, almost making it seem like Gajeel swiftly handed him back his precious hatchling.
"Give her back to me," he threatened with a voice as deep as a dragon roar, pulling his daughter away from him.
Natsu immediately checked her fingers then. Nothing seemed to have been broken, but she was somehow badly bruised. Gajeel had rubbed her fingers hard, way too hard. The lack of broken bone didn't calm down his ever rising fury, and his gleaming green eyes shot right up at him.
"Gajeel you bastard don't ever t-" His deep threatening voice wavered at the almost unseen occurence that happened before his very eyes. "Tears..."
Natsu's pent-up fury fogged away as if the tears dampened his fire, and for one second, the protective father didn't know whether to focus on his own daughter or the sadness-pained Gajeel Redfox. His green eyes slowly darkened as understanding slipped in his mind, making him look away from the rising memories evoked by his tears. And behind Natsu, still sitting down on her bed, Lucy took a weak hold of Natsu's arm, sharing with him a glance asking him for forgiveness, which he simply nodded to.
As for Gajeel, it took him longer than normal to acknowledge that the scent of salt that brought him back to his senses wasn't just the baby's; it was his own. How long ago was the last time he cried? How long ago was the last time he openly showed 'weakling' emotions? He wondered for half a second but couldn't find an answer, he couldn't remember, as if his memory had been focusing on a single event way too long for his mind to even try to unravel other painful remembrances.
He managed to blink some tears away and snap out of it. Natsu's eyes and stance reeked of pity and incomplete understanding, and his pride of steel – already rusted by the lost waters dripping down his face – couldn't take it anymore. Leaving everyone speechless and unable to even make a move to stop him, he made a violent about-face as he ran a hand past his face to wipe the tears away. As if it would change anything.
And during all this time, Levy hadn't moved. She didn't see Gajeel crush the baby's fingers. She didn't see Natsu's wrath reflect in his eyes, promptly followed by pity. She didn't see Lucy's look asking Natsu for forgiveness. She didn't even see Lucy's eyes glancing at her, full of doubt and worry. But she knew everything. She heard everything. And she heard Gajeel hasty footsteps get further away each passing fractions of second. And she heard Gajeel storming out of the room, shutting the door with a bang, and said bang ravaged her heart; it was a silver bullet made only of knowledge she wished had never existed.
Two months before, Levy and Gajeel really needed money. Levy had decided to cut down on the amount of books she could buy in a month but, unfortunately, the closer the big day was, the more books she tended to buy. Buyer's remorse was strong with this one. As for Gajeel, he had decided to cut down on the amount of metal he could purchase but, because there's always a 'but', the money that didn't go in metal purchases went into the countless drinking contests Cana would organize at night. Or at lunch. Or early in the morning. Or any time ever really.
They really needed money.
"Shrimp, in which colour should I paint the room?"
Levy contemplated the question from across the room in a rocking chair, gazing around and imagining which colour would fit best. She already had an idea of where some furniture would be, even of when and how the furniture would move as time went by. But she couldn't for the life of her decide which colour the room should be painted in.
"I don't know," she admitted, sheepish. Gajeel gave her a 'Really now?' side-eye, which Levy hastily answered to. "I'll let you choose, you're involved in this after all." She snapped her fingers and pointed them at him finger guns style as if to say 'Gotcha!'. Gajeel, though, was clearly not impressed.
"I'll decide that later then," he said simply, brushing off her silly hand movements. "We need more furniture."
"You do know we don't have enough money for that, right?"
"Well, got an idea?"
"Yes."
"Apart from your shitty one?"
Levy rolled her eyes and grumbled at his obvious lack of tact whenever it came to her oh so brilliant idea.
"Gajeel, you know we should do this!"
"No, it's t-"
"You know team missions pay more than individual ones, and we need money," she insisted, putting an obvious stress on the last word.
If Gajeel was honest with himself, he would say that he had started to think about her idea very seriously. After all, she was right, they did need money if they wanted to get everything in time. However, there was always this one tiny problem that just couldn't sit right with him.
"Okay, let's imagine I accept your idea," he started, looking at her straight in the eye, "what if Aya gets hurt?"
Levy sighed in relief as her hand caressed her own belly. Obviously, it wasn't the first time he brought up this tiny problem but it was the first time he actually asked an 'if' question, before he would just dismiss the question and say that it was too dangerous.
"It'll be fine," she reassured, "I've been looking at the missions on the board lately. Team missions pay more than individual ones but they are not necessarily more dangerous." She stopped and considered his face for a second.
"Continue," he deadpanned, crossing his arms and leaning back on the wall.
"So, yeah. Some team missions are made for two people, and a lot of them are emergency missions. They are mostly requesting a small team to stop bandits who just robbed a bank or something. No big deal, jus-"
"No big deal?!" he growled, throwing the paintbrush against the wall. "Those robbers could be heavily armed or could even come from dark guilds," he warned, though not completely dismissing her general idea.
"You're here, aren't you?" Her smile was bright and her eyes glowed with faith, and her two arms caressing her belly were proof of how trustworthy Gajeel was to her. "I know you can protect us. I'll be just behind you to back you up if needed, everything will be fine."
He pondered over it the night that followed, and the next morning, he just asked,
"Which mission should we go on?"
And it worked. They went on some missions this way for a month. They had everything under control. Levy would locate the enemy's position and calculate the probabilities of the enemy being in a spot or another at a precise moment. Gajeel would then head to said spot a few minutes before the bandits or the low-ranked dark guilds members and Levy would hide dozens of feet away behind him. Gajeel would deal with them at close distance and Levy would do the same at long distance. It was very simple yet efficient plan that worked almost all the time.
'Almost' here being the key word.
The last team mission they ever went on was nothing out of the ordinary. Their plan was simple and was working. This time, though, one of the mages of the dark guild that robbed a bank managed to be smarter than Levy's calculations. He was the strongest out of them all and was chosen to be the one carrying all the money in a magic bag that was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. The path he chose to go back to his guild was different from the one the other guild members took, the one that Levy calculated, the one that Gajeel followed to beat them all.
The strongest of those thieves came from Levy's side at a tremendously high speed. He saw her in his line of sight and judged wise to treat her as a threat that had to be dealt with quickly. He dugin his bag and grinned grimly when his hand landed on his favourite weapon. A hammer. He stuck it out of the bag and rolled his shoulder to warm himself up. In three seconds, he got dangerously close to Levy.
"Out of the way!" He savoured the look of terror that scarred her face as she spun around. He knew that she had no time to properly react, and he knew exactly where to hit. "I said out of the way! Fatty!"
Next thing she knew, she was flying backwards and she couldn't breathe. He had hit her with his hammer at full speed right in her belly. Her back crashed against a tree, which stopped her flight instantly. Violently. Her spine cracked and she gasped for air when she landed flat on the ground. Every part of her body was hurting and all she wanted to do was scream but only strangled cries managed to leak out of her bloodied mouth.
"You thought you could stop me, fatty?" His cockiness could be felt getting bigger as he walked towards her, hammer in hand. His grin widened the moment he gazed upon the pathetic state of his enemy. She was trying to get back on her feet using the tree as a backrest. With her legs shivering and her head thrown back, she was desperately gasping for air. When she stood back up, he was standing right in front of her. "I can't believe they sent someone like you to stop us," he chukled. He leaned in and placed his mouth close to her ear, and rubbed her belly with his free hand. "Oh? Interesting. Are you fat or are you actually pregnant?"
A chill ran down her collapsed spine as she heard his last word. Aya. She had to be protected. Her motherly instincts told her to run. She tried to run. She tried to run as far as she could. She tried to run away even with all the pain and despair that burdened her.
But she couldn't move.
The vicious grin of her attacker grew even bigger at Levy's eyes widening, which seemed to have been her only visible reaction.
"You know?" he started, licking his lips, "I wanted to be a surgeon when I was a kid." His voice was threatening against her ear, as if his tongue was made out of razors. "And you know what else?" he asked, licking the outline of her ear, "I love The Miracle of Childbirth."
Of all the scenarios Levy could have imagined in her life, this one was completely out of the box. Tears instantly flooded down her face at the thought of losing Aya. Everything went blurry. Her knees trembled and her legs gave out. She fell down her knees and bowed her head down with her arms on top of it. Her heart knocked hard against her shattered ribcage, she felt like her heartbeat alone could kill her. And her whole body was shaking, only a strangled 'please' could be heard from her damaged body.
He snorted at the sight. He kicked her hands off her head. He grabbed her by her hair and pulled her back up with only one hand and smacked her against the tree.
"Oh, dear, you're expecting, aren't you? You must be in a hurry," he cackled, "well, time for an emergency surgery!" He sounded delighted, but his smile disappeared a second after his announcement. His expression was dead cold. He cocked his head to the side, found his way back to her ear and whispered, "let's pop the baby out."
His declaration was promptly followed by a direct swing of his hammer to her belly. She gagged under the weight of the swing that felt, at this point, like a gunshot. Agonizing pain twitched her face in ways that could never be replicated. It felt like her insides were going to burst out of eyeballs and-
"Another!" he screeched, landing another hit straight to her stomach.
She was already at a stage where she could hardly feel a thing anymore. Her body reacted in ways that would keep her alive. Mainly fighting for breath. She couldn't see him properly even though he was right in front of her, smiling. She couldn't think about Aya anymore. She couldn't think about the colour the room should be painted in anymore. She couldn't think about the day she would give birth and witness Gajeel potentially cry. She couldn't think about anything anymore. She was just trying to stay alive. Nothing more.
And he bludgeoned her.
He hit her countless times with his hammer and yet she couldn't feel anything. Her whole body was numb to the pain. All she knew was that she had messed up. That she should never have had this idea of her being on a team mission even though she was pregnant. Everything went wrong because of her. It was her. It was all her fault. She kept telling herself that. But in one last spark of hope, she thought of her husband. She thought that Gajeel could still save her. She also thought that she didn't deserve it.
But as if her prayer had been fulfilled, the rhythm of the violent blows stopped. She opened her eyes and, though she couldn't see clearly, she noticed a metal pole that blew right past her. It came from Gajeel's arm. Unfortunately, her attacker dodged it at the last second.
"See you in hell!" he shouted, landing one final hit to Levy's belly before dashing away, knocking her unconscious.
When she woke up, she found herself laying in a hospital bed with Gajeel beside her, holding her hand.
He reminded her of what happened. He explained that in the middle of the blood of the thieves, it took him longer than usual to notice the scent of her blood. And he apologized. Again and again and again.
Then, the doctor came in, and he explained a lot of things using a lot of complicated words that she, unfortunately, understood very well. He spoke about some medical procedures and the fact that she would have to stay at the hospital for a long time. But the worst was when he told them that there was no way their baby could survive what Levy went through.
Aya had died.
After that, she didn't remember much. She remembered a lot of crying. And sleepless nights. She blamed herself a lot. She hated herself. She even wished she had died too.
As for Gajeel, he had his eyes set on one thing. One person. Before going on his hunt, he asked Lily to keep an eye on her, he couldn't bear knowing that she could not be safe again. Once was already too much.
It took him only twelve hours to find and corner his wife's attacker.
"See you in hell, huh? Well... let me be your shortcut."
He came back a whole week later.
The following weeks, Levy could hardly recognize her husband. He was distant and talked even less than usual. But she could feel his presence, a protective one. She could feel that she would always be protected, no matter where she was. This was not a new feeling, but she felt like this one became stronger after her tragic loss.
And even after he had stormed out of Lucy and Natsu's room in tears, she still had this feeling that he was protecting her from afar. But she wasn't calmed by it this time. Sitting on the chair with her head down, she was shaking. A pang bit her heart from inside out as she burst out of her trance.
"How d-dare you, G-Gajeel?" she sobbed, hands clinging to her quivering knees. "How dare you show more emotion than me? I killed my child."
Her own words blew through her stomach, as if hammered one more time. She knew she would blame herself for years; everything was her fault in her book. She sent her baby to her death sentence and she could have done everything to stop it. But she didn't. She just froze and let it happen. She had failed her mission as a mother before her baby could even see the light of day.
Lucy couldn't look at her as a few tears rolled down her face as well. She knew she would never understand what happened to her. She could only imagine, and that alone was terrifying.
"I'm so sorry," Lucy began, "with everything that happened, I shouldn't have let you come and see Luna. It was inconsiderate and I should have known that you two were not ready..."
At the sound of her apology, and when she noticed that Luna had stopped crying, Levy's swollen eyes shot up at Lucy. She rocketed off her chair, making it tumble backwards, and threw her hands on the shoulders of a distraught Lucy.
"Hey! No!" she whimpered, smiling, "I'm so happy for you," she claimed, "you gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, what's not to love about that?" she laughed. "Look at me, are those really the eyes of someone who's not happy for you? Look at me!"
Her eyes were red. Red lines scarred the white outside her sparkling hazel eyes. The tears were still flooding as she spoke and it seemed like it would never stop. Her face was disfigured by neatly drawn wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. She gasped for air as her hiccups kept on coming. Every single part of her face seemed to cry for help.
"Lucy, look at me," she smiled.
She couldn't look like someone who was happy for her best friend, even if she tried hard putting her happy face on. She held Lucy's shoulders tight. She pinched them even. Lucy could see Levy's arms trembling due to all of the strength she unconsciously put into her grip. She looked like a wounded lion, the grip she inflicted on her felt like claws on her shoulders; she was weak, her legs were quivering, she was clinging onto the last bit of hope she could find.
"Look at me..."
And Lucy looked away.
She couldn't bear watching her best friend being swallowed by the depths of despair and misery. She wanted to deny it with all her might, she wanted to feel like Levy was at peace with herself, she wanted to feel like Levy was happy for her. But she couldn't. So she looked away. She consciously refused to face the facts and she bit her lip hard knowing that it was the only thing she was able to do. She had lost Levy and she was grieving. She knew she hadn't really lost her but she still entered one of the five stages of grief. Denial.
Levy's arms gave out at the realization. Her best friend couldn't recognize her anymore. It just felt as if she was a stranger. A moment of silence passed before a faint and breathy lopsided smile appeared on her face, realizing that it was no use to struggle to become her past self again when her present self was as shattered as she was.
She sighed heavily and ultimately reached an acceptable level of breathing. Making sure that her legs could still support her, she turned around and walked towards the open door.
"I'm going now," she said, as if she had just finished a casual conversation with a bunch of good friends, "take care."
Her footsteps were heavy, they sounded heavy. With her head down, she dragged herself out of the room, and she was accompanied by the pitter-patter of her tears falling from her face to the ground and by, again, the cries of Luna Dragneel.
"There, there, small bump," the father said, "everything's fine..."
Levy closed the door behind her. She almost instantly fell down on her knees, but she knew she couldn't do that. Gajeel was waiting for her. She knew he wasn't too far. He could never let himself be too far anymore. She trudged a few seconds down the hallway and stopped.
She opened the door to her hospital room.
What happened a month before had broken her physically, but it was even worse psychologically. The night terrors were mostly the reason why she was still in this hospital.
The lighting was darker in her room because of the closed shutters. Without a doubt, though, the two rooms were exactly the same. The only difference was that this room was filled with the most negative feelings that could be found.
And she found Gajeel with his head down sitting on a chair by the wall.
She knew that he noticed her presence but he refused to look at her. His eyes were probably as red as hers, if not more. She approached him with shaky legs. All that his field of vision allowed him to see were her legs. And her flat stomach. And her trembling clenched fists. It looked like this frail body of hers could crumble at any moment.
"Hey, Natsu!"
They heard a voice in the hallway, Levy recognized that it was Romeo's.
Levy's room had one major inconvenience; it neighboured Lucy's.
They could hear every single guild members visiting the couple next door. Whether they were Gray and Juvia, Elfman and Evergreen, Erza and Jellal, they could hear happiness flooding the building every time their door was opened. Them taking pictures, them congratulating the couple, them trying to baby talk. They heard everything.
"We heard about the birth of a lively baby girl so we just thought we'd drop by," Macao cheered.
The words echoed in her head as if she had a massive migraine. 'The birth of a lively baby girl'. Guilt oppressed her mind and heart, making the latter drum faster instantly. She was used to negative emotions but this was too much. She collapsed on the ground and burst into tears, burying her face into Gajeel's lap. All he could do was lean in and embrace her.
The same memories as earlier came back to haunt them as she scratched her belly. And it always triggered the vision of what they had planned.
Gajeel had decided to paint the room yellow.
Levy had wanted to teach her how to read and translate runes at an early age.
Gajeel had thought that she could be a great warrior. "She'll be the smartest warrior out there," he'd say.
Levy had pondered over how she would educate her daughter and she had come to the conclusion that she had turned out pretty well as a Fairy Tail member, so she had thought that everything would be all right for her daughter too.
Gajeel had dreamed of holding her tightly in his arms, and tell her nothing but truth. He had dreamed of handing over to her his future. All his unachieved dreams, all the quests he wouldn't have been able to go to, he had wished she could have carried them out in his name.
The hammer mark on her belly that Levy was scratching didn't represent a failed mission, or an unlucky day, or just the day they lost their daughter.
It represented days that should have been and never were. This mark wasn't just the past.
It was a whole future that never happened.
A/N: So, I hope you... enjoyed it? This was the hardest story I've ever had to write. The idea came to me as I was listening to music and my phone was on shuffle mode, it went from Small Bump by Ed Sheeran to a piece written by French pianist Maurice Ravel called Pavane Pour Une Infante Défunte (the name in English is Pavane For Dead Princess). You should go listen to them.
It was my very first try at angst and I hope it turned out well enough, please drop me a note to tell me what you thought of it, it'd mean the world to me :). I will maybe write more angst if you guys liked it :)
This story was beta-ed by my lovely friend OlieGoldenWolf, you should check her out, she writes really good Fairy Tail fics!