Metal Gear Solid 2: Cousins of Capitalism
By Metal Gear Prime
Solid Snake is back, and he's brought his thesaurus with him! Yes friends, it's a parody of dat game with da big edjumicated words, only completely and utterly unreadable! YAY!Â
Chapter 1: Solid Snake, The Man of Putty
Solid 'Dave' Snake was not in a good mood.
It wasn't the poring rain that had him so pissed off, nor what was it the oncoming cold that said rain had promoted in his body. It wasn't even the nagging feeling that he had forgotten something extremely important.
No, it was the seemingly never-ending wave of drunken teenagers speeding by and pelting him with their empty beer cans that had enraged the former FOXHOUND operative. The first couple he managed to successfully ignore, but by the time the 45th car drove by with a pelt and a laugh, his legendary self-control had shattered like a cheap crystal fruit bowl and he had chased after the offending car screaming bloody murder, only to be run over by a Hyundai almost immediately. What followed afterwards was a heroic 15 minute attempt by Snake to make it back to the sidewalk, punctuated every few seconds by yet another car sending the hero of Shadow Moses flying, usually further away from said sidewalk. Luckily a rampaging semi had hit him in such a way that he ended up landing head first on the sidewalk, where he resisted the urge to lie there and let his numerous broken bones mend themselves.
So here he was, walking less like a super-fit killing machine in his thirties and more like a ninety year old ex-cripple just back from Lourdes, about to attempt a bungee jump onto a moving tanker filled with seasoned Marines guarding the very latest in Metal Gear technology from the George Washington Bridge.
Oh yeah, he couldn't have been more confident about success, thanks mostly to pain-induced dementia.
A foghorn from below gave Snake the signal he needed. Forcing his complaining legs into a run, he whipped off his raincoat, simultaneously activated his stealth camouflage and was immediately run over by a Ferrari using the sidewalk to get ahead of the traffic. Leaping to his feet, and ignoring the shrieks of pain emanating from what was left of his spine, Snake built up to a sufficient speed, grabbed the rail and leapt off the bridge.
It was in that frozen moment of time, as he reached the apex of his jump, that Snake realized what he had forgotten. It was, without a doubt, the worst thing he could have forgotten and was the most important thing to have when bungee jumping.
The bungee cord.
*****
From his safe haven aboard the Kamov helicopter, Revolver Ocelot cursed himself for not bringing a camcorder with him for the umpteenth time. A comedic tour de force such as what he had just witnessed really should be recorded for posterity.
Still, Ocelot had realized between guffaws, this wouldn't do. He needed Snake to do a sufficiently good job against Gurlukovich's men, something his road kill impression had failed to convince the traitorous psuedo-cowboy that he could accomplish.
Nor did Snake's method of entry onto the tanker, which seemed to consist of leaping off the George Washington Bridge and executing a perfect landing on the main deck with his head. The impact had made even Ocelot wince.
Discarding the Thermal Goggles he had been using to follow Snake's movements, Ocelot sat back and mulled over his plans. When he thought about it, there was really nothing to worry about. He knew that Snake was still alive, (the fruits of the les enfants terrible project were nigh-on impossible to kill, a fact Ocelot had recently become all too aware of), and that, in the end (and despite every conceivable form of logic) he would triumph against Sergei's men.
As soon as he regained consciousness, of course.
To be continued…