You never quite can tell, can you? First you trust, then you hate, then trust comes back again. It's like dancing in moon light at midday. Never real, but too surreal to be anything other than the truth.
Love is like that too. But then love always was going to be complicated. It varies so much and can mean so many things that its pointless to the degree of being the only important thing in the world. Which is why its complicated. Hate is less so, and more so depending on how you perceive it.
I once thought that not feeling would solve the problems caused by those oh so difficult feelings. Only to realise that trying not to feel make your emotions intensify to extremes, only now you have to hide them as well, making the more powerful. A vicious circle. that's all the human mind is, one bloody dark vicious circle.
You learn a few thing once you've had years to think. Not that it changed me, I'm unchangeable, unstoppable. Always was always will be. The others and me. But then it's just me now isn't it? Ha! Well being on my own never hurt me, nothing can. I'm invincible.
You're not invincible! You always charge in, don't think about anything do you? Does the word consequences mean a thing to you?
How was I meant to know the bastard was cutting himself to buggary every night? And even if he was, that's not my fault. It wasn't like I was telling him too, was it?
They used to glow, especially when they were together. I don't remember if I did too. The perspective is all wrong now. I cant truly focus on anyone thing. Loosing my mind perhaps. That'd be nice. But unlikely, everything's to tightly packed, I suppose I could become unhinged if I tried to hold on to too much. Again unlikely, I'm never going to pick anything new up am I? Not here. Not ever. A hanged man I always was going to be, and now I really am. They must all be so proud of me. And how well I've grown up, better than they thought I'm sure.
Most of all I think I miss fags. I cant remember the last time I sat down with a glass of whiskey and a fag. Always used to sit on the balcony of the flat when the others were still asleep with coffee and a cigarette and wait for the sun rise to reach me and stop me from freezing to death. Well my last sun rise morning was years ago now. But I can still remember it. One of the few things that is still clear to me.
Is this never going to end, I could end it. But… I don't know why not. Maybe, maybe I still hope?