Plot: Stuck in his portrait at Hogwarts, Severus Snape decides to write a complaint letter to our dear JK Rowling, to express his discontent about his character and to pour his heart out...
Note: No offence to JK Rowling or to anyone! Snape is my favourite character, and I just wanted to have a little fun imagining what he would complain about if he could write to JKR. :) I hope I'm not stealing anybody's idea, let me know otherwise!
Please keep in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes! ;)
Dear Mrs Sadistic,
I know this letter won't change anything, the dice are already tossed, but I just wanted to express my discontent and to pour my heart out...
Let me get this straight. Have you got something against me? Have I done something to you? Is it because you don't like my hair? We could have talked you know, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck in that bloody portrait right now!
Don't understand me? Alright, let's have a look at my wonderful and how exciting existence...
That my old man abused my mother, okay. There are problems in every family. That you have the only woman possibly interested in me get married to that dunderhead and then killed, fine. I guess every book needs its dose of tragedy. I'm just under the impression that Fate has been particularly merciless with me. Look at Flitwick. Alright, he's ugly, and small, and he looks like a Goblin, and he has a bad breath... but apart from that, looks like a happy old man to me. I wouldn't have minded sharing my bad luck with him.
Then, the Potter boy. The most annoying brat I've ever got to know. Well, come to think of it, the red head and Miss Know-it-all were not bad either in that competition. Arrogant, mediocre, naive, insolent... And I had to protect him. Oh joy!
What else? Ah, my patronus… This is a joke, isn't it? I mean, a doe? Why not a butterfly or a toy poodle, while we're at it? Seriously, could it be more gay? Merlin, I have my pride, you know? And please, spare me the speech about Evans! You should know by now that I'm not the lovey-dovey kind of guy! Dumbledore's patronus was a phoenix, that's a bit more classy!
Dumbledore, yeah... let's talk about him too... I spent half of my life doing anything he asked me to (no, not that, you dirty mind!), I've spied for him, and risked my life a countless times and all he came up with in the end was asking me to kill him. Like people didn't hate me enough already!
And finally, my death... Yeah, that scene... The all "Look at me" thing... You had me thinking I'd have had to kiss the brat! I've read fanfictions, you know! And I was scared! Then Potter and his gang just left me there on my own. I don't care the boy had to face that good old Voldemort! I was dead and nobody cared! I don't even want to know how long it took them to come and pick my body, they were too busy celebrating. Damn, I was only 38! Such a waste! And I'd never got laid! You're such a cruel lady, JK!
And I'm saving the best for last. The icing on the cake. The ultimate affront. The damn brat naming his son Albus Severus. Not only am I second choice, which already is a huge humiliation in itself, but moreover, having a Potter called Severus is a real insult to my first name. I think I'll never get over this...
Well, I feel better now. It had to come out... But be sure I'll never forgive you for having made such a mess of my life!
Yours sincerely, (you bet!)
Severus.
PS. I would highly appreciate that you remove my portrait far, very far from Dumbledore's. I just can't stand his mischievous smile anymore, nor can I stand his "Portraits' tea parties" on Friday afternoons (and no, I don't like sherbet lemons, for Merlin's sake!) Oh, and I won't thank you for revealing the whole world that the old fart is gay. Since he came out of the closet, his pink wizard robes have scared the hell out of me...
Many thanks for reading! Reviews are welcome! :)
Published on August 19. 2011