THE OFFICE: Class(mates) Reunion:

(First Scene)

(MICHAEL is at his desk, reading aloud from the computer)

MICHAEL Well, Froelich! My old college buddy! He's coming here today! He wants to go over old times...he wants to hang out...he wants the twelve thousand dollars I owe him. I lost the promissory note, does that mean I still owe?

(To Camera) I...loved Phil Froelich. He's a great guy. He got me out of a nasty jam a while back. I met a girl, she was hitchhiking. Said she was nineteen, lived with her parents, but said she was a college student. We were hot and heavy, Taryn and I. Took her to meet my Mom. (Pause) Turns out she was a lit-tile bit younger. Yeah. She took me to meet her parents, too. It-there was a disagreement about age of consent. They all look so old, you know? Big trouble. I called Phil Froelisch. Phil was great, he helped me out big time.

(Pause)

I don't have twelve thousand dollars. (pause) Good to see Phil again, though.

(Scene)

MICHAEL (to coworkers having pizza in conference room) My old college roommate! (Too loud) Yes, old Phil Froelisch...he's comin' here today, haven't seen him in six years or so. (Meditatively) The times we had, the hell we RAISED! (Confidentially) You just see me now as the buttoned-down boss, but Phil and I, we were jumpin at Scranton U! I'll never forget when we co-chaired Pig Night...(he muffles a laugh in his arm)

KEVIN ( oblivious to Jim making "Don't ask" signs by waving his arms) Pig Night? Were you Agriculture majors?

MICHAEL (joyous) No! No, it was in our frat, we had a contest on who could bring the ugliest girl to this, this party we had. (Pauses, smiling to himself) 'Course, the GIRLS didn't know that. (Pause) And then you know what we did?

(Entire Conference room is silent. Meredith throws her pizza from her mouth to the table)

JIM It's, maybe something you shouldn't tell a- uh a mixed crowd, Michael.

MICHAEL (Scornfully) Wimp. No, no it was great, we-

JIM No, really maybe-

DWIGHT Jim! Your superior is talking. Can't you just listen and learn?

JIM Learn?

MICHAEL Look, enough from the peanut gallery. We had a great time on Pig Night! We'd treat the girls really well, and I kid you not, one year I brought a drooler with Downs Syndrome, that didn't even go to the college, you know? Picked her up when she was cleaning the Kwik-Mart parking lot. She was THRILLED to be asked to a dance.

And Phil, my old buddy who's coming, he brought some heffer from the library...and everyone else just had the most unsightly women-I mean, we usually had hot sorority girls and that sort of thing, this was unbelievable for the Gammas. (Pause) But at midnight, Phil and I and another friend of ours, Oliver.

God, was Oliver a riot-schizophrenic now, too bad- but anyway, Phil, Ollie and I got our "dates" (uses quote fingers) to take off their clothes, down to bra and panties in this upstairs BEDROOM? And then we chased them downstairs and threw them out of the house, and began shooting rubber bands at them, screaming PIG, PIG PIG, as their fat cabooses ran down Fraternity Row! (Overcome by his story, Michael leans against the door of the conference room, laughiing, and Dwight giggles a bit. Suddenly Michael notices that everyone is just looking at him, as they sit around the table.) Well, of course-just a joke. Fraternities, they-it's just for fun, Pig Night, And-and we also raised lots of money for Lung Cancer.

JIM (Alone, to camera) But possibly not at the same event.

(Next Scene)

Michael (To Camera) Yes, Phil was HILARIOUS. Once he told a nun we knew that the solution to homelessness was "Looney Chow". Yeah. Instead of trying to feed the homeless and mentally ill together, once a year you'd grind the homeless up, and feed them to the mentally ill...and then the next year grind up the mentally ill and feed them to the homeless! (Overcome by hysteria) They could call that "Dumpster Chow". Phil, Phil was a riot.

We-we were going to go to New York, and work on Saturday Night Live-it didn't work out. (Looks sad) Right when we were going to go audition, I had an attack of hives. Yeah, and Phil's dad made him go work in the family business. Boy did SNL lose an opportunity for a couple of jumping guys, huh? (Pause) Hives aren't funny. Hives can KILL.

(next scene)

(SCENE)

JIM (to camera) Michael has an old college buddy coming in. That's great. Michael must have been something in college. Don't think he graduated, though. Toby said something about it once. But yeah. College friends. I don't keep up with mine anymore. They were a great bunch, went their different ways. I'm here. Been here a long time.

(SCENE)

(PAM is doodling at her desk, and she glances up to see what appears to be Mrs. Doubtfire. Or maybe Madeline Albright with good abs, A big, hefty woman, or so it seems, with a blonde pompadour, excessive makeup, broad chin.)

DIANE. Hello. I'm here to see Michael Scott.

PAM, (gazing) Oh, of course. Michael? (She calls to Michael, who is talking to DWIGHT at his desk) You have a visitor, Miss-Miz-

DIANE. Diane Froelich, but he knew me as Phil. (DIANE grins widely)

PAM Oh. oh my. Michael?

(MICHAEL approaches)

MICHAEL Hi. We already gave to Special Olympics. No? Overeaters Anonymous doesn't collect, do they?

DIANE It's me, Michael. Phil, but I've had an-an operation. I'm Diane now.

(Scene)

(DIANE to the camera)

DIANE I've paid for most of it, but I need the extra twelve grand to cut off a little (points downward) unncessesary cartilage down-there. Just a little more to make me fabulous. (DIANE grins big)

(LATER, after Michael has accepted that Phil is now Diane, they are having an earnest talk in Michael's office)

DIANE About that loan, Michael. You haven't made any payments-

MICHAEL (Quickly) Well, it's been a rough year. I've not done as well- Hey-hey Diane, how's your life going? (speaks quickly, desperate to distract)

DIANE. (in her high falsetto) Well, my biggest problem is...I can't find a good relationship. It's hard-that is to say, difficult.

MICHAEL (speaks through fist supporting chin, and covering mouth) That so?

DIANE. Well, it's-I'm a woman, legally. And I feel like a woman. I want a passionate relationship with a man, but all I seem to get in the bars are the last calls, you know, drunken truckers, and that kind of thing.

MICHAEL (still holding fist in front of mouth) Well, truckers aren't bad. Maybe-make good husbands?

DIANE. (looks disgusted) Oh, c'mon Michael! I don't want to marry some trucker-and even if I did, they always take one look at me, in the morning when they're sober and take off. Like I'd want a trucker anyway. (We get the impression that even as a transsexual, Diane is as big a self-centered asshole as Michael)

MICHAEL. Well gee buddy, uh, hon-(perplexed) Well gee Diane, I don't know.

DIANE About that loan though, Michael, you are way late...

MICHAEL. Hey. I know someone who is really great, a great guy. What about Jim?

DIANE Jim? Out there? Yes, he's a cutie, but I don't think he's attracted-I mean, the young guys don't-

MICHAEL. (Oblivious) No, no. He's a really good guy, and he had this thing for Pam, the receptionist-that's a secret, you know. He tells me everything, Jim does. And shit, Pam's just a receptionist, but you've like-done big stuff with your dad's patio furniture company. (Struck by a sudden thought) Phil-Diane-you're still with it, right? Your Dad didn't-

DIANE Of course. I didn't get the operation until Dad kicked, the judgmental asshole.

MICHAEL Yeah, I remember he didn't like my Keds. Well hey, big guy, uh (Pauses for a moment, because Diane/Phil, though no longer a guy IS kinda big) Yeah. Like I was saying, Jim would probably be a lot more impressed by a patio furniture CFO than, well Pam. She's kind of dowdy anyhow.

DIANE (nasty snort) I saw that Filene's shirt. Yes I am glittery, aren't I? (Shows Michael a silver lame top, grotesque, covering his saggy "breasts") Sure. Well hook us up, big boy. Just like you got me tampon sockets back at Alpha Tau, you were the wingman!

MICHAEL.(turns to camera) Tampon sockets! That's the kind of stuff um, Diane used to say..for girls, right? And I hooked him up LOTS. (Meditatively) But it might not be so easy now, big-uh big Diane. Your charm has changed.

DIANE. (Glaring) For the better, I hope.

MICHAEL. Oh, sure. And-and Tim would like getting-some. I mean, you're easy, right?

DIANE. As pie.

(NEXT SCENE)

(JIM is looking, as always, over at Pam, who is on the phone. MICHAEL comes out of his office, and approaches JIM)

MICHAEL. Jimbo! My man! (punches Jim somewhat lightly on the arm) How's it goin'...do I have a treat for you?"

JIM (hopeful) You mean the bonus you promised? That was a week ago, Michael. Jan said you have the money, it was sent down.

MICHAEL. (shakes his head, smiling) No, uh-no. I used that for a bonus PARTY, remember? Took you and the guys for a treat to Hooters. Because of your good work. No, I have something better...going to hook you up, bigtime. Help you forget about-(MICHAEL holds up his palm and points a finger in it, towards Pam) Time for you to move on, like I've done with Jan...and do I have some nookie for you.

DWIGHT (alert) Nookie? Nookie, Michael? Why not me? I could give a woman a good time. I'm after all, a martial arts expert...I am sensual with responisbility.

DWIGHT (to camera)

I've found that my martial arts training (5 second pause) isn't just an asset, but it's also a tremendous responsibility. For instance, when I travel to a new town, I always take the trouble to register my hands as deadly weapons with the local police department...it used to be a law.

You HAD to. That's why Shang-Chi, the Master of Kung Fu had to travel at night, because he knew he'd be locked up for being so dangerous.

(Pause)

Of course, police departments today...they're so caught up with bureaucracy, they...they just don't have time to deal with a potential threat, such as an Akido expert whose come to town. (brief pause) Actually, some PDs actually think it's a joke.

That's why we have so much social upheaval. The police are all about parking tickets, and when a potential deadly weapon shows up in Pittsburgh for a Science Fiction Convention, no one cares.

(NEXT SCENE)

(MICHAEL and JIM are conversing, standing up, near the office door, and JIM does not look happy.)

JIM Wait. You've got to be kidding. There's no way. No way, Michael (JIM attempts to walk away from MICHAEL, but MICHAEL detains him with one arm.)

MICHAEL. Come-come on. Diane's great-and she LIKES you, man! It's not like you have to wonder...

JIM (rudely) You have to wonder about a lot of things in this office.

MICHAEL. No-no. D-do you know what Diane told me? She says that because she used to be a-uh, a guy, she KNOWS what guys like. All the sensitive places...(MICHAEL gestures towards Jim's crotch) down there. It's wild. Men never forget her.

JIM I bet you're right Michael. Her shoulders are like Roger Staubach's.

(Ryan walks by, stops)

RYAN What's going on? Is she still? (Ryan points to the door)

MICHAEL. Yes, Jim and I are discussing whether Jim wants to go out with her. She's interested.

RYAN. Oh. Hey Jim-didn't know that about you, but-great.

JIM (Horrified) No, Ryan! I don't want to go out with her, are you kidding?

MICHAEL Jim thinks Diane is too big.

MEREDITH (approaching) Well, Jim, I understand there are lots of slender transsexuals.

MICHAEL But why be picky? Jim can have a great time. Bet she's got a soft m- (MICHEAL stops, as MEREDITH glares at him)

JIM (looks behind him to see what Pam is hearing) No! I don't want to go out with transsexuals! I don't like any of them!

MICHAEL (analytically, sympathetically, to MEREDITH and RYAN) Still stuck on Pam. Can't conceive of a girl with a little "extra"

DWIGHT. Michael, really, I think Jim's right, just this once. I mean, that creature in there is disgusting. All sodomites are.

OSCAR (getting up) What's that, Dwight?

MICHAEL (explaining) Jim and Dwight hate fags, but I'm defending-

JIM (walking out) No! I don't hate anyone! But I'm not going to go with that freak!

MICHAEL (to camera)

I hate intolerance. Jim and Dwight surprise me sometimes, though I guess we all have our little prejudices. I'm not especially attracted to black women, but I might go out with Kelly, if she asked (giggles) nicely.

What? Kelly's Indian?

Oh, black, Indian, whatever. I'd give her a better chance than poor Jim is willing to give my friend Phil...Diane.

(Next Scene)

(DIANE and MICHAEL are in the office again)

DIANE What happened, Michael? Thought you were still my excellent wing man. You told him I was a sure thing, right?

MICHAEL Yeah-sure. I can't believe he's not more-more excitd.

DIANE But I saw him through your office window. Jim LOOKED excited. He was waving his arms around and all that. I-when he left, I thought maybe he was going out to get me a corsage. Or condoms.

MICHAEL Well, condoms? He can't get you preggers can he? I mean, it's not THAT good of an operation.

DIANE Well, look, I-you got me all excited about this Jim, Michael. What's going on? He looks like a healthy, horny young guy.

MICHAEL (realizes it's hopeless) Well, he's just not into you, or not going to get into you, I dunno. He's prejudiced, Jim. Doesn't always work out...