An Ounce Of Prevention
An Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Inspired by an Internet conversation on monster biology, with pitbulllady. Based off the show, it seems looming is a very intensive workout, and burns a large amount of calories. Ickis is a perpetual snacker, and at times can even rival Krumm's appetite. However he always seems to lose any excess weight he may have put on during the day the instant he looms. Ickis also has a smaller, scrawner build than his famous father, who he idolizes but isn't sure he can ever live up to. Zimbo is exactly the kind of monster who would capitalize on this perceived weakness, with dire consequences. This fic has a slightly higher rating than most as it deals with the sensitive subject matter of eating disorders (particularly anorexia and bulimia nervosa). It's a horribly cruel condition for anyone to experience, particularly when youth or adolescents are affected.
Zimbo was bored. His morning had lacked entertainment as Ickis had not been properly humilated in front of the Viewfinder. Zimbo didn't care what the Gromble believed, those humans were definitely more surprised than scared. What kind of human yells "Woah?" out of fright, anyway? Speak of the devil, there was the little moron now, saunteering out of the cafeteria, carrying a bag of something crunchy.
"Snacking again, Ickis?" sneered Zimbo.
"Of course. They just got another batch of deep-fried fire ants shipped in, who'd wanna miss that?" Ickis wondered aloud.
"Not you, obviously. I guess being overweight AND unintelligent run in your family." Zimbo declared.
"Whaddya mean overweight, we're loomers. Dad's always saying we NEED to keep eating!" Ickis protested.
"Yes, your father, the Great Slickis. I think it's so sad when athletes grow old and out-of-shape. He probly considers food an emotional crutch these days, given ALL the disappointments life has handed him." insinuated Zimbo.
"D-dad's not disappointed in me. And he isn't fat either." Ickis argued.
"Well he's certainly NOT thin. Even a monster as nearsighted as you, couldn't help but notice THAT big belly. Don't worry if it took you a long time to pick up on it, I'm sure you'll come to grips with it when you grow up and fill out completely." Zimbo laughed.
"He's storing it all up for a big loom!" Ickis insisted. "He told me so, he doesn't lie, Dad's not fat, he... he's my dad and I wanna be just like him."
"The way you eat, you'll be halfway there by this time tomorrow. Pudge." Zimbo's scornful remark would ring in Ickis' ears all day. He kept glancing at his big claws, big feet, big ears, no wonder all the girls thought he was gweebie. No one was EVER going to squish on a fat monster, just look at how long the Gromble had stayed single! He'd have to do something drastic. He had just started considering his options when Oblina walked up to him.
"Icky, Krumm and I are going over to the recycling plant, he says they have a very extensive supply of 'aluminium cans' so naturally we thought of inviting you..." Oblina began.
"Why, so you can have dinner and a show? Well, you'll just have to get your entertainment somewhere else!" snapped Ickis. "I'm going to the gym. And then to the water slide to practice boarding. And THEN I'm playing sewerball until I run out of tomatos!"
"To-mah-tos." Oblina corrected him. "That sounds like a very full evening. Don't forget to study your Manual, there's another chapter test tomorrow."
"I'll carry it on my head, it must weigh at least 5 pounds!" Ickis declared.
"Oh Icky, your head isn't that big. 4 pounds at most." she joked.
"I'm doomed! How could I let this happen?" Ickis pulled on his ears. "I'll work the rest of my life to correct it, I swear!" He ran screaming from her sight.
"Really, Ickis, it won't take that long. Just spend an extra 20 minutes going over the new vocabulary and then try to match the Scare Technique Originators to the Celebrity Monsters!" she called after him.
Ickis knew he still had a long way to go, but he was determined not to give up. After he'd worn out the tread on the running machine, he'd scoured the dump for wrenches, screwdrivers, and other assorted tools in order to repair the machine. The custodian hadn't wanted to let him back in the gym, but after one quick loom, he'd been able to pry the door off the hinges with his claws. Of course, he'd fixed the door too, but only after he'd done an additional 20 laps. A monster had to have priorities. At least the water slide had been completely vacant, humans still considered this the 'off season' for amusement parks. And while he'd only been able to scrounge up 117 tomatos, he did find 4 watermelon halves to practice on as well, and given their cumbersome shape, they provided an ever greater workout. Just let the other monsters try and laugh at him now, he was going to be the most perfect, lean, mean, scaring machine. He caught a quick glimpse of himself in the mirror and growled fiercely.
"You should wipe your nose Ickis, before you go to class." Oblina instructed. "And you might want to try a throat lozenge, too."
Was that another insult about his weight? Ickis wasn't quite sure how it could be, but Oblina WAS a clever girl, so a cutting remark -had- to be buried in there somewhere. She would be sorry soon enough, when all the other girls were lining up just to be his squishy, and he would ignore her for a whole day, no a week, before allowing her the supreme honor of being escorted by him. Oh yes, she would suffer and be glad for it.
"You'll fall in line." he muttered.
"Not likely. I always arrive at class before a line has even formed. You would be wise to leave earlier as well, Ickis." Oblina loftily exclaimed.
"I'LL RACE YA!" Ickis yelled as he barreled past her.
Oblina sighed, and picked up Ickis' Monster Manual. "I'll carry it on my head." she mimicked. Krumm laughed. Halfway to class, Ickis doubled back, and snatched the Manual from Oblina.
"I planned that all along." he informed her. "Don't you ever question that!"
"It's not my questions you should worry about. The Gromble is going to ask you several things that you probly won't have a clue about. I told you to study more." Oblina lectured.
"I know what's important now, that's all that matters!" Ickis stubbornly insisted. "Time me! I bet I make it to my seat in 30 seconds flat!"
Krumm dutifully began counting. "One, two, three, four, how long do I have to keep this up, Oblina?" he wondered.
"I wouldn't even bother. Mister Manic will move on to a new fixation soon enough." she predicted.
As they entered class, she could hear Ickis laughing. "27 seconds! Ha ha, isn't it glorious? 3 to the 3rd power and I -am- a powerful monster! Nothing EVER slows me down." declared Ickis.
"Master Ickis, who invented the Shuffling Stomp? The Mournful Howl? The Behind-The-Back Sinister Scratch?" the Gromble inquired.
Ickis fidgeted nervously. "The Loch Ness Monster?" he ventured.
The Gromble roared with laughter. "All his scares were WATER-BASED. Anyone who had done the preliminary reading would know that! Good luck getting a 27 on your test." he jeered.
19 wasn't so bad a score. If you looked at it upside-down, it could pass for a 61, and that was solidly in the 'D' range. Ickis wondered briefly if his father would accept that logic, but then decided he didn't care. He didn't need approval from any monster who would let himself fall from grace. Most of his bad habits could be traced back to his childhood anyway, where he learned that there was no such thing as leftovers when you had lunch with a loomer, and that if he didn't eat what was in front of him, somebody else would. Let him have it! Maybe Dad was comfortable with having everyone laugh at him in secret, but that was NOT the life Ickis was going to lead. They'd always said Ickis would never turn out like the old beast, and for once he was glad. Ickis' stomach rumbled, but he pretended not to hear it.
"What do you think they're having for lunch today? I'm so hungry I could eat a whole box of styrofoam peanuts." announced Krumm.
"Those are just empty calories." Ickis explained.
"Precisely what I have been telling him. The Worchester Worms are a much better choice, that's what I'm having." declared Oblina. "What about you, Ickis?"
"I have to... read my Manual. There's a test coming up." lied Ickis.
"You mean the test you just flunked, or the one that's in 2 weeks?" asked Oblina.
"The later one. You were right, Oblina, I don't study -near- enough. Gotta get a jump on these things, see ya!" Ickis called out as he rushed back to the dorm.
Oblina frowned. "I know he's not the -best- reader but I don't think even Ickis needs to start his homework during lunch. 12 days ought to be enough preparation for him." she stated.
Krumm shrugged. "More for me, then! I'm having the fire-ants, and the worms, and the slugs, with styrofoam insulation for dessert!"
Of course, Ickis wasn't reading. The Manual was so much more useful as a free-weight. He did 50 repetitions of ear-curls on the left side, then another 50 with his right. He would have started over again, except he heard Oblina and Krumm knocking on the door.
"Ickis, it's Oblina. I can't get in, the door won't open." she explained.
"You really need to work on a new catchprase." Ickis grumbled, as he unlocked it.
"I love being smelly." Krumm put forth. "You can try it if you want, it's always worked for me, Oblina."
She rolled her eyes. "No thank you, I prefer not to rely on stock expressions." Oblina claimed.
"No way! I've heard you play the 'I told you so' card dozens of times, this week!" countered Ickis.
"You deserved every one of them." Oblina retorted. "And you are such an ingrate, it makes me wonder why I even bothered to bring YOU some of the cafeteria worms."
Of course, Ickis understood her true motivation perfectly. She was just here to watch him gorge himself and then gloat about it afterwards. She was always so smug, just because she could reach inside and pull out her guts. Ickis had tried it once, just to prove a point, but all he'd succeeded in doing was vomiting profusely... he smiled. "Why, thank you Oblina." he told her. It sickened him to swallow those worms, but he knew he didn't have to keep them down for long.
"Krumm and I have been discussing potential scare locations. How do you feel about the supermarket, there is always a crowd there." suggested Oblina.
Ickis scowled. "You're TWISTED." he snarled.
Krumm was confused. "She seems to be standing upright to me." he stated.
"He's just being snappish. I think our little bonsty did not get enough ugly sleep last night." Oblina insinuated.
There, he knew the jabs about his appearance were coming! She could only contain her disgust for so long. It was a wonder they'd ever become friends in the first place. Presumably, she had just been nice to him so she could keep her spot in the dorm. Still, he had to admit that he'd appreciated the charade while it lasted. Maybe someday when he was thin and popular, she would regret her moments of cruelty. Being the magnanimous monster that he was, he would forgive her. Eventually.
"I'm not tired. In fact, if you'll just give me 10 minutes to prepare, I'll join you." he innocently claimed.
Oblina nodded her agreement. "Good, we'll be waiting at the north sewer gate. Hopefully you will use the time to get rid of that chip on your shoulder." she stated, as she and Krumm walked away.
Ickis watched them go for a few minutes, then headed to a secluded spot in the sewer. He crammed a claw down his throat and threw up everything.
"There are our targets!" Oblina happily announced. "Krumm, I want you to pretend to be a bag of flour, right up until some lady tries to place you in her cart, then you unleash your stench. I will be in the next aisle over, masquerading as a loaf of French bread. When a human tries to pick me out, they are going to be severely horrified. Ickis you hide behind the canned goods and loom. Then we shall all meet by the cash registers. If the humans still seem to be in a thorough state of panic, we shall improvise additional scares. Some of us COULD use the extra-credit."
"Sounds good to me." Krumm agreed as he climbed onto his appointed shelf. Ickis stared at him a few moments. For some reason, he was having trouble remembering Oblina's instructions. He walked slowly over to the cans and sat down. It was harder to begin a loom from a seated position but he was feeling tired and it couldn't hurt to sit for just a little while, help him gather his thoughts. He could stand up later, after he jogged back to the dump, it was lazy to take the shortcut through the sewers.
A hefty brunette shopper shuffled over towards Krumm. "I was going to get the larger size, but this one's on special. It should be just perfect for my daughter's cupca-ohmylord! What is that smell?" the woman gagged.
"Sorry, it's just me. Have you seen my eyeballs? Oh wait, I'm CARRYING them." Krumm laughed as he tossed his eyes back and forth. The woman screamed in terror and ran away, leaving her cart behind.
A short man with a moustache admired the various baked goods. "Rye, pumpernickel, sourdough, no none of these will do. I need to try something more upscale, maybe one of these European delicacies." He tried to give the loaf a squeeze only to have another hand close around his.
"Are you sure about that? I may be too rich for your blood." Oblina simpered, right before she grabbed her guts, and dangled them in front of the man's face. He shrieked and hurried away, all dinner plans forgotten. Oblina smirked as she walked to their designated meeting spot. This was shaping up to be a fine evening indeed.
"Hey Oblina! Great scaring, huh?" Krumm greeted her.
"I was in rare form." admitted Oblina. "Have you seen Ickis? I thought he'd want to race over here, or some other nonsense."
"Nope. I came here right after my scare, and he was nowhere in sight." Krumm stated.
Oblina frowned. "It was a very simple assignment, I don't know how he could have messed it up, but I guess he found a way. Come along Krumm, it looks like we'll have to bail Ickis out again."
Ickis gazed unsteadily at the shoppers around him. He was s'posed to be doing something scary, but he couldn't decide which human to go for, the tall boy in the baseball cap on his right, or the two fuzzier, identical versions on either side of the human.
"What the heck is a bunny doing in a grocery store? Hey, Sheila, check this out!" all 3 human boys yelled simultaneously.
"That's not so strange. I saw bunnies in a Chinatown shop once. Of course, they WERE hanging upside-down." Sheila and her bizarrely similiar dopplegangers announced.
Ickis growled. He didn't care how outnumbered he was, he hated being called a bunny. He'd show them all, just as soon as he loomed! He could feel the blood dripping into his eyes and... nothing else. Well, he had a slight headache, but that didn't usually foreshadow a loom.
Krumm skillfully rolled an eyeball towards the human duo. "Sheila, did you see that? Is it some kind of olive or whaaa?" the tall boy backed away, clearly unnerved.
"Steve, I'm sure it's nothing horri-bah! That's an eyeball!" wailed Sheila.
"It's my friend's, and I fear he can't do anything with it." insisted Oblina. "But like I told him, it's what's inside that counts. Here, I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Oblina reached deep within and waggled the promised organs back-and-forth. Steve and Sheila screamed again before running away for good.
Oblina glared at Ickis. "It's not that I don't enjoy doing another scare Ickis, but I don't believe that I should ALWAYS have to cover for your mistakes. Why didn't you loom?" she demanded.
"I was... trying..." Ickis huffed breathlessly.
"You are always trying." Oblina frowned as she studied him more closely. He definitely appeared smaller than usual, with glossy eyes and his coloring seemed off. She placed a hand on his forehead. "Icky, you're hot." she announced simply.
Ickis smirked. "Knew it'd... work soon... she LIKES me..." he swayed a bit on his feet. Oblina caught him.
"I would like for you to go to bed. Krumm and I are not taking you on any more scares until you are feeling like yourself again." insisted Oblina. "And if you are still acting this way tomorrow, you can forget about school." When Ickis didn't respond with an excited squeal of bliss, it only increased her worries.
Even in his dreams, Ickis was still lobbying hard to introduce a new House Rule. "Dad, Dad, you gotta trust me on this. We can be the BEST monsters ever, all we have to do is stop eating!" Ickis informed him.
Slickis remained unmoved."Pies are very filling." he claimed.
"But they're not fulfilling! You and me, we could have girls squishing on us every day of our lives, enough to have a different date for a century!" It was a slight exaggeration, but Ickis firmly believed that could earn at least a decade's worth of admiration.
"No, I don't plan on ever re-entering the dating scene. It would be disrespectful to your mother, and hurtful to any girl who had to stand in her shadow." Slickis explained.
"You're NOT listening! Why do we even have ears if you never use them?!" whined Ickis.
"It's to hear the garbage truck, when it brings in new deliveries. Ah, I love my life." Slickis cheerfully announced as he walked off, leaving Ickis frustrated and confused, standing all by himself.
Ickis snapped awake. Once again, he was alone. It didn't surprise him that Krumm and Oblina had run off already, it must be so draining to have to room with such a fat, boarish oaf. They were too kind to point it out directly, but the more he thought about it, the more he could remember Oblina shaking her head in disgust as he wolfed down the last "aluminium can" and even Krumm discouraged Ickis from helping with the mold harvest since he liked to sneak handfuls of it before Horvak had finished aging and culturing the mildew. Why was he so terrible and undisciplined? It was a wonder they hadn't just kicked him out of the Academy entirely, and sent him to live on a hippie commune where every meal was tofu and sprouts. He deserved to experience daily misery and woe.
Ickis' stomach growled, but he ignored it. Never again, he vowed. He'd made some real progress already, and he wasn't about to quit while he was ahead. He grabbed the Monster Manual and ran to class. It burned more calories than walking. With any luck, the Gromble would send him to the Snorch for further punishment. A monster could get a real workout there.
He tripped twice on the way, scuffing his kness. Good, bleeding built character. He wondered how much weight blood accounted for. Maybe he would donate plasma at the next blood-drive, they had discouraged it in the past, claiming that loomers needed a steady supply of blood to properly frighten humans. It embarassed him to recall that the Doctor had given him a sludge-pop anyway, just for showing up. Sometimes adults were so cruel.
"Didja start...class? I'm here Grumpy... er Gromby. Gromble gumbo that'd be... great. Try it, you'll... love it." Ickis announced as he staggered into class.
The Gromble sighed. "And here I thought it was going to be a pleasant day. Oblina, why must you get my hopes up?" the Gromble questioned.
"He really isn't well, your Grombleness. Go on back to the dorm Ickis, get some more sleep." insisted Oblina.
Ickis ignored her instructions. "S-sorry I'm... late... gonna scare you sense...less. New an' Imp...roved Ickis... ready for any...thing." Ickis proclaimed.
The Gromble stared at his young student. New and Improved Ickis looked like death warmed over, with lurching breaths and several ribs showing across his chest.
"Master Ickis? ARE you alright?" the Gromble asked, with a note of concern creeping into his voice.
"I like rice." Ickis muttered weakly as he fell to the floor.
When Ickis opened his eyes again, he saw that he was no longer lying prone at the Gromble's feet and was glad. That had to be one of the most compromising positions in the known universe, and one he wasn't eager to repeat. He seemed to be in the infirmary, with an IV tube dangling from one arm.
"Whaaa- why'm I here?" Ickis groaned.
"Perhaps you were afraid some other student might challenge your record for Most Trips To My Office." the Doctor quipped. "Don't worry, you've still got a sizable lead."
"I got a school record? Wait'll I tell Dad." Ickis murmured as he slipped back into a doze.
The doctor snapped his claws. "Hey, hey, wake back up! Your father is on his way. It's no business of mine if you sleep through his visit, but I need you to eat something first. I've got a bucket of mealworm mash with your name on it." the Doctor informed him.
"I AM NOT A GLUTTON!" Ickis roared as he frantically tried to scramble away from the Doctor. "There's nothing that turns a girl's stomach faster than seeing me stuff my face, I'm not doing it, I won't, you can't make me!"
The Doctor frowned. "Is that what started all this? What idiot told a loomer he shouldn't eat?" he demanded. "It's basic monster biology, looming requires plenty of protein, just to have the energy to pull off the scare. And that's on top of the standard nutritional intake EVERY monster needs to survive, particularly the young ones, whose calorie needs are even higher."
Ickis looked uncomfortable. "But Zimbo kept saying how chubby I was. All the monsters were staring at me, laughing even. I hate that." Ickis whispered morosely.
"I doubt the Gromble was laughing when he saw you collapse in his classroom." the Doctor explained. "Who do you think cancelled a lecture and rang for your father to come here?"
"I was gonna say 'Oblina' but the Gromble -would- be my second guess." allowed Ickis.
Slickis hurried across the Academy Halls. He usually didn't come here unless he was scheduled to do his once-a-decade guest lecture, or if his son was participating in some athletic contest. They'd had alot of consolatory phlegmonades together over the years. Slickis tended to avoid the Gromble's Parent-Teacher Conferences whenever possible, often signing up as a last-minute entry for the nearest sporting event. It was indirectly because of Ickis that he'd discovered how truly fantastic climbing the Himalayas could be, not to mention those excellent snorkeling expeditions over the Great Barrier Reef. But the Gromble had sounded very concerned this time, and from what he could gather, Ickis was in serious trouble through no fault of his own. He passed Krumm and Oblina in the hallway, no doubt they were also intent on visiting Ickis.
"Slickis, you must talk to him! Rumors have been flying all day, we heard that Ickis has been listening to ZIMBO, of all monsters! He's gone so far as to throw up after meals!" Oblina nervously explained.
Slickis was frozen in shock. "How could he do that? Pies are very filling." Slickis insisted.
"Zimbo has him convinced fat monsters are not very appealing." Oblina looked downcast. "I assure you, Slickis, we have never believed in such nonsense! He's a perfectly normal weight ordinarily. It's his personality that keeps turning us off, more than his appearance." she argued.
Slickis scowled. There was no way he was letting this go unchallenged. He could hear that little brat Zimbo hovering nearby, probly he was even arrogant enough to believe he could slip through unnoticed. But Slickis' family had always been talented eavesdroppers (although it was a skill he tended to downplay). "Excuse me. You're Zimbo, right? The one who always bullies my son? I should've recognized YOU right away, you have your mother's wings." Here Slickis loomed to an impressive height, picked up Zimbo and squeezed him tight. "Wouldn't it be a shame to lose them, permanently." he hissed, with dripping fangs.
Zimbo's eyes popped out. "You wouldn't dare! The other monsters always say you have talent but you're also... nice." he protested.
"Didn't they ever teach you, beware the nice ones?" Slickis snarled. "Don't mess with MY boy. You might not care when it's a hazard to his health, but I gar-on-tee you will care once it affects yours. GET LOST." He flung Zimbo across the hall, and the winged monster ackwardly fluttered away. Slickis shrunk back down, and reflexively stretched his claws behind his back. "Oh, that reminds me of my Academy Days. Good times. Is anyone else hungry? I should take Ickis out to lunch. Slime pies on me!" he announced grandly.
Oblina and Krumm exchanged glances. "Ickis wasn't kidding all those times he said his father was readying for a big loom." Krumm noted with awe. Oblina nodded in approval.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: I've always considered Slickis to be a very good monster daddy. (Just don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.) He's rather laid-back and tends to let Ickis fight his own battles, but I think that if Ickis were ever truly in danger he would NOT hesitate to stand up for his son. Zimbo is honestly very dumb to keep picking on monsters who could destroy him if pushed too far. Since Zimbo is not the type to ever reflect on his behavior or make amends, I'm sure the threat of Slickis in Full Loom only discouraged him temporarily, giving Ickis roughly a week or two of peace.