Yuuki...

Was it a bad thing that I always wondered what you were thinking?
Or that I cared so deeply about how you could see right into my soul when you looked at me?

Was it me that drew you closer?
Or was it how I painted myself into this life?

Into your life.

Nevertheless, your life is no longer a part of mine.

And my life has fallen into oblivion.

My happiness has been all but obliterated. The serenity that used to fill up the very soul you used to so easily see through has been destroyed, leaving nothing but a void in its place. A void that exhausts my sanity every waking moment, and most latent ones as well.

I am never at peace with myself.

There are too many memories of you. Every where I look, I see something to remind me of you. Whenever I close my eyes, I see your face; your kind, caring eyes, staring into the depths of my soul once again. Filling the void in my heart for a moment.

And in that one moment, I feel your gentle hands on my cheek; I see the soft smile you give to me; I feel the warmth of your hand in mine as you grab a hold of it. I feel the care of your embrace as you pull me close to you in an attempt to make me feel better.

You always could.

And I see the love in your vibrant eyes again; the love you held personally for me.

Though short, that one single moment is all it takes to break me down into absolutely nothing. To force me into the harsh reality of what you have really truly become.

No longer are you the innocent girl I loved more then my own parents.

No longer are you the one person I knew I could count on.

No longer are you the girl who protected me against anything and everything; who stood up for me; who would have given her life to save mine.

No longer are you any of those things. You are but a grotesque beast now. The monster that I hate.

"Even if you hate it, or if you hate me, or whatever happens...
I will silence the beast within you. You aren't a Level E! How could I let you die?!
It's okay if you hate vampires, or even if you hate me! At least that isn't giving up!"

You said those words to me; words filled with so much emotion. You held on to your beliefs with the firmest of grips.

I admired that about you, Yuuki.

You were always so selfless. Even though I had become a bloodthirsty monster, and I couldn't keep dormant the me who wanted your blood, you still cared for me as if I wasn't some abomination. You still wanted to do everything in your power and more to protect me and to keep me healthy.

Even willingly giving me your blood.

"There's no way I could hate you.."

I replied with those very words. I told you that I could never hate you. I had meant it...then.

Does that make me a hypocrite now? Because when you were human I loved you more then you could possibly begin to comprehend, yet when you mutated into the pure blood princess you are today, my opinion veered completely?

Because you were always the pure blood princess, Yuuki Kuran, and when that truth came to light, just because you had morphed into the one thing I hate the very most, then my sentiments of you had been compromised?

Because I am the very thing I despise most about you?

Because though you were still Yuuki Cross, the Yuuki Cross that I knew and loved, then and probably even now, I still have to push forward with my notion that you are nothing anymore?

Because I always knew nothing about you had ever really changed...

Does that make me a hypocrite?

It has been some time now, and I made a promise to kill you, as you once made a promise to kill me. However, now, I don't foresee that happening. But could I really kill you Yuuki? Would I truly be able to end the life of the only person I had ever romantically loved? The only person I had in my life for so long that really gave their all for me?

Tell me, can one love a person with their entire being, yet hate who they are just as equally?

Tell me, Yuuki because really I need to know!

Because if its impossible to love someone with your whole heart, love so purely, and hate that same person to the same degree, with the same heart, turning it the darkest of black, then I know my feelings of contempt for you have to be false.

That my background as a vampire hunter has obscured my view of you, and led me to this false hatred.

That the envy I felt -- feel -- for the intimacy you and Kuran shared only added fuel to the fire.

Because, Yuuki, I love you so much that it hurts!

...Am I even able to make excuses for myself now Yuuki? Am I too late to fight for you? Am I too late to hold you in my arms, to tell you what I wanted to tell you for years? Am I too late to claim you as my own?

Am I too late?

Is it wrong of me to consider those things now? Is it wrong of me to even be writing to you now?

Is it completely wrong of me to still love you as much now as I did then?

...Was it a bad thing that I always wondered what you were thinking?

...Or that I cared so deeply about how you could see right into my soul when you looked at me?

...Was it me that drew you closer?

...Or was it how I painted myself into this life?

...Into your life...

...Either way, it's the things that I've done that have pushed you away.

Until The Day I Die,

Zero.

Zero left the letter, folded neatly, on his desk, and walked out of his dorm room to clear his mind, thoughts of Yuuki still fresh in his thoughts. He never intended to send the letter he'd just written, but it did help a little for him to vent. Not that he could send it if he wanted to. He had no idea where Yuuki even was. The Chairman probably did, but he wouldn't tell Zero in fear of losing his Yuuki. He never bothered to ask him anyway...in fear of losing Yuuki by his own hand.

Zero cleared the school building just as the sun was coming up. He'd skip out on classes today. It wasn't the same anymore anyway. And he desperately needed some time away from the familiarity of the place and all of the memories it brought forth. As he reached the tree line, he glanced behind him to be sure no one was watching. Satisfied that he was free of prying eyes, he began a mad dash through the forest, allowing the cool morning breeze to numb the pain he still hadn't grown accustomed to.

Today was one year exactly. One year since she'd been gone. She hadn't shown her face at all, not even to Chairman Cross. I was sure of that. If she'd come around, I would have known. Not to mention, the Chairman probably would have told me anyway.

What would I do if I saw her now? What would I say to her? What could I say to her? Would she ignore me blissfully? Would she talk to me? Would she even look at me? ...Would she still have the same love in her eyes when she looked at me, as she did before?

Zero assumed she would, but he also knew assuming only led to bad endings. And assuming only gets you hurt. Assuming is a round about way of getting your hopes up, only to be let down in most cases. Assuming is painful, so Zero refused to assume. He settled with indifference instead, but he knew deep down that a flicker of hope had already started to burst into a flame in his heart. Hope that she still had that same kindness in her touch and her smile. The same love in her eyes.

Hope that one day he'd get to see her again.

Hope that it wasn't too late.

By the time Zero returned to Cross Academy grounds, classes were already half finished, so he decided to go back to his room instead. His worries and heart ache, yet to be forgotten, were at least some what tamed for the moment. But Zero didn't know just what he was in for.

He reached his door and entered his room, walking immediately over to his desk to re-read the letter he'd written to Yuuki. However, to his great horror, the letter was gone. In it's place was another letter which simply said:

'Zero, it's been taken care of.

-Dad.'

Zero never called him Dad, but without Yuuki around, Cross had been feeling a loss too, so he let it slide when he acted like a fool. Although, this was pushing it a bit too far. Chairman Cross really had no right to come into Zero's room and read his private letter. Those were his deepest feelings, written down on paper.

I guess it's my fault for leaving it out...still, he had no right.

Re-reading the Chairman's note, reality slapped him in the face.

What does he mean 'it's been taken care of.' Where is my letter?!

With that realization, Zero stormed out of his room in search for the man whom had become his father figure over the years. And oh did he have an ear full to give that father figure of his.

Zero finally found Chairman Cross in his office, behind his desk, sitting comfortably in his chair, a smug smile on his face.

"Chairman, what did you do?" Zero demanded, staring him right in the eye.

"Why Zero, whatever do you mean?" The Chairman feigned innocence.

"You know exactly what I mean! Where is my letter? What did you do with it?"

"Letter?"

The Chairman looked at him with a false confusion for a moment, before he allowed his features to change to those of realization.

"Oh! Letter! That letter!"

"Yes, that letter. Now give it to me."

"Oh...I'm afraid I can't do that." The Chairman faked a pout.

Zero blanched, his eyes widening at the Chairman's reply. "And why not?"

"Well...you see...letter's are meant to be mailed are they not?"

"You didn't..." Zero begged.

The Chairman held strong to his mask of false guilt.

"You did..." Zero brought both of his hands to his face and held his head in them, trying desperately to figure out what this means.

"Why?" Zero asked, finally.

"Zero..." The Chairman was serious now, and Zero lifted his head from his hands to look into his eyes once more. "She needs to know how you--"

"She drank my blood! She already knows how I feel!" Zero choked out. He didn't want to admit that she left him even after knowing the extent of his feelings for her.

"She needs to hear it from you, Zero. And rather or not you decide to tell her, that letter you wrote was beautiful."

"Yeah, about that." Zero said, malice clear in his voice. "What gave you the right to read it in the first place?"

The Chairman plastered his mask of hurt on his face, but Zero wasn't buying it. He knew there was something up the Chairman's sleeve, he just had to figure out what it was.

"Sorry about that...it was just so tempting. To know your true thoughts..." The Chairman said dreamily. He truly was a character. An odd one at that. "Anyway, that's not the point." He announced, tone serious once again. "The point is that your letter...It was bitter sweet. It was honest, and I know my Yuuki will appreciate it."

"And maybe...it will get her to come visit me!!" He blurted out cheerily as an afterthought.

So that was his plan?

Zero couldn't help it when the anger dissipated and was replaced with the same joy the Chairman was feeling. He too wanted Yuuki to come visit, even if he only got a glance at her, he'd take that over nothing at all. He would never admit it to the Chairman, but he was glad that he'd stolen his letter and sent it off. He never would have had the courage to do that himself.

Nodding, Zero turned and left the Chairman's office, heading back to his room to day dream of what it would be like to see Yuuki once again.