The Engagement

The little control I had left over my life was gone.

A strange thumping noise resonated around the room, was I the only person hearing this? What was that?

It blocked out all of the words Father was still speaking to the room at large, only his mouth moved strangely, out of tune with the rhythmic thumping. The tempo was increasing but my own dry mouth was still clamped shut. Only when the thumping began drumming my throat did I realize what it was, my heart was pounding loudly throughout my body, almost like it was snaking its way up from my chest. Air felt tight in my lungs, the room full of plastered smiles and shining faces began to grow hazy in front of me, but I couldn't allow myself to faint away now. I was to be married… I should be happy, not on the brink of a breakdown.

Gasping like a fish out of water, Father turned his head towards me his eyes cutting daggers into mine. The phrase "if looks could kill" passed throughout my mind. Only his eyes met mine over the oriental fan I held to my face during the whole evening, his message clear.

So as always, I smiled.

I blinked back the wetness in my eyes and I smiled politely, like a proper young lady would. Folding the fan back into itself, it shut with a clasp that silenced the room. Everyone turned to see the blushing bride to be, what the jewel of the town would say to finally becoming engaged.

"Shit"

"I am only a worthless daughter, a liability to my father for all my life. I am honored to marry off to the worthy Hitoshi family of Osaka". The royal green rug of fine quality was plush to my touch as I bowed down as low as I could.

Everyone clapped loudly, their happy voices filling up the room, surrounding me uncomfortably as they came closer to pass on their individual congratulations. I bowed my thank yous to them until Father beckoned me over to his side.

"Come."

My future father in law stood next to him, he was tall and handsome with a smooth but mature look to him, his petite wife shadowed him. Her small beady brown eyes roved over me behind her own silk fan. Where before I would have blushed crimson, insecure of myself in front of such magnitude of people, I only bowed lowly again.

"It is an honor to have your family in our own humble abode" Father spoke in a cheery pleasant voice I had long realized was only for guests.

"Your daughter is indeed very lovely, modest and obedient, a perfect match for our son. We shall be in contact very soon of an official wedding date"

I blanched, so I was supposed to be something of an inanimate object to this young man I knew nothing of. I could feel my pulse rising again, the blood surging to my head as I stood on too small feet. I could have been imagining the almost smug smile that played in the beady eyes of , her face the only thing focused in a long black tunnel…

"Come girl"

Father's strong hands pulled me out of my spell, as he guided me none to gently outside to send off the guests.

"You'd better get that look off your face girl don't you understand the justice I just did for you" Father mumbled from the side of his mouth, a masklike smile still playing on his chiseled features as he waved cheerily goodbye to my future in laws, but the special malice he always reserved for me was apparent in his voice.

My hand didn't feel like my own as I raised it slowly, daintily I waved, yet another etiquette skill drilled into me from the time my father realized just how much of a burden I was to him and I was handed over to the sisterhood. One of the many groups that cultivated me as though I was as piece of pottery clay. For one startling second my mouth opened, a spurt of angry words seemed to burn my tongue.

Father turned briskly as the last of the guests cleared the front gates and I trailed his heels back into the once beautiful home we owned. Like father himself; it was once a place of great beauty and magnitude, the walls decorated with silk tapestries, and hallways filled with vases from his travels to India and China, father was renowned as one of the wealthiest traders in our city. Once mother died a few years after my birth though, father seemed to lose himself and the business slipped downhill. I knew my engagement to young master Hitoshi was for no better reason to bring father back to his previous social standing. He and this house itself were only empty shells to what they once were.

"I don't want to marry him. This isn't fair." I stopped suddenly, my fist clenched at my sides I knew my nails would surely leave red, crescent shaped marks onto my palm. But I didn't care, all I could feel was a pulsing anger throughout my body, looking around at the shameful remains of what my father's gambling and drinking had caused only infuriated me more.

"Wha-what did you say girl" Father spun around, his back ridged. The incredulous look startled me, but almost unconsciously a slew of words fell out.

"You don't care about me, you never did and I know you blamed me for mother's death…but I was only a child, you were supposed to care for me…for her. But you were caught up with the value of objects you forgot the value of people. I don't want to pay for your redemption Father. I'm not marrying him"

I didn't have time to sense or really comprehend Father's broad calloused hand until I received the sharp pain to my left cheek. I stumbled back against the wall as he advanced closer to me, his eyes blazing and his nostrils flaring. My mind reeled to the images of the bulls we had when I was younger, the look they had when they went mad.

"What a disgraceful insolent daughter God has cursed me with…you shame me Asami. Leave my sight immediately. I do not wish to see you until the day you are welcomed by the Hitoshi family."

Lowering my eyes, my spitfire melted slowly only leaving a bitter emptiness inside of me. Keeping my head down, and holding onto my throbbing left cheek I inched off the wall and past Father's towering frame, my trembling feet taking me slowly down to my room.

The tears began falling down my face like rain droplets, washing away all the horrid makeup I had worn for the evening. Falling in front of my mirror I slashed angrily at my face, wiping away all the remnants of the ruby red lips that covered my own pink ones, and brushing away the dark eye makeup which overbore on my own strange grey blue eyes…eyes like my mother's. Looking into the mirror I could see her face exactly, how she tilted her head to the right side slowly, a great sadness lay behind her eyes. The pale pink lips quivered with things left unsaid, as her slender fingers reached forward to brush the cold surface of the mirror.

"I miss you" her voice spoke quietly, filling up the room to which she could no longer enter.

Grabbing a piece of parchment and ink well I began to write;

Father, 19 years I have lived on this earth and for 14 I have not felt the warmth of your love. Mother was the candle to our lives and when her flame became extinguished so did yours. I have lived a lonely life as an only child and after tonight I'm sorry but I cannot continue on here. I wish to see my mother again so please…don't look for me. I am going somewhere I will not be able to return.

~ Your insolent daughter, Asami.