I felt like I was dying…
No, I felt like I was dead.
Not in a physical sense, but mental; like some part of me faded away, gone forever.
I was faced with a challenge- to make a choice.
Was it the right one, or did I make a mistake?
It's one of those choices that you wonder about,
And if your life would have been better if you made the other choice.
Then more choices came- some I knew were the wrong ones.
Those mistakes I continue to make.
That's when a part of me began to fade… going… going…
Until it was gone… forgotten.
My hopes, my dreams, my goals… they were pushed aside as I made the struggle,
Taking a route that I thought temporary until I could get on the path I was heading for originally,
Yet I didn't know that route lead me farther away from where I was intending to go.
I became lost.
Things began to grow dark in my world of dreams.
You know, those 'fantasy worlds' that we all have, which gives us a break from reality…
Mine soon became reality.
No, I don't mean my 'dream-world' came to life, but became infected by the troubles of the real world.
Imaginary adventures about being a hero soon became mental-stories about someone in need of help…
Help.
That's the word that echoed in the back of my mind, but was smothered into silence by worse thoughts that came later.
Thoughts so dark, I cannot mention.
I began to doubt myself.
My ambition dropped…
I felt dead.
Trapped in darkness.
I felt like it was time to die for real…
To end these thoughts, forget my dreams, and leave this messed-up world,
For good.
Until…
Could it be…?
Something shined ahead…
A light?
Impossible, I was lost in the dark… how could there be a light this far deep?
It continued to glow… becoming brighter and brighter…
I began to hear voices.
No, not the kind you'd hear when you're going crazy and need to be thrown into a straight jacket.
The kind someone so deep in depression wanted to hear-
The kind I needed to hear.
Voices of encouragement, of understanding, of compassion, of kindness,
Followed by contagious laughter, not of mocking, but of pure joy and enthusiasm…
Voices of friends.
The light continued to shine as I listened to my friends,
Remembering my dreams, my hopes, my goal… my mission.
My mission to share the laughter and help lift spirits.
Because I knew what it was like to be depressed, to need laughter, to smile…
My inspiration returned, and my ambition grew.
That's what helped me find my gift.
The world is messed up- people caring about sex and blood for entertainment,
Or drugs to feel good,
Or causing misery for kicks, or to feel superior…
A world where people like to scare others, or hurt others, just for their own amusement.
We're in a world filled with tears of pain and fear…
And constant depression.
I want to make others laugh.
I want to share stories to give them a break from reality,
And take them on journeys, where there'll be a happy ending.
Because we need more happy endings.
And beginnings.
This light I've found within… I want to share it, so everyone can feel its warmth,
And ignite the lights within themselves,
And cancel out the darkness of the world forever!
Someday…
Someday that Light will be shining bright, and the darkness will disappear.
This Light gives me hope.
It lead me out of the darkness,
Towards friends,
And back on the path I was heading.
I may stray from the path again.
I'll continue to make mistakes.
I'll get depressed again…
But, when it happens, I know there will be a light to guide me,
And bring me back to life.
Jesus, you are my Light,
And I forever thank you for your guidance, your forgiveness, your sacrifice…
The hope, faith, love, comfort, healing and protection you've given to me…
The friends and family you've blessed me with…
And keeping the darkness away.
~To Lori, Matt, and Edwin. God bless.~