Pinkie Pie Doesn't Like My Fanfiction
Author's Notes: Just to be clear, everything italicized is my part of the conversation with Pinkie Pie and descriptions of her interactions with me.
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining. The weather Pegasi had cleared away the few clouds there were. Enjoying this lovely day was none other than everypony's favorite party pony Pinkie Pie. She was trotting through the street humming some tune to herself.
"Sure is a nice day." She said to herself. She suddenly had a perplexed look on her face. She looked around confused and stopped.
"Where is that coming from?" She said to herself again. "There it is again! Somepony's describing everything I'm doing!... Hmmm. Suddenly stopped."
…
Are you talking about me?
"Yeah, you!" She cried. "Where are you? I don't see anypony anywhere."
This is odd. This may be difficult to explain. Well, first you're a character on a cartoon…
"Yeah, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Saturday's 10:30 AM only on The Hub." Pinkie stated matter-of-factly.
You know about that?
"Of course, I'm Pinkie Pie."
Okay. Well, I'm one of those Bronies.
"Cool. I love Bronies."
Wow, that's wonderful to hear…from one of you guys especially. You can call me Mariusioannesp. And this is my My Little Pony fanfiction.
"Ooh, a fanfiction!" Pinkie began hopping excitedly. "I love fanfictions! What's it about?"
You'll see when you get to it.
"No, I can't wait. Tell me now. Tell me, tell me, tell me!"
Oh, I can't say no to you Pinkie Pie. It's kind of a slice of life kind of thing. You hang out with your friends, throw a party, have fun, and learn a valuable lesson about friendship.
Pinkie Pie thought for a second and rubbed her chin with her hoof.
"With all due respect, that sounds kind of dull."
Dull? That's not very friendly.
"I mean can't something exciting happen? Aren't the best episodes of My Little Pony the ones where they go on an adventure?"
You know you're right. Okay…Discord gets released…
"Discord!?" Pinkie replied almost aghast. "Isn't he kind of played out by now?"
Played out? Discord is the best villain on the show! He's John De Lancie! Q!
"You've never seen an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation with Q in it," Pinkie responded matter-of-factly while looking to her right in I guess my direction and pointing an accusatory hoof at me. "You only know him from one episode of Season Six of Stargate: SG-1…and that episode of MacGyver."
Well, excuse me for being a Richard Dean Anderson fan…Wait a minute! How do you know that anyway?
"I'm Pinkie Pie."
Ooookay.
"Do something with King Sombra. It'll be different, and he's super creepy." She shuddered in feigned fear. "Ooooh."
Well, we don't know much about King Sombra yet.
"It doesn't matter. It's a fanfiction. Make stuff up." She shrugged.
Well I don't want to inadvertently contradict the canon.
"Wow, you're pretty lame."
…
Pinkie seemed to regret what she just said.
"I mean that in the nicest possible way though. I just mean be free. Live a little."
Well, excuse me if I like to hew close to the canon.
"Well just because you like to stay close to the show doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a box." Pinkie stated. She framed her face with her hooves. "Think outside the box."
….
Alright…I'll think outside the box.
Pinkie pumped her hoof.
"That's the spirit!"
Applejack trotted up to Pinkie Pie from ahead of her.
"Ooh, Applejack's here! This should be fun." Pinkie said to me.
Oh, it'll be fun alright….
"Howdy, Pinkie Pie! How're you're doing this fine day?" Applejack greeted.
"Super duper, Applejack!" Pinkie hopped in excitement. "Do you have something fun to do today? Do you want to do something fun?"
"In fact I do, Pinkie," Applejack answered. "Apple Family Reunion is coming up and we're cooking up a storm. I was wondering if you could lend us your baking expertise."
"Ooh, I'd love to Applejack!" Pinkie replied excitedly.
"And after you've finished helping us with that, you and I could head over to the barn…" Applejack suddenly looked at Pinkie sensually. Pinkie was unfazed by Applejack's change in demeanor. She then said seductively. "And have a little roll in the hay." Pinkie hopped animatedly.
"Rolling in hay! I love rolling in hay! Rolling in hay is my favorite!"
"No, Pinkie," Applejack corrected, "I mean a little hanky-panky." Pinkie Pie calmed herself and stared at Applejack dumbfounded. "Filly-fooling," Pinkie Pie continued to stare at her blankly. "Fooling around," she tried, but was met by the same blank stare. "Have sex, Pinkie. I want to have sex with you in my barn." Now, Pinkie understood what she meant.
"Wait what?!" Pinkie cried in shock.
How's that for outside the box?
"That's disgusting!" Pinkie shrieked towards me. Applejack looked at the ground shamefully. She was hurt. Guess she can't hear me.
"I would have just taken a 'no'," Applejack replied. "I was just trying to be honest about these very strong feelings I have been feeling for you for awhile now. You didn't have to be so rude about it." Pinkie looked at Applejack.
"I'm sorry, AJ" Pinkie responded apologetically. "But that wasn't meant for you. I was saying it to that guy." She pointed apparently towards me with her hoof. Applejack looked up at Pinkie Pie and then looked around them. She didn't see anypony. She turned to Pinkie confused.
"Who?" Applejack inquired.
"That guy who's writing this stupid fanfiction," Pinkie answered. "We're in a fanfiction."
"Fan what now?" Applejack asked confused.
Oh, so my fanfiction's stupid now.
Pinkie Pie looked away and turned towards me.
"You know you're not being very mature." Pinkie stated bluntly to me.
Says the little girls' cartoon pony!
"Says the grown man who watches a little girls' cartoon pony!" Pinkie yelled. "And then writes stories about said cartoon pony having sex with another cartoon pony!"
That's mature in one sense of the word.
Applejack was becoming a bit disturbed by Pinkie's raving at nopony. She guessed it was just Pinkie being Pinkie, but she wasn't too sure at this point.
"Well, I'm going to head back now," Applejack stated. "Forget everything I said. I'll see you later." Applejack turned and walked away in the direction she had come.
You know you're right that should have gone differently. Let's try that again.
"I'm watching you," Pinkie eyed me suspiciously while pointing her hoof at her eyes and then at me, just like in Meet the Parents.
Okie Dokie Lokie.
"That's my line!"
Hush!
Then, Rainbow Dash landed behind Pinkie Pie.
"Hi Pinkie," Rainbow greeted her while waving her hoof at her. Pinkie jumped into to the air, spun around rapidly a few times like a little tornado, and landed facing Rainbow Dash.
"Hi Dashie!" Pinkie excitedly greeted her back. "Do you have something fun to do today? Do you want to do something fun?"
"In fact, I do," Rainbow responded coolly. "I was thinking we could go down to the swimming hole and go swimming."
"I'd love to, Dashie!" Pinkie began hopping around in excitement.
"Then afterwards we can do it," Rainbow added bluntly. Pinkie stopped hopping. She looked intently at Rainbow Dash.
"'Do it' as in…have sex?" Rainbow Dash nodded. Pinkie turned towards me again. "This is what you mean by 'differently'."
Eeyup.
"Don't you Big McIntosh me!" Pinkie cried. Rainbow Dash was understandably confounded by Pinkie's exchange with me whom she can't hear.
"Pinkie, what are you talking about?" Rainbow Dash questioned.
"I'm talking to this moron writing this fanfiction we're in," Pinkie answered.
So, I'm a moron now.
"I didn't mean you're a moron," Pinkie corrected somewhat apologetically. "I meant you're acting like a moron."
…..
Suddenly, Applejack reappeared behind Pinkie.
"What are you doing?" Pinkie asked me, somewhat nervous.
"Howdy, y'all," Applejack began, "I heard what y'all are going to be up to at the swimming hole, and I was thinking that instead you'd like to have a three-way with me in my barn." Rainbow Dash's wings popped up stiffly.
"Awesome! I'm so totally there," Rainbow Dash answered while pumping her hoof in the air. "Best. Day. Ever."
"What is wrong with you?" Pinkie asked me.
You're not the first to have asked me that and probably won't be the last. You should count yourself lucky. I could have had you propositioned by a human or even making out with one like in that Human Elements of Harmony story by what's-his-name nygiants93 on FanFiction-dot-net. That would just be weird. Not a bad story by the way despite that. You're the one who told me to think outside the box.
"I didn't mean anything like this obviously."
Well, what did you mean?
"I know!" Pinkie suddenly produced a large cardboard box seemingly out of nowhere. She jumped inside it and closed it over herself. "You can write your own version of My Little Dashie starring me. You can call it My Little Pinkie!" The box abruptly flew open, and Pinkie popped out with her forelegs in the air. "Who's my daddy? You are!"
That sounds kind of dirty. Tee hee.
An equally shocked and embarrassed expression covered Pinkie's face, and she covered her front side with her forelegs as if to cover up her nudity, which was weird because technically she was always nude as she was a pony.
"Oh Celestia! Now you have me doing it!"
There you go again. Ha ha ha.
Pinkie quickly covered her mouth with her hooves.
Ha ha ha.
"It's not funny!" She said after removing her hooves from her mouth.
Any who, do you really think me that presumptuous to believe that I could write a story of equal caliber as My Little Dashie, probably the greatest My Little Pony fanfiction ever written? Do I really seem that full of it to you?
"You're definitely full of something," Pinkie scoffed sarcastically.
That's not a bad idea though, my take on a famous fanfiction. How about we do my own version of Cupcakes?
"What?!" Pinkie cried in horror. "No!"
What many did not know was that beneath the bright and cheery Sugarcube Corner was a dark and dank dungeon. In this dungeon, there stood an inclined table that an unfortunate Pegasus found herself strapped down onto. That Pegasus was Rainbow Dash, quaking in terror. Her eyes darted about the shadows, nothing but fear in them. She was gagged by a cupcake that had a very strange but slightly familiar taste. It tasted almost like Applejack's flesh.
Out of the shadows before Rainbow emerged her friend Pinkie Pie. However, at this moment Pinkie was no longer the friend she knew and loved. Pinkie had an uncharacteristic deranged look in her eyes. Her normally puffy mane hung limply about her head. She wore a strange cloak. It was covered in cutie marks and Pegasus wings. Rainbow's heart pounded in her chest. She feared finding out where Pinkie got those Pegasus wings. Worst of all, Pinkie clutched a knife in her hoof. She walked right up to Rainbow Dash, and a psychotic slasher smile broke across her face.
"Time to make cupcakes!" Pinkie insanely cried.
Mwuahahaha! Mine is an evil laugh!
Suddenly, Pinkie's mane puffed up back to normal. Her deranged expression was soon replaced by a horrified one. She looked around and realized where she was. She looked at the knife in her hoof, screamed in horror, and chucked the knife into the surrounding shadows. She quickly tore off the winged cloaked and chucked it after the knife. She turned to face me.
"You are sick, you know that?" Pinkie stated angrily, "Making me relive this horrible fanfiction again."
You're right. You should experience something different. How about my own version of Rainbow Factory?
Deep in the shadowy heart of the Cloudsdale Rainbow Factory Pinkie Pie stood. She wondered what she was doing there as she was an Earth Pony rather than a Pegasus. She looked up and saw a chain leading up to some strange machinery overhead.
Suddenly, out of the shadows before her lurked what she guessed was a Pegasus. This Pegasus was wearing a black cloak and a black gas mask on its muzzle. In its hoof, it clutched what looked like a cattle prod or a stun gun. It pointed it towards Pinkie Pie.
"I bet Earth Ponies will make beautiful rainbows," said the Pegasus in a voice that was unmistakably that of Rainbow Dash. Pinkie turned towards me again.
"You stop this right now!" Pinkie demanded angrily. "Put me back where we started!"
Alright fine!
Pinkie Pie stood in one of the streets of a bright, sunny Ponyville between the equally lusty Rainbow Dash and Applejack. They were both facing each other and Pinkie Pie from opposing sides. Pinkie stood between them and looked off in the distance ahead of her towards me apparently.
"You're too much of a wimp to have read either Cupcakes or Rainbow Factory," Pinkie stated accusingly.
Truth. I happen to like you and Rainbow Dash too much to have either Cupcakes or Rainbow Factory potentially ruin you guys for me. That's why I wanted you guys to hook-up….
"Shut it!" Pinkie cried. "You only know about Rainbow Factory because of Doctor Whooves Episode 9 by The 1597 Faceless Writer on FanFiction-dot-net! Also known as Doctor Perseus on FIMFiction-dot-net."
Oooh, I love that guy's Doctor Whooves series!
"Yeah, me too," Pinkie had to admit. By doing so, she became much calmer, and her anger subsided into an uneasy happiness. "I love it when I'm in them."
You don't have a problem with the implication in that series that Rainbow Dash and Applejack are going to get together in the future?
"Well, that's the kind of thing that would happen on Doctor Who and its spin-offs, and it's just as much a Doctor Who fanfiction as it is a My Little Pony one." Pinkie explained. "And besides, that guy isn't a hack like you apparently are." She said the last part with an edge of anger in her voice.
Truth. I hope Jack Harkness appears in that series. Wait…
A light blue Pegasus stallion began to approach from Pinkie's right. His mane and tail were brown. His tail was a bit longer than a typical stallion's tail. He appeared to be wearing a long, dark blue greatcoat. His cutie mark was still visible though. It was a rainbow colored hourglass. He had a strange device strapped to his foreleg. Pinkie didn't know it, but it was called a vortex manipulator. He strode towards Pinkie with a confident swagger and a dashing, flirtatious smile on his muzzle.
"Hey there, cutie pie," he began. "I'm looking for a pony who calls himself the Doctor. He travels in a blue box. Have you seen him?" Pinkie couldn't help blushing. She turned to me.
"Who's this?" She tried to be stern but couldn't quite suppress the smile from this mysterious stallion's dashingness.
"You can call me Captain Jack," the stallion now known as Jack said with a flourish and a bow. "What may I call you?" Pinkie turned to face him. 'Wow, he's really handsome', she thought.
"Hi, I-I'm Pinkie Pie," Pinkie said stuttering slightly and in a much more reserved fashion than she's normally known for. She was trying hard to contain the flirty giggle fit this stallion was generating within her.
"Well, Miss Pinkie Pie, I'm here to find the Doctor, but I'm really glad I found you. You're pretty cute." Jack approached Pinkie until he was standing before her in all his dashing glory. Now, Pinkie could smell his overpowering musk, more musky than any stallion she had ever encountered. 'He smells soooooooo good', she thought. She just wallowed sleepily in his scent. Her heart was pounding, and her Pinkie sense was tingling in a much different place than usual….
"Perhaps we could continue our conversation somewhere more private," Jack offered, every word dripping with his natural sensuality. Pinkie couldn't say anything. She just nodded dumbly, a coy smile plastered on her face. Suddenly, her eyes shot open. She turned towards me.
"What is this?" Pinkie inquired.
Writing a My Little Pony fanfiction with Jack Harkness in it. I've always wanted to see how you guys would react if you met him. And you reacted just as I imagined you would.
"You don't even watch Torchwood because you think it's too weird," Pinkie noted accusingly.
I've seen Jack on Doctor Who. There's not much you need to know about Jack, just that he's dashing, he's charming, and he'll bed anything that moves. He wouldn't have any problem seducing a pony. And from what I've seen just now, he's clearly good at it. He's pretty cool.
"You seem to be rather fond of Jack Harkness," Pinkie said suspiciously.
Well…He's an interesting and amusing character.
"Sure you don't have a gay crush on him?"
….
No.
"I mean look at the evidence," Pinkie began to pace to her right. "You had Applejack try to seduce me. You had Rainbow Dash try to seduce me. Then, you had a pony version of Jack Harkness show up out of nowhere to seduce me. On top of that, Jack Harkness is like science fiction's poster boy for bi-curiosity." She stopped pacing, turned towards me, and pointed an accusatory hoof at me. "You have latent homosexual tendencies."
...
Shut up!
"Or maybe it's deeper than that," she continued suspiciously, "Perhaps you just like to imagine ponies doing it! Is that how you get your sick kicks?"
Now that is just uncalled for!
"Oh, look at me shake my plot! Does this turn you on?"
I'm not even going to dignify that with a description.
"You're little story is out of control!" Pinkie yelled.
At that moment, the sound of clapping erupted out of nowhere. Pinkie looked off to the side, and there stood none other than Discord, the embodiment of chaos itself. He strode up to Pinkie Pie, continuing to clap.
"My, you've generated a great deal of chaos on what you'd consider a nice day," Discord began slyly. "I just call it dull. Thank you Pinkie Pie for livening things up enough for me to break free once more. I know how much you like it when I make it rain chocolate." Discord then unleashed a boisterous cackle.
See, I still managed to work Discord into my story. Ha!
"There's no point for him being here," Pinkie said to me.
You're right. That's just to show you that I can do whatever I want. I am the Auteur. I am in control. Whatever I decide to do is right despite what you may think.
"Oh yeah!"
Yeah. Like this.
Princess Celestia then landed before Pinkie Pie. She along with all the other ponies, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Jack Harkness, bowed before her. Discord just smugly stood off to the side filing the claws on his lion paw with a nail file.
"Hello, my little ponies, I was just looking for Pinkie Pie," Celestia stated majestically. "I require a favor from her."
"What do you need Princess," Pinkie stated. "You know I'm willing to do anything for you."
"Anything?" Celestia cocked one of her eyebrows and smiled to herself. "That's good to hear. I need you to plan a party for me."
"Do you need me to plan the Grand Galloping Gala?!" Pinkie began to hop excitedly. "I could make as super duper fun as dreamed it would be that last time I went!"
"I do need you to plan a party, but…" Celestia then wrapped her foreleg around Pinkie Pie. She continued. "It's more of a private party. Just you and me and…" She whispered something in Pinkie's ear, something far too inappropriate for somepony of the Princess's status to say out loud. Pinkie's eyes almost burst out of her skull.
All hail Princess Molestia!
Pinkie extricated herself from the Princess's grasp and then sauntered up to me with an expression of pure rage painted on her face.
"Alright, that is enough!" Pinkie roared.
Now wait just a minute…!
"Shove it! How dare you do something like this! I mean this is a children's show! I know adults like it, but that doesn't give you or anypony else license to turn us into smut! I mean even you admit that you like the show because it's more wholesome than even other children's shows out there like Adventure Time or stuff on the Disney Channel! And this is what you do with us! Ignore the one thing you like most about us to get some kind of sick, twisted satisfaction! You're nothing but a hack like all those other fanfiction writers! You have no real talent so instead you just take refuge in the gutter and scrape the bottom of the barrel! Well, not again! I refuse to be your sick plaything! I refuse to let you use any of my friends as your sick playthings! Not anymore! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
….
…
…
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Pinkie added, still seething in rage.
…You're right.
"I thought that's what you'd say," she said angrily. Then she realized what I had said. "Wait, what?"
You're right. I should be ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself. I am just a talentless hack. Sniff…sniff…What am I even doing here? I can't write! Why did I ever think that I could? Sniff.
"Oh my gosh, are you crying?" Pinkie asked despondently.
Sniff….No!….Yes!….Boohoo…Boohoo…Boohoo….Boohoo! I've haven't felt this bad since I finished reading My Little Dashie! Boohoo…Boohoo….Boohoo!
There were tears welling Pinkie's eyes.
"Please don't cry," Pinkie said filled with regret. She was fighting back of her own tears. "Listen, I didn't mean it, any of it. It's just so frustrating all the bad fanfiction out there. I can't talk to any of my friends about it because they can't break the forth wall like I do. I know you're just trying to do your best. You're writing really isn't that bad. You just pick the wrong kind of subject matter."
Sniff….You think my writing isn't that bad?
"Yeah, you know, you just need to practice and get constructive criticism." Pinkie gave me a smile. Her smile just warms my heart. "I wish I could see you smile."
You'll just have to imagine it. I'm really sorry, Pinkie. I didn't mean this story to turn out the way it did. I'm so, so sorry. Pinkie giggled at the Doctor Who as well as Doctor Whooves reference.
"I'm sorry too," Pinkie responded apologetically. "I hope you can forgive me."
I can't stay mad at you Pinkie Pie. One thing still bothers me though. If you're so frustrated by all the bad fanfiction and stuff, why did you wait until my story to complain about it? I mean, did you complain when Sergeant Sprinkles wrote Cupcakes? Did you complain when Blaze wrote The Conversion Bureau? Although, I admit, I don't think The Conversion Bureau is as bad as most people say it is. Did you complain when whoever it was made the first Princess Molestia comic or whatever? This is the first anyone is hearing about this from you. That kind of makes you partially responsible for this as well.
Pinkie Pie appeared a bit flabbergasted.
"Do you seriously believe I've never complained before?" She asked slightly annoyed. "Of course, I complained, a lot more that I did at you. You're just the first pony to ever listen."
…
Whoa! I'm the first person to listen to you!
Pinkie Pie sadly hung her head low, her ears flat along the side of her head.
"Yeah, they get so hung up about being the Auteur or whatever….They just ignore me and do whatever stupid or horrible thing they want."
Ignore you! That's makes it doubly heinous. Pinkie, what you've shared with me today I will take to heart, and I will make sure it gets heard so you will not be ignored anymore. I will always consider you a friend for choosing to share it with me.
Pinkie instantly perked up, raised her head to face me, and smiled.
"I love making new friends," she said reserved but still with a hint of her characteristic infectious happiness.
I know. I think it's time we end this story the way it should, on a good note. Scratch that, an awesome note!
Pinkie Pie screeched as she was suddenly struck by lightning. She looked up and saw none other than Derpy Hooves hopping playfully on a thundercloud.
"Hey! Easy there Derpy," Pinkie cried up to the cross-eyed Pegasus.
"My bad. I just don't know what went wrong," Derpy responded apologetically.
"That's okay," Pinkie replied. "Come down here and give your friend a hug!" Derpy immediately flew down and as soon as her hooves hit the ground, Pinkie engulfed her in a bone-crushing hug. Derpy returned it with an equally bone-crushing hug.
"It feels like it's been so long since I've seen any of you," Derpy said.
"Me too," Pinkie replied. "I didn't realize how much I missed you."
I missed her too.
"That's why you wanted to put her in it before you ended the story," Pinkie said to me.
Eeyup. Pinkie giggled in joy.
"I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about friendship today," Celestia stated majestically.
"We sure have," said Twilight Sparkle as she suddenly almost out of nowhere sauntered up to the Princess. Pinkie finally released Derpy. She looked up at me.
"Hey, how come Twilight gets to do the friendship report?" Pinkie asked a bit indignantly.
'Cause she almost never does it on the show anymore. In fact, it's like she's almost never on the show anymore.
"I guess that's fair then," Pinkie answered though she didn't seem completely convinced.
"We learned that sometimes even personal projects can really be a group effort because of all the ponies it could end up effecting. You should try to listen respect the opinion of everypony involved, whether you like it or not, and even if it seems irrelevant. They'll just help keep you on track so you don't end up doing something you and everypony else is going to regret or feel ashamed of. It's all for your own good. In the end, it'll just help you be a better pony."
"Now that's a lesson I can get behind," Pinkie told me. "I guess we got to learn a valuable lesson about friendship after all."
That's all that really matters. I have you to thank for it.
"Oh it was nothing," Pinkie said modestly.
All good things must come to an end. I guess this is it. I've really enjoyed this time with you Pinkie.
"Me too. Goodbye Mariusioannesp," Pinkie said as she waved goodbye, "Until next time that is."
Goodbye Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie trotted away humming some tune to herself. She trotted towards the sunset. Her day had been productive. She learned just a little bit more about the magic of friendship that day, a magic that could even cross the boundaries of reality.
The End.
Author's Note: I've always wanted to write a story like this for a long time, where a character and the author engage in an argument. Due to Pinkie Pie's forth wall-breaking ability, I thought she'd be the perfect character to do it with without having to invent a new one. It also gave me a chance to comment on the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fandom.
"And, of course because you love me!"
Pinkie, what are you doing here? These are the Author's Notes.
"I just wanted to say one last thing to help my newest friend!"
Um…Thank you. Go ahead.
"Hey everypony! Pinkie Pie here. Just wanted to encourage you to leave a nice review with constructive criticism if need be. He really is a good writer, but he needs your help to be even better. So, remember love and tolerate. Bye! Great ending by the way!"
Thanks. I really appreciated that.
"And remember, even if nopony else likes this, you still have me."
Thanks…I'll remember that.
"See you next time then."
See you. Also, in case you're wondering, everything Pinkie mentions about me in the story is in fact true. Okay, so I hope you all enjoyed my story. Please leave a review, and we'll see what comes next.