Even a Light Needs a Hero
The ride back to the bunker was silent after that conversation. It wasn't the companionable silence that usually happened. No, it was that near uncomfortable silence after hearing the worst possible things ever. And it occurred only because it was she was asleep. She pretended to be asleep but she heard every single word.
Angela lounged in the backseat of the Impala while Dean drove on and studied the backs of the boys' heads. This last job had them thinking about and facing their worst fears despite the fact that it had to do with a vengeful spirit. Her thoughts were not on her own fears but those of Sam's. It hadn't been an easy time for him since his vision of the Cage and then being stuck in an elevator with a clown… Her heart went out to him as she pushed aside her own fear and they were related in a way.
She made the choice then and there to follow Sam into the Cage. She was determined to save him then and still was. He was her world. And it was the one thing that she could and did accuse herself of being selfish about. She forsook her role as a protector to go and save him. No one accused her of being selfish. Rather those that knew her said she did the right thing. It was different from the good of the whole logic she used. And she had no regrets.
She also knew what it was like in the Cage. She had spent a year and an half in there evading direct torture, suffering direct torture both mental and physical and watching others suffer through it. Michael and Lucifer had no qualms about dealing out the pain. And her being the stubborn fool, she fought back.
She defended Sam and Adam when they came after them. She jumped in front to take the licks and dished it right back. She could remember what she had done. It was like the epic battles told in the old poems and stories like Odysseus and The Iliad. Nothing romantic in terms of the language but it was more like those old battles that high school students read and scoffed at because it involved the gods and goddesses. Little did they know how true it was on some level.
She knew Sam was scared. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. Dean knew that too. They had all been to hell, literally, and back. They knew what it was like and she could understand why Dean said to not poke the bear with Sam's vision. But she knew Sam too. She could feel his anxiety and it was potent. Much more now that she had been cured from her time in Purgatory. The weight had been taken off her shoulders and now she was feeling everything and it was magnified and to the point that it was like when she first discovered how overly sensitive her olfactory system was.
You're only as useful as needed to play your role in this. But if you live… it will never truly leave you.
Lucifer had said that to her when she had the unfortunate sense to be captured and restrained. He was going to play with her and he was making an exhausted Sam watch. The devil was warning her that she could fight but even if she got free, she would never be truly free of it. That was the one difference between him and Michael. Lucifer told the truth about what was going on. Michael preferred to gripe and punish. Funny how the 'evil' one was supposed to be the prince of lies but he held more truth in his words than a fricking angel.
The truth was… there were shades of grey. She knew that very well. The truth could be twisted into a lie and hell she had done it so many times. How many times had she lied even though the cover was as close to the truth as possible? Even Dean said she was capable of making a lie sound true. She was no better but in a twisted way, she was always honest about the situation that they were facing. She told it straight.
There are things my pretty that you don't know about but you are a part of. Old things… ancient things…
Lucifer told that to her during one session. It was more like a 'therapy' session. They were just talking. She was trying to figure out a way of getting out of it while carrying on a conversation with the devil. He decided to just talk to her before getting down to his normal business. It was something he did before he started in on her. It was almost normal and that was the most torturous of all.
You imprisoned me…
You are a part of. Old things… ancient things…
Her last confrontation with Darkness reminded her of her conversations with Lucifer. It had her wondering if he was warning her or leaving something to torture her with. In a way he knew what was going on since Darkness was imprisoned in the Mark and it had been placed upon Lucifer. If that was the case and if, and that was a big if, what Darkness said was true, then Lucifer knew it was her that basically caused him to fall.
He would have more than ample reason to torture her and even kill her. She made him into what he was. And yet, he never really did hurt her. When they were ankle deep in the Apocalypse, he never raised a blow against her. He always looked at her and spoke to her. He didn't like it when she interfered with his bonding moment with Sam but even then, when he was in Sam's body, he never really tried to hurt her. It had her baffled.
I could never hurt you my pretty. You are special and beautiful and so much more. If only you knew…
He was sad when he said that. She couldn't understand it and didn't understand it now. She would get it if he had resentment since he was stuck in a Cage and she lived her life topside as a mortal being reincarnated. This she didn't, which was why she didn't try to bring it up with Sam but instead took to being the comfort he needed even when he didn't voice it. She was compelled to and wanted to help her mate after everything he had done for her.
You've done the one thing that I wanted for you and that was to do something for yourself… I'm the selfish bastard…
Sam told her that and she knew it wasn't true. It broke her heart that he was ever told that and especially when he voiced that he didn't want to be a hunter. As far as she was concerned, Sam was doing what he was and that was being human. He wanted to be something other than what he had known and in her mind that was fine. It was his life and if anything he should be making choices.
Oh she knew that John and Dean had reacted the only way they knew how and that was because they loved Sam. She understood that. But she understood Sam's need to be his own person. Did John and Dean really know how lonely Sam was when he was at Stanford? Did they really know that he would look at the phone as if it would make a call from them come through?
She saw how Sam beat himself up over being a failure for doing the same shit that she or Dean would do. Theirs was called noble and his was called the colossal fuck up. And he knew it and voiced it. And he carried it with him and suffered in silence on his quest to 'make it up to her'. And he once asked her why after all that would she still want to be with him and listed all of his perceived fuck ups including his relationship with Amelia.
You're not selfish. Only human.
That was the truth. She managed to justify just about everything Sam listed to her as to why she should leave him. The whole thing with Amelia… it hurt yes but in the end, that woman saved Sam from a bottomless pit he would have fallen into. And she talked to the woman and it wasn't anything sexual at all. It was Sam that refused to take it further than being friends and it surprised her that he wouldn't say anything about it.
Just thinking about you being there… alone…
It had been scary and lonely in Purgatory. She was in a fight for her life and to get free. There were plenty of times that she wanted to give up but she refused to. It was because of Sam; the fact that he was there on the other side waiting, worrying and hoping she would come back… that's what kept her going. He gave her hope that she would make it out alive and back to him.
There is one thing that is constant for beings like you and me my pretty… It's that we are always alone. No matter what you do… You are alone.
Always and forever… I have one lifetime with you and I aim to take what I can get…
She used to believe that she was alone. It was all she had since her father died. Even though Gabriel was in her life, she always felt alone; that there was no one for her. It was something she learned to ignore over the centuries because every time she thought she found someone, it turned out not to be the one she was looking for. In the end, she just drifted along saving people and hunting things, fully accepting that it was her fate.
Then Sam came into her life. It was supposed to be a temporary thing but it ended up being something more. True it was Dean that asked her to join but it was Sam that put the idea in play. It was Sam that convinced her to open more about herself even though she nearly sabotaged it several times over. Yet he still was persistent. No matter what she did, even with her agreement of keeping Gadreel's presence a secret, he came back to her. It baffled her because she knew it was horrible and worthy of rejection. Hell, she was prepared for it. But it never came.
She looked up at the front seat and tapped into her empath abilities to be reassuring since she sensed Sam's concerns and worries. It surprised her when he pushed back. So she backed away. It hurt but it was replaced by warmth. It flooded her system like she was getting a transfusion or something. It was warm, gentle… everything like when they first slept together. She remembered that as she blinked and pondered what was going on at that moment.
Sam shifted in the front and she glanced up but didn't move to find that he was looking at her. She was pretending to be asleep and because of that stunt she pulled, he was trying to see if she really was. He knew her pretty well; he always had. She watched as he looked at her, the worry evident on his face but it softened as he continued to look at her. She then felt that warmth flood her gently. It was like a cocoon, enveloping her.
Where did he learn that?
It was on her thoughts as the warmth lulled her to sleep. She fought but it came and the last thing she heard was him whispering in her mind, It'll be okay, Angie.
She wanted to believe that. And she did. She was determined to find a way about this whole business. But she couldn't help but think about what Darkness said about her twin. And she knew deep down it was true. Sam would defend her to the death and he nearly died for her. That was what scared her because deep down she felt that Darkness would be right; that she would come through with her promise that she made in that field.
Always and forever…
The warmth came again and she found herself shielded and protected. She really needed to find out how Sam could do that. But right now sleep sounded good. Besides she felt the one thing that always felt right. She was safe. He kept her safe.
A/N: Even Angie needs a little protection every now and then. Tag to 'Plush'.