Sora, Kairi and Riku are trying to split up a mountain of snacks. Kairi suggests a game of 'I Never' to decide distribution. Then Naminé, Roxas and Xion show up. Crack AU Insanity. Spoilers Abound.
Rated: T For suggestive humor and language.
I own only the words.
I Never
"Sora!" Kairi exclaims, "how many snacks did you BRING?" Kairi and her two best friends, Sora and Riku, have gone camping. They each brought their own supplies. Riku suggested they put all their provisions in a pile to see where they stood. The pile is now three feet tall and growing. Only Sora has contributed so far.
"I haven't even gotten to my second bag, yet!" Sora announces.
"Seriously?" Riku asks. "Sora, what you have there is already enough for all of us for the WEEK! Wait," he looks closer at the food. "This is all junk food!"
"What else is worth eating?" Sora asks.
"Sora!" Kairi glares, "if you ate all this, you'd be sick for a MONTH!"
"What else are we going to do with it?" Sora asks.
"Let's give some to other campers," she suggests.
"Won't work," Riku answers. "Nobody camps out here; that's why I choose it."
"Figures," Sora and Kairi answer in unison.
Kairi snaps her fingers. "I have an idea!" Her friends look at her expectantly. "Let's play a game of 'I Never' for the snacks. Each time we can say 'I never' we get a snack of our choice!"
Sora and Riku look at each other and nod. As soon as they do, a bright light shines from Sora and Kairi's chests. When the light dissipates, Naminé, Roxas and Xion are sitting down as well.
"Where the darkness did you three come from?" Riku demands. "And, who's she?" he asks pointing at Xion.
"You can drop the act," she answers. "We're ignoring the fourth wall for the rest of this story. You don't need to pretend not to remember me anymore."
"Oh, thank the light!" Sora, Riku and Kairi exclaim.
"Nice seeing you again, Xion," Riku greets. Kairi jumps into Sora's lap and cuddles with him.
"I take it the three of you want to join the game?" Sora asks. They nod in answer. "Okay, who goes first?"
Riku raises his hand. The others all nod for him to start. "I never had the words 'Got it memorized?' said to me." The others all glare at him while he chuckles and takes the first snack.
"Wait!" Naminé shouts. "I get one, too!" she giggles as she grabs a snack.
"I never got possessed by a being of darkness," Roxas practically spits at him. Everyone but Riku reaches for a snack.
"Not so fast, Sora," Kairi tells him.
"What?" Sora asks.
"You haven't read the Dream Drop Distance spoilers on TVTropes, have you?" Kairi continues.
"Assuming that's what happens," Sora begins, "the game still hasn't come out in the author's country yet so, it doesn't count."
"But it IS out in Japan," Riku counters.
"Let's say," Xion begins, "that only games that have come out in the US as of now count."
"So, not even the Final Mix games?" Roxas clarifies. Everyone nods. Sora takes his snack in triumph.
"I've never been inside of a girl," Kairi claims.
Sora blushes. "Are we counting fan fiction?" he asks.
"NO!" the rest of the group screams.
"That means everybody but me gets a snack," Naminé grumbles. After everyone chooses their next snack, she continues, "I've never been forgotten by everyone who knew me." Sora and Xion glare at her while everyone else grabs a snack.
"I've never destroyed someone's mind," Xion seethes at Naminé. Naminé blushes while everyone else grabs a snack.
"Let's try to keep it civil," Sora suggests. "Well, I'm the only one who hasn't gone yet. Um... I've never been a boss battle." Riku looks at him. "We're still ignoring Dream Drop Distance," Sora sighs. Kairi, Naminé and Sora reach for a snack.
"You get one too, Roxas," Xion reminds him. "Final Mix+ never came out in the US."
Roxas cheers and grabs his snack. "Yea for Square-Enix screwing over one of its biggest markets!"
"Someone's bitter," Kairi mumbles. "Back to you, Riku."
"I never shared a cut-scene with Marluxia," Riku states. Kairi immediately grabs a snack. Xion thinks for a second before reaching for hers.
Roxas thinks for a second. "Um... I've never had a period," Roxas says. The girls glare daggers at him.
"Not cool, Roxas," Riku tells him, grabbing a snack.
"I've never been a nobody!" Kairi says without thinking. "Sorry, Naminé," she adds. Xion thinks while the others grab their snacks.
"What about me?" Xion finally asks.
"Grab one," Kairi commands. "I was mostly trying to get back at Roxas."
"Well," Naminé starts, "since I seem to be getting picked on, I've never owned a keyblade." Everybody glares at her as she grabs her snack and smirks.
"Okay..." Xion thinks. "I've never used a wooden stick to fight heartless."
"Ha ha," Roxas laughs sarcastically.
"It was funny," Xion defends.
As Sora reaches for a snack, Riku says, "Hollow Bastion." Sora's hand stops.
"Right," Sora agrees. "Okay, I never teased my best friend about his feelings for K... another close friend," he finishes lamely.
"I love you, too, Sora!" Kairi tells him with a hug before grabbing her snack.
"I've never had Roxas inside me," Riku smirks. Sora glares at him.
"Boys," Kairi begins, "behave!"
"It's a good thing we're ignoring Fan-Fiction," Xion giggles, grabbing a snack.
"You're one to talk," Kairi admonishes, getting hers.
"Would any of us get to claim that otherwise?" Riku asks, grabbing his.
"Me?" Roxas hopes, choosing a snack.
"You wish!" Naminé laughs, picking out hers.
Before Roxas opens his mouth, all three girls glare at him. "I never appeared in a Super Smash Brothers game!" Everyone shrugs and grabs a snack.
"I never left my best friend behind while adventuring with my other best friend," Kairi says, glaring at Sora and Riku. The three nobodies giggle and grab their snacks.
"I never wore an Organization Cloak," Naminé giggles.
"Hey!" Roxas shouts, "us nobodies are supposed to stick together!"
"Okay, 'I've never had a period' boy!" Naminé answers.
"My turn," Xion interrupts. "I never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight."
"SOMEBODY just saw Batman," Sora jokes while everyone grabs another snack. "I never fought Axel," Sora declares. Naminé, Kairi and Riku each grab a snack.
"I've never been called by the name of another in this group," Riku states.
"I think that leaves me as the only one else to get a snack," Kairi tells Riku, reaching for a snack. Kairi thinks for a few moments. "I never met Vexen!" Sora and Kairi grab their snacks.
"Oh!" Riku exclaims. "Just get a room, you two!"
"We intend to!" Kairi winks while Naminé and Xion giggle.
"I never met a member of the Birth By Sleep trio," Naminé claims. Roxas and Xion grab a snack.
Xion gets a smirk on her face. "I never gave you up. I never let you down. I never..."
"Stop singing!" The rest of the group yells while grabbing snacks.
"I can't believe you just Rick-rolled us..." Kairi groans. "And, I just lost the game."
"I lost the game," the rest of the group (and the author) repeats, grumbling.
"My turn," Sora begins, "right?" Riku nods and Sora thinks for a bit. "I never fought alongside an active member of the Organization." Everyone but Roxas and Xion gets a snack.
"I never had another part of myself as a love interest," Riku jokes.
"I think that just leaves you and Kairi," Naminé tells Riku. Kairi glares at Naminé.
"I was being threatened with my life by Marluxia!" Naminé defends herself. "I didn't WANT to replace you in Sora's memories! Besides, I prefer Roxiné to Soriné."
"Roxion is better," Xion chimes in, pouting.
"What about Rikion or Rikiné," Riku asks.
"Sorry, Riku," Kairi begins, "you'll NEVER be seriously paired with a non-OC girl in fan fiction."
"Why not?" Riku demands.
"Because all the fan-girls want you for themselves!" Sora laughs.
Roxas tries to sit still so nobody thinks to...
"Which do you prefer, Roxas?" Naminé asks. "Xion or me?"
Roxas starts to blush. "Can I get out of this by saying I like both of you?" Naminé and Xion glare at him. "That would mean no," he concedes. "Akuroku?" he asks.
"We know you're straight," Xion crosses her arms.
Roxas sighs. "Sorry, Naminé. I really think of you as more of a sister than a love interest..."
"But Xion's like your daughter!" Naminé objects.
"She's more of an Opposite Sex Clone," Kairi chimes in. "Making Roxion more like masturbation than incest or twincest."
"Kairi!" Sora yells. "Are you CAPABABLE of going a conversation without referencing a trope?"
"Shaka," Kairi answers, "when the walls fell."
"Huh?" Sora asks.
"The river Temarc," she continues. Sora opens his mouth. "In winter!" She stands up. "Mirab, with sails unfurled." She starts walking off.
"Where are you going?" Riku asks.
"Gump, with Kennedy," she cryptically answers.
Xion giggles. "She's gotta pee," she imitates Forrest Gump.
"Sokath, his eyes uncovered!" Kairi yells from the woods.
"I'll wait until she gets back," Roxas announces. "Besides, I don't think I want to know what she'd do if I didn't." The rest of the group shudders at that thought. Kairi returns a few minutes later. "Ready to continue?" Roxas asks. Kairi nods, returning to her seat in Sora's lap. "I never fought Xemnas in a boss battle." Everyone but Sora and Riku gets a snack.
"I never had a replica made of me," Kairi states. Everyone but Riku and Roxas grabs a snack.
"I've never been a playable character," Naminé says.
"Just wait until 3 comes out!" Kairi counters, grabbing a snack.
"So, any decade now?" Sora jokes.
"My turn again!" Xion giggles. Everyone gives her a warning glare. "Fine... I'll be boring..." She thinks for a moment. "I never traveled through time."
"So, everybody but me," Sora fills in as they all grab their snacks. He looks at the remains of the snacks. "Only four left," Sora points out. He thinks for a minute. "I never had blonde hair." Everyone but Roxas and Naminé grab the last of the snacks. "Well, that's it for the snacks. You three staying?"
Xion and Naminé look at Roxas. "We better not," he finally says. "We've bent the 4th wall enough." As soon as he says that, a bright light blinds the group of teens. When the light fades, Roxas, Xion and Naminé are gone. Also missing is about half the pile of snacks.
"Now what?" Riku asks.
Kairi stands up. "Sora," she begins, "let's head to our tent and enact a Sokai lemon." Sora quickly follows her.
"Try to keep it down!" he yells after them. "This has to be the one of the weirdest stories I've ever been in," Riku muses.
The End.
A/N: To echo what Riku said, this has to be the strangest story I've ever written.